Heart breaking for DS(3). What more can I do?

[Thistledew]

DS age 3 is really struggling. His world has turned upside down and he hates it.

We relocated from London to my mother's house in a very rural area just before lockdown as I was due to have DD (now 8 weeks) and DS was getting really upset at being stuck in our small house and not being able to go out. So he has had the triple upheaval of lockdown, leaving our home and his baby sister arriving.

DH has to work- he is doing what he can to give DS attention when he takes breaks and before and after his working day but for most of the day has to shut himself away. DS is not keen on playing with my mother. She has limited mobility so is restricted in what she can do, and unfortunately DS seems to have transferred a lot of his upset at the move to her house onto her personally.

I'm doing what I can to give DS attention, and my mum is taking DD as much as she can, but it seems that too often I will just start an activity with DS and DD will need me for feeds or for changing or she will not settle with mum and I will have to put her in the sling. DS is trying to manage his disappointment when I can't play with him but it sometimes shows through.

He is desperately missing friends of his own age to play with. The other day a family with two young children stopped to chat to us as they were walking down the road. DS was in floods of tears when they had to leave. We've tried getting him to speak to friends on video calls but this hasn't been very successful. None of the nurseries locally are accepting new children.

We do have moments of joy when he seems really happy, often when I've managed to engage his interest in something in the garden and he has said that "I must be the luckiest kid ever", but on the whole his behaviour and attitude is deteriorating. He has regressed to grabbing and lashing out at us- for which he is sanctioned with the removal of screen time, which is a real hardship for him. It is getting increasingly hard to engage him in any activity. I try to get him to do one creative thing a day (crafts or Lego), one thing number or word based (numeracy/literacy app, treasure hunts, hopscotch, baking, pencil control etc) and as much physical activity outside as possible. However he is getting increasingly resistant to engaging in anything I propose. Today, he wasted a whole hour of time whilst DD was sleeping by screaming and shouting at me that he didn't want to do any of the activities I was proposing. DD then woke up and he was in tears that I wasn't playing with him and was doing her nappy etc. If I leave it to him to decide what to do he says he is bored. He hankers after screen time.

I do try to make a point of praising any positive behaviour and he has a reward chart at the moment to try to address some aspects of his bad behaviour.

He was mid tantrum about something this morning and just said "I just want things to go back to normal".

What more can I do for him?

[Cremebrule]

My nursery hasn’t opened annoyingly but I’ve got my just 4 yo into a new nursery for one day a week (only place I could get). The difference in her behaviour has been amazing. I nearly cried at her settling in session as she was markedly happier than she has been in months. All of the other parents I spoke to said their children had been really hard work. The lack of social stimulation at this age is very hard and I think children are suffering for it. I think it would be worth travelling a bit for a space if you can find one. The other thing to look at is getting a place at summer camps. It’s potentially a risk as they might not be allowed to open but it would be better than nothing.

[twinnywinny14]

Is he getting plenty of physical play as this is important at this age?

[LittleCabbage]

He is too young for a rigidly structured day. Forget the school work stuff. What he needs most is love and reassurance. Whenever he expresses negative feelings, acknowledge it (I can see that you are feeling sad - would you like a cuddle?).

Try to let him lead the activities a lot, and join in with his ideas. That will make him feel important and loved. If DD is being demanding, sit with both of them and watch CBeebies. Cuddle him, and talk about the programs together. Watch alphablocks and numberblocks if worried about education!

Definitely do not sanction him. He has had a massive upheaval and is too young to control his emotions. Just meet his anger with love. If he is lashing out, say things like "It is not okay to hurt people/break things, but I see that you feel cross/sad and I am here with a cuddle when you are ready".

What do you mean by screen time? TV can be good if shared together whenever possible, but I would agree with others not to give a tablet. He is too young and will get very dependant on it.

Try Aha Parenting website for advice and weekly emails. Great information there - evidence based - if you can get past the Americanisms.

[Motorina]

I am not a parent, so take all this with a pinch of salt, but he sounds like he’s really angry. Which is understandable! I would be, too, in his shoes.

He’s trying to deal with it through fighting dinosaurs but you won’t let him. So it’s bubbling up elsewhere.

I know when I’m angry, suppressing it doesn’t help. What does help is letting it out. I have a punchbag, or I go aggressively prune things in the garden, or go for a long stanly walk.

I wonder if he needs a way to express the angry? Smashing plates... drawing the things he’s angry at on a wall and throwing stuff at them... shouting all the things.

I’m not saying you encourage him to be angry. I’m saying you encourage him to own and express it in a way that’s safe. Anger is really uncomfortable - for him and you - but learning how to manage it is important.

[bumblingbovine49]

I would.let him play aggressive fighting games with his toys . This is his way of working through his feelings including his anger at how things are at the moment . I'm fact I would join him in that play when you can but modelling less aggressive ways of interacting . Don't judge what he says or does in play only if he actually hurts a person

[bumblingbovine49]

I also agree you should remove all sanctions and rewards for anything except the aggression to people.

[chocolatviennois]

My ds was 3 when dd was born and the first few months were very hard. Your ds might have gone through a tricky phase at this time even without the move and lockdown as it is hard for children to adapt from being an only child to having to share attention with a new baby. It definitely sounds as though he needs more exercise and i agree with others who have said that it doesn’t matter how he plays with the dinosaurs. I would also abandon the phonics and educational stuff and just enjoy reading stories to him. My ds loved playing with his wooden train set at that age. He also liked construction toys like Lego. Could he do some cooking with your mum or a bit of gardening.

[Teacher12345]

You say he is "supposed" to start school in September. Is he actually going to? Due to the current climate I know several people that have deffered their places.
My DD starts school in September but is emotionally behind by 6 months at least. She is going to be one of the oldest in the year so no leverage to hold her back. That said, with some one to one support over lockdown she has almost learnt to spell and write her name. I used mostly games to start with. Drawing letters in salt, playing snap and pairs with these..www.elc.co.uk/games-and-puzzles/learning-games/Early-Learning-Centre-My-Complete-Learning-Flash-Cards/p/540648.
Do you have a tuff tray? They are great for messy things. I put slime on ours for DD to play with or sand and bury their animal toys in it. Or foam and get him to write letters in it. you can set it up together, and let him play whilst you feed DD.
Pick your battles. Screen time was an issue in our house but only youtube, so we deleted the app. Let him watch things like number blocks and alpha blocks if he wants to watch TV. Right now, I wouldn't be taking even more from him, just change the way you use it,.

[Imnotcalledlola]

You need to put yourself out there a bit and find some friends for him-can you post on your local Facebook group? I bet there are loads of kids a similar age who would like to go for a run around in the park or out on scooters.

There are a few outdoor forest school type activities opening up here now which would be great for him-maybe you could find something similar?

[PlugUgly1980]

My 4 year old started back at nursery this week, just 2 days but the difference in him was huge! But at home it's going out for a walk/scoot/bike ride that is our saviour - can you manage that with baby in sling or pram? It can be hardwork getting ready and out the door and sometimes we get some resistance but once we're out it breaks up the afternoon for everyone. On wet days we purposefully go on puddle splashing walks. If you've moved to the country make the most of the outside space, explore, go on nature hunts, collect sticks or leaves or whatever to use for sticking later. But don't force activities. Get some bits and bobs out for him to play with but let him take the lead. Accept that things might not always go as expected, but relax your ideals.

[Phineyj]

Oh please do find a friend for him. We have linked up with some neighbours for garden playing (the whole family has had the virus) and it has cheered up lonely 7 year old DD immensely.

[yellowgecko]

Not quite the same situation, my DS (4) is an only child but I've had to WFH almost full time throughout lockdown. So physically I've been there but mentally not.

He became withdrawn, watched a ton of tv, didn't want to go out, didn't want to play, I felt awful, so did he. DH was the same, working all day too. After 8 weeks I couldn't take it anymore and we 'did a Cummings' to stay with (younger, non vulnerable) grandparents for 10 days. It really rejuvenated him to have their undivided attention. He's now back in preschool and his normal self.

Regular interaction with other children is going to crack it for you. And as pp said, take every effort to validate his feelings. Poor poppet has lost his home, got a little sister, no longer has the undivided attention of the adults in his life and is feeling alone. No wonder he's unhappy. Little boy is having to do some fast growing up. Good luck OP, it won't be like this forever.

[footprintsintheslow]

Another vote for leaving the teaching activities. Better to get him playing and using fine motor skills so things like playdough

Also can you use a baby sling so babies needs are met by being close to you whilst you are hands free and mobile to be with your son.

Can you just sit and snuggle and watch tv sometimes? Would he like that? How about baking or just decorating shop bought biscuits. At bedtime can you discuss what will be your special times the following day so he knows what to expect?

[Roselilly36]

You sound like you are all having a really tough time and you are doing your best.

My DS1 was very upset initially when we first moved he was 2 and a half at the time, said he wanted to go back to his old house. He soon settled he is 18 now, and we are still in the same house, his brother was just 7mths at the time it’s a big upheaval, and no harm was done.

Is there is garden at your mums, perhaps some new toys for the garden, water or sand table, junior swingball, trampoline. Don’t worry about the learning for now. Perhaps your mum can hold baby while you play or take DS out for a walk. Children do adjust quickly.

Try not to let it get you down.

[pigeon999]

Have some fun together, put some music on, tickle him and run around. Get some water toys out and invite over a friend. It sounds like a very tense and difficult time, I would be looking to inject some lighthearted fun into the day.

[Heartlake]

I feel for you! But do try to have one or even two of the longest walks possible each day, as PPs have said, lots of practical play (dinosaurs in sand, playdoh, small world pay, simple painting etc, cut and stick pictures from magazines) and cbeebies is your friend!

[LellyMcKelly]

Is your mothers house far from home? If not, you could include her in your bubble and move between the two homes...go there at weekends and let him go to nursery/see his friends for play dates during the week.

[blardiblabla]

I recognise so much of myself in you, OP. Trying so hard for everything to be just right, and feeling at a loss when you feel like things are too far beyond your control. At least, that's how I have read your posts - and I mean that in a totally non judgemental way.
Your DS has had two major upheavals that can cause regressive behaviour. I agree with PP's to drop the structured school focused work - unless he leads you into it. There are ways to bring numbers and letters into play, to keep the exposure up, if you're particularly conscious about school.
I think regular reassurance that you understand things are different, but that they will get better, is important.
When he does lash out/get in trouble, apart from removing screen time what are you doing? Are you having calm conversations with him when the episode is over?
Can you give him any tasks that will make him feel some responsibility and connection with DD? Especially those that interrupt your time with him. You mention nappy changes - could he be in charge of getting the clean nappies, or have a toy he can wiggle at her while you're doing it, so he is part of the process and doesn't feel so left out?
I think finding local children for him to run around outside with is a great idea. This lack of socialisation in lockdown is so alien for them, and it's of course made harder when you're in a new area so can't rely on prior contacts. My DS is an only, he was shielded (happily is not any more) and the difference in him when he saw other people was just flooring.
Whichever of the suggestions on here you take, have faith that you will get past this and have happier times. It's hard when your in the midst of it, though.
Good luck!

[AJPTaylor]

Have you applied for a school place. Are you looking for a house? Being able to tell him what is happening next may help.
Can dh book some time off to help?

[IncrediblySadToo]

@OntheWaves40

When you say screen time what do you mean? Watching tv? I think he’s too young to be on phones and tablets etc and tv time should be limited to a specific time then he knows where he’s at.

I don't know any 2-3 year olds that don't use phones/tablets, there's loads aimed at their age.

It's no longer a case of 'Watching with mother' at 1:30 After pebblemill at 1 or Magic Roundabout at 10am or you miss it.

For better or worse, life has moved on.

[tootiredtospeak]

My little boy used to love having his own baby. As a toddler he loved to take his baby on a walk and push its pram. You could get him to mimick all the things you are doing to make him feel involved. So I am changing DDs nappy your babys nappy needs changing too and so on

[LunaLula83]

Why don't you focus on making happy memories. Forget education. Also have a talk with him. Be firm and tell him the situation. Ask him to identify/ help him identify his feelings and then be firm and tell him what behaviour you expect from him. You might be surprised.

[thethoughtfox]

Please don't punish a 3 year old. They do not yet have control over their emotions and behaviour. His reactions are natural. Stop the action, gently remove him from the situation, remind him about 'gentle hands' or whatever and redirect his attention. Taking their hand and showing them what gentle touch is work well, getting him to stroke your arm gently and saying how lovely and gentle it is. You can make it funny and it gets a laugh and breaks the tension.

I always offer them a cuddle with open arms when they are tantruming. You would never think they would want it but they often do. Then you can hold them till they calm.

You can offer them something else i.e if you want to get your anger out by hitting, we don't hit people but we can hit a cushion; we don't bite people but you can bite this apple etc.

[IncrediblySadToo]

If it doesn't work out with the little girl you've already met, you might be able to find a single parent, who you can bubble with?

Are you moving local to your mum's or back near your old house?

Does he enjoy being read to? If he does order some new books.
Is there somewhere he can paint without worrying too much about the mess - if not maybe get an Easel for the garden

At his age B could name every dinosaur & what they ate etc. He lived 'real' dinosaur programs (our world) type things but also Dinosaur Train. He also live 'our world/planet world(?) 'real documentaries (quite gory) about sharks too, but also Octonauts. - they're such a mixed bag at that age!

He also liked 'being the baby' being cuddled like the baby/carried up the stairs, dressed, fed etc. Just for small parts of the day, but it was every bit as important as being 'a big boy'.

It's not easy, (without lockdown!) I think you're doing really well under the circumstances and it's mostly a case of gritting your teeth & getting through it, unfortunately.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Another one saying encourage him to have dinosaur battles and talk about what the dinosaurs are feeling. And if you are up to it, wrestle-hugs where you give him a cuddle and lightly wrestle. He needs to get all the emotion out somehow.

Also, discuss the house sale with him. He may well have overheard something so know he's not going back, but because you aren't discussing it feel unable to talk about it with you.