Heart breaking for DS(3). What more can I do?

[Thistledew]

DS age 3 is really struggling. His world has turned upside down and he hates it.

We relocated from London to my mother's house in a very rural area just before lockdown as I was due to have DD (now 8 weeks) and DS was getting really upset at being stuck in our small house and not being able to go out. So he has had the triple upheaval of lockdown, leaving our home and his baby sister arriving.

DH has to work- he is doing what he can to give DS attention when he takes breaks and before and after his working day but for most of the day has to shut himself away. DS is not keen on playing with my mother. She has limited mobility so is restricted in what she can do, and unfortunately DS seems to have transferred a lot of his upset at the move to her house onto her personally.

I'm doing what I can to give DS attention, and my mum is taking DD as much as she can, but it seems that too often I will just start an activity with DS and DD will need me for feeds or for changing or she will not settle with mum and I will have to put her in the sling. DS is trying to manage his disappointment when I can't play with him but it sometimes shows through.

He is desperately missing friends of his own age to play with. The other day a family with two young children stopped to chat to us as they were walking down the road. DS was in floods of tears when they had to leave. We've tried getting him to speak to friends on video calls but this hasn't been very successful. None of the nurseries locally are accepting new children.

We do have moments of joy when he seems really happy, often when I've managed to engage his interest in something in the garden and he has said that "I must be the luckiest kid ever", but on the whole his behaviour and attitude is deteriorating. He has regressed to grabbing and lashing out at us- for which he is sanctioned with the removal of screen time, which is a real hardship for him. It is getting increasingly hard to engage him in any activity. I try to get him to do one creative thing a day (crafts or Lego), one thing number or word based (numeracy/literacy app, treasure hunts, hopscotch, baking, pencil control etc) and as much physical activity outside as possible. However he is getting increasingly resistant to engaging in anything I propose. Today, he wasted a whole hour of time whilst DD was sleeping by screaming and shouting at me that he didn't want to do any of the activities I was proposing. DD then woke up and he was in tears that I wasn't playing with him and was doing her nappy etc. If I leave it to him to decide what to do he says he is bored. He hankers after screen time.

I do try to make a point of praising any positive behaviour and he has a reward chart at the moment to try to address some aspects of his bad behaviour.

He was mid tantrum about something this morning and just said "I just want things to go back to normal".

What more can I do for him?

[CherryPavlova]

I think your projecting the disruption and upheaval you feel onto him.
He’s three. Their needs are simple. A new baby will turn their life upside down far more than moving or no nursery.

I’d say don’t fret too much. It doesn’t sound like anything but adjusting to being a bigger family. Make sure he gets some attention- read to him whilst feeding etc. Make him helpful with fetching things and doing jobs. Allow him to be bored and find his imagination.
Don’t tolerate violence but don’t overdo sanctions. Use positive parenting as much as possible. Clearly if he’s hit the baby with a toy then you take the toy away and tell him it’s unkind but I’d try not to associate anything to do with the baby as punishment. He’s too young to separate his own actions from the baby as a causal factor.

I agree with someone who said get rid of screens altogether. He doesn’t need them at three. He will be happier and it will be better for him to develop skills and talents in other ways. A proper paintbrush and bucket of water used on a fence, wall or shed will keep him happy for ages whilst you sit and feed the baby outside and tell him he’s missed a patch. A little step to reach higher up makes it last longer.

[crazychemist]

Oh OP, that sounds really tough on all of you.

A couple of suggestions:
Can’t remember the name of the book, but I remember reading about how to speak to toddlers during tantrums. I felt like a total prat, but it worked really well with my DD. It said not to be totally calm, because then they feel you don’t understand (it compares it to if you went to a friend in tears because you lost your job and then said very calmly “that’s a shame. Let’s have a biscuit to cheer you up”). So it said to try and reflect their emotion, but at about half intensity - so if they are cross and stamping around, you say (with a sympathetic but slightly cross on theirbehalf face) “grrrrrrr, DS is so cross! Your so cross because xyz! Xyz makes you really cross! You want to show how cross you are! Can you do a big roar like a dinosaur to show how cross you are? Can you do big angry stomps? Xyz makes you so cross” and let them work out the big emotion with something physical (they recommend stamping, roaring, even hitting a pillow). Then after a moment you can lower your tone and say “xyz made you really cross. I’m sorry that you felt so cross. Shall we do abc (cuddle in my DDs case) until you’re feeling a bit better? Big feelings go away with cuddles, we’ll wait together” and if they want to cry or do some more roaring that’s ok. Make sure afterwards you do lots of listening if they will tell you what made them cross - it doesn’t matter if their explanations make no sense at all (my DDs didn’t!), you listen with a sympathetic face and noises “hmmmmm”, “ahhhh” etc. This strategy took a while to work with my DD, but after a week I noticed that periods of upset were getting shorter and shorter and she often didn’t need me to intervene at all. Wish I could remember the name of the book that had all this stuff in!

Burning off as much energy as possible sounds like a good idea. Lots of walks with your DD in the pram if that works? Will she nap in the pram yet? Remember that you can now do some socially distant socialising - we had a picnic with another family so that DD could see their son. We each and our own blanket/food, but the kids were delighted to see each other! Obviously the kids didn’t socially distance properly, but at childcare settings they aren’t socially distancing within their bubbles anyway. Do you have other families nearby with kids that you could spend some outdoor time with? (Not sure if your mother might be vulnerable, so this might affect whether this is an option for you). Zoom really isn’t the same to kids.

Special time with granny is a good idea. It’s going to take him a long tike to adjust, and of course as it’s coincided with your DD’s birth, he might be resistant to being “palmed off” on someone else. Does he have any obsessions? Can you get some new books about whatever it is he really likes and your mum can show him these - “look what granny’s got to read with you!” These can then be special books he only reads with granny.

If he wants to play lots of aggressive games with his dinosaurs, but isn’t being rough with an actual person, I’d let him do this. He’s probably feeling all kinds of frustrations, and needs an outlet for this, just like an adult would. Preventing him expressing it in a harmless way might mean it just spills over in other ways.

[Dinoctoblock]

I wonder if you’re giving him too many choices. Everything has changed for him, the world I’d going to feel scary and unpredictable. And now you are asking “Do you want to do this? Or that? Or we could do this thing or that thing?” And the responsibility is all on him to figure out the best thing to do before baby sister needs you again.

I think I would try to chose one thing a day which you know he will enjoy, don’t worry about educational things just something really fun. Tell him this is what we are doing today, granny is going to take sister and we’re going to do this. And then do it with him, even if the baby cries, even if he starts saying he doesn’t want to. Go for a walk and jump in puddles or search for dinosaurs, do feet painting or have a bath together. I think he will feel reassured by one on one time and also by you taking charge and setting boundaries and expectations about an experience.

[SionnachGlic]

You sound like a lovely Mum & things are all up in the air for everyone so accept that you are doing your best. He is adapting & is only 3...so it is very hard, he cannot express himself properly except to rage against these changes & let you see his unhappiness. Could you maybe let him have a time in the day after he gets up or is dressed, some routine, where you have little chats so he can try & talk about his feelings? So they are not swirling all day getting ready to burst out in a temper storm. Can your DH take little breaks & bring him for a stroll or play football, whatever, so he is not getting squeezed btw baby's schedule all the time. He mises his routine, the 1on1, his friends & his space at home. In his little mind he thinks he is going back to London? He is likely overhearing discussions (no matter how careful you are) about house moves /sales & maybe not understanding quite what is happening. I think you need to have a little chat about that sooner rather than later...

[Thistledew]

Thanks for all the great advice, and reassurance that I'm not completely mucking things up.

I'll try and find more scope for the dinosaur battles as I hadn't thought about that being a good outlet for his negative feelings. It's just difficult when he wants me to play one of the combatants and I end up having my hand bashed with a spiky plastic dinosaur! I will also be more patient with his endless and tedious games of goblins and dragons which involves me being an ice breathing goblin trying to take over his dragon castle, as he breaths fire over me. No more quips about how we end up with a nice warm bath between us!

We do need some sort of sanction for when he attacks us as he really goes for it and won't stop unless he is shut in another room until he calms down. Gently taking his hands or offering cuddles does not work and never has done. The threat of loss of screen time is the only thing that will now sometimes stop him in his tracks so we have to follow through when it does not. It has always been an issue with him and not just since lockdown or the arrival of DD.

I'm not pushing learning too much. I do want to encourage him to develop a proper pencil grip with school coming up but apart from that I'm trying to just encourage a bit through games to keep him stimulated. He enjoys number games and I'm encouraging him to play the alpha blocks games or similar as it is something we can do together whilst I'm feeding DD and he gets his screen time fix without just passive watching. I feel a bit regretful that he gets more screen time than I would really like, but the saving grace is that he does like programs such as Dinosaur Train or Octonaughts that have a proper factual content and he has learned a lot from them.

My mum does have a big garden and we have a good play there every day so he gets plenty of exercise. That was one key reason for relocating here as he was going up the wall in London.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. I will re-read and have a try of some of the ideas. I'm also glad that I'm not being unreasonable in thinking it is critical that I start to find him some friends here before the move becomes permanent.

[LockdownLou]

I’m a MH practitioner sometimes children can be VERY angry if you’re too lax with the discipline. They’re essentially feeling terrified because they think they are in control of the adult. You might find being much more firmer reduces his anger.

[LockdownLou]

Forgot to add it’s truly terrifying for them deep down if they have too much freedom and control (including choices). Deep down they fear that if they are in control then who is there to look after them? It’s actually quite frightening for them.

I have three and my daughter was like this. It was only since I really toughened up with her and laid down huge consequences that her behaviour started to improve and her anxiety decreased drastically so I speak as a parent there too. My boys have never needed such firm discipline.

[LockdownLou]

Sorry to keep adding threads, I haven’t read all of the thread but obviously the discipline needs to be appropriate for the age. The temptation can be to live and let live he’s only three and I get that but lashing out is never acceptable and often this can be rectified with what I’ve already suggested. I’ve worked in cahms a lot over my career so picked up a lot of tips over my time. It was certainly true for my daughter. The more freedom and choices she had the worse her behaviour and anger was.

She really is a joy now, but she needs firm and consistent boundaries.

[Chaotic45]

I really feel for you OP.

Re pencil grip and basic numeracy and reading skills please don't worry. My son attended a fab preschool but we had to school with no decent grip, unable to even recognise his name on a peg, or form meaningful letters. He excelled through you primary. Keep taking to him, read with him, bring basic numeracy into everyday life. Don't feel pressure to rush these skills.

Also I'd suggest that you do allow him to play games that he's wants to, even if you they aren't what you'd hope he might choose. Within reason I don't think you need to limit 'fighting' games, I think many preschool professionals would tell you that it is not harmful to play games in this way. My son had no toy guns, swords or weapons but still wanted to play in this way and it did no harm.

[merrymouse]

We do need some sort of sanction for when he attacks us as he really goes for it and won't stop unless he is shut in another room until he calms down. Gently taking his hands or offering cuddles does not work and never has done. The threat of loss of screen time is the only thing that will now sometimes stop him in his tracks so we have to follow through when it does not. It has always been an issue with him and not just since lockdown or the arrival of DD.

If this all works for you, carry on doing it. Children are different, and even in families, often require different handling.

I feel a bit regretful that he gets more screen time than I would really like

You and most other mothers of 8 week old babies!

[ChateauMargaux]

Two things stick out to me:
My daughter was 2 years 9 months when my son was born. One day I needed to tell her that just because DS was here didn't mean that I loved her leas, there was enough love for all of us and I loved her truly and deeply and it would never change.

Your son probably knows that you have sold your house and you will not go back. This is probably deeply unsettling for him. Find a way to tell him and talk him through the changes.

When my son was 3.5 we moved and he went through a stage of being extremely shy, desperate to make new friends but paralysingly shy when we went to classes. On the advice of a friend, I gave him some Bach Flowers, Walnut for change, Mimilus for fear of known things and in your case maybe look at Vine to help with the outbursts. My son literally changed from one week to the next, the other mothers in my family yoga class could not believe the change in the boy who his behind me one week and walked in first holding the door open the next week.
www.flowersociety.org/olmedo-article.html

[Chaotic45]

Argh apologies for all the typos in my comment below- typing in haste plus autocorrect!

[Sunshinegirl82]

My DS is the same age and DS2 is 13 months.

I suspect a lot of this will be resolved wHen he can play with other children. DS1 went back to nursery last week and is so incredibly happy to be back! Have you looked at childminders as an option? I suspect that is 75% of the problem really. Can your DH take some time off? Do a couple of half days a week? Do you have things like a trampoline? Tuff tray?

Do you have Prime? DS1 is dinosaur obsessed and we have watched every episode of Dino Dana about 6 times! It’s actually really good and very factual with lots of information about dinosaurs and why they behaved in certain ways and DS1 has learnt loads! In the later episodes Dana gets a new baby brother and there is an episode about Dana being worried she will be pushed out of the nest (obviously it is all resolved!)

Might just add to your repertoire of tv shows that are interesting for him but also have some educational value.

[ChateauMargaux]

Also.. it is unsettling.. I have wanted to cry, throw things and shout. This is a really difficult time and it is very hard to have moved at this time. Take care.

[ChateauMargaux]

Does your Mum have any gardening gloves.. might save your hands for dinosaur battles!!