Is it worth it UC?

[Schoolsout2]

Hi all for the last few years me and my ex have been co parenting my DS who is now 5. Things are not perfect but he does take him twice a week 6pm on an evening so I can go to work (sleeps overnight). Then he will drop him to school on a morning and then I will pick DS up after school and go and do my night shift again. My ex also has his Son once a month for the full weekend. He pays for his Son through CMS.

Here’s the problem when we were together me and my child’s dad he didn’t pull his weight and the relationship changed drastically after giving birth almost instantly. He did not move in with me (major red flag I know now), when I was on MAT leave he said it was my responsibility as I was the parent at home and it was my job role. He said he was paying my taxes so I could stay at home (not true I worked and still do that job role till this day). Fast forward I moved from my flat into a bigger house and my ex moved in with us. I returned back to work when my Ds was 13months old.... finicial abuse had started and he didn’t want to pay his way other than £200.00 a month. To cut a long story short I split up with him but feared that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my current job.

Today we have had a massive bust up and I’m at my wits end that he thinks he can dictate to me because he helps out with childcare so I can do my job. This is an ongoing problem and I am seriously considering giving my job up telling him to F**k right off and go on UC.

Single mums tell me is it doable???

Chill out. You can't see the wood for the trees because you've fixated on one option.

The majority of two parent households do not have the parents working opposing shifts.

Look for any job, any, that is during day time hours, alongside this look into what help you will get for childcare.

Speak to your boss, discuss your problem and go to them with possible solutions.

There are quite a few jobs around that are more flexible on hours, if you drive you could look into being a brand rep in supermarkets for example (the employed kind) the agencies are usually quite flexible with start finish times and only ever weekdays.

So stop biting my head off.

I have got a couple of weeks off of work. I have looked into an over night nanny and I will meet one of them next week to see what they are like in person.

Thanks for all your suggestions. Xx

OP, if you have the old style tax credits, would they let you keep them (and increase the amount being paid out to you) if you quit? I'm not sure how it works, but it might be worth looking into if you needed to quit and look for a new job.

No Elephants, unfortunately if the OP gave up her job she'd be on UC.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown I will try and keep my job now and find an over night child minder.

I will enquire about UC to see if it will be worth it for me to change over. Due to having additional childcare costs.

What a nuisance OP if only your son's Dad wasn't an idiot.

It should be a pleasure to have your kid for a sleepover.

Best of luck.

Sleepover indeed! I wish that was my weekly schedule. Thank you.

Poor you op.
I don't really think ops bringing 2 parent families working opposite shifts is comparable.
Its not.
You're on your own.
Thats the point.
Ive done it, with some support from my mum, sister and sons dad now hes not being a dick.
It feels never ending when they are so young.
I promise it gets easier.
I hope you can work something out.
Ive found uc to be more generous and more transparent then working tax credits, but i think they only contribute to ofsted registered child care so a night nanny might not help you much.
Crunch the numbers, less per hour but more help with childcare might nake you better off.
I wish we could do something about these shitty men.
All i think we can do is raise good sons.

Hi I have found 2 potential baby sitters that can cover the availability that I would need. I have enquired about the childcare costs and I can get some help with this.

I will be holding an interview next week. I have told my ex I won’t need him anymore to get to work. I explained that he can see his Son when ever he wants just as long as he lets me know.

Did you speak to your manager OP?

It's so sad that these men can't put their kids first. Sadder still that they don't seem to care or enjoy their children.

@ThighthighOfthigh yes briefly. I just told her I’ve got a lot going on at home and emailed her my Drs note. Since looking into child minders I haven’t mentioned the job transfer yet.

My ex is now insisting he wants his usual days... telling me not to use a child minder for his days & says he’s happy with “his days”. I think I will just continue with my plans to do it alone though this time next year I don’t want to be having these sort of issues.

It's so tricky! He's got you over a barrel. If he does the childcare that's perfect. But he could throw a strop.

Has he ever done more than sulk about it, has he always actually done the childcare?

Placemarking.
(Lone parent - gig economy - no family help - wraparound care costs etc so have started a UC claim but not a clue what I'm doing with it).
Good luck OP

In fairness to him he always turns up on his days. But it’s about control. Taking your child from 6pm in the evening is not an achievement in life (parenting for 1 hour). Then he sleeps all night from 7pm. Throughout the pandemic I didn’t get any extra help... he has been and still is WFM. I managed to find a play scheme to cover the school holidays other wise I wouldn’t be able to have a nap during the day after my night shift.

I do all the holidays last year we travelled twice, simple activities like a bike ride, going to the seaside on bank holidays, bike rides, ball pools. This pressure is all left to me even in the main school holidays and to say things were bad mid March he could of helped a bit more and offered to have DS. I was poorly with COVID-19 and he did nothing extra to help. But because on paper he does take DS twice a week that’s his excuse.

I worked Xmas day last year finished my shift at and was home at 08.15am and he dropped his Son off at 9am! I had all the cooking to do and then had another shift to do.

@HardStare

Placemarking. (Lone parent - gig economy - no family help - wraparound care costs etc so have started a UC claim but not a clue what I'm doing with it). Good luck OP

Thanks. I hope it all goes well for you too.

I’ve had this and seen friends have the same issue. Have it so he has your son when you’re not working. Plan social stuff or even just catching up on chores when he has him.

You got to remember you’re not a team together anymore.

@BumblebeeBum

I’ve had this and seen friends have the same issue. Have it so he has your son when you’re not working. Plan social stuff or even just catching up on chores when he has him.

You got to remember you’re not a team together anymore.

I do remember we are not together. A bit of back ground to this I don’t love him anymore... it was me who ended so I’m not bitter here. I think he is the one that is bitter.

He wants to rule the roost. This behaviour is exactly why we split and I never got pregnant again after DS.

He is flat out refusing to even consider other days.I’m not going to be bullied any longer.

It's very sad and frustrating OP.

I once said to my ex - don't you care that your son needs a coat? He said - no, I know you'll sort it.

They view themselves as optional babysitter / playmates not parents.

The only way I could save myself from just living in rage was to plan everything as though I would have zero help from budget to childcare and anything he decided to do was a bonus.

It's not fair, but it's so common.

Hi OP don't forget that your CMS should go up if he's not having your son for two overnights a week. I don't think your ex will have forgotten this and it might be another reason he's keen to keep "his" nights. 2 hours a week parenting equates to a 2/7 reduction in maintenance for him.

@ThighthighOfthigh

It's very sad and frustrating OP.

I once said to my ex - don't you care that your son needs a coat? He said - no, I know you'll sort it.

They view themselves as optional babysitter / playmates not parents.

The only way I could save myself from just living in rage was to plan everything as though I would have zero help from budget to childcare and anything he decided to do was a bonus.

It's not fair, but it's so common.

It’s disgusting it really is.

@OhamIreally I’m going ahead with my plans to do it with a child minder I told my ex if he is not happy with the new arrangement he will have to go to a court. At least we will have a written agreement.

It’s really unfair that he brought his Son home coughing and didn’t say a thing and I’m still awaiting the result back so possibly could miss the 2nd week of school as well.

We find jobs that are day time hours only
We out source childcare.
Same as families with both parents who both work.

This!
roles with antisocial hours are often better paid, I get that but if it doesn't fit into your life due to having parental responsibility, you just need to work different hours and maybe a few more hours.

I know it's not helpful but if I was you I would really be trying to get a job with daytime hours only. Even with child care arranged, if something comes up it will be difficult to find alternatives. If you worked 9-5 or similar you will have much better options. Even if the hourly rate is lower it will probably be possible to work more hours that way. Tricky I can see the benefit of the current set up because you can do all school pick ups etc and see a lot of your son.
Have your arranged alternative contact with his Dad? It's quite a big change for DS to lose his overnights. Or will they be happening different days. Sorry if I missed that.
Terrible re the test and missing school. Such a tough time.

I suppose everyone’s entitled to their opinion and when I’m doing it alone I may feel the need to find a day job. I have no support network so in a sense it won’t be easier all the school holidays I would have to cover.

Besides NHS has been my whole life job wise I’d have to work 40 a week to make the type of salary I do now. My Son is 5 I’ve got a long way to go. There’s a bigger picture.

@tiedinknots

I know it's not helpful but if I was you I would really be trying to get a job with daytime hours only. Even with child care arranged, if something comes up it will be difficult to find alternatives. If you worked 9-5 or similar you will have much better options. Even if the hourly rate is lower it will probably be possible to work more hours that way. Tricky I can see the benefit of the current set up because you can do all school pick ups etc and see a lot of your son. Have your arranged alternative contact with his Dad? It's quite a big change for DS to lose his overnights. Or will they be happening different days. Sorry if I missed that. Terrible re the test and missing school. Such a tough time.

I could be wrong here and if I am... I don’t see how a day job will be easier. It’s easier said than done. In my nights I only need to cover child care twice a week. To do a different type of job I’ll be working more days and needing my childcare. There’s not many jobs between 9am to 3 is there? And I don’t even drive to get back and fourth to the school run easier.