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Original poster

School Dilemma - me and DH disagree

70 replies

MrsHalloumi · 16/06/2020 00:55

We are in Wales and our 7 year old DS has been offered a total of 4 days in school before summer.

I really want him to go. I think it will do his mental health the world of good and although the 2m rule will be hard, I think he will cope.

DH is anxious. Partly because he thinks it’s too early to be sending the kids back to school. We live in Cardiff which seems to have quite a high rate of cases. But also because I have a health condition that makes me more vulnerable. At the moment we are both able to work from home, get online shopping etc.

We have never disagreed on any aspect of parenting before. What do we do?

No amount of discussing the pros and cons is resolving this and I can’t see either of us shifting on our point of view.

OP posts:

ttim985y · 16/06/2020 01:09

Similar situation here and still trying to decide. Asked DS what he wanted to do and he has said he doesn't want to go back. Says he's not ready but can't give me a reason 🤔 (think he's enjoying the extra xbox time)

it's tough and I don't know the answer but didn't want to read and run.

Original poster

MrsHalloumi · 16/06/2020 01:16

DS is desperate to go back. That’s what makes it so hard.
@ttim985y I hope you are able to reach an agreement. It’s such a state of limbo the constant discussions around it, isn’t it?
Being on a completely different parenting decision page to DH has really thrown me.

OP posts:

lockedown · 16/06/2020 01:16

We aren't sending our five year old to school. I do think that it's too early. And also we are able to manage well at home. I wouldn't risk sending your child in, especially because you are vulnerable.
I understand what you mean about mental health for your child and I have thought about it too. But these are unprecedented times and at this age a lot of kids are happy with the attention they are getting at home. Also, with summer vacation in few weeks doesn't seem worthwhile to me to take the risk.

ttim985y · 16/06/2020 01:22

@MrsHalloumi We only found out today that he would be going in a max of 3 days before summer. From an education point of view I don't think it will make a difference either way but as you said, it's the mental health aspect. both my kids have been struggling recently with lockdown.

aaargh I don't know what to do

emptyplinth · 16/06/2020 01:24

Our youngest child has gone back and it's done her the world of good. It was an easy decision for us though as none of us were vulnerable and DH and I both agreed completely.
Very hard if you're on completely different sides of the fence.

Original poster

MrsHalloumi · 16/06/2020 01:26

@emptyplinth

Our youngest child has gone back and it's done her the world of good. It was an easy decision for us though as none of us were vulnerable and DH and I both agreed completely. Very hard if you're on completely different sides of the fence.

Yes, it’s the different side of the fence issue I don’t know how to resolve. We have never disagreed so much on any aspect of our parenting before.

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 16/06/2020 06:33

Why don’t you ask DS which he wants to do and let that be the final decision ?

Like you DH and I usually agree on parenting, we have 3 DC and the year 1 could go back on Monday. I was nervous for him to go but can also see it might be good for him to see other people, plus I know he is weary of catching cv by mixing more, I am weary of the numbers going back up in a few weeks.

DH thinks the likelihood of a child catching it and being ill is very low (DH is a Nurse) and that it would be good for DS to see others and then I would only have 2 to school at home.

We discussed it with DS and laid all options on the table and asked if he had questions/concerns and addressed those for him. We also said it he went back and wasn’t comfortable he could stay home, we also said if he can’t decide that’s fine too. He thought about it overnight and said on Sunday he doesn’t want to go back, he will just go into Year 2 in September. So that’s fine, it’s his choice.

Whilst we were all discussing it I asked DD if she would go back (she’s year 3) , she said she would ‘because we have to get back to normal sometime’ so they definitely have their own opinions 😀

kingkuta · 16/06/2020 06:37

Its 4 days so in terms of benefit for your DS it will be negligible. If you are vulnerable is it really worth the risk for 4 days? I wouldnt even be considering it tbh.

Sirzy · 16/06/2020 06:41

For the sake of 4 days I don’t think I would bother, I think for most children at that age it would cause more confusion than good.

GreyishDays · 16/06/2020 06:43

When do the days start? I would try and leave it as long as possible before making a decision.
How are your hospital admission numbers looking? I’m wary of cases as they can be higher just because of lots of testing. I’d keep an eye on those and how they’re coming down if you can get those figures by area (I’m in Scotland and we can but I’m not sure about Wales).

TiredMummyXYZ · 16/06/2020 06:45

The risk to your child might be negligible but they could still pass it on to you.

Raindropsonrosesand · 16/06/2020 06:47

Well it's a zero-sum question - without much way to change the risk - so one of you is going to have to accept the other's view.

How much does your health condition increase your risk? For me, that would be the deciding factor.

I'm sympathetic to your DH. We're often more afraid for our loved ones than ourselves - psychology means we assume we ourselves will be OK (not always correctly! ). And the risk isn't only yours to take. Your DH is afraid of losing his wife and of your son losing his mother.

It needs to be proportional though. If you have mild asthma, that's probably OK. If you're on the shielding list, absolutely not. Something in the middle, we'll that's where you need to make your own judgement. (But finding out the actual difference in outcomes might help)

GreyishDays · 16/06/2020 06:48

I found hospital admissions but not by area, page 7, ‘New daily admissions’

gov.wales/sites/default/files/statistics-and-research/2020-06/nhs-activity-and-capacity-during-the-coronavirus-covid-19-pandemic-11-june-2020.pdf
Don’t think that really helps though as it’s not by area. It’s also not going down much.

Angelonia · 16/06/2020 06:50

I'm on your side OP, and will definitely send my DS in if I get the chance. However I get that thIs doesn't help you solve the disagreement with DH and how to make the final decision. I guess the only thing to do is to keep discussing it until you can reach an agreement. Maybe find some stats about the very low risk to children to help persuade DH?

Raindropsonrosesand · 16/06/2020 06:55

Oh, and I absolutely wouldn't make it your DS's choice when the big risk is to your health. Can you imagine how it would affect him if you became seriously ill?

You know he'd like to go and isn't anxious for himself. Now you and your DH need to make the decision, and be clear with him that you've considered all angles as adults and this is your decision.

sashh · 16/06/2020 06:57

Have you talked about putting in systems to reduce your risk?

So DS comes home, he goes straight to the bathroom and showers / bathes, your dh takes the clothes he has been wearing and puts them in the wash at 60 degrees.
And some that may be harder, like no hugs for 2 weeks between you and your son.

Do you have family near by? Or does ds have a really good friend? I'm thinking maybe he could stay with someone else while he is at school and for a week or two afterwards?

BillywilliamV · 16/06/2020 06:58

My 14yo is back for one day a week from today,she woke me 10 minutes ago asking where her tie is. She has not hit the ground before 10am for 12 weeks. It is an hour and a half before we need to leave! Children are not designed to be locked up alone for months. Let him go to school!

kingkuta · 16/06/2020 07:05

So DS comes home, he goes straight to the bathroom and showers / bathes, your dh takes the clothes he has been wearing and puts them in thewash at 60 degrees. And some that may be harder, like no hugs for 2 weeks between you and your son

For 4 days this just seems ridiculous to even consider. 4 days! And consider whether it will be beneficial for him. They are mixed classes, so may not even be with his friends and have to socially distance within those groups so not even be able to play or communicate as they are used to. I dont see the point of them going in when it's less than a week.

snappycamper · 16/06/2020 07:14

Same here. I'm desperate to send the kids back, DH won't even entertain it. Won't think critically about the risks, just repeats like a parrot that the scientists don't think it's safe.

I'm so frustrated with him. Why does his opinion trump mine?!

Bloodybackpain · 16/06/2020 07:20

We had a similar dilemma a few weeks ago. Dh has T1 diabetes but otherwise healthy. But having seen the positive effect on the DCs from going in, I feel we have made the right choice. School are v good on cleaning and hand washing.
Like others say, get him to strip at the door, straight into bath and shower, wash school clothes straight away

Herbie0987 · 16/06/2020 07:20

My 6 year old grandson is an only child and has gone to school in a class of 10. When he gets home from school he takes his clothes off in the garage and has a shower, this was guidance from my daughters midwife. He is happier and is sleeping better, we still can’t hug him but he is happy. You have to weigh up the benefits for all of you as a family.

HotDogGuy · 16/06/2020 07:20

For me it would very much depend on what your health issue is and how your DS has been coping with in terms of lockdown.
When do the 4 days start? If it’s a couple of weeks away can you say yes and decide nearer the time? 2 weeks at the moment is a long time and a lot can change. Your husband may be more comfortable with the risk at that point.
Can you discuss what additional measures you can put in place eg you don’t pick up / drop off, clothes taken off immediately and put in the washing machine, then straight into the bath or shower.

TW2013 · 16/06/2020 07:25

Same here but yr10. She is going because she would be so cross if she wasn't allowed. We have one of the lowest rates in the country and it will do her good to be in school. She will be doing GCSE work. There is lots of social distancing. We might have already had it. Still huffing and puffing. I am not sure I would send in a younger child in your situation but I understand how divisive this whole situation is.

BovvyDazz · 16/06/2020 07:28

How about you track latest cases in your area - discuss with your DH at what point cases would have to be before he accepted risk was minimal enough to go back.

Approx 5-10 cases in Cardiff a day at the moment (population 335000).

Knocksomesense · 16/06/2020 07:31

Me and DH somewhat disagree. He doesnt want our boys to go back and therefore I'm defaulting to him even though I disagree.

If I was uncomfortable with something I hope he would take my decision. I just figure why make him feel uncomfortable. But then my boys are happy enough at home so it's an easy enough decision.

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