Mother's Day Rule Breaking

[Realitea]

Already MIL has said she expects us to visit her in her garden which involves a motorway journey. Not just us but the rest of her children too. (and 2 grand children) Dh is being made to feel guilty and hasn't seen any of his family since last summer so is feeling really torn. I made it clear I really don't think it's a good idea but as the IL's have had their vaccine and so has Dh, she can't understand why I'm being so difficult.
They won't wait until the 29th March when it would be allowed and Dh could take just dd so there aren't more than 6
I feel really upset about this. I'm being put at risk by their decision but don't feel I can tell Dh what to do at the same time. I can tell they're annoyed with me already as I've been the only one throughout all this who seems to speak up about sticking to the rules much to their displeasure. (This happened last spring too due to a birthday and Dh went in the end but it really caused a row between us as we were supposed to be in lockdown at the time)
Any advice?

@Sixmonthson

My mum is over 90 and I haven’t seen her since last September, despite her living just 12 miles away.. She lives alone and has had both her vaccines and is 3 weeks clear of the second. I have had my first a few weeks ago. I’m fully intending to visit her on Mother’s Day to take her some flowers and hopefully have a chat in her garden for a few minutes. I don’t care if it’s slightly pre-empting the change in rules as she needs to see me and at her age I’m not prepared to wait any more when I consider it safe enough.

I know it’s hard for people in homes but it seems to me that people like my mum who live alone have been forgotten - the only company she has is when my brother drops her shopping in, he lives very close so when we were all being told to ‘stay at home’ it made sense for him to be in her bubble rather than me. However, he doesn’t stay for long and I know this winter has been very hard for her. Enough is enough

Poor woman.. I think elderly people have been chucked under a bus.

Yes, and that is also true what User says above re your DH. I can tell you this, if my husband refused to let me go and see my elderly mum and/or told me I couldn't come back in the house for 14 days afterwards because I'd 'broken the law', our marriage would be in a pretty bad place. (And I'd remind him of the many times over the years that he has broken the law for far more trivial reasons - speed limits, underage drinking etc - all far more pointless rule breaking than this.)

@joanneg36

Especially if that same person says I suggested it being moved to when it's allowed but they're not having it... so it’s not just about health and that won’t change 2 weeks later!!!

@OverTheRainbow88 I don't think it'll be safer but at least it wouldn't be illegal!
@user1487194234 - I agree. Although it's annoying, I can't really control him or them. Just be quietly peed off!

@realitea Have you ever broken the law in your life, out of curiosity?

If you really haven't, then fine. But if you have then you really have no moral high ground to say 'but it's against the law' as a reason to prevent your DH from seeing his family.

No I don't think I have. I think you need to complain to the government, not me. You clearly have a big problem with the rules that have been put in place to reduce infection rates.

You clearly have a big problem with the rules that have been put in place to reduce infection rates

Or a well developed ability to assess risk and behave accordingly.

@realitea I don't have a big problem with the rules at all - I think almost all of them are thoroughly sensible and needed to drive down infection rates to a manageable level. I've been pro-lockdown at every stage, and have even avoided doing some things that are legal because I want to do my bit.

This is the only rule I have a problem with - preventing people from seeing close family and friends. Most European countries haven't brought it back after the first strict lockdown because they realise it's unacceptable from a civil liberties point of view.

So, all I am saying is, I can understand why people consider one year of it being illegal to see family in your/their home as too much, and I genuinely am curious - and not being argumentative - as to how long people would willingly accept this before saying 'I'm seeing my family whatever the government say'.

A lot of people think they can assess their own risk but how do you know where the virus is? There would be four households meeting up in this situation.
That's two children at different schools, so also potentially bringing risk to everyone in their class aswell.
The patients the hospital worker sees every day.
The elderly person I care for who's in his 90's.
Just so MIL can have a nice afternoon? It just seems very unfair. I know she's found this very hard, I know she just wants some light at the end of the tunnel, I know dd wants to see everyone again BUT, at least wait until it's at least allowed before thinking you can assess the risk yourself when you actually can't.

@joanneg36 I thought seeing close family and friends was how it spread? You can't assume because they're family they're not going to pass it on to you. The virus doesn't care!

Yep, I understand all the risks and how the virus is spread, thanks. But I assume you are still cuddling your own children when they come in from school despite the risks of doing that? And would do so even if the government told you you couldn't/shouldn't? So, it's about where you're willing to draw the line on risk and what you consider essential. I can see why your MIL considers seeing her children essential to her wellbeing, is all I am saying - and worth taking some risks for. I fully understand why others feel differently and/or don't want to break the law.

Personally, I know I would have no bigger regret than something non-covid related happening to my mum this year and my not having seen her because of 'the rules'. So that is the choice I've made now that she's been vaccinated.

The virus doesn't care!

It cares about vaccination though. The latest research shows vaccination impairs transmission as well as infection.

I read into this that you don’t actually like your MIL too much and it’s a convenient excuse not to have to go to see her on Mother’s Day.
Can’t judge you though I hate mine.

so she's been vaccinated but SHE CAN STILL CATCH THE VIRUS AND PASS IT ON, hence still wearing masks and social distancing. The only thing the vaccine does is if you do catch it YOU shouldn't be sick enough to be hospitalised.

If it were just your household, seeing just her household, outdoors, then fine. But it’s not. And therefore I would postpone.

She’s being a demanding cow anyway by insisting that your DD spends Mother’s Day with her, rather than you or your family.

It's against restrictions, and if you're not comfortable, then you probably feel you wouldn't be comfortable there. Those that have been vaccinated, including myself, have to be mindful others haven't and should still be entitled to protection. Who knows what the weather will throw at the occasion anyway. If other family are going, she won't be on her own, so don't feel guilty.

Tell the selfish idiot you're not going to be breaking the law and fuck off.

The only thing the vaccine does is if you do catch it YOU shouldn't be sick enough to be hospitalised

Try reading some real news. The vaccine is highly effective in reducing transmission.

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/covid-vaccine-pfizer-israel-transmission-latest-b1805313.html

[quote VinylDetective]The only thing the vaccine does is if you do catch it YOU shouldn't be sick enough to be hospitalised

Try reading some real news. The vaccine is highly effective in reducing transmission.

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/covid-vaccine-pfizer-israel-transmission-latest-b1805313.html[/quote]
The in laws may have had the vaccine, but their kids haven't. If they're reckless in breaking the rules then the kids have probably been mixing with others and in other houses.

I don't see why the OP should be put at risk of infection and be expected to break the law because her in law can't wait a bit longer till the rules ease and she's had the vaccine herself.

@Realitea

Already MIL has said she expects us to visit her in her garden which involves a motorway journey. Not just us but the rest of her children too. (and 2 grand children) Dh is being made to feel guilty and hasn't seen any of his family since last summer so is feeling really torn. I made it clear I really don't think it's a good idea but as the IL's have had their vaccine and so has Dh, she can't understand why I'm being so difficult. They won't wait until the 29th March when it would be allowed and Dh could take just dd so there aren't more than 6 I feel really upset about this. I'm being put at risk by their decision but don't feel I can tell Dh what to do at the same time. I can tell they're annoyed with me already as I've been the only one throughout all this who seems to speak up about sticking to the rules much to their displeasure. (This happened last spring too due to a birthday and Dh went in the end but it really caused a row between us as we were supposed to be in lockdown at the time) Any advice?

Given mother's day is the weekend after children return to school, do you really think that many families won't get together in some form? Last year's was at the start of all of this and many hope/feel it's now at the end. Very different thought processes for many.

Fwiw, I don't think that yabu. But then I also don't think that mil is being unreasonable in wanting to see her family who she hasn't seen since the summer.
Perhaps suggesting that you'll all have a legal meeting for Easter? Picnic or dinner in her garden?

The in laws may have had the vaccine, but their kids haven't. If they're reckless in breaking the rules then the kids have probably been mixing with others and in other houses. I don't see why the OP should be put at risk of infection and be expected to break the law because her in law can't wait a bit longer till the rules ease and she's had the vaccine herself

OP’s husband is vaccinated. Her kids will have been at school all the previous week.

I'm with you Realitea I'm 72 and wouldn't expect my two DD's and 2GSs to visit me yet. I have had one shot of the vaccine but none of them have had it. FWIW I think your MIL is behaving stupidly and is BVU.

I'd do it in a flash.
Last MD my dm felt it was best not to see my DN due to covid.
My dn died suddenly this year so will never get that opportunity again.

We kept her safe from covid. She spent a year nearly alone, lonely and isolated and died alone! I'm sorry but I will be seeing my DM and MIL. And if they want it indoors then so be It. MIL has been vaccinated. My dm no health issues

Kettle has perfectly made the point here that I was trying to make.

My dad died a few years ago and I would give anything for more time with him - I’d happily take illegal time. All of you who think ‘we’ll see them when the rules change’ are assuming you have limitless time with your parents. You don’t. And you should bear this in mind when assessing situations like this.

Can you try to compromise? Say that you would love to meet her but move Mother’s Day to a date when you can all legally meet in the garden on a sunny day and make a big fuss on that day with flowers, afternoon tea etc?