How can I let my mom be alone over Christmas?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My two extra households over Christmas are:

1. My father-in-law.....
2. ....and by default my FIL’s brother, as my FIL is visiting him on Christmas Eve.

I have got my dad coming round to mine as well at some point between those 5 days but he’s my support bubble so doesn’t actually count.

The plan was that my mom (parents are divorced) was going to go and see my brother.

However, my mom has just phoned me, very upset, to say that my brother is already bubbled with two other households: his partner’s parents, and one of his close friends who is going to find this Christmas very hard due to losing his mum last Christmas (and doesn’t have any other close family).

My brother had told my mom that although it’s technically not allowed, she can still go over and visit him at some point during the 5 days if she wishes, but my mom has been sticking by the rules for so long that she doesn’t want to do that.

My mom lives alone and so obviously, has really struggled throughout lockdown during the stages of not being able to see people in homes (or at all) and she was so looking forward to finally being able to see me, my brother, and all our children.

My mom has pleaded with me that after the five day window of seeing people over Christmas, can I, my husband and the children please go and visit her for a day so she can make Christmas Dinner for people to enjoy, and for her to enjoy it with them, and so she can see the children open the presents she has bought for them.

We are in Tier 3 so technically this isn’t allowed.

Christmas has always been such a special time for us as a family - there are normally 14 of us who go to her house and she hosts the day. She goes absolutely crazy regarding the decorations, inside and out and turns her house into some kind of Grotto, there are presents everywhere, Christmas music playing, Christmas Trees in every room and she cooks the Christmas Dinner for everyone too - and it means everything to her.

How can I now sentence her to being completely alone all over Christmas?

Personally I would have no problem going to see her, but at the same time I know it’s outside The Rules and I know how much that is frowned upon.

The whole thing is horrible. She was so upset when she phoned me. She never normally cries.

I just don’t know what to do

Can FIL bubble with his brother so that they count as one household? Also is FIL brother really not seeing anyone else, otherwise the bubble is already expanded.

In my mind the point of the Christmas rule relaxations is so that no one is left alone. With that in mind, I would either turn a blind eye to FIL visiting his brother or ask FIL to choose between your household/his brother's.

She doesn’t want to ‘bubble’ with my brother’s partner’s family, or my brother’s friend
So she CAN go to your brother’s, she just doesn’t want to.

Op if your FIL is seeing people already could you see your mum instead of him?
This. Tell FIL if he wants to see his brother then he can’t also see you. He’s being selfish - he already has one household to spend Christmas with but he greedily wants two, thus leaving your mum with none.

@ThornAmongstRoses

If she's willing to see you after Christmas, she can see you/yur brother over the holiday.

She doesn’t want to ‘bubble’ with my brother’s partner’s family, or my brother’s friend as she doesn’t know them or know if they’ve abiding by the rules or whether they’ve still been seeing people, whereas she knows I’ve been following the rules, and that I don’t really go anywhere so she trusts that I’m ‘safe’ enough to risk seeing me against the rules.

Your mother sounds like a bit of a hypocrite to me. If she's a stickler for the rules and has followed them religiously then she should know full well that what she's suggesting you do isn't allowed and not put you in the position to have to make that choice.

I did consider suggesting that FIL doesn’t come to us, but his wife (my lovely MIL) passed away a few years ago and both my FIL and DH really find Christmas hard without her (it was her favourite time of year) so I just wouldn’t feel right telling them they can’t see each other

My FIL’s brother does live alone, I hadn’t thought about that in terms of maybe he and FIL could unite to form just one household.

I assumed my FIL’s brother wouldn’t be seeing anybody else but I hadn’t actually asked.

The three household rule is so hard seeing as people are being are being forced to be in household bubbles with people they’ve never even met, never mind see over Christmas - as in me and my FIL’s brother. I’ve never met him but because of him I can’t see my mom - it just seems to ludicrous.

so I just wouldn’t feel right telling them they can’t see each other
Tell your DH to go and spend Christmas with his father and uncle then. You spend Christmas with your mum.

@brotherforHelen

Does none of the households that are in your bubble count as a single household that could be added by way of a support bubble? If so, the they can count as part of your household and then you can have four, iyswim?

This. If she is in a single person household she can form a support bubble with your household. This allows you to effectively function as a single household.

Sorry I've just seen you are already support bubble with your dad.

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor no she can’t, ops support bubble is already her dad. You can’t have two!

I know, guilty of skim reading.

Tell your DH to go and spend Christmas with his father and uncle then. You spend Christmas with your mum.

We both want to spend Christmas with our children. I wouldn’t let him take them away from me, and vice versa.

All this had been decided upon last week, before I learnt about my mom and my brother issues.

So now it’s a case of trying to work out how we move forwards and not disappoint anyone.

I just can’t have my mom being alone for Christmas.

I feel so angry with my brother, he genuinely just didn’t think. He thought that the three household rule meant you could have three households under one roof at any one time, not that you could only see another two households over the whole 5 day period.

He thought that seeing as my mom wouldn’t have to see his friend, then it didn’t count in terms of people mixing. Which I can kind of understand.

I have suggested that he doesn’t see his friend, so my mom can be the second household, but he said he is so worried about his friend that he can’t not see him.

At the end of the day - someone is going to have to break a rule somewhere. It’s just deciding who and how.

At the end of the day - someone is going to have to break a rule somewhere. It’s just deciding who and how.

But you dont have to break any rules. Your FIL and his brother should be a single household bubble so they only count as 1 family, your mum would make 2.

If nobody is clinically vulnerable I'd say balls to the stupid rules and just see them all.

If she is sticking to the rules rigidly then that's her right but it might mean her giving up Christmas Day with family this year.

Three households could mean as little as 3 people or as many as even 20 people so it's not really an effective way of keeping contacts low.

Is your mum not in a bubble with someone now?

@lughnasadh

Your mother is making this more of an issue than it need be.

If she's willing to see you after Christmas, she can see you/yur brother over the holiday.

The 'risk' will be pretty much the same, the same people will still have been mixing.

Agree

@AnnnaBananna

People are being very selfish here. Your brother should be putting his own mother ahead of his friend, who quite frankly is merely a friend and thus a lower priority than the woman who gave birth to him! Let the friend find somewhere else to go!

Equally you could leave your husband with the in-laws and go to your mother’s, or your brother could leave his wife with the in-laws and go to his mother’s. That way nobody is alone. You can’t possibly leave your mother alone for Christmas, that’s awful.

Agree would always put my parents above a friend

We both want to spend Christmas with our children
Well your DH will have to choose then: his father or his children. He can’t have both if it means your mother will be left alone. Why do the needs of his father come ahead of the needs of your mother? His father already has someone to spend Christmas with; your mother doesn’t.

I have suggested that he doesn’t see his friend, so my mom can be the second household, but he said he is so worried about his friend that he can’t not see him
So he’s putting his friend ahead of his mother. Absolutely disgusting. If that was my son/brother I’d never speak to him again. At least your mum knows where she stands now: she’s less important than a friend. I hope she’s cut him out of her will. I’m afraid I’d be telling him he has to have a socially distanced chat with his friend in the park and prioritise spending Christmas with the woman who gave him life and raised him.

@Sirzy

Is your mum not in a bubble with someone now?

I did wonder that, surely she should have bubbled with someone months ago to help prevent her being left alone.

I think you can't let your mum be on her own at Christmas, and 3 households of many people can bubble together. Most of your Christmas bubble are singletons. For the sake of her feeling she's complying with the rules just tell her FIL is in a bubble with his brother and have her come to Christmas. Whether he is or not really isn't important, as long as no one is going to be meeting with 100s of other people you're not taking the piss with the bubbles.

But you dont have to break any rules. Your FIL and his brother should be a single household bubble so they only count as 1 family, your mum would make 2.

Would this still be ok if my FIL’s brother was seeing other people?

Im going to give my FIL a call and try and find exactly what the set-up is with his brother.

If you are all fairly low risk, I would say have Christmas with your mum first - maybe Christmas Eve - so exciting for the kids. That way the risk to her is lowest possible and by extension, to the others you see later in that period. You are breaking the rules but in the most sensible way.

Almost everyone I’ve spoken to thinks the rules are you choose two households each! They don’t seem to realise it’s supposed to be a bubble of households that lasts the whole period!

Definitely fixable if your FiL bubbles with his brother.

Why not ask if fils brother sees many people? If not consider fil and brother one household, even if they are not an official bubble.
Is fils brother going to be alone at Christmas?
Perhaps you could invite him too along with your Mum?
It is hard to think of safer ways to see vulnerable family this year.
I would use the three bubble rule as a guide. For some families it would not be safe to mix for others it could prob be extended, especially with single person households. The government couldn't have ten scenarios so made it 3 bubbles.

Just have her over. The police aren't going to check your addresses.

No one should be alone at Christmas, regardless of the “rules”.

If the brother is seeing another separate household plus your FIL then that’s his bubble. Your household would be unable to join that bubble and you’d be unable to see your FIL.