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Original poster

are we being cruel to the in laws?

63 replies

Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 13:23

DH and I have a 6 month old and take covid very seriously (actually listen to the news, have a science background etc). We love my in laws and they're very sweet, but we think we've really upset them this weekend.

They've come to visit a number of times and during summer we let them hold the baby, sing to him and look after him a lot. This made their year as he is their only grandchild and DH their only child. They live quite far from us and miss out on a lot apart from when they come up. He was born around lockdown so very upsetting for all. Apart from them we only let my parents hold him as they live closer by. They are very cautious and do very little besides their gardening and walks together and seeing us. Dh and I do see friends including nct friends but always outside and distanced.

Recently the in laws have started really relaxing what they do. FIL is quite active and has returned to playing sport (without a mask, indoors, with people who we know don't agree with the restrictions). MIL has started going to cafes and lunches with her friends. Every now and then they drop in what that have been doing and we've started to find it stressful as we have to constantly go back and forth over what and what isn't distanced. They also live in an area which I can imagine will go to Tier 2 if you look at their numbers compared to ours.

So we said when they next come down we'd rather meet outside and distance. Mil not happy! We said we understand it's hard for them being far away and they need to keep themselves busy, so to make it easier they should do what they want and we can just distance when we meet. It's also my parents that we are thinking of protecting.

Are we cruel? We find this so stressful and every week we have to say 'yes' and 'no' to what we're comfortable with so thought this would be easier for the time being.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 13/10/2020 15:14

Please don't feel guilty. I'm going nowhere just so I can visit my 2 grandsons (last visit was mid September) - your PIL are being thoughtless and selfish to be going out and about, playing sport and generally socialising as if everything was normal. It isn't. Your priority is to yourself, DH and your baby. Flowers

1forAll74 · 13/10/2020 15:20

Reading on here, makes you realise just how many people are not taking the pandemic seriously, even now the situation has flared up big time again. All the people who are following the rules as best as they can, need to steer clear of all the rule breakers for as long as possible.

Nobody likes a load of rules and regulations, but tough luck on them.
Just imagine what it would be like, if there wasn't any rules, and no government making rules and plans , and giving out all the advice every day.

Original poster
Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:23

Wow, some lovely responses here! Thank you!

I agree that these are really quite serious times.

OP posts:
LunaLula83 · 13/10/2020 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Love51 · 13/10/2020 15:34

Covid is cruel. You are just bringing up your baby in difficult circumstances.

Original poster
Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 15:39

@LunaLula83

Oh fuck off
🤣🤣🤣
OP posts:
DameFanny · 13/10/2020 15:48

@Hardbackwriter

From what you've said they've been doing things that are allowed under the guidelines but that you personally don't agree with? It's your baby and your call but no, I personally wouldn't be banning them from holding their grandchild because they went to a café.
Do you honestly believe the mil has been keeping 2 metres from her friends in the cafe? And that fil has been 2 metres away from the friends he's playing whatever indoor sports with?

You're not supposed to be within 2m of anyone not in your bubble without a face mask on - if you're meeting and eating with someone in a cafe, unless it's a really big table, you're probably breaking the law. I don't understand why people don't get that.

are we being cruel to the in laws?
Mintjulia · 13/10/2020 15:48

You are very sensible. Your child, your rules, so stick to them.

Your in-laws can't be too bothered about their dgc's safety, or yours Sad

doireallyneedaname · 13/10/2020 15:53

Totally reasonable and we are doing the same if and when we see family. My boy is 7 months. Cuddles can wait if it keeps everyone healthy.

yikesanotherbooboo · 13/10/2020 16:01

The risk is chiefly to them so as long as they understand that I would be alright with seeing them with hand washing and distancing as usual

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 13/10/2020 16:10

You are being sensible and definitely not unreasonable.

hopsalong · 13/10/2020 16:18

@Dillo10 That's true, but it's also true that there's no guarantee that I won't get hit by a car if I cross the road, that I won't die of a massive post-partum hemorrhage if I give birth, that I won't get salmonella poisoning if I eat at my favourite restaurant, that I won't die today, etc...

Human health, even life, can never be guaranteed. Almost everything we do comes with a risk, and all normal social interaction puts us at risk of getting an infectious disease.

The question is: how big is the risk? We don't normally think of activities as being 'risky' unless they pose a significant likelihood of long-term illness or death. I don't know enough about the OP or her husband, but assuming they're young healthy people in their 20s or 30s, they are not 'at risk' of Covid in a sense beyond the trivial one (outlined above). Covid-19 is closely related to six other coronaviruses including the far far more lethal SARS and MERS. It's not some incredibly mysterious disease, the like of which humans have never encountered before. Some people who have had it in the spring and summer may still be suffering from post-viral illness. That does not mean that their health has been damaged forever, and they can almost all expect to make a good recovery.

We also need to remember that most people in the UK have had very little access to good medical care unless hospitalised over the last few months. When I had covid it exacerbated my seasonal allergies. Had I not known how to treat these from prior experience (and particularly from a similar exacerbation after pneumonia in my 20s) I would have been ill all summer and would have attributed my illness to covid. As it was, a few heavy weeks of antihistamines and steroid sprays sorted me out.

DameFanny · 13/10/2020 16:22

@hopsalong the OP has said the risk is to her parents, as well as the tiny baby they want to cuddle. It's like having unprotected sex - you could be shagging any one of their previous partners and then passing those diseases along.

June628 · 13/10/2020 16:25

We are distancing from both my parents and DH’s parents. His live far away but when they came to visit stayed in a hotel not at our house and we met outside and socially distanced. If you cared about being fair you should treat both GP the same but that’s of course up to you. MIL shouldn’t be upset with you for following guidelines.

Sodamncold · 13/10/2020 16:26

You are being sensible and doing the right thing.

Sorry if I missed but what are you doing with regard to your own parents?

WantToBeMum · 13/10/2020 16:31

As a previous comment says, you could ask them to do a self-imposed ten day restriction on socialising/indoor sports before they visit you. I am doing this myself before I visit my elderly parents. That way you're not telling them to stop everything completely but you get more peace of mind when they do visit.

DeliciouslyFemale · 13/10/2020 16:34

@Redolent

You’re not being unreasonable. You may as well be letting your MiL’s coffee friends and all your FiL’s sports buddies hold the baby - that’s the way your ‘bubble’ will now look.

Of course be empathetic but hold firm.

This. ^

It’s as if we didn’t loss all those poor souls in the last spread. We’re going to be stuck in lockdown (waiting for it here in (NI) for even longer. I know people are sick to the back teeth of it, but this ignoring the risk is mind blowing.

PimlicoJo · 13/10/2020 16:42

My sister has the opposite problem. She doesn't want to hold her baby granddaughter or hug her grandchildren because she and her DH are more vulnerable if they catch covid (late 60s). She's been told she doesn't need to worry as 'it's family' and that she's being selfish. In the early days they were all very cautious but lots of people seem to have forgotten the risks now. My Dsis is worried as her gc are back at school and mixing.

GardenSanctuary · 13/10/2020 16:49

Stop the world I need to get offSad

OverTheRubicon · 13/10/2020 16:55

@MJMG2015

Don't look at it as YOU upsetting them

Look at it (as it is) them choosing their social life over staying with you/holding DD

it's a their choice, but they need to own it.

This.
Sodamncold · 13/10/2020 16:59

@DameFanny

The OP has also been meeting friends, so presumably same logic applies

Autumngoldleaf · 13/10/2020 17:02

I'm with you redolent.
If he's playing squash or something with lots of expiration, then yes, the baby may as well be held by all his pals and theirs families and all mils coffee buddies too.

Singing is a no no
.
If I was a grandma it would be either or.

Socialise and see baby at a distance or through a window.... Or.. Not socialise and get closer.
I'm afraid we are in a pandemic at the moment, so we can't do both

Redolent · 13/10/2020 17:03

[quote Sodamncold]@DameFanny

The OP has also been meeting friends, so presumably same logic applies[/quote]
OP said that they've been meeting with mitigation:

"Dh and I do see friends including nct friends but always outside and distanced."

Original poster
Elephantspalaces · 13/10/2020 17:04

@GardenSanctuary why?

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 13/10/2020 17:08

Think it's way OTT in my opinion