How monumentally stupid do you need to be to visit someone positive for Covid?

[IWantToThrowThings]

I am so angry with my mum. She just does not get it. She genuinely thinks that covid knows she's 'just' popping into her sister's for tea, or 'just' going to the shop for a paper and won't infect her.

My niece tested positive so she decided that she should bring her some shopping. I told her not to, because I know what she's like, but she did anyway, and of course she rang the doorbell until she answered, before standing in the doorway chatting to her.

I am almost in tears at how stupid she's been. My dad's in his 70s and has COPD, and coincidentally is supposed to have his vaccine this week.

I really could fall out with her over this all. I am trying so hard to keep them both safe and she's doing shit like this!

I've seen a bit of this in my mum, not as bad and nothing actually law breaking but just a general lack of concern. Hard not to worry but I've just had to zone it out.

Isn’t it strange how it’s the younger generations who are advising caution? My parents are just the same as yours OP. No telling them. I know they have people in the house. Apparently they have the ability to know if someone is ‘safe’.🙄 I have given up and let them get on with it..

Your dad having the vaccine is now very risky. If he catches Coronavirus unknowingly and then has the vaccine soon after, he could become incredibly ill. They will refuse to vaccinate if he tests positive beforehand. And if he mentions what’s happened to the vaccinator, they may advise him to delay having it until he’s 100% sure he doesn’t have it.

It may be worth him having a test the day before he’s due to be vaccinated to be on the safe side. Or the morning of if there’s any centres offering lateral flow tests nearby?

@Libraryghost

Isn’t it strange how it’s the younger generations who are advising caution? My parents are just the same as yours OP. No telling them. I know they have people in the house. Apparently they have the ability to know if someone is ‘safe’.🙄 I have given up and let them get on with it..

I have noticed this too. All my friends are being very cautious, keeping every interactions to the essential only, and we are late 20s early 30s. All my elderly neighbours have had people over from day one, multiple visitors every weekend. I get at their age they may want to enjoy life, but then I wonder why I am bothering making my life unbearable. Am I doing it so the chances of their visitors having covid is lower? I get it's to help the NHS, but the main people who access the NHS are people like my neighbours, and their activities make it more likely that they will need the NHS. It's a tough one to get your head around.

@KizzyKat91 can I ask how you know this. My sd is a nurse. She received her first vaccine dose a few weeks ago and her second dose this week. She tested positive yesterday as her ward has 6 positive patients and so they were all tested. I assumed she would only get light COVID symptoms because of the vaccine but that seems to be the opposite to what you are saying.

This would have been my mum. However she ended up in a care home from last March after having a massive heart attack and it hastened her vascular dementia. She thought the virus was a load of nonsense and she’s had the flu and she’d be fine. She died of Covid 4 weeks ago

@TwirpingBird I don't think it is a hard one to get your head around - some people are just incredibly stupid and selfish.

Apart from my exH, I've seen no one in 6 months - I live on my own, have no family in the UK and my partner lives in London and I've seen him for less than a week in 12 months. What is left of my family is in Australia and lord alone knows when I can see them again...

I'm not working due to ill health and sometimes I'm so fucking bored I could scream...but I also spent 3 years in a developing nation, between the ages of 9 to 12...no television, no school, no friends, no shops we could safely visit, no internet...all we had was the BBC World service. Luckily I had my two brothers to play with, but that was it. We read a lot, walked a lot around the large compound we were stuck in. It was crap, but we got through it.

I don't think asking people to make a sacrifice for a few months is much of an ask, to be honest. It's trying to save lives, ffs.

@TwirpingBird. I think it’s because they think they know better. I had no idea that my mother was a fully qualified virologist before Covid struck. I have to laugh at the amount of FB posts I see about protecting the elderly. The irony! My parents drive 20 miles to go to the butcher because they like that one and ‘bloody Boris is not telling me where to buy my steak’. .. blah blah.. I used to argue with them but at the end of the day you can only really control your own behaviour. I am waiting for the inevitable fine they will get which they will then moan about forever and a day...😣

@noirchatsdeux yes that’s my parents exactly. Well meaning but a bit stupid. Also selfish in that my mother’s biggest worry right now is not getting a hair appointment. Apparently everyone else’s life is carrying on as normal. It’s a shame because in many ways they are genuinely good people but covid seems to have bought out their worst traits.

That is so awful op.
I do think vaxs themselves will be an issue where couples are different ages say 70 and 50 or 60 and 40 where there could be ages between them being vaxxed. If at all.

My pil had their daughter over and gc at xmas even though im pretty sure they werent supposed to mix in their area.
Ggmil had other elderly in house when we visited - we stayed outside. At a distance.
My dp have been in the bank and im saying why not use online banking ! And no i dont want you to go in to do xyz.

I do think it reflects that at 70+ some are not as good at making decisions.
And the fact they are forgetful is even more worrying as mine might not wash hands /gel after going in a shop.

IWantToThrowThings... how old is your niece?
Is there any chance you could have word with her about your concerns for your Mum, she maybe able to reassure you on how far away they were from each other and if they wore masks. I would also hold her accountable if safe distancing wasn't adhered to.

My in-laws are the same. My son had Covid and they KEPT popping round, despite us not needing shopping or anything and having no trouble getting stuff delivered. We didn't answer the door, just sort of shouted through the window, but what did they think we were going to do? Invite them in for tea?

They are always popping by to see friends (who are also in their 70s) and I highly doubt they are socially distancing and having a masked-up chat on the drive or something, but they won't be told.

If it helps, when my DS had Covid none of the other four of us in the house caught it, so hopefully it's not been too transmittable in your case too.

I am sorry for your loss @Kenworthington

I have no idea how I caught coronavirus, but it can only have been from a fleeting contact with someone, probably in a supermarket, Therefore the stupidity of visiting or chatting to someone for any length of time is monumental.

OP, is she aware how much this upsets you? Won't she change if only to avoid that?

She does know that it upsets me but also, really, truly thinks that if she’s doing someone a favour the virus will somehow pick up on it.

The version of the story is that she rang the door, niece assumed she’d moved back and was ambushed by her, which sounds entirely plausible. I don’t blame my niece.

If your niece reports her as a close contact she'll have to self-isolate for 10 days or risk at £1k fine. That may make her think?

Honestly, the arrogance/stupidity/selfishness of some people takes my breath away. Really hope your Dad is ok OP and can have his vacc.

really, truly thinks that if she’s doing someone a favour the virus will somehow pick up on it.

This has to be the most old person attitude to this virus I have heard. It's terrible but it made me giggle. My DHs grandad has cancer. He still has my FIL come visit because be genuinely believes the virus knows they are father and son and it wont pass between them. How he has survived when so many others in better health than him have died I will never know. The man is the luckiest f*er I know.

@MysweetAudrina I volunteer at a vaccination centre and had my vaccine last Monday. Part of the spiel the vaccinator gives you is that you must not have the vaccine if you’ve tested positive within the last 7 days or have displayed any Coronavirus symptoms within that time frame.

But from your post, it sounds like your SD had both doses of vaccine
prior to testing positive? So it’s a different situation? Regardless, it takes up to 3 weeks for any immunity to develop after having the vaccine, so you could still become very ill in that timeframe.

I guess you can't face it, but she should isolate if she's been within two meters, no mask.

I would be really upset and frustrated. Your Dad is so close to getting the best protection he can, and she could mess that all up if she shows early symptoms.

@IWantToThrowThings

I have, yeah. She just brushes it off, or makes me feel neurotic. I am so worried about him (or her!) catching it but I am also so worried that I would blame her if anything happened. It's absolutely horrible. I've never been the sort of person who argues and falls out with people.

I had something similar with my step dad who I felt was putting my mother in danger like this. After talking to both of them, I had to accept they are both adults and that they need to take it up with each other. The unfortunate fact is that, if you have highlighted the risk to her and she still is refusing to understand it then there is not much more you can do. Just tell her you will have to agree to disagree with her behaviour. Sorry that this is happening to you.

I get it op, I get frustrated as well. However why didn’t your mothers niece just shout through the door thanks but I can’t open the door?

My mum is the complete opposite. She hasn't seen us even when we were allowed. She did come in once and wore her mask.

She wont isolate even if she should, your dad can ring the vaccine centre and ask if he can still go. What does your sibling say about it.

How does your dad feel about what your mum does?

I can see that what the OP's mum has done when she knows her niece is positive and her husband is unwell is rather stupid .

However in a lot of cases where posters complain about their parents in their 70s merely stepping outside their house, really, they are adults ; let them risk assess their own lives .

My DP and PILs are exactly the same. PILs live three hours away and keep suggesting we send the kids to them for a break! DH is ECV and they tell us all the time they’re being safe, then go on to tell us they’ve ‘just been to... ‘ and ‘just popped to...’. We will reach the stage where DH and they have been vaccinated and I haven’t. They fully expect us to visit then and carry on with life as normal. It will not be happening! And the strangest thing is, they are usually very law abiding. Honestly, if they’re flouting the rules, so must so many more people. I’m the devil incarnate apparently for preventing them from seeing their DGC