School Dilemma - me and DH disagree

[MrsHalloumi]

We are in Wales and our 7 year old DS has been offered a total of 4 days in school before summer.

I really want him to go. I think it will do his mental health the world of good and although the 2m rule will be hard, I think he will cope.

DH is anxious. Partly because he thinks it’s too early to be sending the kids back to school. We live in Cardiff which seems to have quite a high rate of cases. But also because I have a health condition that makes me more vulnerable. At the moment we are both able to work from home, get online shopping etc.

We have never disagreed on any aspect of parenting before. What do we do?

No amount of discussing the pros and cons is resolving this and I can’t see either of us shifting on our point of view.

I think if I was in Cardiff I wouldn't send them due to the number of cases there(are they close to where you live?), but i know what you mean about the kids mental health. Hopefully the cases come down a lot by September. We're in Powys and all they've offered is 2 days for my yr1 daughter and 3 days for my yr 6 son. Seems totally pointless but they miss their friends and we haven't had many cases(only one death back in April) in our local area. So we will send them.

I really find it quite odd to talk of 4 year olds mental health at all. It seems a very serious term to use for tiny children. CAMH don't accept referrals for children that young. The idea that they 'need' school for their 'mental health' is bizarre to me. Their primary attachment and happiness is from their family at that age.

Usually on Mumsnet you get loads of people saying how their just turned 4 yr old is too young for school and can they defer a year. What changed? Lots of today's parents won't have gone to school until they were 5 and in other countries not until 7 but they don't have epidemics of children with poor mental health.

Appreciate OP's child is 7 but lots of other people talking about 4 yr olds needing school for mental health. TBH not convinced 7 yr olds need school for mental health either. The time my DS was the most unhappy was when he was bullied AT school. You see loads of kids crying going in up to KS2 even. Is school really such an unmitigated good?

Send him in. This is sbout your Ds's wellbeing, not your dh's fear.

Have a good plan for when ds gets home e.g. clothes straight in the wash, shower right away etc.

DD has just gone back and it has done her the world of good. It is very strict in terms of SD so the risks are minimal. Every single one that has gone back is a different child. Social interaction means at lot - and you say you want to do it for his mental health

Read the school risk assessments - they have come up with good ways to make it safe and the risks low whilst still meeting the needs of the children.

As for SD playdates - I am doing that for her brother as he isnt a year going back in England and trust me that is far more risk and difficult to manage.

I suggest you take everything out of the decision apart from what is best for your son. Think about how long he can cope without social interaction and risk the school risk plan (which should be very easy to access). And look at AnotherEmma stats.

But whatever happens his anxiety cannot be the focus. Your child's best interests should be

He doesn't need school. He needs a friend. We haven't had school here in Italy since February. Ds Will not have had a physical lesson for 6.5 months. In march during lockdown, he started to look really sad and down and was sleeping for ages. We have made a mutual agreement with his best friend that he can come round to play, and we meet up with his other friends outside at a lake now. Problem solved. It's not the routine or school they miss, it's other children. Don't fall out over four days, find a solution that keeps your dad happy for the next 2 months of holiday.

Our schools closed earlier than U.K. and will not be going back until September. DS (11) only has a tiny bit of schoolwork this week, then he’s finished for summer, as normal. 10 weeks summer holidays for primary is the norm here.

I don’t think it’s necessary for kids to go back just for a few days, unless you’re really desperate. You just need to organise a friend for play dates instead.

I think you have to respect your husband's concern about you. It's easy as a mum to put your child first and think " My child is more important than my health risk". How would you feel if it was DH at risk?
For the sake of 4 days I would concede to DH.

I think the risk is yours and so the choice is yours too. If he was vulnerable, I would say to respect his view on this... but you're the one at risk.

I agree with Lannie.

We've said no to ours going back. Going to be 4 short days, not even full days, groups of 8. No guarantee their friends will be in that group of 8 or that they will get their subject teachers. Just not worth the risk of them getting it, or bringing it home.

But @Pluckedpencil and @GrandAltogetherSo whereas I agree (and have done this for DS who wont be going back to school) I dont think in terms of risk this is actually less than going back to school.

Outdoor playdates mean going to places now full with people not many of whom follow the 2m rule. DD came with me for one and laughed and said the risk seemed more there than at school where everything is highly organised

i haven't RTT but i can say i have sent my son in and it has done him the world of good to see his friends and be in a different environment for a bit

My DS is going back today and he's very happy and ex cited.
It will affect their mental health. I think you should allow your DC to go.
Even 4 days would be wonderful to him/her.
There are risks in everything.
450 people a day die from cancer. It was 36 for covid yesterday.

Re disagreement. Get a third party involved. Preferably a grandparent. Rather than paying someone who can't speak their mind as that would be unprofessional.

@Bookoffacts

My DS is going back today and he's very happy and ex cited. It will affect their mental health. I think you should allow your DC to go. Even 4 days would be wonderful to him/her. There are risks in everything. 450 people a day die from cancer. It was 36 for covid yesterday.

Re disagreement. Get a third party involved. Preferably a grandparent. Rather than paying someone who can't speak their mind as that would be unprofessional.

The grandparents are as anxious as DH so would probably fall on his side. I think seeing me so unwell has understandably made him wary for my safety/ health even now. Don’t know how to snap him out of it. Not sure if 4 short days for DS is worth the fall out with DH.

My worry is though that if I give in over these 4 days what’s to stop him still feeling this way in September. The risk is never going to be nil. It’s not going to be as safe as it was before (until there is a vaccine). And we can’t just stop DS schooling for what could be a year or more. I just don’t want the precedent to be that if DH is afraid he gets the final say. Argh it’s so difficult though.

Get him to read the link AnotherEmma has posted. Look on the school website and go through the risk assessment together.

Talk about is he happy about DS having no social interaction and staying in indefinitely (as if you are shielding) and not going anywhere

When will he be happy - if not the 4 days at school about park trips with friends

Your DS has been stuck indoors with the 2 of you since the beginning. Even if you decide the school isnt the right decision something needs to be loosened for his sake so what is he happy with and when

@Quartz2208

Do you not have access to a garden?

When I wrote ‘play dates’, I just meant having the odd friend round to play outside, in the garden. Obviously, if you don’t have a garden you will have to venture a bit further afield to find some green space to play, but I guess it depends where you live.

Here we’ve had a few play dates with a couple of DS’s friends so far. We’re lucky as we’re quite rural with a large garden. One of his friends lives on a farm and the other friend has a big back garden too.

Other than my weekly trips to the supermarket, we’ve been isolating at home since mid-March and it’s very unlikely that any of us will venture anywhere that’s crowded, for a few more months yet. Previously, I only used to drive into the city about 2-3 times a year for shopping, so it’s no real hardship.

@GrandAltogetherSo

As it happens yes and friends have come round here and to parks because for DS who wont be going back until September this social interaction is important.

My that isnt my point - at school SD rules are followed to the letter - DD is back and plans in place and everyone sticks to them and is in a bubble. Do the children stick to the 2m when they come round? How is the risk actually that much less than being at school.

I agree with your approach entirely and it is the right thing to do. And I am doing it with DS

But if the OPs DH is anxious he is going to have to overcome this as well. In many ways school with its highly risk assessed approach is safer than a playdate in the garden

If you were my wife, that I loved very much & had previously been scared of losing to cancer our child wouldn't be going to school for 4 days right now. No way.

You have diabetes too (it's a significant underlying) I think you have to accept how scared your DH is of losing you.

I would find another way to help DS's 'mental health' if absolutely necessary. Having one friend over or going for a bike ride/kick about, is far less risky (even if breaking the rules in Wales).

I understand it's the principal of the the decision making as much as the decision itself, but he's scared (& he's right imho) you can discuss what he'd need for to be ok for DS to go back in September.

Agree with pp - type 1 diabetes is a significant risk factor and just wouldnt risk it for 4 days. Seems a bit ridiculous and can totally see your DH and parents point of view. Even if the risk is low it's not worth taking as the benefits are low too for 4 days in a socially distanced school environment. What's the point of 4 days really?

AnotherEmma thank you for those links. They are really interesting. Yet another rabbit hole for me to waste my days looking at!
I, too, am in Wales and there have been so few cases confirmed daily in our health board over the last few weeks I am quite happy to send my children. Indeed I feel strongly that they will really benefit from the time and the break in routine. Even Cardiff seems to have very low numbers. The currently worst affected area appears to be Betsi Cadwallader Health Board, although this covers a very wide geographical area.
However we are not a vulnerable group and DH and I are both health care workers so pose more of a risk than most people they will come into contact with at school.