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Original poster

Christmas Bubble Guilt Trip From Elderly Mum

55 replies

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 25/11/2020 16:11

I have seen my mum and dad throughout lockdown as I clean for them once per week, I also go and change their bedding and do any other ad hoc stuff to help them out that they struggle with. This comes under caring duties. I maintain social distance and have not been kissing them good bye or anything like that since March.

Mum is 87 relatively healthy apart from osteoarthritis & osteoporosis and Dad is late 70's with multiple heath issues, they seem oblivious to the fact that they are in a very vulnerable group with regards to Covid. They have carried on as usual and will not be stopped from going the supermarket even though I tried to online shop for them. One week I did the online shop and even went out to the supermarket myself to replace missing items from their delivery. When I dropped them off I found out that they had already nipped to some other shops as they were bored. It is a worry but I can't physically stop them from going out.

My partner has been in hospital for over a month now (not Covid related) he is still not home but hopefully will be in the next week or so obviously he has had no visitors so is feeling quite isolated.

Yesterday when details were released of the Christmas arrangements my mum automatically assumed that she and dad would come for Christmas dinner like they have done for 25 years and was very upset when I said we may be making other plans over the festive period to ensure me and my partner both got to see our children.

I will make her and dad Christmas dinner, plate it up and take to their house so both get to enjoy have a hassle free festive dinner (she only lives 15 doors away)

Our plan is:

Existing support bubbles will count as one household - This is my single DD 24 she was living with us temporarily after the breakdown of her relationship up until 3 weeks ago. She has just moved to a flat 3 hours away in an area she is unfamiliar with, she lives alone and is currently working from home so is quite isolated. We have kept this bubble in place as she has moved in with just one suitcase and all her possessions remain up here.

Students are considered to be part of the household to which they have returned for Christmas - This is my DS 18 who is in his first term of university.

So far that means that me and DP, DD & DS are classed as one household under these temporary rules.

DP's DD 20 lives a few hours away and desperately wants to visit us on the 27th as she has been so worried about her dad in hospital, she is working a night shift Christmas Day so this is the earliest date she can get to us. We very much want her to visit.

DP's DS 25 lives with his girlfriend locally but we haven't seen him properly for a while as we live in a tier 3 region. He has been an absolute star while his dad has been in hospital, taking supplies to the hospital (which is not local, it is a specialist unit 30 miles away) I don't drive so this has been a huge support. Obviously he wants to see his dad and we really want to see him and his girlfriend over the festive period too. It would hopefully be on the same day as his sister the 27th so we could have a family meal together.

That would be our planned 3 household Christmas bubble.

DM thinks we are being unreasonable and as we wont be seeing DP's DC on Christmas day itself we should still allow her and my dad to come for dinner. I have explained that the festive 3 household bubble is fixed and should not be changed or extended. She said it is awful and this might be her last Christmas etc. I have tried to explain that DP's DC really need to see their dad especially as he has been so poorly.

As I mentioned before I will be cooking them a dinner but they will have to have it in their house so I will actually see her briefly on Christmas Day to drop it off and me and DC's will take their presents earlier in the morning for an outside door step drop off so she will get to see her grandchildren for 10 mins too from outside. I understand it's rubbish but at least it is something rather than nothing at all.

Wondering what to do for the best, I don't want to break the rules and I think my mum is being selfish putting a guilt trip on me but I suppose at 87 it could quite well be her last Christmas.

OP posts:
SunShinesStill · 25/11/2020 18:48

I would tell them with DP coming him they need to isolate if you are to continue their care or they can pay for a carer like anyone else.
Absolutely they need to isolate pre Christmas if you’re going to get together

Cecillie · 25/11/2020 18:54

I would ask them to isolate for ten days beforehand, to protect dp and if they agree then allow them to come Xmas day. Puts the onus on them, they can choose how much they want to come, and pretty much zero risk to anyone.
My mum died last month having had a shite last yet of life due to COVID, no way would she not have had Xmas dinner with us , bubble or no bubble.

Lumene · 25/11/2020 18:58

Existing support bubbles will count as one household

Official guidance is that the support bubble counts as as two households not one I think.

halcyondays · 25/11/2020 19:00

I don’t yabu, they have each other for company. And they will stay see you on the day and get a dinner made for them. If they are fit enough to traipse round the shops you could also meet up for a short walk maybe?

Lumene · 25/11/2020 19:01

However could you and your DP decide to form different support bubbles allowing him to visit his child and you to visit your parents? Not sure but worth checking out that part of the guidance.

katy1213 · 25/11/2020 19:03

I couldn't treat my 87-year-old mother like that. To hell with bloody rules for one day. Your parents are minimal risk to anyone else and the younger ones, who possibly are, aren't even coming for Christmas Day.

Freddiefox · 25/11/2020 19:05

I think it’s fine to have them around on Christmas Day as long as they isolate for 14 days beforehand. It’s then up to them to make the choice the sacrifices can’t will be made by you. They have to take some responsibility too.

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/11/2020 19:08

My main worry would be your DP contracting COVID at the hospital and bringing it home.

Does he need to isolate some what in his return?

I’d would ask that he’s tested 24 hours before leaving.

But it’s your bubble and your choice

passthetequila · 25/11/2020 19:17

The way I have read the regulations is that if you have an existing support bubble for caring purposes then that counts as one household towards the Christmas rule of three. Willing to be corrected on that though.

Floralnomad · 25/11/2020 19:25

I would just have them over Christmas Day . We are sticking to the rules as much as possible but quite honestly the whole thing is a bit ridiculous . How are you honestly going to police who your partners children mingle with over the same period , yet you are going to take their word for it that you are their bubble .

Lumene · 25/11/2020 19:38

Actually I think you are right @passthetequila

woodlandwalker · 25/11/2020 21:52

I think you should have your parents over on Christmas Day but ask them to stay in for 14 days beforehand to protect your DP.

Original poster
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 25/11/2020 22:21

Thanks for the replies.

General consensus seems to be that I should ask parents to isolate 10 - 14 days before Christmas day so that it significantly mitigates risk to my partner (and to them too as shops will probably be significantly busier!). I will make it clear if they don't wish to isolate then I will plate their Christmas dinner up and deliver it to them but if they are willing to isolate then they can come for dinner.

DP has been tested numerous times during his hospital stay but will not be tested before discharge. For safety it may be better for him to self isolate for 10 - 14 days when he returns home. He has lost over a stone in weight and a lot of muscle mass due to rapid weight loss and lack of mobility so he will probably be too tired to go out for a while anyway.

When venturing between mine and parents house to clean I usually jump in the shower and change clothes when I get back home as I wear my scruffs and after cleaning house am usually hot and bothered so will continue to do this.

OP posts:
StatisticalSense · 26/11/2020 00:24

To be honest I think you are taking the piss but it's nothing to do with your parents. The rules are about the absolute maximum people should be doing and people should not be pushing them to the absolute extreme in the way that you are planning on. You really need to amend your plans to meet some of the younger family members outdoors and at a social distance in order to reduce the level of risk.

camsie · 26/11/2020 04:56

I would definitely see then on Xmas day and can understand why your mum is upset.

BefuddledPerson · 26/11/2020 06:20

There's going to be a rather sad spike in deaths after Christmas, so I guess each person has to factor that in. I really don't want my family to be in that group, just for the sake of Christmas dinner.

XiCi · 26/11/2020 06:43

I wouldnt even consider for a second not having my elderly parents for dinner in your circumstances. You are in their house every day anyway so what difference would them being in yours for dinner make? I'm not surprised your mum is upset.
If you were tier 3 before lockdown arent you in a rapid testing area? Might put you mind at rest if you all had a test first. We can get them any time here, results in 15 mins

Lemons1571 · 26/11/2020 08:25

@passthetequila

The way I have read the regulations is that if you have an existing support bubble for caring purposes then that counts as one household towards the Christmas rule of three. Willing to be corrected on that though.
I thought that was only if one of the households had a single adult (but also willing to be corrected)
Original poster
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 26/11/2020 09:23

StatisticalSense - I really don't want to take "the piss" as you put it.

DS is a uni student so he will be home in a couple of weeks.

DD moved out 3 weeks ago and has had no contact with anyone else and is living alone and working remotely in a strange area, all her belongings are here. She would rather of remained here but her office that closed in March may partially reopen in the New Year so she had to find accommodation closer to work in preparation for that. She did not actually plan on moving out and took one small suitcase and went to collect the keys for her flat and sign the rental contract. She needed to sort out utilities and council tax which she thought would only take a couple of days then was going to return here. Unfortunately the national lockdown happened and has meant she couldn't get her internet installed (3 cancelled appointments so far but understandable given the circumstances so she has been hot spotting off her mobile phone temporarily). As she has been there for several weeks now she has technically moved out.

DP's DC are desperate to see their dad in person after his illness and he wants to see them, it would be difficult for them to meet outside as like I said in my previous post he has been ill for a long time and has reduced mobility so going for a walk would not be an option, he also currently has continence issues which would make meeting outside difficult.

I know that it is about reducing contact as much as possible and am trying to think of any option to reduce risk but keep everyone happy. I know realise that is impossible.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/11/2020 09:32

I would definitely see then on Xmas day and can understand why your mum is upset

I couldn't treat my 87-year-old mother like that. To hell with bloody rules for one day

I agree. You are bringing in people from all over the country, but you can't set two places for your aged parents who live 15 doors away? Because they've been in the supermarket? When you have one home from hospital, one home from uni, several out working? You want your parents to eat their Christmas meal alone, knowing the rest of you are living it up 50m away?

Notonthestairs · 26/11/2020 09:49

The Op cleans for her parents. She does odd jobs for them. She visits regularly. She is by any measure a good daughter.

She is not bringing in "people" - her partner wants to see his kids after 5 weeks in hospital.

If the OP's parents were being kind they'd recognise that she is stuck between a rock and a hard place juggling the needs of an unwell partner and themselves.

They could offer to isolate in advance of visiting.

Or they could just say you've got a lot on your plate, thanks for the offer of dinner, we'll see you on the doorstep.

PurpleMustang · 26/11/2020 10:46

Sorry but she can't harp on about it being their last Christmas if they are going out and about all the time. You need to also think of this from another angle, they could come to yours and infect your household. While you now go round and help and keep your distance this is as much as you can do in the situation. But they are constantly going out and could catch it. You need to put your partner and all the kids first as they haven't been able to see each other properly. At least you have been visiting them. She is being selfish

Nicknacky · 26/11/2020 10:56

PurpleMustang Just read again what you have just written and have a word with yourself. An elderly lady goes to the shops. That’s all and you call her selfish?! She’s 87, I don’t blame her for not wanting to be cooped up.

Honestly, the threads on here over the next few weeks are going to be mental.

PurpleMustang · 26/11/2020 14:49

@Nickynack no i think she is selfish. Her daughter is going around regularly to help out. Offered to do shopping but the mum and dad keep going out. That's fine and their choice. But then it is also the daughters choice to not bring the risk they bring into her home, with her partner that has been in hospital for a month and would obviously be need to recuperate and likely suffer worse if he did get the virus. And what if they gave it to the daughter, who would then be ill with parents expecting help and a husband still recovering. So yep she is being selfish for the sake of one roast dinner

PurpleMustang · 26/11/2020 14:55

I am sorry OP but I can't understand elderly people that want and expect everything their own way with no compromise. The compromise would be as others suggested that everyone quarantines beforehand as much as is possible. Would she want to? Would you trust her to? If Christmas is that important to them, your parents would jump at the chance. The onus should be on how much they want to, not you say no because you can't trust them. They should be wanting to protect not only themselves but your household too, as you do