Am I being over the top?

[AlwaysWithTheCherries]

MIL has invited us over on Sunday. I accepted, said as long as the weather is nice then that would be lovely. She asked if we'd like a roast. I thanked her but said not to worry, we wanted to see her not have her in the kitchen cooking while we're outside. Well, you'll be in the kitchen with me, she says. No, I won't, I say. She asks why, I tell her because the rules are that you can meet in gardens but not inside houses. She then goes in to a rant about how over the top I'm being, I'm keeping her grandkids from her, she'll speak to DH and she's sure he'll agree.

I'm just getting really sick of this. I've followed the rules completely the whole time and I'm planning to continue following them because it's what I believe is the best thing for my family and our situation. There are medical issues which make this even more important to me. Both sides of our extended families have broken the rules in one way or another and that's absolutely their own choice. But I'm now being made to feel like I'm being ridiculous for refusing to do the same. Am I?

I've been very rule abiding. However I have gathered in a group of more than six. It's illogical to be able to see a family with an only child but not one with two children (we are a family of three).

It's really interesting to see so many different views. Like I've said, I'm making the decision that I feel is best for my family and our situation. I don't feel like I should be ridiculed for that. I'm following the government guidance, I don't think they've got it all right at all but I won't pretend to know more than the experts and every scientist I've heard speak has stressed how important social distancing and avoiding indoor activities is. So until that advice changes I'll stick to it. I don't break any other laws so why would I break this one.

If the weather is nice I really see no difference between sitting indoors to sitting outdoors. It feels like she's just kicking up a fuss because she thinks I'm being ridiculous. She hasn't contacted DH still but he's quite happy to just cancel the whole thing.

I am not even sure I know where we are up to with the guidelines anymore ? Is it 6 or 10 people we are allowed to meet up with outside , i know it was 6 but thought it was changing/had changed ? We are allowed to walk through peoples houses to get to the garden and use the toilet ?
I can understand you not wanting to sit down to a roast dinner due to it being indoors/close together/long period of time. Isn't the weather a bit hot and muggy for a full roast dinner ?

YANBU

Although there's of course a place for common sense and judgement, it's interesting that so many previous posters think you are being over the top for keeping to the actual law. I thought this was now beyond guidelines and it was now temporarily illegal to visit inside another home (unless you are living alone or a single parent and have "bubbled" with another household)

Sure, it's low risk but much higher than being outside so why not just have a gathering outside? I'm not sure why that needs to be such a drama for your MIL

Why would you need to be in the kitchen with her anyway. That would annoy me

I must say I have followed it to the letter but now people can bubble with other households I have allowed DS into his Nans conservatory and he has hugged her. He watched all the footage of single grandparents being able to do it and I know neither household has mixed. The fact that there are two of them (who are always together) to me makes little difference and I am not upsetting DS over it.

YANBU

the rules are all mental so I see why people aren’t following them but it’s perfectly acceptable to do so

Just cancel it.

She clearly does not care one jot about your health, why would you want see her. Quite apart from anything else, it is good manners to respect the wishes of others if they are visiting. She sounds really foul, and if she is like this about covid she is probably difficult about everything. She will be the same person encouraging brandy for babies that are teething etc no respect at all.

Selfish, inconsiderate ill advised behaviour. I am sure there are nicer people you could see at the weekend, and sit in the garden and relax and have fun without having to worry.

I’m in the same situation op. I’m sticking to the rules no matter what. Just because mil has decided it’s over, it doesn’t mean we can all do as she wants.

@damnthisvirusandmarriage Brilliant 🤣 I feel the same

I read an article from a scientist earlier lamenting the number of people not following the rules. They said that just because we’ve all got bored of it the virus hasn’t gone away or got less deadly. Sums up how I feel about it.

All my family have followed the rules as far as I know. Expecting you to break them is unreasonable.

@Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree

I don’t think you are being over the top. If everyone did this numbers would go up again.

In fact according to gov website it is unlawful to go in other people’s houses still (unless in bubble etc).

Exactly. It's relying on most people following guidelines, knowing some like your in laws will do what they want.

If everyone was selfish and carried on as normal then we wouldn't be in a position now where things can start to open up.

I'm following the rules to the letter here as well. Tomorrow is my MIL's funeral but I will not be going back to her daughter's house for a BBQ afterwards. I will stand in their garden for a brief drink out of respect and then we will leave. Sadly I think I will be the one made out to be bad cop as well.

friendlycat
the "rules" say you can socialise in their garden so why aren't you staying for the BBQ.
That's going to cause a lot of ill feeling towards you.
I'm assuming your husband ( his mum who died?) will be staying?

@hashtagbollocks

friendlycat the "rules" say you can socialise in their garden so why aren't you staying for the BBQ. That's going to cause a lot of ill feeling towards you. I'm assuming your husband ( his mum who died?) will be staying?

There can only be a maximum of six people in the garden though.

From gov.uk for clarity:

“You must not:

• meet other people indoors – including in their home or your home – unless you are in a support bubble
• meet outdoors in a group of more than 6 with people who are not in your household or (where applicable) support bubble
• form a support bubble with another household if neither you nor they are in a single adult household
• stay overnight in another household that is not in your support bubble”.

There are obviously a few limited circumstances where exceptions can be made, but for the majority of us, this is the law.

I find it interesting how many are saying they have made their own risk assessments, and they feel happy that, for them, in their particular circumstances, they can make different choices.

Would they do the same in other areas? “Oh yes I know the speed limit here is 50, but I have really good reflexes and eyesight and I passed my test first time, so for me, I’m quite happy with the risks involved if I go faster.”

@frumpety read Twodrifters2's post.

twodrifters
I think the difference is in the examples you give there is very clear scientific / biological evidence that eg. the faster you are going the more likelihood of injury in the event of a crash.
With this, the "science" seems to be changing on a weekly basis with the gov. giving out increasingly confusing and complicated advice so many people are thinking, well if they're winging it, so am i ( unless it's just me being devil may care!)
The other thing is that this whole lockdown isn't to prevent everyone ever catching it so now people can see there are vast numbers of NHS spaces it is now feasible for people to start getting out and about and catching it and hopefully getting over it

What would annoy me the most OP is that MIL says she is going to talk to your DH about it - so your opinion doesn't count.

She should respect your opinion and accept your decision.

She undermining you.

It's not about your own personal risk though is it?

It's about the risk to the general population and the country as a whole. If we had all ignored all the rules from the beginning, then the death toll would have been much higher.

I consider it my duty to do as I am told.

If everyone ignored all the rules and laws of the country we would get anarchy - why are these rules so different?

YANBU OP. I can't believe how selfish some people are!

The ‘science’ is of course changing all the time. Scientist are still trying to understand this virus and working at incredible speed to do so but can only learn as time goes on. Just because ‘the science’ is changing doesn’t mean that you should disregard it, that’s how science works. It’s constant review, testing, review, testing etc to try and get conclusive outcomes but this is really early days and it’s impossible to get a fixed view on it. Just because things change it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust it.

I do agree that there’s a political agenda at foot which is blurring the scientific advice but it’s worth reading the reports direct from medical and scientific professionals to understand why advice is as it is.

I really dislike how we’ve been led to believe that we should no longer believe professionals and listen to flimsy media reports and what “someone said in Facebook” instead.

The epidemiology modelling is based on a certain percentage of people not following guidelines.

So if everyone broke them, we would likely be seeing infection rates rise. People are able to ignore the guidelines exactly because so many people are still following them!

I think you're being over the top but it's up to you and that should be respected.

hashtagbollocks

Yes there will be more people than 6 in the garden after the funeral for the BBQ, people squashed onto garden tables for eating, serving dishes passed around, utensils etc. I realise that in not staying and taking part I will create bad feeling but there will be people present who certainly have not been following the Govnt guidelines and it just does not sit comfortably with me having a BBQ with various people at the moment.

Yes, much more important you follow government guidelines than support your DH and his family through losing their Mother.

Boris will probably send you a badge of appreciation. There might even be a clap for you this Thursday.