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Original poster

I don't know how to cope with tier 4

60 replies

Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 22:48

Just the title, really.

I got diagnosed with BPD aged 23, amongst other mental issues, mentally I'm very ill. I'm a mature student, I live in a house share, so I can't create a support bubble. My houseshare people are lovely but they can't support me, they don't even know I have BPD and I'd never put that on them.

I haven't seen my boyfriend- the person who keeps me going- unless outside in 2 months- I know it's Christmas but I feel so low.

I don't know how to do months more of this.

I wish I lived alone so I could form a support bubble with partner but I can't move in with him.

Is there ANY exemption for someone like me? I'm not 'sad.' I'm not using mental health as an excuse. I'm genuinely so low and empty and the thought of it only being legal to see my partner on a bloody park bench is getting to me.

If it makes a difference, I receive Disabled Students Allowance. I guess technically I am 'disabled,' just not physically.

I'm sorry for the negative post- and I hope anyone who sees this has had a lovely Christmas.

Also, please don't be harsh. I know the rules are important, I know that. But I'm at breaking point and I can't do months of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 22:49

If it makes a difference, I did have a nice Christmas with my housemates. That's one positive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 22:52

Sorry for the extra posts but by disabled I mean I couldn't work full time, no hope of that. I manage my degree with poor attendance and permanent deadline exemptions.

I'm seeing a therapist, doctors don't give a shit. I'm trying to get better. But it's hard.

Sorry for the drip feeding!

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 25/12/2020 22:55

I think there is an exception for health, but I'm not sure on the details. Its really rough.

Vitaminsss · 25/12/2020 22:56

Who does he live with?

Vitaminsss · 25/12/2020 22:57

Realistically if not seeing him would make you feel suicidal, just see him.

onedayinthefuture · 25/12/2020 22:58

Just see your partner. I can't understand how people who are in a romantic relationship together can actually keep apart. You have to do what makes you happy where you can.

Elephant4 · 25/12/2020 22:58

There is an exemption for adults with disabilities.

Not sure where to find it as I'm not sure of where you find the rules full stop. But someone posted them on here the other day - so perhaps some other poster could be kind enough to direct OP to them?

Elephant4 · 25/12/2020 22:59

And as Vitaminsss says - I think you should just see him anyway.

GinAndTonicOnIt · 25/12/2020 23:00

Have you read this? I think your partner would fall into a respite care or carer sort of territory.

It's states that This guidance is for anyone in England who cares, unpaid, for a friend or family member who, due to a lifelong condition, illness, disability, serious injury, a mental health condition or an addiction, cannot cope without their support. If you’re a carer in another part of the UK you should check the information relevant to your area.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-providing-unpaid-care/guidance-for-those-who-provide-unpaid-care-to-friends-or-family

Delatron · 25/12/2020 23:01

Just see him. Your mental health is so important.
It’s awful that it’s come to this. And no sitting kn a park bench doesn’t cut it.

Elephant4 · 25/12/2020 23:02

Here we are OP:

I just saw this on another thread.

*There are rules about who can be in that support bubble.

You are the only adult in your household (any other members of the household having been under 18 on 12 June 2020), or are an under 18 year old living without any adults
you live with someone with a disability who requires continuous care and there is no other adult living in the household
you live with a child under 1, or who was under 1 on 2 December 2020
you live with a child under 5, or who was under 5 on 2 December 2020, who has a disability and requires continuous care*

Having read this it says nothing about if you yourself have a disability which is ridiculous.

I think you should just go and see your BF.

GinAndTonicOnIt · 25/12/2020 23:03

Hi OP you sound like you may have a touch of imposter syndrome. Your mental health issues are real, you therefore have a disability and are vulnerable. Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to see your partner Thanks

Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:03

It's not just about him, it's that he's the person who lives nearest who can practically offer support. My parents live in Scotland, otherwise I'd move home. Sadly that isn't practical as I'm a nanny and even if I'm not working now (I'm part time) they may need me back at a moments notice!

My boyfriend lives with his friend, they both rent the place. I did 'move in' during the first lockdown but the flat is small and the landlord got funny when he found out. I don't want to impose on his flatmate either.

My flatmates are lovely but again I can't just move my boyfriend in- There's not enough room and it's not fair on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:05

Thank you for the further replies, it does mean a lot.

OP posts:
MegBusset · 25/12/2020 23:07

Government guidance on caring for a vulnerable person (inc MH conditions) states;

"If everyone is well and you cannot deliver care while social distancing, you can continue to provide essential care and travel to deliver this care."

I would take this to apply to your situation

carlaCox · 25/12/2020 23:07

If I were you I would screw the rules and go and visit him at his house when you need to for your own sanity. They're absolutely asking too much of people to go for months and months only seeing their partner on a park bench. Especially in times like these. It's inhuman.

MegBusset · 25/12/2020 23:10

Sorry realised that link has already been posted Blush but yes I'm sure that applies to you.

Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:10

Thank you again for the replies, it has actually helped a lot. Especially on Christmas.

I think my partner would count as an 'unofficial' carer, in this respect. So thank you for the links and information.

We also only live literally a five minute drive away. There is no crossing of tiers or anything!

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/12/2020 23:10

I'm concerned that your boyfriend is so important to your MH. I think you need to stay over at his occasionally and stay at yours occasionally, if your flatmates agree. Ignore the rules as the links given by PPs earlier show that there are exceptions.
But it's so important for you to create a wider network that help you feel stable. It's too risky to place so much in the hands of one person.

Passmeabottlemrjones · 25/12/2020 23:12

Honestly, just see him.

Delatron · 25/12/2020 23:12

Ah just see him OP. It will make you feel so much better. Sorry you are in this situation and you’re being made to feel like this.

Original poster
Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:13

Also I think I do have a touch of imposter syndrome, as someone described it. I know everyone feels low right now so I feel bad potentially breaking rules when, for example, my flatmate can't see his girlfriend either.

I know our situations are different- I have BPD, he does not. But it still makes me feel like I'm making excuses.

I think tomorrow I will have a talk with all of them, tell them about my BPD and just be honest- I feel like that is needed, especially if I do see my partner.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 25/12/2020 23:15

One person on their own can have somebody come to the house if they need support AFAIK. E.g. an elderly person who needs help with household chores.

MegBusset · 25/12/2020 23:17

That sounds like a good idea to talk to your flatmates about the situation.

Are there any BPD support groups in your area? Your local Mind might be able to point you in the right direction.

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