My mother's hand

[littlebillie]

With the announcement that we have a few more years of Covid ahead I realise I may never hold my mother's hand, kiss her cheek or hug her.

She is a nursing home where we have to sit 2 metres apart for 20 minutes a week. She has been very ill and is fading away.

Every time I see her she reaches out for my hand .

I feel we have failed a generation

[TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair]

care homes don't want to risk an outbreak that might kill some of their other residents - their risk if they catch COVID is very high.

I don't think it's that straightforward although I know some care home residents are extremely vulnerable. I read something recently (I'm going to be very annoying and say I can't remember what/where) and they were doing random tests in care homes and 80% of positive tests were still asymptomatic cases and most people getting it were ok. Sorry, I can't remember the source of that. The most vulnerable still seem to have a very high chance of surviving over dying if they get the virus, although I appreciate some care homes have been hit badly and need to be extremely cautious.

Anyway, I don't think this is morally right OP. It's not black and white because of course homes want to protect people and it's a very emotive issue. But if you're in a care home, you don't have long to live. There is no way I think it's right to leave someone elderly and vulnerable without human touch. Ok, so they then potentially don't get the virus and live a few months longer but who wants to live like that? I wouldn't. There must be an epidemic of depression in these homes right now. It's inhumane. I am so sorry you can't hold your mum's hand. I appreciate that despite what I've posted, many still on balance would feel they couldn't but it must be traumatising relatives, staff and the people in the homes.

[Turquoisesea]

I’m in the same situation, my DM is in a care home. I’m fortunate that the care home have allowed me to visit outside twice a week for the last few weeks. However, I’m the same as you in that I have to wear a mask, plastic gown, gloves, sit over 2 metres apart and have a plastic screen in between us. It’s heartbreaking as when I leave my DM always puts her arms out to hug me but Im not allowed. At the height of the outbreak they had Covid in the home and lost quite a few residents. My DM also caught it and fortunately recovered but my heart breaks for her every time I visit.

[minisoksmakehardwork]

My parents were invited in against the care homes general rules when it became apparent grandma was on her deathbed. Fortunately (??) She passed away before covid really kicked off, although it subsequently 'got' my mother (likely as a result of the care home visit).

However, your mum does not necessarily have the capacity to understand what is happening right now and I would ask the care home if there is something that can be done - even if you agree and adhere to quarantine for 14 days before and after a longer visit. Worst case they say no, but unless the staff are also permanently social distancing, which is unlikely, they pose just as much risk to their residents than the occasional visitor.

[Mondaymanic]

I would wear a mask. Sanatise my hands and hold hers. Then Sanatise hers again. I really would. awful situation x

[Travelledtheworld]

Do you live and work quietly at home or do you go night clubbing in Manchester ? The chances that you are carrying the virus are very slim.
Wash your hands and go and hold hers.
So sorry for you, and her OP. My parents are long gone but I know what they would have chosen.

[joystir59]

Hold her hand. Please. You will be haunted by not doing this vital thing. Disobey the rules and hold her hand. Give her a hug and a kiss.

[Thedot90]

Just wash your hands and wear a mask - covid doesn’t seep out of your pores and infect other people...

[BigChocFrenzy]

Statistics of course don't help the human tragedy of not being able to hug your frail elderly relatives,
but care homes don't want to risk an outbreak that might kill some of their other residents - their risk if they catch COVID is very high.

[BigChocFrenzy]

@TheDailyCarbuncle

There is evidence (I will find the study) that a significant number of deaths in the elderly have not been from covid but from the effects of isolation - a high number were from dehydration, when people just stopped drinking because they were so disoriented/depressed.

I don't understand the attitude that a death from covid is awful and must be prevented at all costs but a death from sheer misery is fine.

....
Deaths in care homes - and outside - rocketed to very high levels during March to May because of COVID deaths,

The isolation measures remain, but for several weeks now, there have been very few COVID deaths and total deaths have been around the 5-year average
So what has changed - to reduce deaths back to normal - is that community levels of COVID have plummeted

[Jeniwren64]

Op, I think we have failed more than one generation! One of my dc is suffering with crippling anxiety and none have had had a normal childhood for nearly 6 months. Meanwhile, my grandmother and her care home friends, who we are ‘protecting’ were Locked in Their rooms for 2 months to try to prevent the spread of infection should covid get in. Gm managed to fall 4 times in that period and was sent to hospital each time for xrays. One of the other care home Residents who we have got to know died of ‘old age‘ last week, she had Three socially distanced family visits since march in that time. (Prior to that it was every weekend). The end of her life was so, so sad and i do not want that for dgm.
Dgm wouldn’t want to think that in order for us to protect her, dc is in the state she is in now, refusing to leave the house Out of fear and she certainly isn’t enjoying her last years, alone For the majority of time, with one visitor a week for half an hour- sitting in a tent in the garden (goodness knows what will happen as the weather turns cooler as we all know the elderly don’t tolerate cold well).
I know that care home staff have done their best, crikey some of them moved in to dgm home to keep the residents safe (one is married to a paramedic for example), They are heroes for the job they do. but it is so, so sad to think of the final years Of our parents and grandparents being on their own, especially those with dementia who have no understanding of why their visitors aren’t coming or won’t hold their hands and touch them.

[ekidmxcl]

Sorry if you have done this, but can you offer to wear full PPE such as mask, visor, apron and sanitise both yours and her hands for a quick handhold?

[littlebillie]

I know there is no real solution but it is just so sad for these people and families.


My mum is very poorly and last time we were able to sit with her feed and talk to her. We went everyday and eventually she came back, this time is we can't do that for her.

[Strawberrycreamsundae]

It’s utterly heartbreaking. My mum is dying, I am not allowed to visit her for more than 15 minutes and until last weekend the hospital rules were one visitor only, once a week, for 10 minutes (and a 160 mile round trip from here)
My poor mum is deaf, cannot hear you if you’re wearing a face mask, cannot see to read written messages.
Personally I think it’s brutal and cruel. I am in the vulnerable category, have barely left the house since early March so hardly a risk.
These last memories are more like a nightmare.
I know just how you feel OP.

[TheDailyCarbuncle]

There is evidence (I will find the study) that a significant number of deaths in the elderly have not been from covid but from the effects of isolation - a high number were from dehydration, when people just stopped drinking because they were so disoriented/depressed.

I don't understand the attitude that a death from covid is awful and must be prevented at all costs but a death from sheer misery is fine.

[bibbitybobbitycats]

OP and everyone else in this situation, my heart goes out to you, I honestly did not realise the enormity of the situation for care home residents. I am so, so sorry for you all.

[cakeandchampagne]

This is so sad.
I hope she has vivid dreams of you, and at least gets some comfort at night.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

My father is in a nursing home. They've been closed since before the lockdown and are still not open for visits.

[AlwaysLatte]

It's awful isn't it. My Dad's wife's care home STILL haven't allowed him to see her since March, not even in the garden. She has Alzheimer's and probably won't know him when eventually they let him see her 😢

[sunseekin]

The care home must hold hands to steady residents etc. Do they wear gloves? Could they provide one? Wondering if you’ve asked, they might be able to help find a way. Please find a way to hold her hand, so sad for you both.

[notevenat20]

Hell, give her a hug too.

[notevenat20]

I would self isolate for a week, wash your hands and then hold her hand.

[Lazypuppy]

I would just wash my hands, then use anti bac gel and then hold her hand.

Reduces the risk to nearly zero

[littlebillie]

Just spoke to another home, garden visits only once a week if you can get in. At the moment garden visits until it gets too cold and then wait for the spring.

450,000 elderly people in care homes.

[Finnyhaddock]

Just sympathising. My mum is also in a care home. Visits were like prison with carers as warders and now nothing as we are in even stricter lockdown.
It's not good. But there is no way around it.

[nancybotwinbloom]

I will get slated for this but go.

Go hold your mums hand. Get all the tests you need.

It's your mum.


You get one mum.