are we being cruel to the in laws?

[Elephantspalaces]

DH and I have a 6 month old and take covid very seriously (actually listen to the news, have a science background etc). We love my in laws and they're very sweet, but we think we've really upset them this weekend.

They've come to visit a number of times and during summer we let them hold the baby, sing to him and look after him a lot. This made their year as he is their only grandchild and DH their only child. They live quite far from us and miss out on a lot apart from when they come up. He was born around lockdown so very upsetting for all. Apart from them we only let my parents hold him as they live closer by. They are very cautious and do very little besides their gardening and walks together and seeing us. Dh and I do see friends including nct friends but always outside and distanced.

Recently the in laws have started really relaxing what they do. FIL is quite active and has returned to playing sport (without a mask, indoors, with people who we know don't agree with the restrictions). MIL has started going to cafes and lunches with her friends. Every now and then they drop in what that have been doing and we've started to find it stressful as we have to constantly go back and forth over what and what isn't distanced. They also live in an area which I can imagine will go to Tier 2 if you look at their numbers compared to ours.

So we said when they next come down we'd rather meet outside and distance. Mil not happy! We said we understand it's hard for them being far away and they need to keep themselves busy, so to make it easier they should do what they want and we can just distance when we meet. It's also my parents that we are thinking of protecting.

Are we cruel? We find this so stressful and every week we have to say 'yes' and 'no' to what we're comfortable with so thought this would be easier for the time being.

You are not being cruel, they are prioritising their social life over the risk of making you, your baby and your parents ill. We all decide what risks we want to take but they are seeking to impose the risks they have taken on you.

Should any of you need a bed, whether for covid or something else, they are reducing the chance of one being available. If your baby needs health care paediatrics is one of the specialties where staff are being redeployed to covid wards.

I just can’t believe that what with meeting friends and NCT friends (some of whom with crawling babies?) the OP and her husband won’t be having more interaction than conveyed here

@Damefanny
What's the risk to the (tiny, cuddlable, but not vulnerable to covid) baby? Are we missing some key piece of information?

I appreciate that the OP wants to see her own parents: that's why I think the fair thing would be to see the in-laws in a normal (perfectly legal) way occasionally, and then avoid contact with the OP's own parents for a couple to weeks afterwards. I say this as an only child, who was also the child of an only child, and someone who is therefore aware of the (both good and bad) aspects of that very intense relationship. Now that both of my parents are dead (I'm 41) I have essentially no family. I can see why the OP would rather see her own parents, but I think it's sad and dangerous to use covid as an excuse not to see the other set of grandparents when no real reason presents itself. If you asked Chris Whitty, what would he say? There's no medical or social reason in the OP's description of the situation that means she and her husband need to avoid his parents.

But perhaps we lack key information.

@GardenSanctuary

Stop the world I need to get off

Yes, quite a lot of people in fact are finding that this global pandemic is actually quite a bad thing. And is affecting them negatively in lots of ways and wish it would end immediately.

You sound lovely, it’s a bloody awful time for everyone. I wouldn’t be upset if you were my DIL, and you certainly haven’t been cruel.

Our first GC was born on Mother’s Day, we live 10 mins away. DH in shielding category so we’ve only seen her 5 or 6 times - me 2 holds for a couple of mins max- DH only time 4 weeks ago. I asked first time and it was ok, last time Ds gave her to me - I could see DIL looked unhappy so asked if she was ok with it. She said yes, but I don’t think she was so gave her back. I am happy with that.

People need to respect others boundaries, (and guidance). Ultimately you are the parents, so what you say goes.

@WwMILd I'm fuming your not my MIL!

I think you should tell them what you told us- that you think they're very sweet, but that you have science backgrounds and actually listen to the news. That's a good way to start, really sets the tone.

Of course yanbu, but you sound so pious I really wanted to find a way to tell you that you were.

[quote hopsalong]@Damefanny
What's the risk to the (tiny, cuddlable, but not vulnerable to covid) baby? Are we missing some key piece of information?

I appreciate that the OP wants to see her own parents: that's why I think the fair thing would be to see the in-laws in a normal (perfectly legal) way occasionally, and then avoid contact with the OP's own parents for a couple to weeks afterwards. I say this as an only child, who was also the child of an only child, and someone who is therefore aware of the (both good and bad) aspects of that very intense relationship. Now that both of my parents are dead (I'm 41) I have essentially no family. I can see why the OP would rather see her own parents, but I think it's sad and dangerous to use covid as an excuse not to see the other set of grandparents when no real reason presents itself. If you asked Chris Whitty, what would he say? There's no medical or social reason in the OP's description of the situation that means she and her husband need to avoid his parents.

But perhaps we lack key information. [/quote]
Well, we know SAGE advised a ban on al household mixing three weeks ago. And at that point Chris Whitty also said:

“We have to break unnecessary links between households because that is the way in which this virus is transmitted."

www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/new-curbs-measures-coronavirus-second-wave-tomorrow-a4552321.html

So, that means avoid creating a link between the MIL’s friends and OP, for instance. Or going further, the busy pub that FIL’s friends frequent, and OP.

We all need to be minimising direct social contact. The safest way to do that is to leave two weeks (minimum 10 days) between indoor mixing with different households.

@unmarkedbythat

I think you should tell them what you told us- that you think they're very sweet, but that you have science backgrounds and actually listen to the news. That's a good way to start, really sets the tone.

Of course yanbu, but you sound so pious I really wanted to find a way to tell you that you were.

Ok had a bad day?

[quote hopsalong]@Damefanny
What's the risk to the (tiny, cuddlable, but not vulnerable to covid) baby? Are we missing some key piece of information?

I appreciate that the OP wants to see her own parents: that's why I think the fair thing would be to see the in-laws in a normal (perfectly legal) way occasionally, and then avoid contact with the OP's own parents for a couple to weeks afterwards. I say this as an only child, who was also the child of an only child, and someone who is therefore aware of the (both good and bad) aspects of that very intense relationship. Now that both of my parents are dead (I'm 41) I have essentially no family. I can see why the OP would rather see her own parents, but I think it's sad and dangerous to use covid as an excuse not to see the other set of grandparents when no real reason presents itself. If you asked Chris Whitty, what would he say? There's no medical or social reason in the OP's description of the situation that means she and her husband need to avoid his parents.

But perhaps we lack key information. [/quote]
I'm clearly not one of the cool 'i assess my own risks and live my life to the full' crowd but I really wouldn't want a baby's first infection to be a novel coronavirus, given how horrible ordinary colds can be in the first year.

And why should they deprive her parents of company so that his parents can continue being selfish?

You do what you think is best for you. If they don’t like it then tough

I think they'll lie about how they haven't been anywhere. And whilst sat cuddling dc they'll say how john was funny when they met for lunch...

I don't think you are being cruel at all. You need to protect your parents as they aren't taking risks. It isn't fair of your in-laws to expect you to take on their risk.