This for me is the lowest point in this whole saga... Am I alone?

[KitKat1985]

It just seems endless at this point. I'm a nurse so I see the misery covid causes, and am dealing first hand with the pressures on staffing etc so I'm not denying the need for it, but I just feel so empty at this point. I go home and have to watch my children be locked in again and I feel so desperately sad for them. Their lives are just so utterly joy-less. We were briefly able to visit the library just before Christmas and even that was us practically being martialled through, made to disinfect our hands and then asked to make book choices quickly and leave. I can't do anything with them now for the next forseeable weeks bar walk around the same bloody park again across from our house. They will be asking to go to the local farm and to play at Nanny's house again constantly, and I can't taken them. They're 6 & 4 - just at the age where Christmas is magical and I couldn't even take the to see Father Christmas. My 6 year old started school in Sept 2019 and has missed now months of schooling, with probably months more to be missed to come. She already has special needs and is developmentally behind. I try to do what I can on my days off in terms of home learning but the reality is I'm exhausted, and I'm not a special needs teacher, so I'm probably not doing a very good job. How long is it going to take to catch up on all this missed schooling? Is it even possible? I spoke to my Mum yesterday and she had tears in her eyes, telling me she just wants to see and hug her grandkids, and misses them so much. I can't plan anything fun like a holiday or even a day out, because things change so much. Only at the weekend we were being told to send the kids to school as normal and then on Monday get told they are shut again until at least Feb half term. It's DH's 40th birthday in a few weeks and we can't so anything bar get him a takeaway and a birthday cake. I had some lovely plans for this but they've all had to be scrapped. I get that things will eventually improve but I can't get this time back. The kids childhoods are just drifting by. Sorry for the moan. I know there are people worse off than us, and we're lucky to have stable jobs, and each other etc and I don't deny that. I just feel so sad today. I've been pretty resilient up until now but the past few days have broken me.

@QueenZoopla

I feel the same, OP. Looking back to the first lockdown in March feels like that was the good old days! How naive we were, thinking it would end soon after. Plus there was the novelty value, and all being in it together etc, and as Pp have said , the weather. It's ongoing shit now, on top of more shit that feels never fucking ending. Feel worn down with it all . Still can't really believe it's happening. Hate waking up every morning and remembering this is life now.

I feel the same too. The news in America doesn't help matters either. It feels like a disaster movie at times , only real :(

I feel so so low. I'm a single mum to a 5 Yr old daughter and wfh 30 hrs per week. No support from family. When I heard yesterday that kids might not return to school at all this academic year, it felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I don't know how the hell I will manage til then without either losing my job, having a breakdown or my daughters mental health deteriorating as well as falling drastically behind with her education. The situation is already becoming intolerable. This morning I was in my room catching up on work emails. It was around 10am. My dd was lying on her bed playing games on her tablet. I walked past her bedroom, saw her lying there, looking bored, playing computer games. Knowing she should have been at school, getting an education, being with her friends, having fun, not stuck in her room glued to a screen, it just broke my heart and I can still picture her now. I feel so guilty. She should be living the best years of her life, not this shit existence She'll never get her childhood back. I hate this all so so much. I want to scream, tear my hair out at how wrong it all feels. I know they had no choice but to close the schools but it still feels so unjust for children. Then there's how I feel about how it's ruined my own life. I know there are others worse off than my, I get that, but for me, I really have hit rock bottom now.

You're not alone. I'm defo the lowest I've been and last March,lockdown and home schooling coincided with me being told I had gestational diabetes! I had to defer 3 of my final year uni modules which I've now just started again. But my son was year 6 and had done most of his learning before lockdown happened so I basically let him loose on Fortnight for months whilst I went into survival mode of just getting to my c section date.

Now,I'm back trying to study for my modules again but with a 7 month old and a year 7 who really does need to do the work this time,otherwise he will fall behind. We're on day 2 and he's already said he's fed up and would rather be in school (it took him 8 weeks to get to this point last lockdown!). I'm trying desperately to help him,engage with him on the lessons as otherwise,I fear his death by boredoms of ppt. Add to that an increasingly active 7 months old and my general feeling that we're not really living at the moment,merely surviving.

I've applied to be a vaccinator and after several hours of evening modules,assessments,background checks,it seems I might finally be at the end. I'm hoping I get to start in Feb,then my son can go into school for the he couple of days a week I'm working,even just to socialise with some other kids and I can get my sanity back,start having some human interaction and actually feel like there is some movement and a light at the end of this shitty,godawful tunnel.

June that is so hard

I wish your dd could get a place at school it’s too much

It is sad. It suddenly occurred to me that my 10 year old who's in Year 6 might not ever go back to his primary school again and if he does I doubt there will be a big send off for them. And we already owe them two birthday sleepovers from last year that haven't happened yet. Also feeling sad that they're getting older all the time and missing things that we can do as a family (we cancelled two holidays and will probably have to cancel more this year). I know everyone's in the same boat but as you say it was so much easier in the summer when they could go in the garden and we walked down to the river and swam most days which really helped. Roll on the vaccine and roll on the warm weather!

I got rock bottom too yesterday when I tried to go out for a run and couldn’t do it because the cold was hurting my lungs. I know it’s a small thing, but there’s nothing else, all I had left to do was running and now I can’t. Plus the frost hasn’t melted from the ground all week so even walking to the shop at the end of the road is an ordeal as our street is unusually slippy!

DS is the most laid back unanxious child ever but he’s already cried due to home learning and it’s only the second day.

And now they’re saying we won’t get the vaccine until 2022 and there might be restrictions next winter. What’s the point anymore??

I'm sorry everyone feels so shit, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Sending love to everyone. I've e-mailed DD1's teacher (she normally goes to a specialist autism unit attached to a mainstream school) and admitted trying to get work done at home is just leading to constant meltdowns and I'm wondering if they can suggest some alternative work or just have her back full time as she has an EHCP, rather than just on my work days. I just broke down in tears this afternoon. I can't do it again. It's so hard trying to work 40-50 hours a week in the NHS at the moment anyway with all the covid issues (and I mainly do 14 hour shifts), without all my spare time spent dealing with DD1 in constant meltdowns over schoolwork. She needs 1:1 with all her schoolwork (this is what she has at school) and lots of encouragement due to meltdowns / being so academically behind so it's not just like I can just give her some work to do and let her get on with it. Her younger sister (4) is also having a bit of a 'tantrum / constant whinging stage' and it's just too much. Tried to break the day up today by going for a walk to feed the ducks. It helped but we had only been out about 30 mins before they complained it was too cold (they had a point to be fair). I have just had some wine though and it helps. DH has been supportive as well and gave me a hug and has tried to cheer me up. I miss my Mum though. She's my main support after DH and not having her to help is hard.

It’s truly shit right now. We are isolating with covid with a 4 and 2 year old, feeling rough and moving from isolation to lockdown actually feels like something to look forward to, at least we can go out the house. I literally feel like I’ve been losing my mind this week.

Both kids have been glued to their tablets (at 2 years old!) but wtf else have they got to do? My four year old has been very stroppy and I’m certain it’s because she’s bored, she needs more to tick her brain over and she was telling me what birthday party she would like this summer. Deep down my heart was breaking as she probably won’t get one.

I’m usually a very positive, look on the bright side person but this is really getting to me now. Let’s try and hang on tight for better days, for our kids sake xx

Yanbu

This is indeed the time I have been more anxious through this, and I have to say at times I am scared.
But I will not say it is the lowest, because I am resigned to expect that somethingvelse will trump it. As it is seems to be a theme lately.

Yep. My second baby was born in the first lockdown. I know it sounds dramatic but I feel like my maternity leave has been stolen from me I know he won’t remember any of it, but it’s so lonely compared to the lovely mat leave I had with DD which was full of baby groups and making friends. Thankfully DD (4) loves being at home with us and isn’t missing school much, but homeschool is tricky with looking after a baby and the thought of this dragging on indefinitely is so depressing. I’m so angry at our useless government. It didn’t have to be this way.

Me too. So much so that I can’t find words to describe it anymore. Life is utterly miserable and there is no hope

But some things just don’t make sense. We stay at home and schools shut. We have lockdowns.
Yet people can fly into the UK willy nilly and land here and just walk through the gates with no tests.
Why didn’t we shut down the borders, give every UK citizen say 14 days to return and the ground all aircraft?
We could have gave the airlines financial help to save jobs, whilst stopping a foreign virus from coming over.
Seems barmy to me.

My husband is CEV and we have been shielding since March.

Like many of you the first lockdown was fine as so much of it was during nice weather. We are lucky enough to have a garden and so spent lots of time out there and eating outside most days. But now, this week has been terrible, and every day is getting worse. My every second is consumed with fear for my husband, and I physically ache to hold my grandson. I wonder if he'll even remember how we took him out once a week and had him for sleepovers....it seems trivial but nearly a year without trips to a zoo, or theme park or farm hurts a lot. Even home schooling seems worse (even though it's more organised now) but I can't cope with it, or anything, anymore.

I should be grateful as my adult children left at home (with disabilities), and our fostered teenagers, have been great and haven't once moaned about anything. I know I am lucky but it feels like the end of the world and I just want to go to bed and stay there. Living in terror this past week, when I had been coping just fine up till now. So yes the lowest point (and is obvious by the time of this message, I can't sleep either!)

I feel.the.same.OP 💐

In 2020 I was terribly distracted by our wedding (silver lining: it did happen, we did it exactly when the restrictions were better- not the uk) and by the fact that I had started exercise and I was actually enjoying it. I made it into a great opportunity for self growth.

I lost one grandparent and DH lost his dad, unfortunately.

I have to admit I thought it will end by the end of 2020, but now, with no clear end in sight, I feel low. Work, university, finals coming up, the weather.

I know some people are having a way worse time than I do, but it's crap. I never complain irl but I feel it's a safe space here.

❤️ to everyone

Same here OP 😥

I think for me the hardest thing is losing faith that this is the worst bit, if you see what I mean? As in, I’ve thought “this is the low” several times, and it keeps on getting worse.

I think although I'm devastated we're in lockdown again, this time around I feel less anxious because I have let go of all the unrealistic expectations. I have given up on even attempting the lovely ideas for activities that I tried so hard to do in the first lockdown. It's all social media driven bullshit and I'll never buy into it again.

I'm feeling shit and sad for my children too.
DH and I are both WFH. My work is crazy, crazy busy and stressful. I'm fucking it up and feel sick and anxious all the time. Kids are 3 and 5. 3 year old is still going to nursery so that's something at least. 5 year old is in reception. She only started in November due to her school deciding to delay reception start until then. She's barely been at school and now spends hours a day in front of an ipad while we work. She's miles behind where she would be if she'd been going since September and was having proper teaching now. We do our best to do stuff with her but it's not enough. Both are desperately missing their grandparents and 5 year old is missing her friends. I'm glad they have eachother. In the mornings and at the weekend they have eachother to play with.
We go out for walks and the park but none of us like the cold, 5 year old in particular, so it's no fun. It's just a miserable existence atm.

Same here - last time was a challenge which I wanted to rise up to. This time my anxiety is getting the better of me (I'm already on high dose ADs). I'm frightened for my elderly father and heartbroken for my children who seem to get sadder by the day. I feel ungrateful for all I have....but so hopeless. Love to you all - this thread is a comfortxx

@KitKat1985

I agree re: the vaccine bringing hope *@herecomesthsun* But I do think the role out is going to longer than hoped. The NHS is struggling so much already I struggle to see how it's going to fit 2 million vaccinations a week in on top. And Chris Whitty is already saying there will probably still be some element of restrictions less winter (although hopefully much lesser than now). So sadly I still think we have a long road ahead.

I’m angry because I’ve seen no sign or sound of the government planning to invest money in the NHS - this will not be the last pandemic.

I’m angry at the late decision making which has brought us to this place.

I'm sorry everyone is struggling but I'm glad I'm not alone. Every time I've mentioned the worry about missed school/socialising people just reply with ' it'll be fine, kids will catch up, let her just play' ermmmm no, she's in reception, she needs to learn to read and write!!!
They and their kids might be fine but I'm not and neither is my daughter, she's bloody miserable already. Won't go for a walk or to the park as she's bored of them seeing as they've been done to death in recent months

I think this time of year is always hard anyway. Christmas is gone. It's dark and cold. Light nights and brighter weather feel a long way away. Add lockdown to that and it's a perfect storm.

And what makes it worse is you know it didn't need to be like this! I have family in Australia who just celebrated Christmas and New Year properly. With family and friends. I'm so angry with this government for failing me, the kids, all of us, so badly
Oh for goodness sake, you need to open your eyes. Italy has a far tougher lockdown than us. In Germany 1k+ per day are dying and they have just extended their lockdown. The Netherlands is under hard lockdown. France is considering a new lockdown. Poland are under partial lockdown. In Spain the health minister has just said the evolution of the pandemic in Spain is moving at an alarming rate and they may lockdown. Yet you choose to focus your attention on a country on the other side of the world just so you can bash the government.