Is it worth it UC?

[Schoolsout2]

Hi all for the last few years me and my ex have been co parenting my DS who is now 5. Things are not perfect but he does take him twice a week 6pm on an evening so I can go to work (sleeps overnight). Then he will drop him to school on a morning and then I will pick DS up after school and go and do my night shift again. My ex also has his Son once a month for the full weekend. He pays for his Son through CMS.

Here’s the problem when we were together me and my child’s dad he didn’t pull his weight and the relationship changed drastically after giving birth almost instantly. He did not move in with me (major red flag I know now), when I was on MAT leave he said it was my responsibility as I was the parent at home and it was my job role. He said he was paying my taxes so I could stay at home (not true I worked and still do that job role till this day). Fast forward I moved from my flat into a bigger house and my ex moved in with us. I returned back to work when my Ds was 13months old.... finicial abuse had started and he didn’t want to pay his way other than £200.00 a month. To cut a long story short I split up with him but feared that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my current job.

Today we have had a massive bust up and I’m at my wits end that he thinks he can dictate to me because he helps out with childcare so I can do my job. This is an ongoing problem and I am seriously considering giving my job up telling him to F**k right off and go on UC.

Single mums tell me is it doable???

Also re your career/fulfilling job and perhaps possible progression. I think you are very wise to value that and look at the long term picture. And things generally get easier to manage as children get older so worth weathering the tough part. But if your job is always realistically going to be shift work you are going to be dependent on childcare for much longer than you would otherwise.

@tiedinknots his dad doesn’t want any other days but “his days” and 1 weekend a month.

That won’t help with in a new job role will it? It will just mean I have to pay it out in childcare.

@tiedinknots

Also re your career/fulfilling job and perhaps possible progression. I think you are very wise to value that and look at the long term picture. And things generally get easier to manage as children get older so worth weathering the tough part. But if your job is always realistically going to be shift work you are going to be dependent on childcare for much longer than you would otherwise.

Let’s be honest though you have a point. None of this is great. Would you give up your career (the last 9 years) to work in xxx (I don’t want to upset anyone) sorry. My hourly rate will most be probably be halved! NHS I get good annual leave, Good sick pay.

Once I leave my field that it be it for me working a menial job for the rest of my life.
I don’t even know what sort of 9-5 job I would look for for a start.

I was thinking breakfast club and after school clubs and lots of childminders do school pickups. So much more availability and less for DS to cope with that bedtime childcare. In 5-6 years you wouldn't need any childcare if working 9-5. Maybe more a long term thought re job change. And universal credit is quite good alongside full time work.

I want thinking of DCs dad as childcare, I was just feeling sorry for DS for such a big change from overnights with dad every week to a babysitter. Quite a huge change. But sorry, you weren't really asking for opinions re that.

Be aware that you will be making yourself voluntarily unemployed so there's a waiting period for benefits. You will be expected to look for work immediately that's school hours/part time/full time and will potentially get help with childcare but not overnights. I would suggest speaking to someone at job centre plus for advice, they aren't all ogres- my friends job until his retirement was to get people just like you into work and help sort the barriers eg childcare (I've seen his thank you card collection, it really can work)

Sorry lots of cross posting.... I am earning much less as I am lucky to have found a very local public sector role where I can compress some hours and do school pick ups some days, longer days others. Long ago I earned much more than this! So I get it. Currently thinking about how to move to a better paid role and there are some options but not great.

No matter what you do I wouldn't leave a public sector job. Sounds like you have made it work for now, but if things don't work out, I would push for another role, any role if it came to it.

Once I leave my field that it be it for me working a menial job for the rest of my life.

Gosh, are you always so dramatic? You said you earn £16/h. I earn that in a big standard admin role (North West). Not sure what you are doing now and it cannot be that glamorous given your current wage.

I think you need to decided what you want but you want the moon on a stick it seems.

@tiedinknots

I was thinking breakfast club and after school clubs and lots of childminders do school pickups. So much more availability and less for DS to cope with that bedtime childcare. In 5-6 years you wouldn't need any childcare if working 9-5. Maybe more a long term thought re job change. And universal credit is quite good alongside full time work.

I want thinking of DCs dad as childcare, I was just feeling sorry for DS for such a big change from overnights with dad every week to a babysitter. Quite a huge change. But sorry, you weren't really asking for opinions re that.

DS would be only awake an hour. It’s tough your right. What’s even tougher is that I’ve had to get a sick note to cover me for the next 4 weeks. I’m doing my best but I’m not a machine. I don’t have a day job now though?? It all takes time so that cannot be an option right NOW... I will consider it.

My school can only take 10 places for after school club or breakfast club.
Things are not running as normal. Schools could shut down too? What will I do then?

I think I could ask my boss if I can do a receptionist type of job.

I’m hoping once I use a childminder DS dad will realise that I am able to manage alone and then he will be more reasonable.

@Tenner

Once I leave my field that it be it for me working a menial job for the rest of my life.

Gosh, are you always so dramatic? You said you earn £16/h. I earn that in a big standard admin role (North West). Not sure what you are doing now and it cannot be that glamorous given your current wage.

I think you need to decided what you want but you want the moon on a stick it seems.

I’m in North West too. My wage is ok I only work twice a week. I obviously should apply for some admin jobs.

I know this goes against the grain... But if he always does those two nights a week and I think you said he does, can you approach this differently? Learn how to let his crap wash over you a bit, get some boundaries in place so your communication is minimised, and stop expecting anything except the two nights he does. So the current crappy situation re tests etc, mentally accept you approach these situations as a loan parent.

@Tenner your obviously shit at maths or a bit thick or perhaps all of the above you work at £16.00. X 40 hours a week.

For a start £16.00 is more than a min wage job!
Admin roles don’t all pay that type of hourly rate because if they did I will be happy to apply and where you work On a part time basis that will do me fine.

Clearly delusional.

@tiedinknots

I know this goes against the grain... But if he always does those two nights a week and I think you said he does, can you approach this differently? Learn how to let his crap wash over you a bit, get some boundaries in place so your communication is minimised, and stop expecting anything except the two nights he does. So the current crappy situation re tests etc, mentally accept you approach these situations as a loan parent.

That’s part is me your right.

I struggle to accept what you have just wrote. I struggle to comprehend the point you have made. I could just give in and go back to the pattern as usual. Because it will blow over.

Yes. Having experience of relying on different types of childcare - childminders, nursery, school clubs etc, I wouldn't put myself in a position where I give up reliable overnights with childs father for overnight paid childcare. I also wouldn't change my childs routine and relationship that drastically unless I absolutely had to. So yes, I would consider how I could change the dynamic.

I just RTFT and was about to try to offer some helpful advice but the OP has been so belligerent to PPs that I'm not going to bother now.

For your son's sake, I hope you get something sorted.

you approach these situations as a loan parent.

Lone parent obviously!

@tiedinknots

Yes. Having experience of relying on different types of childcare - childminders, nursery, school clubs etc, I wouldn't put myself in a position where I give up reliable overnights with childs father for overnight paid childcare. I also wouldn't change my childs routine and relationship that drastically unless I absolutely had to. So yes, I would consider how I could change the dynamic.

Communication is a two way thing. Because I ended the relationship he isn’t happy when we ended he refused to have DS he said things can’t be as they were when we were together and don’t think you will have it easy.

I know he’s hurt but it’s been 3 years since we have split. There’s no excuse to make your own Son miss school and not communicate even a txt to say he won’t be able to attend school it’s below the line. Behaviour like this is what lead to the blow out in the first place

It’s not because I asked my child’s father to do more days!!!! I rarely ask him other than maybe Xmas because some years I work that day so we shuffle and he still gets all his days off.

I’ll just like to say I think you’re doing an amazing job in a tough situation. I would do everything in my power to keep my job, not only because of the pandemic but because it’s your career and apart your DS you don’t seem to have much else to hold on to.

I would speak with manager,explain situation and that’s why you’re off work as it’s causing you so much stress. Employers are obligated to listen to your requests and wellbeing needs. Whether they change anything is another matter. Assuming you are a reliable hardworking employee would they really want to you lose you? I know my work would do all they could to be accommodating.

Do have no family/close friends nearby? What about ex? Grandparents?

Do wish you all the best

@CKBJ

I’ll just like to say I think you’re doing an amazing job in a tough situation. I would do everything in my power to keep my job, not only because of the pandemic but because it’s your career and apart your DS you don’t seem to have much else to hold on to.

I would speak with manager,explain situation and that’s why you’re off work as it’s causing you so much stress. Employers are obligated to listen to your requests and wellbeing needs. Whether they change anything is another matter. Assuming you are a reliable hardworking employee would they really want to you lose you? I know my work would do all they could to be accommodating.

Do have no family/close friends nearby? What about ex? Grandparents?

Do wish you all the best

Hi. My manager is aware I won’t return to work for a while as I told her and emailed her my Drs note.

I have some friends. But a bit like here everyone holds different views that some would continue with the current situation and others would not.

I’m not sure what to do because my ex is now saying that he can only have him on those days and meaning that it’s best for him to have him rather than a child minder which is true. But I feel as though he has run me into the ground.

It's good you're arranging childcare. It's a massive hump you have to get over. People who aren't lone parents can't really imagine how trapped you feel.
I have been a lone parent for five years since DD was five and also hung on to my well paid career through thick and thin. It's been gruelling at times and I've wondered if it's been worth the risks I've taken with my health. I feel like I'm almost out the other side now though as DD is nearly 11 and won't need childcare to cover every minute of the day for much longer.
One thing I can tell you - when I decided that I was completely alone with the task and did not ask ex for anything (apart from CMS) it was easier on me mentally.
Good luck.

I agree with ohamireally - you have to emotionally and mentally free yourself from expecting anything from the ex.

It's shit, it's not fair, but it's reality.

You're sad and angry but you are ALONE. I used to tie myself in knots thinking how shit a father the ex was/is. It didn't help me or ds.

Free yourself emotionally.

"Communication is a two way thing."
But its not. Even thought you wish it was. It seems you do not have an ex who wants to "co parent" as you do. That's what i meant by not expecting anything from him. I think its probably what others mean when they said you aren't a team anymore. I think you are expecting him to behave in a way he won't. It sucks and you want better for your DC but its reality.

I personally don't think I could handle shift work as a singe parent with no family to provide childcare but i hope you make it work. I'm guessing your work means a lot to you beyond what you earn.

I think my posts are bothering you so I will stop. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. You want him to put your child first and set aside his feelings about you - behave like a decent parent. Its very poor that he won't. I hope you and DS get back to work/school soon.

@tiedinknots

"Communication is a two way thing." But its not. Even thought you wish it was. It seems you do not have an ex who wants to "co parent" as you do. That's what i meant by not expecting anything from him. I think its probably what others mean when they said you aren't a team anymore. I think you are expecting him to behave in a way he won't. It sucks and you want better for your DC but its reality.

I personally don't think I could handle shift work as a singe parent with no family to provide childcare but i hope you make it work. I'm guessing your work means a lot to you beyond what you earn.

I think my posts are bothering you so I will stop. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. You want him to put your child first and set aside his feelings about you - behave like a decent parent. Its very poor that he won't. I hope you and DS get back to work/school soon.

Shift work is not that bad. It probably sounds it but I’m used to it. I don’t usually have school holidays to worry about and I can keep DS at home with me if needs be. I compress all my hours in 2 shifts. I plan to change to day shifts when DS gets older and I can do half days instead of long shifts. Like I said I will do this for now if it gets too much I will ask my manager to transfer to a day role doing something else.

I don’t think it’s your place to be ramming your opinion down my throat. You made points and I’ve agreed with you. I’ve also contacted mediation too to “change the dynamic”.

It’s not that my role means so much to me in just not a really confident person and I am just not sure what else I would like to do job wise but my plan is I will go into some type of admin work for a total change.

Well that's me told!

Update. I applied for an internal transfer job within the NHS day time hours only. My manager told me I have got the job! Slow process at the minute so haven’t had this job offer in writing yet. The hours would be 08.30-01.30.

I also have another interview in a few weeks for a full time training position (different job role).

Mean while mediation didn’t go ahead as ex declined. I found a lovely childminder whilst I am currently working nights at the minute and ex just now takes DS once every 4 weeks for the weekend.

Depending on how much you earn, you may be entitled to some UC anyway as a top up and to help with childcare costs. They don't take child maintenance into account as income. I don't see the harm in applying but I wouldn't quit till you have spoken to someone to find out if needing to stop working nights would be accepted as a valid reason for quitting.

I'm on UC as a single parent who is a full time student and also works part time. It's always been a straightforward process for me and a regular income.