How can I let my mom be alone over Christmas?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My two extra households over Christmas are:

1. My father-in-law.....
2. ....and by default my FIL’s brother, as my FIL is visiting him on Christmas Eve.

I have got my dad coming round to mine as well at some point between those 5 days but he’s my support bubble so doesn’t actually count.

The plan was that my mom (parents are divorced) was going to go and see my brother.

However, my mom has just phoned me, very upset, to say that my brother is already bubbled with two other households: his partner’s parents, and one of his close friends who is going to find this Christmas very hard due to losing his mum last Christmas (and doesn’t have any other close family).

My brother had told my mom that although it’s technically not allowed, she can still go over and visit him at some point during the 5 days if she wishes, but my mom has been sticking by the rules for so long that she doesn’t want to do that.

My mom lives alone and so obviously, has really struggled throughout lockdown during the stages of not being able to see people in homes (or at all) and she was so looking forward to finally being able to see me, my brother, and all our children.

My mom has pleaded with me that after the five day window of seeing people over Christmas, can I, my husband and the children please go and visit her for a day so she can make Christmas Dinner for people to enjoy, and for her to enjoy it with them, and so she can see the children open the presents she has bought for them.

We are in Tier 3 so technically this isn’t allowed.

Christmas has always been such a special time for us as a family - there are normally 14 of us who go to her house and she hosts the day. She goes absolutely crazy regarding the decorations, inside and out and turns her house into some kind of Grotto, there are presents everywhere, Christmas music playing, Christmas Trees in every room and she cooks the Christmas Dinner for everyone too - and it means everything to her.

How can I now sentence her to being completely alone all over Christmas?

Personally I would have no problem going to see her, but at the same time I know it’s outside The Rules and I know how much that is frowned upon.

The whole thing is horrible. She was so upset when she phoned me. She never normally cries.

I just don’t know what to do

@chopc

Add your mother to your Christmas gathering. I wouldn't hesitate

Well that's the most logical answer but for some reason the OPs mum deems it unacceptable. It really shouldn't need to be turned into a logic puzzle she she just agree to come over.

Ah, just saw the FIL’s brother isn’t there for actual Christmas Day. Even easier. Just take FIL to your mums for Christmas Day

Personally I’d be taking my kids and going to my mothers on Christmas Day around lunchtime, leaving hubby to look after his father and uncle

Fils brother wont be in your bubble if fill sees him 21st to 22nd as bubbles are from 23rd to 27th. Daft I know but you won't actually be breaking the rules.
I would ask your Mum on the 24th and offer go to her 27th or 28th and leave it up to her to decide. You have done all you can then. Please don't uninvite fil, that wouldn't be fair.

That makes a bubble of five.
-OP
-Mum
-FIL
-FIL’s brother
-The other person FIL’s brother is seeing

Everyone involved needs to get into groups of three. For FIL to be able to visit OP his brother would have to give up the other person he was planning to see, or FIL would have to give up seeing his brother.

I’m going to have to run from the thread now as my son’s school have just tang to say he’s started with a dry cough and needs collecting.

I will catch up this evening when the children are in bed.

Thank you for all your thoughts and suggestions - They’ve been really helpful.

I’m guessing he thought that as our household wouldn’t physically be seeing his brother or brother’s family then it didn’t count in terms of mixing households.
I guess he thought that. But it does count. Bubbles of three are supposed to be exclusive.

Got the honest reading through I lost track of who is going where and when.

I would say if you are going to break the rules after Xmas to see her. May as well just break them during Xmas and have her over with FIL hadn’t you?

People aren’t permitted to visit or host guests at present. The rules are being temporarily suspended from 23rd to 27th Dec. It’s illegal for FIL to visit his brother on 21-22nd Dec and will result in a fine if he gets caught or reported.

It’s illegal for FIL to visit his brother on 21-22nd Dec and will result in a fine if he gets caught or reported.

Not necessarily as both FIL and his brother are single households so they could join together as a support bubble which is perfectly legal and would probably be quite sensible.

Assuming FIL and his brother aren’t bubbled with anyone else then they could bubble together and have a visit. In which case that wouldn’t count as part of a Christmas bubble for 23-27th.

couldn't you just bubble with her by yourself? I'd go round to my Mum's on my own for the 5 days and spend it with her instead of my parent's in law tbh - it is just one year you don't have to be with your husband

Have your mum over.
The rule of six is just a number, it’s to prevent party’s of 30 or 300, not intended to make old ladies spend Christmas Day alone.

@Heyahun

couldn't you just bubble with her by yourself? I'd go round to my Mum's on my own for the 5 days and spend it with her instead of my parent's in law tbh - it is just one year you don't have to be with your husband

And who gets to see the kids for those 5 days? Mommy or Daddy?

My mum's no longer around unfortunately, however if she was, covid or not she would never Be alone at Christmas. Ffs

@ThornAmongstRoses

But you dont have to break any rules. Your FIL and his brother should be a single household bubble so they only count as 1 family, your mum would make 2.

Would this still be ok if my FIL’s brother was seeing other people?

Im going to give my FIL a call and try and find exactly what the set-up is with his brother.

Would this still be ok if my FIL’s brother was seeing other people?

No, but if he’s seeing other people he doesn’t really need to come and bugger up your arrangements does he? Indeed, he shouldn’t be because anyone else he’s seeing would also become part of your bubble.

The rules are ridiculous. Do what's right for your family.

I wish Boris had just said that if anyone lives alone then they can visit one other household for Christmas, but for everyone else you just stay at home and enjoy it with your own household.

Yes this would be so much easier OP and make a lot more sense.

I really fail to see why one household of 4 (with 2 kids in school so mixing with hundreds of others daily without social distancing) mixing with another household of 4 (2 kids also mixing with hundreds daily) is ok but the scenario where you have your mother and FIL around at once - even though FIL's seen one person a few days earier - is a problem.

It's really doesn't seem fair for your Mum to be alone at Xmas when it's other people choosing to see multiple people that is meaning she'll be alone.

I hope you find a way that she can be with you and everyone feel happy but in terms of actual risks of coronavirus spread, I'd say the scenario where you host both FIL and your Mum is way less risky than multiple 4 person households mixing. Especially since it sounds that she's been quite careful. I don't think she's really 'bubbling' with her parents any more if she only speaks to them from the drive.....

I am all for obeying the rules (haven’t personally broken them once), however i think in this situation you need to assess the risk for what it is. If your mom is willing to see you after Christmas then she would get any germs you caught over the 5 days anyway. The virus doesn’t understand BoJo says it’s okay for 5 days. Therefore, just invite her over, the risk is in no meaningful way increased.

@Anoisagusaris

I’d be ignoring the rules and have her for Xmas. Three households is a random number. It’s not like you are having 30 people.

This. Don't let your mum be at home on her own at Christmas.

@TillyTopper

Just invite her round, she can come if she wants. Ignore their bubble shite.

This is what I'd do.

Well I’ve spoken to all parties and I have told my mom to just come to mine on Christmas Eve with my dad and my FIL too and although it’s breaking The Rules, there isn’t much else we can do.

My mom was anxious at the thought and said she’d prefer it if we all (my household) just went to her on the 27/28th but like has been said, any germs my dad or FIL may have, would have already been passed to me anyway, so she may as well just join us all on the 24th.

We did speak to FIL about how he shouldn’t be visiting his brother seeing as those dates fall outside of the 5 day bracket, but he stayed very quiet.

I was almost tempted to tell him that if he’s going to flout the rules and travel to a different County for two days, then he really shouldn’t be coming to ours anyway. It would cause even more family dispute if I did though and it’s just not worth the Aggro.

Invite her to yours for Christmas.

The law is now out and it is very complicated and very unfair on people.

Just read this bit from the Health Protection (Coronavirus, Restrictions) (All Tiers) (England) Regulations 2020 www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1374/made/data.pdf

"Linked Christmas households

4.—(1) For the purposes of these Regulations, a “linked Christmas household” means one or more members of a household who are linked with one or more members of another household in accordance with this regulation for the purpose of gathering during the Christmas period.

(2) One or more members of a household may choose to be linked with one or more members of no more than two other households for the purpose mentioned in paragraph (1) if all members who would be linked in accordance with this regulation agree (subject to paragraph (3)).

(3) Where—

(a)a person who would be a member of a linked Christmas household is a child, and

(b)a person who has parental responsibility for the child is a member of the child’s household or is any person with parental responsibility for the child in a case where paragraph (7) applies,

the agreement required by paragraph (2) is to be given by that person (and not the child).

(4) The members of the households that choose to be linked in accordance with this regulation are linked Christmas households in relation to each other.

(5) Where a member of a household is or has been in a linked Christmas household in relation to members of two other households, the person cannot be linked with the members of any other household under this regulation.

(6) Except as provided by paragraph (7), no person may be a member of more than one linked Christmas household.

(7) A child who does not live in the same household as their parents or one of their parents may be a member of a linked Christmas household formed by each parent.

(8) For the purposes of this regulation two households which are linked households in relation to each other count as a single household. "