My mother's hand

[littlebillie]

With the announcement that we have a few more years of Covid ahead I realise I may never hold my mother's hand, kiss her cheek or hug her.

She is a nursing home where we have to sit 2 metres apart for 20 minutes a week. She has been very ill and is fading away.

Every time I see her she reaches out for my hand .

I feel we have failed a generation

Op, I think we have failed more than one generation! One of my dc is suffering with crippling anxiety and none have had had a normal childhood for nearly 6 months. Meanwhile, my grandmother and her care home friends, who we are ‘protecting’ were Locked in Their rooms for 2 months to try to prevent the spread of infection should covid get in. Gm managed to fall 4 times in that period and was sent to hospital each time for xrays. One of the other care home Residents who we have got to know died of ‘old age‘ last week, she had Three socially distanced family visits since march in that time. (Prior to that it was every weekend). The end of her life was so, so sad and i do not want that for dgm.

Dgm wouldn’t want to think that in order for us to protect her, dc is in the state she is in now, refusing to leave the house Out of fear and she certainly isn’t enjoying her last years, alone For the majority of time, with one visitor a week for half an hour- sitting in a tent in the garden (goodness knows what will happen as the weather turns cooler as we all know the elderly don’t tolerate cold well).
I know that care home staff have done their best, crikey some of them moved in to dgm home to keep the residents safe (one is married to a paramedic for example), They are heroes for the job they do. but it is so, so sad to think of the final years Of our parents and grandparents being on their own, especially those with dementia who have no understanding of why their visitors aren’t coming or won’t hold their hands and touch them.

@TheDailyCarbuncle

There is evidence (I will find the study) that a significant number of deaths in the elderly have not been from covid but from the effects of isolation - a high number were from dehydration, when people just stopped drinking because they were so disoriented/depressed.

I don't understand the attitude that a death from covid is awful and must be prevented at all costs but a death from sheer misery is fine.

.... Deaths in care homes - and outside - rocketed to very high levels during March to May because of COVID deaths,

The isolation measures remain, but for several weeks now, there have been very few COVID deaths and total deaths have been around the 5-year average
So what has changed - to reduce deaths back to normal - is that community levels of COVID have plummeted

Statistics of course don't help the human tragedy of not being able to hug your frail elderly relatives,
but care homes don't want to risk an outbreak that might kill some of their other residents - their risk if they catch COVID is very high.

Just wash your hands and wear a mask - covid doesn’t seep out of your pores and infect other people...

Hold her hand. Please. You will be haunted by not doing this vital thing. Disobey the rules and hold her hand. Give her a hug and a kiss.

Do you live and work quietly at home or do you go night clubbing in Manchester ? The chances that you are carrying the virus are very slim.
Wash your hands and go and hold hers.
So sorry for you, and her OP. My parents are long gone but I know what they would have chosen.

I would wear a mask. Sanatise my hands and hold hers. Then Sanatise hers again. I really would. awful situation x

My parents were invited in against the care homes general rules when it became apparent grandma was on her deathbed. Fortunately (??) She passed away before covid really kicked off, although it subsequently 'got' my mother (likely as a result of the care home visit).

However, your mum does not necessarily have the capacity to understand what is happening right now and I would ask the care home if there is something that can be done - even if you agree and adhere to quarantine for 14 days before and after a longer visit. Worst case they say no, but unless the staff are also permanently social distancing, which is unlikely, they pose just as much risk to their residents than the occasional visitor.

I’m in the same situation, my DM is in a care home. I’m fortunate that the care home have allowed me to visit outside twice a week for the last few weeks. However, I’m the same as you in that I have to wear a mask, plastic gown, gloves, sit over 2 metres apart and have a plastic screen in between us. It’s heartbreaking as when I leave my DM always puts her arms out to hug me but Im not allowed. At the height of the outbreak they had Covid in the home and lost quite a few residents. My DM also caught it and fortunately recovered but my heart breaks for her every time I visit.

care homes don't want to risk an outbreak that might kill some of their other residents - their risk if they catch COVID is very high.

I don't think it's that straightforward although I know some care home residents are extremely vulnerable. I read something recently (I'm going to be very annoying and say I can't remember what/where) and they were doing random tests in care homes and 80% of positive tests were still asymptomatic cases and most people getting it were ok. Sorry, I can't remember the source of that. The most vulnerable still seem to have a very high chance of surviving over dying if they get the virus, although I appreciate some care homes have been hit badly and need to be extremely cautious.

Anyway, I don't think this is morally right OP. It's not black and white because of course homes want to protect people and it's a very emotive issue. But if you're in a care home, you don't have long to live. There is no way I think it's right to leave someone elderly and vulnerable without human touch. Ok, so they then potentially don't get the virus and live a few months longer but who wants to live like that? I wouldn't. There must be an epidemic of depression in these homes right now. It's inhumane. I am so sorry you can't hold your mum's hand. I appreciate that despite what I've posted, many still on balance would feel they couldn't but it must be traumatising relatives, staff and the people in the homes.