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Original poster

DS’s dad visiting him during coronavirus tier 3/4 measures

51 replies

WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 08:11

Hi everyone. I’ll try to keep this brief but am hoping to get some help dealing with a difficult ex-H.

We separated over a year and a half ago and since then, despite earning over twice what I do, he’s pleaded poverty and has been sofa surfing and coming to my house to see our 5 year old as and when it suits him. He’s a shit dad and remains almost wholly distant except for the odd hour or so visit but that’s for a whole separate thread.

He’s currently in a tier 3 area (due to go to tier 4 in a couple of days I think) and wants to travel up the country to see our son in a day or so. He’s been staying with his family and I’m not keen on him being here to be honest, but have never previously said anything to him for two reasons; one I don’t want to stand in the way of him having a relationship with his son and two, I’m quite wary of him (not physically as much but I don’t like his nasty side when he doesn’t get what he wants).

I know I should tell him no but I can’t see any guidance around separated parents visiting their children in the old family home. If we’re breaking the rules I know he wouldn’t pay the fine and that would be left to me too.

Is there anyone here that can advise me? Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 27/12/2020 08:24

You cannot keep a father away from his child no matter what the bloody rules are.

Shieldingending · 27/12/2020 08:27

@Remmy123

You cannot keep a father away from his child no matter what the bloody rules are.
No, but surely the OP can stop him from staying in her house?
Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 08:36

Yes that’s my problem. He’s only seen him twice in the last 3 months and will just come sit on my sofa when he’s visiting. He is mixing with extended family and wants to travel from a tier 3/4 area to another tier 3 area.

If I get Covid it will be hard as I’m the sole carer for our son.

Up until now I’ve never said no but this feels like I’m putting myself at risk (and risking a fine) for him to come over and sit on my sofa for an hour.

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 27/12/2020 08:44

You can allow children to travel/ parent can travel to see other parent in case of separated parents. The only exception is if someone is isolating because they have COVID or are a close contact.

Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 08:48

Thanks, Aalvarino. I wasn’t sure of the rules regarding the NRP visiting the child in their home. The last thing I need is a massive fine when it’s stressful enough as it is with him being here Wink

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 08:49

Tell him to take him for a walk to the park or something

My ex husband sofa surfs i never let him in my house

Aalvarino · 27/12/2020 08:51

Should have said though that you do not have to let him in your house unless that is the form of contact that is court ordered. Which is very very very very unlikely!

Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 08:59

slipperywhensparticus - nice to know I’m not the only one. Does yours plead poverty too?

Unfortunately he wont take him out which is why I’m left with this conundrum. I should be more assertive with him but again that’s a whole other thread!

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 27/12/2020 09:03

He wont take him out?? Pfft. He is going to have to if he wants to see him longer term. Let me guess he is domineering and controlling?

movingonup20 · 27/12/2020 09:05

Child visitation is one of the reasons to stay overnight so I'm guessing it's a yes. They are not going around looking for people to fine, only obvious rule breakers eg parties

BaronessVonCake · 27/12/2020 09:09

There's no requirement for him to come into your home to see DC. Tell him it's perfectly fine for him to see DC but not in the house- he needs to take him out to the park or something.

AuntieStella · 27/12/2020 09:09

Contact on the pattern pre-pandemic is allowed to continue, and children should see both parents.

So visits should be as before, but I think it is fair to say that he cannot enter your house, and you will hand over DS on the doorstep.

It's not clear if he usually stays overnight, what is the length of journey for him each way? I'm assuming not long, as you also say visits are for an hour or so

BaronessVonCake · 27/12/2020 09:11

What's with these entitled men who think they have a right to come into their ex partner's home? I'd never assume I could go into my ex's house, it's his private space (that he now shares with his partner and child!)

Lovemusic33 · 27/12/2020 09:11

People are allowed to travel to see their kids, contact should not be stopped due to covid so you should let him visit his son.

I know it’s worrying, my dc’s are going to their dads today, he lives with his partner and 2 teens that don’t stick to the covid restrictions so I know there’s a risk, he will also drag them around shops so his partner can go shopping 😡. There’s nothing I can do about it.

StacySoloman · 27/12/2020 09:12

You really don’t have to let him in to your house. Offer to drop your child off to him somewhere local.

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2020 09:22

This is nothing to do with covid. No rules would be broken.

Why are you letting your ex in your home? Stop enabling him. Tell him to go for a walk or a play. If not, he needn't bother.

Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 09:25

Thanks everyone. No overnight stays. Visits are sparse and it can go some weeks before we hear from him. He tends to pop round for the odd hour when he’s in the area. Lives approx 30 mins away but in a different county so different tiers.

It’s hard for our little one as he will often say he will visit and then doesn’t turn up. Honestly if I had my way I would rather he have no contact at all but I want to be able to look back on this and say I did everything I could to facilitate a relationship between them.

Very domineering to answer the previous question and yes, extremely entitled too. I am so much happier without him I can’t tell you. It look no end of courage to finish the relationship so I’m trying to look towards a happy future for me and my little boy.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 09:26

@WashingMachineCrisis

slipperywhensparticus - nice to know I’m not the only one. Does yours plead poverty too?

Unfortunately he wont take him out which is why I’m left with this conundrum. I should be more assertive with him but again that’s a whole other thread!

He tells everyone he had to shut down his business because of me he was paying me £400 minimum a week and it still wasn't enough I was lucky if he gave me fifty quid a month now he is claiming benefits and gives me less than £7 a week for two children (also works cash in hand) he is even behind with that 🙄
StacySoloman · 27/12/2020 09:41

Would it be better to formalise things - offer him every other Saturday/one Saturday a month (whatever you think he’s more likely to commit to!), meeting somewhere like MacDonalds or an Asda cafe. And maybe don’t tell your DS you’re seeing dad, so it’s a nice surprise if he turns up but if not he still gets a happy meal.

Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 09:43

Not sure how to quote but slipperywhensparticus that sounds very familiar. He doesn’t pay anything because he’s so poor apparently. When I’m in a better place mentally I will make sure to address this.

I guess really I was hoping that Covid rules meant I would have a way of standing up to him as the rules wouldn’t be coming from me. I need a new backbone or for someone to return the one I lost! Wink

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2020 09:50

Say no. No you may not use my house. This e.ould be reasonable even if there were no COVID. He can either come and take his son out, or he can make suitable living arrangements so his son can go stay. If he cant be bothered then he's a piece of shit (I'm tending towards this view tbh) and your ds is better off without him.

Try to put your offer in writing (text, email) so he cant claim later that you refused contact. And dont get drawn into long explanations or discussions about why you are saying no, or how he cant come up with an alternative. The first is none of his business, the second is not your problem.

MotherExtraordinaire · 27/12/2020 10:40

@WashingMachineCrisis

Hi everyone. I’ll try to keep this brief but am hoping to get some help dealing with a difficult ex-H.

We separated over a year and a half ago and since then, despite earning over twice what I do, he’s pleaded poverty and has been sofa surfing and coming to my house to see our 5 year old as and when it suits him. He’s a shit dad and remains almost wholly distant except for the odd hour or so visit but that’s for a whole separate thread.

He’s currently in a tier 3 area (due to go to tier 4 in a couple of days I think) and wants to travel up the country to see our son in a day or so. He’s been staying with his family and I’m not keen on him being here to be honest, but have never previously said anything to him for two reasons; one I don’t want to stand in the way of him having a relationship with his son and two, I’m quite wary of him (not physically as much but I don’t like his nasty side when he doesn’t get what he wants).

I know I should tell him no but I can’t see any guidance around separated parents visiting their children in the old family home. If we’re breaking the rules I know he wouldn’t pay the fine and that would be left to me too.

Is there anyone here that can advise me? Thanks everyone.

He's allowed contact with his child regardless of tiers.

He can only come in if part of your support bubble. If not, I'd send a message reminding him to bring warm clothes and a flask for the visit.

Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 10:50

Thanks for the advice, everybody. It looks like the best thing to do is to let him see little one outside.

Your advice is really appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
WashingMachineCrisis · 27/12/2020 10:52

Just to add- I don’t think he will agree to this set up but at least I will have offered. If he doesn’t turn up I can’t say I haven’t tried! Xmas Smile

OP posts:
DecemberStar · 27/12/2020 13:00

Yup go with "obviously in the current situation I can't let you into the house but there's that lovely playground up the road" (or whatever).

It could work in yr favour OP, either he doesn't come at all, or takes him out. The restrictions aren't going to be lessened for months (I think), so either way yr DS and ex will get used to him not entering yr house!

I'm guessing he'll give you an earful because of it but just keep repeating what you said first!

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