I've been left behind. Why are they so calm :(

[sienna4]

I gave birth in January. After birth I became very aware of my mortality.
The thought of ever having to leave my baby filled me with dread and I felt an overwhelming need to protect me and my daughter.

The start of pandemic for me, like most people was a nightmare.
I've spent every day since March worrying I've either got it or I'm going to get it and die.

I have inflammatory arthritis (not medicated) and a BMI of 36 so feel my chances would not be good.

Most of my friends and family at the start were all equally as scared, but now they all seem to have forgotten about it.

A group of friends with babies have all been meeting up for lunch, my sister in law who recently had a baby, has been seeing lots of people and is happy for them to hold her baby.

No one has held my baby since March and I'm not comfortable with people holding her, not even my mom.

I haven't had anyone in my house since March and only feel comfortable with outdoor meet ups.

My husband has to return to work on the 3rd August (he's been working from home since March) and I'm petrified.
I can't sleep because of the worry of him bringing it home.

I'm genuinely worried about my future as right now all we do is go for walks and have out door meet ups.

My friends are having a girls night at a local
Pub next week but I've turned down the invite.

I just don't see how I'm ever going to get past this fear.
People I know all seem so calm at happy with this new normal, but I'm terrified and I don't know what to do.

I'm not an anxious person, so I don't understand why I've been affected so badly by this. 😔

Coming from someone who suffers with anxiety I would say you are suffering with anxiety.

You say you are worried about your future and what it's going to be, that is anxiety in itself.

Once anxiety manifests you find yourself trapped in a negative cycle of worry about the future and mixed with impending doom.
Unfortunately unfortunately everyone's anxiety is based off completely irrational fears, mine sounds like yours and is actually and irrational response to a real threat. I.E the pandemic, nobody can tell you to not worry because you should, but should you miss out on everything because of it, no that's irrational.

Speak to your GP, its exactly who the health visitor will refer you too.
My partner has just been given a course of tablets and put in touch with telephone counsellors due to PND, it's very common and what is going on in the world will only escalate it.

Sorry wrote that with kids all over me, was meant to say "not everyones anxiety is based on irrational fears"

I think you have PND and need help. I had PND last year and decided to take medication as I genuinely couldn't live like that day to day. Your worries are completely out of proportion and not justified based on actual facts and figures. Covid will still be there but maybe some help would allow you to assess the risk better.

There's a great deal you can do about the arthritis, by changing your diet and gentle excercise. BTGTTS.

My bible was the Margaret Hills Arthritis diet, available on Amazon.
More about MH

www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/local-news/coventry-nurse-margaret-hills-cure-3030082

Of course you need help.

You need to realise that your unhealthy anxiety has actually not much to do with Covid, there always has and always will be risks to you and your baby, and you can spend your whole life reading about far away stories reinforcing your panic.

It's clearly not good for you, and it's not fair on your child who needs a life!

You are not alone, you are not the first one and you absolutely can find help. Speak to your GP and health visitor urgently.

Babies grow up so so fast, you really don't want to waste these first months and years.

As a young woman (I’m assuming you’re under 40), even though you are somewhat obese, your risk of death if you catch this is absolutely minute.

Obviously you should still take recommended social distancing precautions in the interests of being a good citizen, but when it comes to your own risk the most important way to keep yourself safe for your baby is to get some help for your mental health.

While I feel sure PND is contributing to your anxiety, I recognize the very real fear you have about COVID. I'm diabetic, overweight and over 60. I get very angry with friends who dismiss my fear and tell me to 'man up'. I don't think people, especially young and fit people, understand that while the risk is low, knowing that you could die is quite real for some of us.

I'm trying to take one day at a time, taking all the precautions I can and distracting myself when I get very anxious. But I do insist that friends who want to meet me take precautions too.

It must be very scary for you with your added risk factors, but like pp I feel the anxiety/ your feelings about the risk could be the bigger problem. I had CBT fir extreme anxiety and didn't believe there was a hope in hell it could change my doomed existence but I tried it and wow- it changed the way I think/ react to negative thoughts and behave. I can't recommend it enough. But obviously speak to GP and Health Visitor. There is probably some online support available if face- to face would be too risky.
I hope you feel better about things soon.

People are calm che cause they have a healthy attitude to risk. The fear being experienced by a number of people is massively disproportionate to the actual risk of COVID. We experience very real risks every day (getting in a car for example- cliche but true). I think you need to understand the actual rather than perceived risk - the damage being done to people's mental health, standard of living and financial situations will be far worse than the impact of the virus - in most - not all - cases

I think you have rationalise the risks involved here. Understandable you are fearful for your daughter but it is necessary to go out and mix with others for your own sanity ( obviously wearing a mask) You mentioned your BMI is high and this does increase your risk, could you make progress in reducing this so that you would be less anxious in public whilst also making you healthier and less susceptible to the worst symptoms of Covid.
I have seen many buggy fit classes in local parks in progress maybe this would allow you to socialise and exercise at the same time. Taking out a life insurance policy put my mind at ease that my dependents would be financially stable if the worst happened to me, could this help you?

OP, what you describe sounds very familiar to me as I felt exactly like this after giving birth. Of course we didn't have the pandemic then but I worried and obsessed constantly over many different illnesses and diseases and worried myself sick over dying. My anxiety has definitely increased since becoming a mum. It's not so bad now but was difficult in the first year but my GP was lovely. I'd urge you to visit yours

Definitely speak to your GP. My DP has suffered from very bad anxiety since we had our DD and he was fast-tracked for therapy as they prioritise you if you have a child under the age of 2. It's really helping him.

What support are you getting for your weight (loss)?

That's the key to all of this.
If you can lose weight, you will reduce your risk hugely.

Having arthritis is not a negative. I have a friend with severe RA - on meds but they are not helping much- but part of her treatment is to keep moving and exercising. She is very, very slim.

What has your GP suggested re losing weight?

@sienna4, it's natural to worry.

You, your DH and DC are not in the at risk group (I assume).

I know people who have had CV-19 and all have recovered. It was a family. DC, mid 20s, and the DM (late 50s) got it but the DF, in an at risk group, didn't. God knows why not.

An elderly relative of mine (90s) got it and has recovered.

This doesn't mean that it isn't something quite scary, but it is not necessarily lethal or life changing.

I'd be worried too if I had a baby but you don't need to. Babies are very resilient. A night out would do you good.

Congratulations on the baby. I'm sure you are a great mother but try not to worry too much.

*After birth I became very aware of my mortality.
The thought of ever having to leave my baby filled me with dread and I felt an overwhelming need to protect me and my daughter. *

This happened to me - and I understand from doctors etc that its not at all unusual. I had counselling for a while and then something awful DID happen, although my daughter recovered I then had to have longer term counselling - I felt as if my fears of a "Terrible Thing About to Happen" were proven. I imagine you feel similar concerning COVID19 and your own health.

I hope theres a chink of light for you in that others are going through or have gone through the same thing, its not odd or something that you will never be able to cope with. You can get immediate help through Mind or ask your GP or health visitor for a referral to counselling which can be done over the phone:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

You have had some great suggestions on here. You absolutely can ask for some help. I agree that you may have PND, and this is contributing to your anxiety and defeatist view that you can't change things.

You can do it:
Support from the HV/GP for your anxiety
Meds from the GP for your RA
Support from MN or other resource to improve your diet - to help you lose weight, and might help your RA

I feel for you, OP - it’s horrendous.

I had this after my DS was born last year. My anxiety wasn’t related to COVID but i was petrified I was going to die of Sepsis because I had a C-Section. This then progressed to becoming petrified that I was going to die of cancer or another serious illness. I was constantly checking myself for symptoms of various things. It really took over my life and I struggled to care for my baby.

Luckily, my midwife got me an urgent referral to the post-natal mental health team and I was given diazepam within a day of the referral to take the edge off and then put on medication within a week.
I had 8 weeks of CBT recently which really helped and I am now trying to come off of my medication.

Speak to your HV or GP or have a Google to see if there’s a post-natal / perinatal mental health service in your area. You can self-refer to some of them and they are so helpful and non-judgemental.

@sienna4

I just genuinely don't know how I'm ever going to get past this feeling, even with some help.

The virus will be around for a long time, my fears and my risks aren't going to go away.
I just don't see how.

Honestly I don't.

But a lot of that fear is your anxiety working on your emotions.

You need to try to start to believe that

You will get help

The help will be effective

You will start to feel stinger emotionally.

I know it seems as though you have a mountain to climb, but looking at the mountain and saying it is too high to climb will only make it seem higher. You need to start walking through the beautiful grassy meadows at the foot of the mountain, they aren't high, they are pleasant to walk through, they will not make you feel anxious and they are the start of your journey . When you start walking through them you will start to see that the pathways up the mountain are not as steep or rocky as you thought they might be.

And the way to start walking in those meadows is to make a phone call to your GP and say you need help. If that seems a step too far then could you call your health visitor, or even your midwife to ask for their advice and say how anxious you are. You aren't the first new mum to feel overwhelmed by a new baby and your new responsibilities, and having anxiety and a new baby in 2020 has been an unfair and cruel double whammy.

You were strong enough to grow and nourish a new life in your body, you are strong enough to do this.

Stronger not stinger!

It is difficult when friends start undertaking behaviour that you consider risky. We're having similar conversations atm because some of our extended family are acting as though there wasn't a pandemic at all.
However, lots of people will feel the same as you - in that there are still risks and we need to try to balance and respect them.
But, I do think you could have PND too. And it's important to speak to your GP or HV. Treating your PND won't solve Covid but it will allow you to find the joy in the everyday, to enjoy your baby without constantly worrying about mortality.
I'm so sorry this is blighting what could be a lovely time for you all.

You have had a lot of great advice about seeking help OP so I won’t receive that.

This sentence stood out for me, along with the sentence about the risk not changing:

I have inflammatory arthritis (not medicated) and a BMI of 36 so feel my chances would not be good.

Even knowing nothing about you, I know for a fact this statement is untrue.

First: you are a woman of childbearing age. If you get it, your risk from Covid is minuscule. No matter what your risk factors.

Second, prevalence in the community is very low. Your chances of coming across someone with the virus is small, and the chance of them giving it to you if you are taking normal precautions is even lower. (Remember that most people with Covid don’t transmit it to others or don’t transmit it much.)

And even if you were unlucky enough to catch it, and even if you were then in the minority who catch it who have symptoms, and then in the minority with symptoms, and then in the small minority of people with symptoms who have severe disease - then it is still a very high likelihood that you would be fine. Even with risk factors.

I know it’s hard to see that when you are in the depths of anxiety. Remember that risk does change - both in the community, and you can change your own risk with exercise to make sure your heart, lung, circulatory and mental health are in good shape. And please do talk to your GP or HV.

Hi OP,

Like you I spent alot of time extremely nervous about catching it. The first couple of months were spent terrified to leave the house. My youngest was still a baby when it hit the UK (she's just over 1 now)

My immune system isn't great, I'm a little overweight and I smoke. If you'd have asked me what I thought my chances were I would have said not great.

I then caught covid (I'm positive at the moment) and I can assure you I'm ok. My children are ok. If it weren't for my positive result I would be out and about as normal, carrying on with life. This is one of the least debilitating illnesses I've had.

For the vast majority of people it's nothing more than a cold or mild flu. For many they have no symptoms at all. I'm not saying that to take away from the people who have suffered terribly, just to reassure you that those are in the minority.

Another voice saying please see your GP/HV. I suffered from post-natal anxiety after DC1, and didn't do anything about it. This was a mistake. I had CBT some years later, which was helpful; I got the appointment via the GP.

Given your anxiety, there's no point in me telling you that your Covid risk is absolutely tiny, and that the mental health risks to you and your baby are far higher than any risks associated with Covid if you withdraw from the outside world long term.

Please, please try to get help. I know you don't believe it will work, but it has to worth a try.

@Orangeblossom78

A recent case series published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that compared to the general population, people with autoimmune diseases (psoriasis, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and inflammatory bowel disease) had a lower rate of hospitalization. The patients were also more apt to be hospitalized if they had co-occurring high blood pressure, diabetes, or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). What’s more, the researchers determined that “baseline use of biologics [in people with autoimmune disease] is not associated with worse COVID-19 findings.”

I've been wondering about this. Thanks for the link. Some experts believe it's a vascular disease, which explains why the highest risk seems to be heart conditions and diabetes rather than autoimmune.

OP it might be worth speaking to your GP or consultant about going on arthritis medication. There's some indication these drugs protect against becoming seriously ill from coronavirus. Being on them might, if nothing else, help ease your anxiety over catching it? Also if your arthritis makes exercise painful, being on the medication could be helpful.

Even without the arthritis medication, it sounds like you're relatively low risk particularly if you're a female and under 40.

You can also feel a bit more reassured now masks are mandatory in shops, etc. This will help keep us all safer.

@sienna4

I just genuinely don't know how I'm ever going to get past this feeling, even with some help.

The virus will be around for a long time, my fears and my risks aren't going to go away.
I just don't see how.

Honestly I don't.

I'm wondering like others if you may be suffering from post natal anxiety. It's a thing. Ive had it and it's horrible and it does sound like you've described and mine also centered on health anxiety. It's often lost behind PND but it's its own thing .

I also have inflammatory arthritis among a few other things . You say you're not taking medications - I am taking three Immunosuppressants and have very young children and I am continuing life as normal (I chose not to sheild despite being on the list and getting the letters). I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or silly, I'm just saying that the inflammatory arthritis in itself without the drugs, doesn't put you on the vulnerable list. And whilst I am on the drugs, my doctors were happy with my choice not to sheild -- I'm just trying to offer a bit of reassurance.

I think you may benefit from going to your GP and asking for some help, or if you don't want to ask in person/ verbally over the phone, you can self refer to IAPT (Google it ) - it's the NHS mental health service ) without going to see your GP.

Without wanting to sound harsh, I do feel your anxiety is a bit high and it's horrible to suffer like this - so please consider some help.

It's also normal with anxiety to feel like no one could actually help you or improve things, but they can

Good luck