Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Covid

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Dp going to a friend overnight

62 replies

ncqtime · 31/05/2020 19:43

Small baby at home, against my wishes, will not consider alternatives eg seeing this friend without staying over. No it's not another woman. No he didn't give any reason why it was necessary to sleep over rather than hang out in the garden or whatever. I find this incredibly disrespectful not sure there's any going back. I threatened to report him in desperation. I won't though. Please talk to me. He won't.

OP posts:
Redolent · 31/05/2020 19:49

That’s an incredibly tough position OP. If each partner has got a completely different perspective and risk assessment of the situation, then there will be conflict.

Personally, I don’t think he can come out of this with everything. I would keep him away from the baby for at least a week after his return, possibly sleep somewhere else in the house, and avoid physical interaction with him as much as possible. Appeal to logic and common sense, even if he won’t apply that to himself he can’t prevent you from taking steps to safeguard yourself and your child.

DasPepe · 31/05/2020 19:51

Ask him to respect your wishes and change the date of this. Suggest a timing that you would be comfortable with.
If he doesn’t follow - change the locks whilst he is out

Bearbehind · 31/05/2020 19:54

Are you sure the ‘friend’ isn’t covering for him?

That story is very odd.

Igtg · 31/05/2020 19:55

Would he have done this before the lockdown?

Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 19:58

Thank you yes perhaps I should try to enforce some in house distancing if he comes back. Not sure if that's gonna happen. Think he's gone for good. Yes it's a friend who he used to see overnight once a week ish before lockdown so I understand why he would want to I just think it's totally not on as it's not necessary and they should find an alternative way to socialise.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 31/05/2020 20:01

Do grown men really have weekly sleep overs?

Sorry but I don’t believe a word of this

ky07 · 31/05/2020 20:02

It's very weird for a man with a child and oartner yo sleep over at his friend's every week. Something's wrong there

PasserbyEffect · 31/05/2020 20:02

Sorry your DP is letting you down so badly (more than the going out, it's ignoring your concerns and not communicating that's a red flag)
New babies can test people's nerves, so in a way I may understand if your DP feels he needs a break and some space.
But if it becomes a pattern of behaviour, then that's borderline abusive.

borntohula · 31/05/2020 20:03

You know you're gonna be told repeatedly that he's having an affair now right?

bigchris · 31/05/2020 20:05

How have you been getting on in lock down ? Is he that desperate to escape to his mates hed ruin his relationship ?

Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 20:10

Ok not just prior to lockdown but also prior to me being at least middlingly pregnant. No I don't think they're secretly gay either. Point is though I feel he's put the family's health at risk for no reason and am hurt he didn't look for an alternative when I said I wasn't ok with it.

Is it controlling of me to strongly want him to not go and try to make it not happen, or is it just disrespectful of him to go regardless of my wishes? Or both?

OP posts:
Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 20:12

We'd been getting on brilliantly...

OP posts:
borntohula · 31/05/2020 20:12

OP do you know why he thinks it's necessary for him to stay over? Will they be drinking or anything?

hm246 · 31/05/2020 20:13

It’s a 100% disrespectful towards you.

Bearbehind · 31/05/2020 20:17

Grown men with a partner and child do not go on sleepovers, unless the sleepover is with someone they're having an affair with.

He might not be gay, but equally he might not be staying where he says he is

I’m not trying to be harsh OP but I do think you’re being incredibly naive to accept he’s telling the truth when he says he’s staying with a mate

Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 20:18

Yes they probably won't be fit to drive. But I'd have been happy to pick him up if he did it another time

OP posts:
PissOffStayAtHomeDogMum · 31/05/2020 20:19

I very much doubt that he has put his family's health at risk, but I'm a bit puzzled by a grown man feeling the need to have a sleepover with a friend. Even my older teenagers think that sleepovers are for Year 7s.

Samtsirch · 31/05/2020 20:21

I don’t think you are being unreasonable considering the lockdown situation.
I would say to him that you would be happy for this to happen once things are more «back to normal « but at the moment if he goes ahead against your wishes you’d not be letting him back into the house as you need to prioritise the health of your family.

Igtg · 31/05/2020 20:21

Will there be drugs involved?

Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 20:21

Thanks bearbehind I appreciate the warning but i trust him on this one strange as it may seem

OP posts:
Foobydoo · 31/05/2020 20:23

Something isn't right here. I would suspect an affair another woman or possibly drugs. How is he usually after he comes home from friends house?

Pebblexox · 31/05/2020 20:25

I have to agree with pp's there is definitely something a bit odd about this whole situation. I've never known a grown man to have a weekly sleepover with their friend, not saying it doesn't happen, but from my own experiences it's extremely odd. My nephew who is 15 wouldn't have a sleepover, unless he's been to a party (parents around of course) and it's late so it's just easier to crash, instead of his mum coming out late with two other children to pick him up.
Have you asked him why he needs to have a sleepover given the current situation?

BlueJava · 31/05/2020 20:26

That's very strange - especially as he has a small child. I don't think I've known a guy do "sleepovers" ever! Are you sure there is nothing else/no one else involved?

OlivejuiceU2 · 31/05/2020 20:29

It’s an odd one. I’d ask him to explain why it necessarily needs to be a sleepover (this is the odd part for me). Surely he can see his friend without the need to stay over.

May be write down your thoughts on it if you think he’s not listening to you or will create an arguement.

It does kind of sound as though there is a lack of respect for you, or definitely immaturity on his side. He’s a father now and should put his child before his own needs.

Original poster
ncqtime · 31/05/2020 20:31

Okok they get stoned and chat and watch telly and this friend lives near his work so it's convenient. Is really not as weird as it might first sound.

OP posts: