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Covid

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Original poster

are we being cruel to the in laws?

63 replies

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 13:23

DH and I have a 6 month old and take covid very seriously (actually listen to the news, have a science background etc). We love my in laws and they're very sweet, but we think we've really upset them this weekend.

They've come to visit a number of times and during summer we let them hold the baby, sing to him and look after him a lot. This made their year as he is their only grandchild and DH their only child. They live quite far from us and miss out on a lot apart from when they come up. He was born around lockdown so very upsetting for all. Apart from them we only let my parents hold him as they live closer by. They are very cautious and do very little besides their gardening and walks together and seeing us. Dh and I do see friends including nct friends but always outside and distanced.

Recently the in laws have started really relaxing what they do. FIL is quite active and has returned to playing sport (without a mask, indoors, with people who we know don't agree with the restrictions). MIL has started going to cafes and lunches with her friends. Every now and then they drop in what that have been doing and we've started to find it stressful as we have to constantly go back and forth over what and what isn't distanced. They also live in an area which I can imagine will go to Tier 2 if you look at their numbers compared to ours.

So we said when they next come down we'd rather meet outside and distance. Mil not happy! We said we understand it's hard for them being far away and they need to keep themselves busy, so to make it easier they should do what they want and we can just distance when we meet. It's also my parents that we are thinking of protecting.

Are we cruel? We find this so stressful and every week we have to say 'yes' and 'no' to what we're comfortable with so thought this would be easier for the time being.

OP posts:

hopsalong · 13/10/2020 13:37

How old are they, and what's their health like? And what about your own parents, and how often do you see them? I assume that the reason you and DH only see people outside is because you're worried about them?

I assume (because you don't mention it) that you and DH are at low risk if you contract covid. Your in-laws are presumably older -- 50s/60s/70s...? So unless your own parents are relatively old and/or with other conditions, the risk of these meetings is almost entirely to your in-laws, not to you. In that case, can't you let them be the judge? And if they live pretty far away, you could surely see them occasionally for a full day and then, if trying to manage the risk to your own parents, not see THEM for two weeks? As an only child, I know how important the grandparent/ grandchild relationship can be in a small family. My own in-laws went from having 0 grandchildren (our was the first) to 6 in 3 years. They love our son, but there's not the same intimacy that there was with my parents (both sadly dead now).

Jrobhatch29 · 13/10/2020 13:42

I have a nearly 6 month old and have let both sets of grandparents hold my daughter. They're all back at work now themselves (late 50s) and we all feel the risk is worth taking. I think your in laws ventures out seem really low risk compared to ours who are working. I don't let anyone else hold her mind, but I do take her to baby classes. Having said that I'm NE so can't mix but we lost my nanna suddenly last week and my DD has been keeping my parents smiling this weekend.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/10/2020 13:57

Yanbu. Its complacency like you describe that has partially left us in this mess.

Cases are rife where I am and I know personally a healthy 29 year old who died. Its simply not worth the risk.

Redolent · 13/10/2020 14:03

You’re not being unreasonable. You may as well be letting your MiL’s coffee friends and all your FiL’s sports buddies hold the baby - that’s the way your ‘bubble’ will now look.

Of course be empathetic but hold firm.

Quarantino · 13/10/2020 14:03

It's really hard and takes a great deal of mental energy trying to anticipate possible "chains of transmission" with family members. For that reason it's just easier to distance imo, to reduce everyone's risk.

Be clear about your expectations though - and perhaps remind them that you wouldn't have any childcare etc if one or both of you contracted covid to the extent that you couldn't live life as normal for weeks at a time, so best to reduce risk as much as possible.
If they are not happy with it maybe just put off future visits by saying you may have symptoms/ have other plans etc.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 13/10/2020 14:06

I agree with you OP and no, you are not being cruel. If your in-laws are seeing others they could then pick up the virus from friends, asymptomatically transmit it to you who then transmits it to your parents. I would protect my parents and only see in-laws outside if they are going to continue to see others.

Redolent · 13/10/2020 14:06

To add to this: you could ask them to cut out their indoor mixing for say, ten days before seeing you. And then you could meet indoors as usual.

Dillo10 · 13/10/2020 14:09

@hopsalong the risk is not "only" to their in-laws... there is no guarantee that somebody young, fit and healthy will not have long-term complications having caught covid. I do understand statistically they are less likely to die but it doesn't mean they are entirely not at risk.

singme · 13/10/2020 14:20

It’s really hard isn’t it. I also have a six month old but it’s my parents who live further away and who also have been almost shielding (vulnerable grandparent). My in laws live close by and both work and they see other grandkids who are at school etc. I still like to see in laws as much as possible and they have been holding DD. But then when we are due to see my parents I always try and limit other social contact. As it happens we are only able to meet outside in our area now so kind of solves the problem. But I want both sets of grandparents to hold and play with my DD, and as long as they are following their local rules and being sensible I am not stopping them doing so.

Suzi888 · 13/10/2020 14:23

I don’t think so no. They need to choose between their social lives and seeing you, just for now until covid has disappeared! Or carry on socialising but only see you outside.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/10/2020 14:24

It's such a shame but yanbu, you are trying to be safe. If they can't see why outside at a distance is your preferred way of seeing them, they will have to miss out altogether.

grey12 · 13/10/2020 14:29

Ask them to wear a mask and wash up before coming near the baby. In some countries people even changed clothes when they arrived home

MJMG2015 · 13/10/2020 14:30

Don't look at it as YOU upsetting them

Look at it (as it is) them choosing their social life over staying with you/holding DD

it's a their choice, but they need to own it.

WineTheBobbin · 13/10/2020 14:31

Could there be a compromise where they isolate before coming to visit so they can hold the baby and you have piece of mind? Would that be do-able if they don't visit that often? But if they're not following social distancing rules there's not much else you can do other than meet outside at a distance.

user43 · 13/10/2020 14:34

I think we all need to do our bit to stop the spread and what you're asking is absolutely fine.

They shouldn't be holding the baby regardless, so lucky they were in the first place.

DontBeShelfish · 13/10/2020 14:36

@MJMG2015

Don't look at it as YOU upsetting them

Look at it (as it is) them choosing their social life over staying with you/holding DD

it's a their choice, but they need to own it.

Agree with that completely. And as another PP has said, the risk isn't just about death to elderly/vulnerable, it's the potential long term implications for hitherto healthy, younger people who catch it. You and your partner might catch it, and who would look after your DC?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/10/2020 14:39

Their choice is how I would look at it, if they prefer a social life then they can’t complain. If you move to tier 2 or they do, they won’t be able to do anything bar meet in the outdoors anyway.

ChalkDinosaur · 13/10/2020 14:42

Yanbu. You get to decide what you're comfortable with (as do they, but obviously you have to go with the most cautious person).

SarahMused · 13/10/2020 14:45

Are you not going out to work and for other things like shopping? Surely that brings more risk than a very occasional visitor? Leaving that aside, if you are all well when they visit the risk is very low and for babies, luckily, even if they are infected they aren‘t likely to be ill.
We must have a very different attitude to risk to you. I have looked after our now nearly one year old grandson throughout so that my son and DIL who are both keyworkers can work. He comes to us three days a week and to nursery two. We also have our hospital Dr daughter living with us. I think our lives are more typical than yours.
Incidentally our daughter has recently had covid and according to the tests didn‘t pass it on to either of us despite living in the same house and making no attempt to social distance. I would stop worrying and get on with your lives.

Original poster

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:01

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yanbu. Its complacency like you describe that has partially left us in this mess.

Cases are rife where I am and I know personally a healthy 29 year old who died. Its simply not worth the risk.

This is what I feel like. And there are already comments on here about how I should only be doing it for my own parents' health. I am doing it for their health. But I also dont want to catch it and feel like crap when we have a baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:04

@SarahMused

Are you not going out to work and for other things like shopping? Surely that brings more risk than a very occasional visitor? Leaving that aside, if you are all well when they visit the risk is very low and for babies, luckily, even if they are infected they aren‘t likely to be ill. We must have a very different attitude to risk to you. I have looked after our now nearly one year old grandson throughout so that my son and DIL who are both keyworkers can work. He comes to us three days a week and to nursery two. We also have our hospital Dr daughter living with us. I think our lives are more typical than yours. Incidentally our daughter has recently had covid and according to the tests didn‘t pass it on to either of us despite living in the same house and making no attempt to social distance. I would stop worrying and get on with your lives.

Nope. Between us we are all working from home permanently or not working!

It's the many little things that don't involve distancing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:08

@user43

I think we all need to do our bit to stop the spread and what you're asking is absolutely fine.

They shouldn't be holding the baby regardless, so lucky they were in the first place.

I know. We did say that (but nicely). A lot of people haven't been doing that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:09

@WineTheBobbin

This what we were doing initially but they kept breaking it by doing sport and going everywhere! Honestly we've felt really guilty but it's stressing us out. Maybe this will get them to realise.

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 13/10/2020 15:13

From what you've said they've been doing things that are allowed under the guidelines but that you personally don't agree with? It's your baby and your call but no, I personally wouldn't be banning them from holding their grandchild because they went to a café.

RB68 · 13/10/2020 15:14

What you are suggesting is the best course given their lack of social distancing in their locale. They have a choice - if they cut their activities and keep contacts to min for 14 days before visit that could work as well

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