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Original poster

I don't know how to cope with tier 4

60 replies

Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 22:48

Just the title, really.

I got diagnosed with BPD aged 23, amongst other mental issues, mentally I'm very ill. I'm a mature student, I live in a house share, so I can't create a support bubble. My houseshare people are lovely but they can't support me, they don't even know I have BPD and I'd never put that on them.

I haven't seen my boyfriend- the person who keeps me going- unless outside in 2 months- I know it's Christmas but I feel so low.

I don't know how to do months more of this.

I wish I lived alone so I could form a support bubble with partner but I can't move in with him.

Is there ANY exemption for someone like me? I'm not 'sad.' I'm not using mental health as an excuse. I'm genuinely so low and empty and the thought of it only being legal to see my partner on a bloody park bench is getting to me.

If it makes a difference, I receive Disabled Students Allowance. I guess technically I am 'disabled,' just not physically.

I'm sorry for the negative post- and I hope anyone who sees this has had a lovely Christmas.

Also, please don't be harsh. I know the rules are important, I know that. But I'm at breaking point and I can't do months of this.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 25/12/2020 23:17

@MegBusset

Government guidance on caring for a vulnerable person (inc MH conditions) states;

"If everyone is well and you cannot deliver care while social distancing, you can continue to provide essential care and travel to deliver this care."

I would take this to apply to your situation

How odd that it seems to imply that only a support person/carer can travel! Can it be that there an underlying assumption that people with mental health issues and mobility issues are unable to travel?

Go and see him. You need his support, and I expect he may need yours.

Original poster

Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:18

@DianaT1969

If you look at the replies I've posted, it's not just my boyfriend- Ideally I would actually see my parents, but they live in Scotland and its miles away. It's more the general isolation. My flatmates are lovely, but we're not close by any means. We stay in our separate rooms most of the time and it's very lonely!

I do see your point- I do have a firm circle of friends, but most of them live miles away- also in Scotland!- as I moved to attend my uni course.

OP posts:

GinAndTonicOnIt · 25/12/2020 23:19

I would encourage you to open up to them about your BPD OP. You have a diagnosis and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised at their response. One of my uni housemates had BPD. Once she finally told us we were like 'oooooh that's why'. Not in a horrible way, it just meant we could try to understand more and knew how to help. I don't think I always got it right, but it was a start.

AmberItsACertainty · 25/12/2020 23:21

This is how I see it. The rules are there to prevent people dying. So depending on how low you are I think you're justified in breaking them for the same reason. Also could you do things like cycle or walk together with your partner so you're not sitting outside in the cold getting colder? The exercise would keep you warm and might help with your mental health as well as giving you a change of scenery and fitness goals to aim for, seeing progress with fitness is a positive feeling. Is your current therapist through your university? If not, see if you can get some additional help through the uni. Even 6wks of basic counseling to help tackle one specific issue might be helpful to the overall picture. Are there any therapy/support groups in the community for your condition that you could join for some extra support, which are running online at the moment via zoom or whatever? I'm thinking it's better not to have all your eggs in one basket (boyfriend) and get support from multiple places if possible. Any online hobbies you could get involved with as a distraction? We all just need to somehow get through the next few months. Can you make a plan of how to get through the next week? To-do lists, allocate a relaxing activity to each day, name a different friend to call/message for a chat each day, that sort of thing. So when you're in the thick of it and can't see a way forward it's all written down for you to follow, including activities that'll make you feel better. You can call/email Samaritans daily if you're in crisis and think it'll help. With your housemates you could tell them you're struggling with lockdown, you don't need to mention mental health problems or how much you're struggling. But to get even some small help from anyone who can give it would be a useful addition? Something as daft as watching a favourite TV show once a week and chatting about it perhaps? I'm thinking loneliness is getting to everyone so things that foster a connection with other people could be helpful.

Vitaminsss · 25/12/2020 23:22

Could you afford to move to a new place with him? If so, seems like a good time.

Original poster

Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:23

There are BPD groups but a lot is on hold right now! I am in therapy which helps. I've had BPD symptoms for 7 years now, diagnosis is fairly recent. In 'normal times,' I can function but the the last lockdown has really gotten to me.

At the same time, I'm thankful I've got my job and studies. Financially I am worse off- aren't we all? - but I've managed. I know some people are far worse off so I have that to be grateful for.

OP posts:

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 25/12/2020 23:24

Rules, like laws, are made for the guidance of the wise and the obedience of fools - if your mental health is suffering, see him, see him in a comfortable setting, not outside, several feet apart on a bench, in the cold. The cruelty of these 'rules' is beyond comprehension to me, mental health is priority.

For what it is worth, my mum, alone, in poor health, both physically and mentally, is declining - I will not be told that I cannot see her during her last few months. Hang that and hang the 'rules' in certain circumstances.

Original poster

Vindresi2020 · 25/12/2020 23:24

We are moving in together in September- When our contracts end. So also that to look forward to!

OP posts:

justgeton · 25/12/2020 23:35

I don't want to be harsh but I don't agree it's ok to break rules.

You live with people, you say yourself you've had a nice Christmas

Find a way to live with your bf or stick it out. I'm sorry but the rules are there for a reason.

I know I probably sound really vile but every one of us could think of a reason why this is hard.

SOmuchsparkle · 25/12/2020 23:37

Just see him OP.
You must look after yourself. Mental health is so very important.
You sound really kind and caring about not sharing things with flatmates but you must absolutely take care of yourself. This is really important.
Please just see him.
Can your folks help by chatting to you about stuff over the phone?
Take care of yourself sweetheart

bingowingsmcgee · 25/12/2020 23:38

Get support however you can OP. It's not like you're going to take silly needless risks. You do what you have to do to keep it together x

psychomath · 25/12/2020 23:56

I have/had BPD and I think you've done amazingly well to have got this far, if you haven't seen him indoors in two months. If it's severe enough that you get a disability allowance then I would imagine you're at quite serious risk of self-harm during episodes.

I'm not sure about Tier 4 rules specifically but under previous restrictions there's always been an exception for visiting someone to give or receive essential care, or to prevent someone from coming to harm - it doesn't fall under the support bubble rules, it's a separate part of the regulations. I'm pretty sure your situation would be covered by that

Nettleskeins · 26/12/2020 00:04

Just see him. There have always been exemptions for serious mental health issues and to escape harm or injury.

Pinkchocolate · 26/12/2020 00:20

I would see him in your position. I think it’s justified. I’ve been a mature student and it’s quite isolating. You’re not travelling home to Scotland even though I’m sure you’d love to. Look after yourself OP, do what’s right for you.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 26/12/2020 00:23

I didn't want to read and run but there's at least one UK BPD/EUPD support group on Facebook where you might be able to find answers or at least a lot of people in the same boat with a lot of empathy and maybe practical solutions.
Are you doing DBT/have you done DBT skills and are you doing the mindfulness and self-care aspects of it?
I hope you can find a way through this difficult time.

Kitten11x · 26/12/2020 00:26

Hi Op. Having heard some very sad stories about the mental health effects of Corona I think you should see your partner, but take all the precautions you can. Your mental health is exceptionally important and you need to be well x

clopper · 26/12/2020 00:31

justgeton

I know I probably sound really vile

Yes I think you do a bit. Mental health issues which are serious like the op deserve a bit more understanding in my opinion. It’s more than being a bit sad, frustrated and fed up. We need to have more empathy for those with fragile mental health. Probably less than a year ago the emphasis on social media was on being more sympathetic to those with mental health issues and the # be kind movement. What has happened to all that?

balloonsintrees · 26/12/2020 00:32

Sorry if said already but wanted t o give answer before going to sleep.
There is an exemption for vulnerable people who need support, this includes severe mental illness such as BPD.
I checked this out as am a sufferer along with bipolar but my main support is a colleague as well as my husband. We've been in tier 4 for a couple of weeks and the knowledge that I can meet if need be has made it slightly easier and meant that I haven't had to.
Stay well and good luck.

Oneweekleft · 26/12/2020 06:07

Good idea to talk to your flat mates. I understand you OP. The tier 4 rules are too tough for some people to live with without destroying their mental health. My circumstances are different but I have 3 sons. I decided yesterday if they shut the schools now I will have to see my parents and let my parents see my kids (we are in tier 4 too). I simply can't stay locked up in our small house with the kids indefinitely. My mental health won't cope. As I said on another thread I already know of someone who committed suicide a month ago and although I'm sure I wouldn't do that I'm not going to grind myself into the ground for this virus.

justgeton · 26/12/2020 09:03

@clopper

justgeton

I know I probably sound really vile

A pandemic has happened.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/12/2020 11:11

I think if you generally stay in your rooms then he should come over and stay in your room. You can get all you need from the kitchen first.

Same if you go to his house.

You are isolated and livening alone to some degree.

OverTheRainbow88 · 26/12/2020 11:15

I would bubble up with him, there’s no point in surviving this pandemic if afterwards it’s left you in a bad mental state.

I would just explain your situation to your housemates and do it.

clopper · 26/12/2020 12:54

justgeton A pandemic has happened.

And? Is that an excuse to ignore severe mental health difficulties or try and make people feel worse?
I think being diagnosed with a disorder and receiving a disability allowance should be taken into consideration. It’s not like just being a bit sad and lonely. I really hate this lack of empathy. My sibling committed suicide a long time ago due to severe mental health issues. Maybe you have been lucky and this hasn’t ever touched your family.

justgeton · 26/12/2020 13:12

No of course not.

However this OP lives with people she has had a lovely Christmas with.
She works and has the company of children and maybe their family.
She has a partner she has lived with and then moved decided to move out but is only 5 minutes away from.

So no, doing just what you want to isn't acceptable.

Yes mental health has affected me. So has Covid.

It is hard on everyone.

carlaCox · 26/12/2020 13:16

I really hate this lack of empathy.

I agree. I know of one suicide and one attempted suicide among family and friends this year. Forcing people into a spiral of depression through loneliness and isolation doesn't help the NHS or anyone else.

OP - I think we've all realised this is a marathon and not a sprint and so I think you should do what you need to do to keep your mental health in check. I spent 8 weeks without seeing any friends or family (they live in a different city and I wasn't allowed to travel) and I was starting to lose it. Eventually I broke the rules and drove over there for the day because I couldn't handle it anymore. I feel a million times better now and strong enough to survive the rest of the winter in lockdown. If people want to judge me for that then so be it.

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