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To feel really shit about how people judged me for no mask.

333 replies

DidSheReallySayThat20 · 04/09/2020 21:31

For the record. I've previously tried wearing a mask until today. I have ptsd relating to being suffocated in a DV relationship. I spent years in therapy and on meds to cope daily.
The last few times I've come over funny and feeling like I'm goi g to have a panic attack which I haven't had one in 4 years.
I also suffer with anxiety shopping in a store where I don't normally shop.

The gp said I do not need to wear a mask and I have valid reason for exemption

Today shopping two different sets of people were vocal about it.. One was a mutter I could barely catch but I heard.. that's 4 no masks today and continued out of ear shot

I kept my head down I felt awful. Then a couple said excuse me, you are aware of the rules or Are you another young one who thinks they're above the law.. I ignored them. I wish I'd come back with a reply now.
Only ' good' thing was being called young at nr 40.

Its been on my mind since and I honestly have tried but the anxiety and stress they caused and thinking about it days up to shopping day and after wearing one I woild of ended up back on anti depressants because it affected me so badly.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 05/04/2021 08:55

Sockwomble, I do think that because someone’s matter that makes them exempt from mask wearing means they create a bigger risk of Covid transmission, then yes, highlighting that they have a valid reason not to wear the mask, is reasonable.

Often with other exemptions, the exemption has absolutely no bearing on anyone else and therefore really is no-one else’s business. Covid however spreads indoors in public places and not wearing masks increases that risk to those around the non-mask wearer. We all know that. And I think most people accept too that some people need to be exempt and still fully entitled to visit those places. But the reality is that the risk is increased as a result.

I think that for many coming out of shielding at the moment, venturing into public spaces is a big worry. If they feel most people will be wearing a mask that helps them. If they know people not wearing masks are doing so for valid reasons, that helps them because firstly there is a good reason but secondly, the numbers in that category will be limited. If no-one has a way or no one chooses to indicate that they have a good reason not to wear a mask, it opens up the possibility and makes it easier for those who DONT have a reason to be exempt, to just choose not to wear a mask and in some areas, that reaches large proportions. I know availability of badges or lanyards doesn’t stop this altogether, but it does reduce it by distinguishing between those who are exempt and those who aren’t and making those who simply choose not to wear a mask more obvious. For some, that in itself will make those who have no reason not to wear a mask, wear one.

I think that given we are living in a pandemic and anxiety about Covid is high, actually we should be willing to do things to help other people and not just think about ourselves. Mask wearing in itself is very much about protecting others rather than ourselves. Social distancing and not going into peoples homes is about protecting ourselves and others too. People get immunised to protect themselves but also to help build herd immunity. Appreciation of the worries people have about non-mask wearing is a simple empathy, as is understanding that some people cannot wear masks. And people do understand that some people have a good reason but also that some people just don’t want to wear masks.

For Op and others who find not wearing masks makes them feel judged, they have 2 choices really. They can wear a badge or lanyard which will mean they don’t face the hostility they feel they are facing. You could say they shouldn’t have to wear a badge or lanyard and that might well be true, but by choosing to, they could find their experiences of being out and about feel more positive to them...so that’s an option for them. The alternatives is to not wear a badge or lanyard. They can do that if they wish, safe in the knowledge they are entitled to not be in a mask. They can do it knowing shop assistants will ask if they have forgotten their mask and people might look at them. And if they don’t care, that’s fine, but the whole point if this thread is that some people DO care about being asked or feeling judged and this badge or lanyard wearing can reduce that. The third option actually, which is the worst, is that those who can’t wear masks simply don’t go out. They feel so worried about people looking at them or being asked about their mask that they simply stay at home. That would be a great shame, but I expect some people, are doing that.

There is no obligation to wear a badge or lanyard to indicate exemption. People can be pedantic and say no-one should need to wear one. But if it gives those who are exempt a smoother ride and a more pleasant experience of being out and makes them feel confident in a way they don’t without a badge, why not wear one? Would you rather that those people had a horrible experience of being out or feeling they’d been looked at and judged but could go home and say ‘ha, but I didn’t wear a badge just to make them feel better’.? ..it doesn’t work like that does it. The badge for lanyard might make other people feel better about non-mask wearers too (and there’s nothing wrong with appreciating their anxiety and helping them too) but it predominantly helps the badge wearer themselves whilst out in public. Isn’t that the main reason to wear it, and the reason why objecting to the idea is shooting those who most benefit in the foot?

SueSaid · 05/04/2021 09:02

'No one should ever have to wear a lanyard, badge etc to avoid abuse from other people. Victim blaming at its finest!'

We have blue badges or else everyone would decide they were entitled to park where they like. You must stop thinking being disabled is anything to be ashamed of. If you can't or won't wear a thin face cover or face shield then wear a sunflower lanyard or similar to give people a clue that you think you are exempt.

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 11:20

"We have blue badges or else everyone would decide they were entitled to park where they like."

People don't wear blue badges.

How do you feel about those who are not vaccinated wearing lanyards? They are probably a bigger risk to others.

Perhaps everyone who is not vaccinated for whatever reason - medical, pregnant, trying for a baby or "It's my choice" - should wear one?

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 11:22

"If you can't or won't"

Exempt means can't. HTH

SpnBaby1967 · 05/04/2021 11:23

No one is entitled to know your medical history........its really that simple. We also have the equality act for a reason.

No one needs to explain to some random bystander why they arent wearing a mask.

That's fact!

Maybe those who feel the need to confront strangers about their private medical conditions should stay at home more since they clearly cant be trusted to act in a decent manner.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2021 11:25

People are scared about catching the virus which is why they are muttering.

Don’t be rude. Just say “I’m exempt” and walk away. Wearing a lanyard would be better. What about a face shield?

l2b2 · 05/04/2021 11:32

Fully agree with you @WombatChocolate

SpnBaby1967 · 05/04/2021 11:36

People are scared about catching the virus which is why they are muttering

If they're scared of catching a virus with a 99% survival rate and which for most people is a bad cold, they should probably stay at home and get help for their anxiety.

WombatChocolate · 05/04/2021 11:39

It may well be the case that no-one should notice or look of anyone not wearing a mask. However, of course people notice at this time. And shop assistants are asked to remind people to wear a mask.

Those who are exempt can be asked by shop assistants which draw attention to them or they can wear a lanyard to avoid this or reduce it. That’s their choice.

If I was exempt and not bothered about explaining myself to people or being looked at, I might choose not to wear one. If I was the kind of person to say loudly and confidently ‘I’m exempt’ every time someone asked and not be phased by it at all, that is what I’d do. As such a person, I could probably also look firmly at anyone eyeballing me and not feel bothered by them lookimg. That’s fine for those confident people.
BUT if I was someone who felt self conscious about being noticed and horrified at being asked about my lack of mask by shop assistants or who felt judged by everyone in the place, I’d probably try to mitigate that situation for myself rather than anyone else and wear a bloody badge. It wouldn’t matter that I didn’t have to but I might choose to so I could have an easier life.

Isn’t the key point that OP could have a more pleasant experience of going out by making this simple choice? She’s sensitive to being looked at or spoken to about the mask. Less of this would happen with a badge or lanyard. More if it happens without.

XenoBitch · 05/04/2021 11:40

@JaniieJones

'No one should ever have to wear a lanyard, badge etc to avoid abuse from other people. Victim blaming at its finest!'

We have blue badges or else everyone would decide they were entitled to park where they like. You must stop thinking being disabled is anything to be ashamed of. If you can't or won't wear a thin face cover or face shield then wear a sunflower lanyard or similar to give people a clue that you think you are exempt.

A blue badge is to show you are entitled to park in a disabled parking space. It is also not to stop you getting abuse. It is so parking attendants know you are allowed to park there. You also do not wear a blue badge on your person.

If a shop assistant asks where your mask is, then you say you are exempt, and that should be that. A lanyard (and the sunflower lanyard does not mean you exempt - it has a different meaning) or a badge, or a card you can show will mean they might just leave you be anyway.

No one should have to display any of the above to avoid abuse or challenging from other shoppers. Other shoppers should be minding their own business. Not wearing a mask should be an obvious signal that someone is exempt. No one is required to display an additional sign to say so... that is in the Gov guidelines.

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 11:41

So no thoughts about the unvaccinated wearing lanyards.

It would make me feel safer when I take my CV son out so I think it is a good idea.

People who aren't vaccinated should start wearing them now and can remove them when they get vaccinated.

WombatChocolate · 05/04/2021 11:54

Sockwomble, ultimately a Covid passport to show you’ve been vaccinated or had a resent test or are exempt from both will become like the lanyard won’t it. People will keep it on their phone or wallet and show it to enter certain venues. It’s not a visible wearing like a lanyard but will have the same effect.

At the moment we are not there yet. Vaccines haven’t been made available to all but masks or exemptions have. Masks by nature are a visible thing whereas a Covid passport isn’t. Being vaccinated or not isn’t visible and never will be in itself. That’s why it’s not possible to compare being vaccinated with mask wearing.

Ultimately the vaccine passport will probably be in use. This will essentially become like the badge or lanyard or not having a passport will become the same. You simply won’t be able to enter a venue without one or without a negative Covid test result, or something else to show you’re exempt from both of these.

I do t really get what your point is SockWoble. Badges and lanyards aren’t compulsory and I’m not sure people think they should be. But in a world where the mask or lack of mask is very visible and noticeable, it’s an easy choice for someone who feels self conscious and on display for not wearing a mask. No-one knows who is vaccinated by looking at them.

Would a better similar example be pregnant women in the tube wearing a badge to show they are pregnant so they can have a seat or aren’t asked to stand for a more visibly vulnerable person?

littlepeas · 05/04/2021 12:06

I wouldn’t actually do this, but in situations like this I would have to seriously fight the urge to start having a massive coughing fit right next to them.

Why can’t people just mind their own bloody business?

(I wear a mask personally, but am very sympathetic to those who can’t)

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 12:10

No, something that you carry is not the same as being expected to wear something to stop others being arseholes.

Pregnant women (can) wear a badge to say they require extra support. It is not worn to stop random people coming up to them to be abusive or to make others feel better.

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 12:14

Not being offered the vaccine is irrelevant. You are still more risky.

(That is what is always said to those cannot wear masks)

LucilleTheVampireBat · 05/04/2021 12:23

If you can't or won't wear a thin face cover or face shield then wear a sunflower lanyard or similar to give people a clue that you think you are exempt

Aren't you ever so clever! I love how you've sneakily tried to word your disablist statement so that you sound so reasonable. I see you though. People don't think they are exempt, they are. They don't need to display their status or disclose their personal business or wear things so that anxious people like you can make moral judgements about others and kid themselves they feel 'safe'. If you are so afraid, then YOU stay at home. You have absolutely no right to tell people that they may not go about their day to day business because of your irrational anxieties.

Bluntness100 · 05/04/2021 12:23

I think this is in part due to people having enhanced health anxiety when out and also so many people just not bothering.

You have a valid reason, but if you take into account that people are anxious and scared and there are a lot of arseholes who just don’t want to wear one, I think personally it would be beneficial to wear a lanyard.

It’s easy to say “oh it’s no ones business” but someone who is suffering from anxiety being out is not going to be hugely rational, all they see is someone increasing their risk.

psychomath · 05/04/2021 12:39
  1. Seeing as sunflower lanyards can be bought online, how would they help you determine whether someone's really exempt or going to a tiny bit of extra effort to fake it?

  2. Covid transmission risk is increased just as much by someone not wearing a mask because they're genuinely exempt as by someone not wearing one because they can't be arsed, so if this is really about 'anxiety' rather than just being judgemental, how much would it actually help?

corcaithecat · 05/04/2021 12:54

OP. You can't wear a mask but you can still be infectious and pass the virus on.

If I saw you in the supermarket without your mask I'd give you a wide birth or swap queues if necessary.

I'm sorry if you feel feel judged, but equally I want to keep my family safe. Wearing a lanyard wouldn't change my actions.

SueSaid · 05/04/2021 14:10

'They don't need to display their status or disclose their personal business or wear things so that anxious people like you can make moral judgements about others and kid themselves they feel 'safe'

Have you rtft? It is about someone feeling awks when they don't/ can't wear one so a lanyard may be helpful for their anxiety, no?

I'm not remotely anxious. HTH.

SamW98 · 05/04/2021 14:22

Sadly its not just hidden disabilities. I know of someone whose DD with Downs was refused entry without a mask unless her disability could be proved - and this was to a major well known store

The discrimination and nasty comments I've seen about people;le with disabilities who are exempt has sicked me. I've seen it said that those who can't wear a mask should be locked up at home. I saw a friend whose adult DD is autistic told she should keep her home and do her shopping for her

Sadly, some people are judgemental arseholes and COVID has given them an easy outlet for their twattery

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 14:26

"If I saw you in the supermarket without your mask I'd give you a wide birth or swap queues if necessary."

This shows the importance of lanyards for those not vaccinated. It means the vunerable can keep a wide berth of those people too if they wish.

WombatChocolate · 05/04/2021 14:30

Sockwomble, perhaps you should start the campaign for lanyards for the unvaccinated. You’re the only person I’ve seen mention them, but you seem to think there could be big demand. I expect the government would be interested to receive your petition or other campaign documents.

On the other hand, I’ve seen lots with the badge or lanyard for mask exemption.

No-one has said lanyards for mask exemptions should be compulsory. All has been said is that given Op found being looked at and spoken to tricky whilst out, considering it, might make things more manageable for her. Her choice.

Sockwomble · 05/04/2021 14:44

A petition wouldn't work because people won't like the idea that they might have to wear a lanyard. Easy to say others should of course.

WombatChocolate · 06/04/2021 10:01

No. I was being ironic. Of course it wouldn’t work.

I’m not saying Op should wear a badge or lanyard. I’m saying she has a choice to do so.

It is her who finds people looking at her or asking her why she hasn’t got a mask difficult. She can continue with that if she chooses or she can choose to try a badge or lanyard and see if that makes her outings feel better. Totally up to her.

In the real world, whether people should even notice someone isn’t wearing a mask or have a view on it at all, people do notice very much. Noticing or commenting might not be fair or reasonable, but this is the world we live in at the moment and it’s not likely to change quickly. Op can either carry on exactly as she has in terms of going out without a mask and no badge or lanyard, or she can be driven indoors and not go out because she doesn’t like being noticed or spoken to (that would seem the worst outcome to me) or she can go out and wear a badge or lanyard and see it it makes things feel better for her. Any of those 3 options are available. I hope Op finds one which makes life better for her.