I'm scared of March, the anniversary...

AnniversaryScaresMe · 2021-02-13T23:49:17+00:00

Anyone else? Something about it being a year, reliving the terrible moment we were all separated. I live alone so it was horrendous. I know it sounds ridiculous but somehow it feels like I'm going to have to go through it all again, and I just can't.

Ginfordinner · 13/02/2021 23:52

No. Hopefully by March a few million more people will be vaccinated.

DianaT1969 · 13/02/2021 23:53

Didn't you go out and meet people over the summer?

Brunt0n · 13/02/2021 23:53

What do you think is going to happen on “the anniversary”? That doesn’t need to be a thing if you don’t make it one

TheJerkStore · 13/02/2021 23:55

Didn't you go out and meet people over the summer?

Some of us have had little or no break from restrictions since last March....

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 14/02/2021 00:11

@DianaT1969

Didn't you go out and meet people over the summer?

Yes I did, but not all the people I most wanted to see. For a start my family are too far away (not seen them since Christmas 2019, big gathering last March cancelled). And I am childless but was "auntie" to DC I've only seen a handful of times (used to be practically part of the families), socially distanced, since.

But mainly it was the sudden tearing away of all relationships, all people... Just being shut away alone. I had rebuilt my life after some awful times and then it was all taken away. It's difficult to put into words the terror I felt and faced for so long in the first lockdown. I just tried to hold on and believe it was temporary but it just carried on, and something broke in me.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 14/02/2021 00:11

@TheJerkStore

Didn't you go out and meet people over the summer?

Some of us have had little or no break from restrictions since last March....

Yes, little break where I live.

OP posts:

Honeybobbin · 14/02/2021 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 14/02/2021 00:14

@Brunt0n

What do you think is going to happen on “the anniversary”? That doesn’t need to be a thing if you don’t make it one

It's more that I was putting something in my calendar, and my eyes wandered to the 23rd of March. The date is seared in my mind. And I felt this huge sense of pain and dread and feeling I cannot live through it. Rather than consciously worrying about it, iyswim. My reaction surprised me.

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Chickenfingers · 14/02/2021 00:15

I know the feeling, I came out of hospital after a long week in hospital from the traumatic birth of my dd to being put into lockdown having had no idea what was going on outside. I shouldn't be celebrating her 1st birthday but it just feels sad.

Chickenfingers · 14/02/2021 00:15

@Chickenfingers

I know the feeling, I came out of hospital after a long week in hospital from the traumatic birth of my dd to being put into lockdown having had no idea what was going on outside. I shouldn't be celebrating her 1st birthday but it just feels sad.

I meant should be celebrating*

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 14/02/2021 00:18

Thanks Honeybobbin.
Yes, I have a support bubble. Incredibly it's someone I got to know much more AFTER lockdown! (But then there is a sense of discontinuity because of that too.)

I suppose I posted because I hoped it was somewhat normal to struggle with this difficult anniversary.

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sherrystrull · 14/02/2021 00:21

I understand. I'm dreading it too. I think then it will feel like it's been going on for so so long

DumplingsAndStew · 14/02/2021 00:48

What is it you're scared of?

If you make it into a big deal, it will feel like one.

RedcurrantPuff · 14/02/2021 00:50

It’ll be depressing going into year 2 of this nonsense for sure :(

DustyMaiden · 14/02/2021 01:40

It’s my birthday on the 23rd. I was just thinking happy birthday Covid. I’m sure things will improve soon.

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 14/02/2021 07:23

@DumplingsAndStew

What is it you're scared of?

If you make it into a big deal, it will feel like one.

The anniversary of being imprisoned in my own home and losing everyone IS a big deal. It was a hugely traumatic event.

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MsTSwift · 14/02/2021 07:25

23rd March 2020 is burned into my mind now

Original poster

AnniversaryScaresMe · 15/02/2021 07:59

Really struggling with this.
Thought the thread about what you remember from this year would be interesting but just want to run away from it all now. This can't be real. I've lost everything worth living for.

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Cyberworrier · 15/02/2021 08:12

You’re right that it is a big deal. It’s been a hugely traumatic year for so many people, including you. (@Chickenfingers hope you and your baby are doing well now too, that must have been frightening emerging from hospital with a newborn into lockdown).
It’s ok to be sad and also to still be scared and uncomfortable with the uncertainty.
It sounds like you had just got your life back after some stressful times when all this kicked off, have you had a chance to talk things through with friends or family or a professional?
I would say if you are really struggling with anxiety/mental health, please do try to get help via your GP or contact Mind for advice. As others have said, there is more reason to have hope now than there was a year ago, with vaccine roll out and the easing of restrictions in sight. Please reach out to real life people and or professional help if you’re finding it hard to see any hope and to cope with your feelings about the last year. It has been awful, completely understandable to have found it difficult.

OpheliasCrayon · 15/02/2021 08:19

I'm sorry you feel this way OP.
I don't know much about adult mental health regarding lockdown but as I work in education with vulnerable learners, I do know that the things you mention - loss of freedom , friendships, families, all the normal things we do, are being equated to bereavement. Not in the literal sense of death but as in things that people have lost as a result of lockdowns.

So please don't feel like you're in any way wrong for the way you feel, your feelings are valid. .

I wonder if you feel you could reach out for any help with this. As PP has said, you could speak to your GP, but that can sometimes be difficult so you can self refer to mental health team in your area by filling in your details online. You need to search for IAPT for your area - that is the NHS self referral mental health thing. You fill it in and someone will call you back for an assessment.

Be kind to yourself , and well done for recognising that you're not ok, because that is often very difficult in itself. Please don't listen to someone telling you your making something into a big deal though because that's unkind and your feelings are very valid.

sometimesamazinggrace · 15/02/2021 08:21

I understand what you mean about the pain of having a life you've carefully built for yourself put on hold. I got out of a very unhealthy relationship at the end of 2019, in which I had little time or ability to go out and make new friends. It feels like as soon as I was starting to do that it got torn away from me. Can you reframe it like "wow! I managed a year like this! On my own! I never imagined I could do this, but I did" ?

Porcupineintherough · 15/02/2021 08:23

Sounds like you could use some help processing it all OP you do sound traumatised. I hope you've lost nothing that wont be returned to you in time.

Longtalljosie · 15/02/2021 08:25

I understand. I sort of started this early as 2020 started early for me with a really horrible January which sort of segued into lockdown so I feel like life has been shit since Jan 8. I’m not enjoying doing things again still in Shit World. But as pp have said - in the U.K. you’re doing amazingly on vaccinations and perhaps you’ll have greater freedom - or the sight of it - by then. I’m currently living in Europe I so will have longer to wait...

RoseAndRose · 15/02/2021 08:38

I think need to start reframing how you see things. Because you are catastrophising to a level that sounds just plain wrong, and likely to feed a cycle of negativity.

For example, your relationships have not been 'torn away', they are strong and enduring and it might not be too long before you can start seeing some people face to face, as well as unlimited contact by phone, online or even by old fashioned but surprisingly lovely letter.

You do not need to be 'imprisoned' - even the CEV are allowed out for daily exercise and to meet one person whilst they exercise. If you not going out at all, I would urge you to start, exercise and being in natural daylight aren't a magic cure, but the reason they are consistently recommended is because they have such a positive effect.

It's over a month until the anniversary, and the anniversary if the other side of the 21/02 announcement on future of restrictions and expected relaxation of some. The world could look very different by March. Dwelling on a date beyond that is just stoking up something that does not exist yet - you are creating a fiction of it that exists only in your thoughts. Noticing those thoughts when they happen, and consciously thinking that's ages away, stop and think of something else can do a lot to break this cycle of negativity

Please don't read all that as unsympathetic to how tough things can get from time to time. It's intended to be a reminder that you can change this. A little bit at a time.

ATieLikeRichardGere · 15/02/2021 08:39

The word trauma can be overused in general, but with COVID I think a lot of us have literally experienced trauma and it’s a helpful way of understanding it. I found this helpful: www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm