Heart breaking for DS(3). What more can I do?

[Thistledew]

DS age 3 is really struggling. His world has turned upside down and he hates it.

We relocated from London to my mother's house in a very rural area just before lockdown as I was due to have DD (now 8 weeks) and DS was getting really upset at being stuck in our small house and not being able to go out. So he has had the triple upheaval of lockdown, leaving our home and his baby sister arriving.

DH has to work- he is doing what he can to give DS attention when he takes breaks and before and after his working day but for most of the day has to shut himself away. DS is not keen on playing with my mother. She has limited mobility so is restricted in what she can do, and unfortunately DS seems to have transferred a lot of his upset at the move to her house onto her personally.

I'm doing what I can to give DS attention, and my mum is taking DD as much as she can, but it seems that too often I will just start an activity with DS and DD will need me for feeds or for changing or she will not settle with mum and I will have to put her in the sling. DS is trying to manage his disappointment when I can't play with him but it sometimes shows through.

He is desperately missing friends of his own age to play with. The other day a family with two young children stopped to chat to us as they were walking down the road. DS was in floods of tears when they had to leave. We've tried getting him to speak to friends on video calls but this hasn't been very successful. None of the nurseries locally are accepting new children.

We do have moments of joy when he seems really happy, often when I've managed to engage his interest in something in the garden and he has said that "I must be the luckiest kid ever", but on the whole his behaviour and attitude is deteriorating. He has regressed to grabbing and lashing out at us- for which he is sanctioned with the removal of screen time, which is a real hardship for him. It is getting increasingly hard to engage him in any activity. I try to get him to do one creative thing a day (crafts or Lego), one thing number or word based (numeracy/literacy app, treasure hunts, hopscotch, baking, pencil control etc) and as much physical activity outside as possible. However he is getting increasingly resistant to engaging in anything I propose. Today, he wasted a whole hour of time whilst DD was sleeping by screaming and shouting at me that he didn't want to do any of the activities I was proposing. DD then woke up and he was in tears that I wasn't playing with him and was doing her nappy etc. If I leave it to him to decide what to do he says he is bored. He hankers after screen time.

I do try to make a point of praising any positive behaviour and he has a reward chart at the moment to try to address some aspects of his bad behaviour.

He was mid tantrum about something this morning and just said "I just want things to go back to normal".

What more can I do for him?

My main advice would be to lower your expectations, and recognise that you will get through this, and do the thing that works best for you, even if the results aren't perfect. Parents are always being told that the slightest difference in parenting strategy will make a massive difference, but the truth is that if your child is stimulated and loved it doesn't matter whether you use stickers or the naughty step or just try to distract him.

Do what works best for you. If structure gets you through the day that will be best for your 3 year old. Some children lap up reward charts. Other children tear them up. Some children like the certainty of the naughty step. For other children it just adds fuel to the fire.

Personally, with an 8 week old baby, I wouldn't be using screen time as a reward. Either allow it because it gives you a break, or ditch it completely if it is becoming a point of contention. You might be more disciplined than me, but I would find it very difficult to be consistent if I felt sleep deprived and all hell was breaking loose.

This is really tough. Usually you would be able to just load up the baby and go out to a class or group. When my children were that age I had annual membership of about 4 different National Trust type organisations, just for the cafes and playgrounds. Obviously that is all much more difficult now.

It's ridiculously stressful to sell your house/have a new baby/manage toddler baby relationship/live through an international crisis/move to your mother house, but it sounds as though you are actually doing pretty well.

It’s not uncommon for children to play up when a new sibling comes along. They’ve had all the focus on them until now, and now there’s someone sharing the limelight.

Maybe reduce your battles. Don’t offer him a choice of x or y for lunch, but just make z sandwiches.

Nothing wrong with kids being bored.

Also, I’ve read on similar posts that people sometimes find explaining the afternoons plans help. Ie. I’m going to sort out baby /cook tea etc and in ten minutes, I’ll come and play with you. Maybe even set a timer, and say when it goes off, we’ll do the lego.

Part of learning resilience Is about bouncing back and adapt to unexpected life changes and you learn that by accepting, in the first place, that some things can be changed.

You have gone well beyond the call of duty by moving away to give him more space, your husband is trying to make him happy, you mum is trying but he doesn’t like it, perhaps it is time to talk to him, acknowledge his frustrations and tell him that as any other kid at this time, he needs to put up with it for a while and put his little bit to help other people in the household to deal with their own struggles with CV, like allowing you time with your baby or allowing his dad to do his work.

Personally, I don’t think that all this behaviour is due to the lockdown, kids adapt far more quickly than you think. The real issue here, IMO, is that the world revolves around him before DD was born and now he is no longer the centre of the family universe. DD is not going anywhere, you need to make your child understand that you love him as much as always but that he needs to share the attention with DD and take turns to get your attention, it will be less than before but the important thing is to make him embrace the idea that he is part of the family and also responsible to help out by being considerate, respectful and giving him a lot of appreciation for the things he does right.

Accepting some things CAN’T be changed

This little boy seems to me to be under an enormous amount of (largely unspoken, but possibly some explicit) pressure to be grown-up and mature and behave in a way that pleases you. That sounds harsh - I really don't mean it to be so. I know how easy it is, when a younger sibling comes along, to lose sight of how very little the older one still really is. But it's ever so important to keep that in mind. Some of his language sounds 'wrong' for 3 - 'I must be the luckiest kid ever' sounds like a response he has picked up from somewhere and learned because he knows it will please you (which it does - it shines through your post how much you are grabbing onto these 'moments of joy'). You say this: 'I do try also to reflect back to him the lovely happy things we have done each day that I have enjoyed doing with him.' and he will know how desperate you are for him to 'be happy' and for him to agree that he's happy.

A really important part of your parenting him now is to weather the storm. Lessen the expectations on him - programmes of 'activities', literacy/numeracy (he's 3!!!), attempts to 'address his behaviour'. You identify why he might be finding it hard - almost overwhelming - and yet you are at your wits' end as to why he isn't functioning. Tbh, even if there had been no lockdown you have given him at least a double upheaval (I would argue that having an additional person in your household is an upheaval in itself) and I honestly think your expectations of this child are wildly unrealistic. Ditch the reward charts (which always seem to me to be quite mechanistic), comfort him when he is sad, for as long as it takes; keep him close to you as far as possible, even when you're having to deal with the baby; don't suggest any 'activities' any more, put the baby in the sling and be led by him and what he wants to do - and so what if that's dinosaur battles? You can enter the scenario with him and lead it to a conciliatory end. Read to him with him snuggled on one side and the baby on the other. Sit down with him for screen time and talk about what he's watching.

I also wouldn't start too many overt conversations about feelings, tbh. In response to 'I want things to go back to normal' I would just cuddle him and say 'I know', or 'so do I', or 'lots of people are feeling like that right now, it's all a bit horrible, isn't it? We're all looking forward to seeing our friends again.' He needs to have those feelings acknowledged. My Many-Coloured Days by Dr Seuss is a lovely book that explores moods and feelings without an overtly pdeagogical approach and doesn'r demand 'happy'. Happy Hippo, Angry Duck by Sandra Boynton is nice too.

In fact, I would argue that the dinosaur battles are just what the doctor ordered atm. Aren't many of us pretty damn angry at the way our world has changed? He needs an outlet for that anger.

One thing that came to my mind is why does he need to do activities you choose? Why can he choose what to do? Maybe he wants to watch tv with you. Even he is nearly 4, he is still 3. If he was in pre school, he wouldn't be forced to do something he isn't interested.

I think screen time is fine - you need to be easy on yourself. At that age they struggle with transitions so there needs to be lots of warning TV time is coming to an end - “this is the last episode of Ben and Holly”. “Don’t forget when this Ben and Holly ends the TV is going off” “We’re going for a walk after this, put your shoes on”. “Oh there’s the credits, would you like to press the button on the remote?”

As far as nurseries go, is it a matter of policy that no new kids are being accepted? Even so I would call local managers on the pretext of asking advice and tell them just how much your DS is struggling. They might keep him in mind when lockdown lifts or if they’re able to they might take pity on him. They might also have suggestions for local playgroups or activities.

Also local Facebook groups might help too - tell them your child is new and needs a friend who is the same age and goes to xx school.

Or call the local school and ask if there are any mums with younger siblings due to start reception next year (they’ll know a few). I know my kids’ infants (or Children’s’ Centre) would have helped.

Also ask the local health visitor for advice too! They’re there for under 5s and you won’t be the only one in the same position.

Hi op,

You sound like a wonderful attentive mother and your little boy is lucky to have you. I think what the first poster said is right; he needs to be able to feel these emotions. It's a tough time for us all isn't it. And you have a move and new baby to contend with too.We could probably all do with being better and just being with our feelings thoughts and accepting them rather than trying to fix them. This is something I'm working on for myself and my kids.

If there's one practical change you can make its to spend more time doing physcial activities, preferably outdoors. Walks, exploring, playing. Children and typically boys need a lot of excercise and acceptable outlets for "aggression". I've got a toddler boy after having 2 girls and I've learned he really needs a good playful wrestling/tickling/rugby tackling type of play to get all that pent up energy out in a nice way. Otherwise he gets really hitty and starts throwing things.

He will largely be feeding off your vibes and those around him.
I'd agree lockdown is almost irrelevant to him as a concept. You are likely projecting that to him as the issue. Saying things like "when will things get back to normal" feels like a complex concept for a 3 year old to say. It sounds he's repeating an adult.

He's no longer the only child
You are focused on something else
His dad is there but not there and inaccessible to him.
His grandmother is there and maybe has her own projections about find it hard having you all in her home.
I'd say your guilt on your daughter arriving and moving him etc is having a big impact and your need for perfection. The fact that you want to fix it for him rather than help him to adjust to what sounds like your semi permanent normal.

I'd agree with the poster who said remember how little he still is. I remember that when my second was born. The first looked huge and seemed so independent but she wasn't looking back she was a baby herself.

Cut him some slack but also bustle along with things being normal now. If you relax into it he will too.

Also aside of this all he is a 3 yo boy. 3yo are challenging the very best of time!

To reiterate the PP

"You sound like a wonderful attentive mother and your little boy is lucky to have you."

Keep this in mind and good luck

I have a similar gap between my kids, and it was just like that when DS2 was born. I felt wretched seeing my once happy little boy becoming sad, angry and badly behaved.

Someone told me it gets better at 3 months, and it definitely did. The older and more responsive DS2 became , then more fun DS1 found him.

This time will pass.

I agree re him feeling your vibe and you needing to go easy on yourself, you're managing a lot right now.

Another thought I had re the not listening and the choices is to make a joke of it 'Hello, hello, calling DS, earth to DS' 'kijd of thing and I would also think two choices max at that age as more can be confusing. Does he like jigsaws, colouring, Lego? All these were big winners here for both boys. Also making Play-Doh is great fun. Chasing him, playing monsters all this will help release the screams and laughter that he needs to let it out. And keep up that dinosaur fighting!!

Bear in mind that lots of DC are really upset when a sibling arrives. If he were in nursery, you might find massive tantrums and distress at leaving you with the baby - he might want to stay home anyway.

Just agree with him a lot, to acknowledge his feelings. When he says he wants things to be normal, say, yes, so do I. It's not been easy for you. It's not easy for anyone. But what can we do to cheer us up in the meantime?

Could you order a couple of presents to arrive on different days from Amazon to say well done to him for coping during lockdown?

In a year's time, he won't remember any of this. Children have survived and thrived under far worse conditions, so don't overplay how awful it is. Count your blessings with him and let him know you appreciate him coping so well when he does (that thing he said in the garden is so cute!)

I would really recommend the book Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph. It gives you a really good insight into what boys in particular are going thru at any given age and gives you ideas on how to approach any particular issue. I found it incredibly helpful when my 3 year old was going thru a sticky patch!

As many others have said, acknowledging how your ds is feeling is important, boots are way more physical than girls so plenty of exercise is important, as are the dinosaur fights, car accidents and anything else you would consider to violent, it is his way of staying to make sense of the world. Get him involved in helping you look after his little sister, with plenty of outside for all the nice things he does.

Tell him about the house move, and try and get him into some sort of nursery even if it's only 1-day a week and you have to travel. Perhaps set some expectations of what will happen re starting school so he had something to look forward to.

My son was very motivated by watching tv, we used to let him watch 3 programmes of his choice when he was that small 1 after lunch and 2 after dinner. It worked like a charm because he knew what was happening.

I think sometimes as parents we're all very guilty of trying to shield our kids too much from what is going on. I have learned over the years that it is far better to give them an age appropriate version of what is happening so that they know it's not just parents that have arbitrarily decided something!

Are you getting outside for a daily walk with him and baby at least? Can you read him stories when you are feeding baby? Or, have audio stories playing, so he can snuggle up too?

My DC are older now but I do remember my youngest really struggling with making choices. I would suggest not giving him any choices for a short while. So just letting him know what is for lunch not asking him what he wants or offering any choices. Regarding activities just decide what you are doing when you are free to play with him and do that without asking him to choose. So get the Lego out and put some music on and call him in to you or just get the painting set up before you call him in. I would do this for a week or so then gradually start asking him to choose between two activities or two sandwich fillings. Even try with the activities being similar so would you like to paint or draw, bake or ice biscuits; not between playing outside or playing Lego instead. Children often struggle terribly with choice.

My dd is 5 6 in nov no issues here. Go on a bike ride (buy a bike) or a balance bike. Bake some cakes get some finger paints make a box for the cat my dd has literally made stuff all the time iv been buying pva glue constantly 1 per week!

Take him to london zoo it opens up next week

Or cheshire zoo?

Hello op. I don't have much parenting experience but I think DC mirror back a lot of what they see in their parents. So although (as a good mother) you are intensely conscious of his struggles; I'm not sure dwelling on that too much is good. Yes, acknowledging his feelings is important, but don't follow him too far down that rabbit hole, as he (with everything around him changing) needs his safe , predictable and comfortable mum and not an anxious one. It's a very difficult balance to achieve though and something I still struggle with.

Also, call me old-fashioned but I think this method of repeating back his feelings to him (I can see you are tired, I can see you are angry etc) can get intensely frustrating for a child as it would do for an adult if it is overdone or it is done without subtlety. Also it's frustrating to have these feelings emphasised when in his mind nothing is being done to change things. And I would definitely let him play aggressive imaginary games with his dinosaurs too! They are serving a useful purpose.

Again, I'm old-fashioned but I wouldn't let a three year old have access to any screen but the telly 30 mins twice a day: one half hr with cbeebies in the morning and one half hr in the afternoon. I concede I may be wrong about that though. I reckon a regular story time where he is the centre of attention and your mum is looking after the baby would definitely help though (and don't leave it to the end of the day when you are too tired).

My main point though is that you have a lot on your plate and your dh can't just carry on as usual (although he is trying his best). And your mother is never going to compare favourably to having you all to himself in your three year olds eyes so let her get on with supporting you with practical things and reserve her interaction with your son to "special time" with granny. That makes it a rare exciting thing and not just a less good alternative.

In summary: too many words and feelings and not enough action! He needs a load of exercise and a stable regular predictable routine (not easy to balance with the demands of a baby). I agree with pp who said he needs lots of outdoor exercise. His dad needs to step up with this. Do you have swings, slides, trampoline etc where you are? Can you take the baby out in the pram for a lot of outdoor time with your ds? It requires a lot of energy and motivation with a toddler for walks not just to become miserable trials so I really feel for you op

Firstly numbers and letters are play. I second a web site called The Imagination Tree -have some jam jars and put in 5 sticks with activities on them 'play dough' 'sensory rice' 'make a den' etc and get him to choose. Picnic outside for his animals and lots and lots and lots of role play. When we moved - I explained we could take anything she wanted -nothing would be left what did they want to take -the little bugger wanted to take their bedroom floor. Argh! Plenty of nice walks -put the baby in the pram and walk and talk. buggy board or whatever. I second special time 'reading books on your lap or granny's lap' . I promise you will get there.

whatsinaname I don’t think OP is struggling for ideas on what to do with a child. She’s struggling with the diffiuclty of having a young child and a baby at the same time. I’m guessing you just have one child?

Poor little thing he’s been through so much upheaval. Any one of the life events that have overtaken him recently would be unsettling so to have to cope with them all at once must be overwhelming for him. His behaviours seem like perfectly reasonable age appropriate responses. IMO It would actually be more worrying if he wasn’t acting out.

Don’t beat yourself up about this OP. None of it is anything you’ve done wrong and you and your DH seem to be doing everything right in loving him and coping with it.

Take some of the good advice given here about distraction and letting him burn off energy but most of all, go easy on yourself and on him. Make the most of the moments of joy and try to remember that all this will pass. Before you know it he will be 6ft tall and you will miss your bolshy little toddler!

I think it’s interesting you are trying to entertain him - I would be encouraging him to play by himself. Give him some sand and water and ask your mum to supervise. I think you are doing too much with him - phonics at 2.5? Really unnessary. Both my kids went to grammar and started phonics much later than that. Cut yourself some slack - you have a new baby it will take a while to get things back on track.