My mother's hand

[littlebillie]

With the announcement that we have a few more years of Covid ahead I realise I may never hold my mother's hand, kiss her cheek or hug her.

She is a nursing home where we have to sit 2 metres apart for 20 minutes a week. She has been very ill and is fading away.

Every time I see her she reaches out for my hand .

I feel we have failed a generation

[WorkinWomansBlues]

OP... I saw something on TV where a cafe home resident was bought a cushion with a photo of his late wife printed on it, so he could “hug” her still.

Could you do something similar?

[TheUnquestionedAnswer]

I feel your pain. Saw my mum last week for first time in nearly 6 months. We had to be 4m apart and when I left to travel back home I was broken. I know we all have to abide by the rules but it isn't easy.

[nc600]

Yes, the cushion with you smiling so hard you'll burst for her to hug was what I was going to suggest.....and when you give it to her I'd give her one big hug (after self isolating for 2 weeks first)

[Notredamn]

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry it's like something out of a dystopian novel.

[sunseekin]

Please hold your mums hand somehow. Take antibacterial wipes to wipe it after or do whatever makes it safer in your mind but please hold her hand. Take care x

[WeALLdeferTOtheDOG]

You have to find a way around this - you must be able to hold her hand and hold her. I would say put on a face mask, a visor, a disposable poncho and gloves and hug your darling mum. Do whatever you need to do to hug your mum safely but hug your mum. You are highly unlikely to pass anything on if you are being quick, careful and - if need be - holding your breath whilst you have physical contact. Alternatively ask the care home to create a cuddle curtain at a door opening or window. I think it is inhumane that more effort hasn't gone into creating safe ways for physical contact for our precious older people. Be safe but find whatever creative way you need to in order to hug your mum.

[NavyKitchen]

I'm not sure that those of you advocating hugging and holding hands understand that this virus has torn through some care homes, leaving complete devastation. Please look at the bigger picture. What if the op did as you suggest, or I did or any other relative reading this did and within a week, our relative contracted Covid (we wouldn't know if we'd caused it or not) and it spread through the home and killed many vulnerable people. I couldn't live with that and if my dm was of sound mind, she wouldn't be able to live with it either.

[latticechaos]

Really sad to read this.

I'm very compliant re. the guidance, but I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I'm sorry you and your mum are having this tough time.

[IceCreamSummer20]

I know it sounds ridiculous, but as it is the airborne transmission (being near her to hold her hand) that might be the issue too, could you investigate getting a high grade mask, visor and PPE and talk with the staff about whether you could hold her hand with proper equipment?

I guess you would not want to introduce a virus into the care home.

I sympathise, I can’t see my own mother who has a life limiting illness and worry whether zoom calls are going to be it forever.

[IceCreamSummer20]

@WorkinWomansBlues

OP... I saw something on TV where a cafe home resident was bought a cushion with a photo of his late wife printed on it, so he could “hug” her still.

Could you do something similar?

Actually that is a great idea.

[nancybotwinbloom]

I will get slated for this but go.

Go hold your mums hand. Get all the tests you need.

It's your mum.


You get one mum.

[Finnyhaddock]

Just sympathising. My mum is also in a care home. Visits were like prison with carers as warders and now nothing as we are in even stricter lockdown.
It's not good. But there is no way around it.

[littlebillie]

Just spoke to another home, garden visits only once a week if you can get in. At the moment garden visits until it gets too cold and then wait for the spring.

450,000 elderly people in care homes.

[Lazypuppy]

I would just wash my hands, then use anti bac gel and then hold her hand.

Reduces the risk to nearly zero

[notevenat20]

I would self isolate for a week, wash your hands and then hold her hand.

[notevenat20]

Hell, give her a hug too.

[sunseekin]

The care home must hold hands to steady residents etc. Do they wear gloves? Could they provide one? Wondering if you’ve asked, they might be able to help find a way. Please find a way to hold her hand, so sad for you both.

[AlwaysLatte]

It's awful isn't it. My Dad's wife's care home STILL haven't allowed him to see her since March, not even in the garden. She has Alzheimer's and probably won't know him when eventually they let him see her 😢

[MereDintofPandiculation]

My father is in a nursing home. They've been closed since before the lockdown and are still not open for visits.

[cakeandchampagne]

This is so sad.
I hope she has vivid dreams of you, and at least gets some comfort at night.

[bibbitybobbitycats]

OP and everyone else in this situation, my heart goes out to you, I honestly did not realise the enormity of the situation for care home residents. I am so, so sorry for you all.

[TheDailyCarbuncle]

There is evidence (I will find the study) that a significant number of deaths in the elderly have not been from covid but from the effects of isolation - a high number were from dehydration, when people just stopped drinking because they were so disoriented/depressed.

I don't understand the attitude that a death from covid is awful and must be prevented at all costs but a death from sheer misery is fine.

[Strawberrycreamsundae]

It’s utterly heartbreaking. My mum is dying, I am not allowed to visit her for more than 15 minutes and until last weekend the hospital rules were one visitor only, once a week, for 10 minutes (and a 160 mile round trip from here)
My poor mum is deaf, cannot hear you if you’re wearing a face mask, cannot see to read written messages.
Personally I think it’s brutal and cruel. I am in the vulnerable category, have barely left the house since early March so hardly a risk.
These last memories are more like a nightmare.
I know just how you feel OP.

[littlebillie]

I know there is no real solution but it is just so sad for these people and families.


My mum is very poorly and last time we were able to sit with her feed and talk to her. We went everyday and eventually she came back, this time is we can't do that for her.

[ekidmxcl]

Sorry if you have done this, but can you offer to wear full PPE such as mask, visor, apron and sanitise both yours and her hands for a quick handhold?