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Sacrifice my job for a job DH doesn't have yet?

85 replies

BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 17:13

I can't work out what is reasonable and what is not anymore - please help me sort out what we should consider doing in this situation!

We have a 2.5 year old DS who normally attends nursery full time. I work 3 days a week at a job I really love and which is very fulfilling and meaningful to me. I trained a long time to be able to do the work. Although the nature of my job means I am unable to work from home with a child in the throes of the terrible 2s, I have not been furloughed (I think because my manager thinks it makes our department look better to say everyone's working). My colleagues without children and with private space at home have been able to keep working at about 80% capacity. I'm doing bits and pieces of admin, but I'm not really 'earning my keep' work-wise, and if nurseries don't reopen properly until September or beyond, I'll be for the chop, without a doubt.

My DH lost his contract (self-employed through a limited company) at the end of March and has been looking for work with no success ever since. He's been having several interviews a week, but the jobs keep being pulled because of hiring freezes. Each interview is about 4 hours long, and involves hours of technical tasks to do in advance. Trying to get a job in his field is more or less a full time job in itself. He is finding this all extremely stressful, and I am finding it very hard keeping our DS quietly occupied while the interviews go on upstairs in our relatively small house.

In normal circumstances, my DH earns about 7 times as much as I do. If he were in work, I would accept that my job had to take the hit and I would ask to be furloughed.

However, my workplace is re-opening around the end of May and want me go in to the office where I could return to some of my normal duties. There might full-time work if I wanted it, and though it would be very tight, we could live on that salary. As my DS's nursery looks extremely unlikely to be up and running on 1 June, I have asked DH if he would consider doing childcare 2 days a week in the first instance, so I can return to some productivity at work. He doesn't think this makes sense, saying the best way I can support the family is to look after DS while he finds another job, as he has the far greater earning potential.

I do get that. But, given that the economy is about to tank like never before in living memory, though, there is every chance that he might not find a job for months; it seems daft to me to risk the one income we do have when there is an adult at home who could look after DS.

My job is with a reputable organisation that will survive the pandemic with no trouble. Good pension, good benefits. I just worry that if I throw it over and DH is unemployed for the next year or whatever I will really regret it and probably be very resentful.

What should we do? Is a job in hand worth 2 in the bush, so to speak Grin? I am so stressed I don't feel like I can think clearly about it anymore.

OP posts:
pfrench · 25/05/2020 10:33

There's going to be a lot of this 'reassessing role in family' stuff going on over the next year or so. My partner earns more than me, and I've had to work around him during lockdown. We have shared the childcare roughly, but I'm working late at night and stuff to accommodate him being available during office hours. I had to point out the other day that him doing his performance review for 2 hours on Friday afternoon was not more important than me actually doing my fricking job. Anyway, he is more likely to lose his in a recession than I am, so I've started putting my foot down.

He's being selfish. He should be doing childcare enough for you to work at 80% on your working days, same as your colleagues.

Enchantmentz · 25/05/2020 12:22

He is being unreasonable, your job is secure and he can fill in the childcare needs until nurseries and childcare options open up. Then he can interview until his hearts content. It is not worth risking your only household income for something that isn't existent yet. It is temporary so he he should suck it up.

BombyliusMajor · 25/05/2020 13:08

Thanks everyone for your replies. Update is that he’s at final interview stage for a job he really wants, and quite a few more jobs have been advertised over the past week that are right in his area of expertise, so he feels more confident about the hiring processes for them. Now that he’s not climbing the walls with anxiety, we’re in agreement about the importance of my work, and everything feels much more manageable. He’s also agreed to keep on top of his Citalopram (which he’d only been taking erratically) as we have learned that when one person is an anxious mess it spreads like wildfire and we all lose the plot a bit.

Nursery opens the week after next and I’ve got a place for the days I need. Ironically my own workplace has hit various snags and now can’t reopen until July... but I’ll be able to work from home in blissful silence with DS at nursery. Phew!

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 25/05/2020 13:11

Glad things have panned out ok OP. Hope he gets the job.

InescapableDeath · 25/05/2020 15:53

That sounds really positive OP, good luck!

BombyliusMajor · 06/06/2020 10:48

He got a job! Starts in 2 weeks. Phew!

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 06/06/2020 11:00

Great news! I was going to suggest a nanny if the nursery hadn’t panned out.

DS went back on Monday and is loving it!

BombyliusMajor · 06/06/2020 16:48

Thanks @Sunshinegirl82! I'm so glad the return to nursery has gone well for your DS! We start back next week!

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 06/06/2020 18:12

He’s also agreed to keep on top of his Citalopram (which he’d only been taking erratically)

That is a big problem, citalopram makes a lot of people feel worse if not taken every day. hope it's all ok

KellyHall · 06/06/2020 18:19

I'm so pleased for you all Flowers

This situation is sparking anxiety in a lot of people. It's really good to hear your life is falling back in to place.

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