School Dilemma - me and DH disagree

[MrsHalloumi]

We are in Wales and our 7 year old DS has been offered a total of 4 days in school before summer.

I really want him to go. I think it will do his mental health the world of good and although the 2m rule will be hard, I think he will cope.

DH is anxious. Partly because he thinks it’s too early to be sending the kids back to school. We live in Cardiff which seems to have quite a high rate of cases. But also because I have a health condition that makes me more vulnerable. At the moment we are both able to work from home, get online shopping etc.

We have never disagreed on any aspect of parenting before. What do we do?

No amount of discussing the pros and cons is resolving this and I can’t see either of us shifting on our point of view.

We aren’t sending ours. Imo four days will be of such limited benefit especially with social distancing that it’s just not worth the risk. By September we will know what’s happening to cases at least.

If your DH doesn't want him to go back, then you have to respect that decision.
This is most certainly NOT a decision for a 7 year old child to make. Don't put your child in that position by asking him what he wants to do. He won't be able to evaluate all possibilities, identify risks, understand implications. He'll just want to see his friends!

DH just keeps telling me how “the scientists” (whoever they are) think it’s too early to be releasing lockdown but isn’t giving me anymore than that. He seems so fearful. I’ve given him all the statistics about children being low risk etc but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in.

I had an early stage cancer that was successfully treated a few years ago. I don’t think this makes me any higher risk but he keeps talking about it like it does. I also have type 1 diabetes which I know slightly raises risk.

He says the 4 days will be of no benefit to DS. Especially as in Wales we aren’t doing the bubble thing but are expecting all children to remain 2 meters apart from each other at all times and the groups of children will be tiny (6/7 kids in the class). I’m just worried if he doesn’t go then it will mean 6 months + without seeing his teacher or his school. And normal somehow needs to start entering our lives.

If we can’t agree DH says his view should take priority because of how against it he is. That also doesn’t make any sense to me.

Mine went back because of mental health.

I'm a keyworker but we managed to keep her off the whole time by managing our workload/schedules/leave allowance. By the time they announced R going back, she needed to.

If you're not going to do it, think about finding him a mate to play with - in the park, parents there (but apart), football, bats and balls, tree climbing separate trees etc, just to give him some social time.

@Soontobe60

If your DH doesn't want him to go back, then you have to respect that decision. This is most certainly NOT a decision for a 7 year old child to make. Don't put your child in that position by asking him what he wants to do. He won't be able to evaluate all possibilities, identify risks, understand implications. He'll just want to see his friends!

This is DH view too. That because he’s uncomfortable with it then it shouldn’t happen. I get that but I think a lot of the reason he’s uncomfortable isn’t grounded in reality but anxiety. Should his anxiety be allowed to make decisions that I think are not in our child’s best interest?

@BovvyDazz

How about you track latest cases in your area - discuss with your DH at what point cases would have to be before he accepted risk was minimal enough to go back.

Approx 5-10 cases in Cardiff a day at the moment (population 335000).

Thank you for this. It’s helpful. DS is due to go back in 2 weeks. If that gets down a bit more hopefully DH will see the risk is minimal.

It’s one day a week.
Kids have made huge sacrifices through this time, with little evidence that they are badly affected by the virus.
Your child wants to go back.
It’s a no brainer to me.
I would send him.
I’m a doctor, if that’s relevant.

I think your DH is being harsh and unreasonable. He gets to choose what your son does on 6 days of the week, you can choose the 7th!

If you had cancer now, then absolutely not.
But as you are well now, I would send him in! It will be great for his mental health and seeing friends etc again. In two weeks we may be having days of no deaths at all, and the infection rate is dropping.

Unless you are going to stay in all summer and not so anyone else or go anywhere, then I think it is pointless keeping ds at home. The risks are shrinking by the day but will never be zero. Even in September and beyond there will be a very small risk, but one that your ds (and almost certainly you) will be fine in any event.

The peak has been and gone months ago, now is the time to slowly learn how to adapt to living with a small risk (everything is a risk lets face it) so this is just another one along with RTA and all the rest.

The risk to you seems to be very small indeed, and can be made smaller by sensible precautions. On the other hand, the benefits to your son are quite significant. I'm with you.

Dh is worried about your health. He is coming from a good place. It is only 4 days so won't be a huge benefit to DS but a huge risk to you if germ brought in.

You are prioritising DS over yourself as parents often do. DH is seeing the whole picture. If DH or a sibling was vulnerable would you still send DC to school?

"Should his anxiety be allowed to make decisions that I think are not in our child’s best interest?"

Nope.

Some resources for you:

ONS statistics on infection rates in the community (ie excluding hospitals and care homes):
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/conditionsanddiseases/bulletins/coronaviruscovid19infectionsurveypilot/latest
As you can see, the numbers are minuscule.

Local data (search by postcode):
www.covidlive.co.uk/

Children's Commissioner briefing about whether children should go back to school:
www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/publication/we-dont-need-no-education/

OP - who is spending more time with your DS at the moment? I'm just wondering if perhaps you are doing more of the home schooling and your DH has had less of an opportunity to see how much all this is affecting your DS? If that's the case, your DH should definitely take full responsibility for home schooling for the next week and maybe he'll have a better picture of how uninspiring it can be.

I would absolutely send him back, and I think your son is allowed a say.

For that amount of time, what is the point? Would it do more harm that good? They'll enjoy it and want to go in more, but can't?

Instead I would look at getting him some SD playtime in a park or similar with a friend or two. Or a sports lesson where other kids are around ( our DCs football, tennis, cricket, running clubs are all starting back with amended rules).

@Angelonia

OP - who is spending more time with your DS at the moment? I'm just wondering if perhaps you are doing more of the home schooling and your DH has had less of an opportunity to see how much all this is affecting your DS? If that's the case, your DH should definitely take full responsibility for home schooling for the next week and maybe he'll have a better picture of how uninspiring it can be.

No, we are both working & so as a matter of survival are sharing childcare/homeschooling/ running the house 50/50.

OP - have you considered that letting him go back to school for just a few days might actually have an adverse effect on his mental health? To allow him a few days of close to normality with his friends and then have it removed again for at least 6 weeks might be very unsettling and then do more harm than good.

Perhaps a compromise might be to get together with 2/3 like minded families in the school and arrange regular socially distanced homeschool sessions in parks or gardens. These would meet the guidelines of small gatherings of no more than 6 people outdoors and could go on right through the summer. Parents could take turns at supervising them and it would give the kids a chance to mingle safely whilst seeing adults and friends from outside the family group.

Doesn't seem worth the row with DH for 4 days to me. Is it really going to be of any benefit 4 days??

No brainer send him in. Read the research from Southampton from professors of paediatric infectious diseases kids their research shows kids aren’t getting it and they aren’t passing it on to adults either. Schools all need to open ASAP this is ridiculous now

Ok fair enough - it was just a thought!

Other countries schools have gone back - where are their “second waves” ? That’s right hasn’t happened

I would want my child to go back in your situation. Your DH is reading things wrong if he is worried for DC.
Your cancer doesn't make yy vulnerable.
Your diabetes might slightly increase your vulnerability but eg if you were a nurse or supermarket worker you would be expected to work. Your DH is obviously and to some extent anxious and it must be very hard balancing your child's well being with your DH's.

I see it as coming from a good place too. He must have been so worried about your cancer and that worry affects him still now.
You say you don't usually disagree so ask yourself why he's taking a stand on this. It seems to matter to him. He doesn't want to take any risk at all after contemplating losing you before. You may feel it's irrational and it probably is but I still think 4 days isn't worth falling out over.

I'm in Wales too.
I'm Going to send my 8 year in.
She's bored and lonely and I feel she needs to see her teachers and friends.
7 is old enough to follow social distancing in school so he's safe enough
My school is outside so we've been watching the teachers mark out the playground ready
I'm confident the schools will keep the children safe.

We've had emails to show the children which outlines what will happen at school.
One way corridors, designated outside areas for their groups, hand sanitizer for use.
Regular hand washing.
I know 4 days isn't much but it's a start and it's at least a taste of normality for them.
My heart breaks for the children, they've been home so long now and the long holiday is fast approaching

OP. We are also in Wales and like you I want to send my daughter and her father does not. I however read through the schools plan asked questions to her teacher and head (I'm a governor so was able to do this easily at the opening meetings we have had, but I'm sure your school would welcome messages). Looked at research, cases for the area etc etc watched the webinar with the school minister and teachers/unions. I honestly believe she will be less risk in her bubble in school 1 day a week than I am in tescos once a week.
Also our school is planning for this for the Autumn term. I want my age 5 daughter to get used to this with the teacher that she knows rather than wait till September and let her figure it out with a teacher that she wouldn't have even met.
I do think 1 day a week for 4 weeks will help her, our school is planning on doing some mental health stuff as check ins with the kids. Also doing home learning packs to keep children on task and motivated while at home.
Is there a way you can find out what it is that your school is planning. That way when he says that it won't be anything worthwhile you can counter it with facts. I also really think people saying "they won't be doing anything worthwhile" are really not giving teachers enough respect.
That's what I did. I made sure that everything i said was backed up by research and facts. Instead of just saying "it's not safe. It's not worthwhile".
I was on the fence until I did some research by the way.