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Original poster

How can I let my mom be alone over Christmas?

99 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 11:59

My two extra households over Christmas are:

  1. My father-in-law.....
  2. ....and by default my FIL’s brother, as my FIL is visiting him on Christmas Eve.

I have got my dad coming round to mine as well at some point between those 5 days but he’s my support bubble so doesn’t actually count.

The plan was that my mom (parents are divorced) was going to go and see my brother.

However, my mom has just phoned me, very upset, to say that my brother is already bubbled with two other households: his partner’s parents, and one of his close friends who is going to find this Christmas very hard due to losing his mum last Christmas (and doesn’t have any other close family).

My brother had told my mom that although it’s technically not allowed, she can still go over and visit him at some point during the 5 days if she wishes, but my mom has been sticking by the rules for so long that she doesn’t want to do that.

My mom lives alone and so obviously, has really struggled throughout lockdown during the stages of not being able to see people in homes (or at all) and she was so looking forward to finally being able to see me, my brother, and all our children.

My mom has pleaded with me that after the five day window of seeing people over Christmas, can I, my husband and the children please go and visit her for a day so she can make Christmas Dinner for people to enjoy, and for her to enjoy it with them, and so she can see the children open the presents she has bought for them.

We are in Tier 3 so technically this isn’t allowed.

Christmas has always been such a special time for us as a family - there are normally 14 of us who go to her house and she hosts the day. She goes absolutely crazy regarding the decorations, inside and out and turns her house into some kind of Grotto, there are presents everywhere, Christmas music playing, Christmas Trees in every room and she cooks the Christmas Dinner for everyone too - and it means everything to her.

How can I now sentence her to being completely alone all over Christmas? Sad

Personally I would have no problem going to see her, but at the same time I know it’s outside The Rules and I know how much that is frowned upon.

The whole thing is horrible. She was so upset when she phoned me. She never normally cries.

I just don’t know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:10

Is your mum not in a bubble with someone now?

She is bubbled with her elderly parents - she does their shopping for them and goes and visits a few times a week to check up on them. During the lockdown though they haven’t actually let her in the house and won’t do whilst in Tier 3 either.

My grandparents are both very vulnerable and as my mom is still going out to work and mixing with numerous people, my Grandparents don’t want to take any risk of having her in their home. It’s not ideal but she respects that it’s their choice to make. These days, when she visits them she just stands on the driveway to talk to them.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 01/12/2020 13:11

I would never leave my Mum on her own on Christmas Day. And I'd be furious with my brother too, if he put a friend above his Mum.

I know breaking the rules is what is causing the problem, but I would let your Mum come to you on this occasion, rather than someone you haven't met. Or let them both come!

Foobydoo · 01/12/2020 13:12

I feel so angry with my brother, he genuinely just didn’t think. He thought that the three household rule meant you could have three households under one roof at any one time, not that you could only see another two households over the whole 5 day period

The majority of people I have spoken to think this.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:12

Just spoke to FIL who said his brother is seeing someone else over Christmas.

So that means that if he choose to go and see his brother he can’t come to our?

Or is it still allowed because he and his brother could be classed as one household because they both live alone?

It’s so confusing.

OP posts:
AnnnaBananna · 01/12/2020 13:12

These days, when she visits them she just stands on the driveway to talk to them
She’s not in a bubble with them then. She can do shopping for anyone, and stand on the drive talking to anyone. Technically she can and should bubble with someone else.

MrsMigginsMate · 01/12/2020 13:13

Sorry I'm confused - she won't let your brother break the rules to see her but she wants you to break them? I thought you said she was an avid rule follower, this doesn't make sense to me.

I would just see her personally.

PrivateD00r · 01/12/2020 13:13

I am another who can't cope with all this bubble talk! Just do whatever you have to do to make sure your mum isn't alone all over Christmas, that is unacceptable.

LittleMissLockdown · 01/12/2020 13:14

It doesn't sound lie your mothers in a bubble at all from what you uave written so I'd get her to bubble with you. Anyone can do shopping for family members the bubble is so single people can spend time with people which she's not doing.

AnnnaBananna · 01/12/2020 13:15

Just spoke to FIL who said his brother is seeing someone else over Christmas
Assuming brother isn’t in a bubble with the someone else... Brother (1) plus the someone else (2) plus FIL (3) is a bubble of three. So if your FIL sees his brother he would be unable to see you.

I wouldn’t enquire any further because this solves your problem. Tell FIL if he joins his brother’s bubble he will be unable to join your bubble.

Foobydoo · 01/12/2020 13:16

If your Mum is mixing at work and isn't clinically vulnerable I would just invite her.
I know it isn't strictly sticking to the rules but there will only be 5 adults mixing in total if you include fils brother.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:18

She isn’t bothered that my brother is willing to break the rules, she just doesn’t want to Household Bubble with people she doesn’t know (his partner’s parents and his friend) a she doesn’t know how well, or if, they’ve been following the rules.

With me, she knows me and DH have been following the rules so she doesn’t feel it’s a risk for me to be in her house. She knows my
Dad and FIL have been following the rules too so she isn’t concerned about being part of our ‘household bubble’.

OP posts:
Foobydoo · 01/12/2020 13:21

Could you ask fil if he could possibly see brother on boxing day instead. Still an extra bubble but wouldn't affect your Mum as he would join the bubble after she left it.

Stradivari · 01/12/2020 13:21

@lughnasadh

Your mother is making this more of an issue than it need be.

If she's willing to see you after Christmas, she can see you/yur brother over the holiday.

The 'risk' will be pretty much the same, the same people will still have been mixing.

This
Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:23

I wouldn’t enquire any further because this solves your problem. Tell FIL if he joins his brother’s bubble he will be unable to join your bubble.

It’s just so hard isn’t it because then I’m backtracking on what’s already been agreed.

It just seems to harsh to tell FIL that my brother screwed up and therefore he’s got to choose between seeing his brother or seeing us.

I can’t wait until all this is over!!!!

OP posts:
AnnnaBananna · 01/12/2020 13:29

It just seems to harsh to tell FIL that my brother screwed up and therefore he’s got to choose between seeing his brother or seeing us
That would be the case even if your brother hadn’t screwed up and your mum was going to his for Christmas. FIL, his brother and the other person the brother is seeing make a bubble of three. If your FIL joins that bubble he can’t join yours.

Zoolally · 01/12/2020 13:31

@ThornAmongstRoses

She isn’t bothered that my brother is willing to break the rules, she just doesn’t want to Household Bubble with people she doesn’t know (his partner’s parents and his friend) a she doesn’t know how well, or if, they’ve been following the rules.

With me, she knows me and DH have been following the rules so she doesn’t feel it’s a risk for me to be in her house. She knows my
Dad and FIL have been following the rules too so she isn’t concerned about being part of our ‘household bubble’.

Yes but you just said your mother was out and about mixing with numerous people so she can’t really complain if your film is doing the same.

Honestly, you’re both making a massive mountain out of this. Just tell her to come to yours. It sounds like you just don’t want your fil and his brother to come and are trying to find reasons not to invite them

loutypips · 01/12/2020 13:31

Bugger the rules! My mum died a few weeks ago and I'd do anything to spend one more Xmas with her.
Don't leave her alone. Can she become part of your household for a while?

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:32

Could you ask fil if he could possibly see brother on boxing day instead. Still an extra bubble but wouldn't affect your Mum as he would join the bubble after she left it.

My mom has asked us to go to her house on either the 27th or 28th.

As it stands my FIL is going to stay with his brother between the 21st and 22nd.
Then, my dad and my FIL are coming to us for Christmas Day on the 24th - thats our Christmas Day this year because I’m working all day on the real Christmas Day.

I’m then spending Boxing Day with DH and the children and then we are possibly going to my mom’s house on either the 27th or 28th.

Maybe I will just say to my mom that she’s welcome to come over on the 24th, but to just be aware that my FIL will have been mixing with other people in the days leading up to it.

If she doesn’t want to risk that, which I imagine she won’t as it’s no different to a risk as she’d have been taking with my brother, then I guess it just means she will have to be alone until the 27th or 28th.

I can’t bear the thought of that though so I’m going to speak to DH tonight about whether we can un-invite his dad. It’s all just so unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:34

Honestly, you’re both making a massive mountain out of this. Just tell her to come to yours. It sounds like you just don’t want your fil and his brother to come and are trying to find reasons not to invite them

My FIL’s brother isn’t coming. My FIL is visiting him at his home two days before he comes to ours. And I love my FIL so I have no problem at all with him being here.

OP posts:
chopc · 01/12/2020 13:35

Add your mother to your Christmas gathering. I wouldn't hesitate

lightyearsahead · 01/12/2020 13:37

Your mum should just come to you. Now I have stuck to the rules but in some cases you need to take a pragmatic approach.
No one needs to be on their own.
One more will make little difference especially if you ask them all to be careful 10 days before hand.

LittleMissLockdown · 01/12/2020 13:38

I can’t bear the thought of that though so I’m going to speak to DH tonight about whether we can un-invite his dad.

Don't uninvite his dad. Can't you G
get your mum to bubble with your brother as her current bubble isn't actually supportive to her and then she can go over without worrying about breaking rules.

Derbee · 01/12/2020 13:39

If your mum enjoys hosting Christmas, then the answer is simple. You, DH, kids, FIL and FIL brother go to your mums for Christmas.

People are getting too hung up on the number of households/bubbles etc. Some common sense is vital.

R number is the same in London as it is in Manchester, yet the bollocks Tier numbers aren’t the same. It’s all getting silly now. Use your common sense, and spend Christmas with your mum.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 01/12/2020 13:39

It just seems to harsh to tell FIL that my brother screwed up and therefore he’s got to choose between seeing his brother or seeing us

That would be the case even if your brother hadn’t screwed up and your mum was going to his for Christmas. FIL, his brother and the other person the brother is seeing make a bubble of three. If your FIL joins that bubble he can’t join yours.

I’m guessing he thought that as our household wouldn’t physically be seeing his brother or brother’s family then it didn’t count in terms of mixing households.

It seems a lot of people have this understanding.

I wish Boris had just said that if anyone lives alone then they can visit one other household for Christmas, but for everyone else you just stay at home and enjoy it with your own household.

OP posts:
AnnnaBananna · 01/12/2020 13:39

You aren’t uninviting FIL. You’re telling him he has to choose his bubble. Bubble 1: His brother plus whoever. Bubble 2: You. He can’t see both bubbles no matter where your mother goes.