Christmas Bubble Guilt Trip From Elderly Mum

[SunburstsOrMarbleHalls]

I have seen my mum and dad throughout lockdown as I clean for them once per week, I also go and change their bedding and do any other ad hoc stuff to help them out that they struggle with. This comes under caring duties. I maintain social distance and have not been kissing them good bye or anything like that since March.

Mum is 87 relatively healthy apart from osteoarthritis & osteoporosis and Dad is late 70's with multiple heath issues, they seem oblivious to the fact that they are in a very vulnerable group with regards to Covid. They have carried on as usual and will not be stopped from going the supermarket even though I tried to online shop for them. One week I did the online shop and even went out to the supermarket myself to replace missing items from their delivery. When I dropped them off I found out that they had already nipped to some other shops as they were bored. It is a worry but I can't physically stop them from going out.

My partner has been in hospital for over a month now (not Covid related) he is still not home but hopefully will be in the next week or so obviously he has had no visitors so is feeling quite isolated.

Yesterday when details were released of the Christmas arrangements my mum automatically assumed that she and dad would come for Christmas dinner like they have done for 25 years and was very upset when I said we may be making other plans over the festive period to ensure me and my partner both got to see our children.

I will make her and dad Christmas dinner, plate it up and take to their house so both get to enjoy have a hassle free festive dinner (she only lives 15 doors away)

Our plan is:

Existing support bubbles will count as one household - This is my single DD 24 she was living with us temporarily after the breakdown of her relationship up until 3 weeks ago. She has just moved to a flat 3 hours away in an area she is unfamiliar with, she lives alone and is currently working from home so is quite isolated. We have kept this bubble in place as she has moved in with just one suitcase and all her possessions remain up here.

Students are considered to be part of the household to which they have returned for Christmas - This is my DS 18 who is in his first term of university.

So far that means that me and DP, DD & DS are classed as one household under these temporary rules.

DP's DD 20 lives a few hours away and desperately wants to visit us on the 27th as she has been so worried about her dad in hospital, she is working a night shift Christmas Day so this is the earliest date she can get to us. We very much want her to visit.

DP's DS 25 lives with his girlfriend locally but we haven't seen him properly for a while as we live in a tier 3 region. He has been an absolute star while his dad has been in hospital, taking supplies to the hospital (which is not local, it is a specialist unit 30 miles away) I don't drive so this has been a huge support. Obviously he wants to see his dad and we really want to see him and his girlfriend over the festive period too. It would hopefully be on the same day as his sister the 27th so we could have a family meal together.

That would be our planned 3 household Christmas bubble.

DM thinks we are being unreasonable and as we wont be seeing DP's DC on Christmas day itself we should still allow her and my dad to come for dinner. I have explained that the festive 3 household bubble is fixed and should not be changed or extended. She said it is awful and this might be her last Christmas etc. I have tried to explain that DP's DC really need to see their dad especially as he has been so poorly.

As I mentioned before I will be cooking them a dinner but they will have to have it in their house so I will actually see her briefly on Christmas Day to drop it off and me and DC's will take their presents earlier in the morning for an outside door step drop off so she will get to see her grandchildren for 10 mins too from outside. I understand it's rubbish but at least it is something rather than nothing at all.

Wondering what to do for the best, I don't want to break the rules and I think my mum is being selfish putting a guilt trip on me but I suppose at 87 it could quite well be her last Christmas.

What you plan to do sounds fine. As they are both do close maybe you could exchange presents at the door to say hi but you are right to stick to the rules

You have an unwell partner so you are fine to stick to your plans. These Christmas covid-sharing bubbles are risky, and not everyone has to take the risk.

That was a bit of an essay sorry

Well to be fairly flippant, she's not that bothered about it being her last Christmas of they're regularly popping out because they're bored. I get that lockdown is horrible for a lot of people and they miss the social contact, but you've been going round there once a week, and from what you've written about what you do, it's not a 10 minute visit and it's to make their lives easier.

You sound like you have a lovely blended family and this year due to DP's illness, you have different priorities which, because of Covid, mean you can't do what you understandably want to do and have them over. You'll be going there on Christmas Day, probably twice, you'll see then at other times that week, it's only one day.

Do they generally expect you to be at their beck and call?

It’s difficult, I can well imagine that with you, your partner and all the dc’s getting to spend time together your parents feel very left out. However you do a lot for them. Have you no siblings they could go to?

I think you count as their carer?

If so then that is another issue.
If you go to their house all the time and are planning on dropping off dinner on Christmas day, I can't see that it will actually make any difference.

To be honest, I think you're being a bit unfair on your parents. The odds of it being their last Christmas at their age is very high. Them going out to the shops is a risk they're prepared to make to their health, because the alternative would be for them to be isolated.
You want to see your children, but your parents want to see their children - ie you, and their grandchildren.
I’d be telling them to stay at home from now up until Christmas and have them over with the others on the day.

@steppemum

I think you count as their carer?

If so then that is another issue.
If you go to their house all the time and are planning on dropping off dinner on Christmas day, I can't see that it will actually make any difference.

Totally agree!

I'd be thinking along the lines of
How much will it be increasing your over all risk if you see your parents christmas day? (The risk that your parents pose to you)

How much more at risk will they be from you on Christmas Day vs the times you are going to provide care?

Good point about me being there carer so it might not make any difference. I hadn't thought of it that way. Unfortunately they wont stay at home between now and Christmas, they won't even stay in for longer than a few days and as soon as betting shops reopen (looking likely in tier 3 after lockdown) my dad will restart his weekly visits there too.

I suppose my worry is not just about reducing my parents risk of catching Covid but that of my partner also. He is moderately at risk of complications, he has to get the flu jab every year on the NHS because when he catches any kind of viral infection it can trigger a reoccurring heart condition (this is not what he is in hospital for presently)

I'm an only child so they have no other family to spend Christmas with.

Another thing to bear in mind is that DSS and DSD won't be able to see anyone else on Christmas Day/ Boxing Day etc as the bubbles have to be exclusive for the whole time.

If you are not seeing your DP's kids until after xmas day i would see your parents, unless the rest of your family doesnt want too. The whole bubble of 3 is a bit of a joke if im being honest, as its basically relying on everyone in that bubble to ensure they will only see you for those 5 days and no one else.

For example, Your DP's kids will only see you / their Dad and no one else on 27......That would also be there bubble of 3. What about their mum......if they dont live with her and see her thats another house in the bubble of 3.....that makes 4, 5 if you add your parents, but if you are their carer i believe you are already 1 household. Also, your DP's DS and his GF......are they not seeing her family at all over xmas? If they are, then thats potentially another 2 or 3 families added to the bubble.

What i am saying is this bubble of 3 thing is never going to work because it relies on everyone in that bubble being exclusive to that bubble and NOT seeing anyone else close to them......is that really likely to happen.

If you are seeing them weekly anyway then I struggle to see what difference it will make?

I would be more worried about having family coming from all over the country to be honest!

I'd prioritise your parents if I were you. Especially if they have no other help and you are their main carer. Jeez if I lived 15 doors up from my daughter I'd think I'd be in her little bubble and therefore having Xmas dinner with her. I understand your dilemma but think you should prioritise your elderly parents

DS will be tested at university before his return home.
DD lives alone and works from home and is only getting online deliveries so is not in direct contact with any other people presently.
DP's DD has already had Covid but is tested regularly in her job. She will be tested on Christmas day so should hopefully have her results before coming to us on 27th.
DP's DS is tested frequently in his job but I'm not sure when he will have his last Covid test before the 27th, his girlfriend is currently furloughed so is not working presently. They probably would be classed as the highest risk if they visited.

I agree if you're already doing all this at their house then Christmas day won't make much difference.

If you're concerned about the risk to your OH then you could tell your parents that they can come if they do not go to any shops for 10?14? days before Christmas.

I think maybe I'm over thinking this and worried about keeping everyone safe.

I think with my partner being so ill in hospital for over a month as well as Covid it has caused a bit of a dilemma.

DP really wants to see his children after being poorly and the Christmas bubble option has created this possibility that we thought was not an option due to being in tier 3. My parents really want to come for Christmas dinner for a few hours on Christmas day and as they are elderly and I am their only child I want to keep them happy too.

I think you have to be firm with your parents and say that as your partner is vulnerable and they are going out and about, the two are incompatible. If your partner has been in hospital for a month he has obviously been quite poorly.

Everyone has to make their own risk assessment, yours (rightly IMO) differs from theirs. My view might be different if they undertook (and you could trust them) to self isolate for 14 days before Christmas.

I'd be seeing them on Christmas Day if it were me, OP.

@FourPlatinumRings

I'd be seeing them on Christmas Day if it were me, OP.

Actually, if your partner is at risk and they won't self isolate beforehand, I think I'd probably abide by your current plan. If it means that much to them they'll stop going to the shops.

This is one case where I really can’t see anyone holding it against you if you’re parents came on Xmas day followed by your own children.

My rationale would be:
You see your parents on a regular basis anyway as their career, so already exposed to eachother.

Your parents (despite their gallivanting) are no more risk to your DH than your children (given uni and what sounds like high exposure job of his DC).

You are an only child with a lot of responsibility for your elderly parents (by the way, you sound like a wonderful daughter).

You’ve had a tough year and deserve a break!

OMG the spelling in that! Sorry!

And yes as FourPlatinumRings says, the least they can do into the bargain is to isolate for two weeks before.

They’ve got responsibility too.

I think given your partner has been in hospital for 5 weeks his health will need to be prioritised. Your parents could help this be agreeing to isolate for 10 days before Christmas.

It's not like your parents will be alone and you can visit on the doorstep.

I don't think you should be guilted in to anything. You sound like a lovely caring daughter.

I’d be blunt and say if they’re well enough to go shopping then WTF are you doing their housework? I know it’s different levels, but your DP has been ill, meds you and his family and they can manage one Christmas on their own. 25 years in a row you deserve a medal!