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Sacrifice my job for a job DH doesn't have yet?

85 replies

BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 17:13

I can't work out what is reasonable and what is not anymore - please help me sort out what we should consider doing in this situation!

We have a 2.5 year old DS who normally attends nursery full time. I work 3 days a week at a job I really love and which is very fulfilling and meaningful to me. I trained a long time to be able to do the work. Although the nature of my job means I am unable to work from home with a child in the throes of the terrible 2s, I have not been furloughed (I think because my manager thinks it makes our department look better to say everyone's working). My colleagues without children and with private space at home have been able to keep working at about 80% capacity. I'm doing bits and pieces of admin, but I'm not really 'earning my keep' work-wise, and if nurseries don't reopen properly until September or beyond, I'll be for the chop, without a doubt.

My DH lost his contract (self-employed through a limited company) at the end of March and has been looking for work with no success ever since. He's been having several interviews a week, but the jobs keep being pulled because of hiring freezes. Each interview is about 4 hours long, and involves hours of technical tasks to do in advance. Trying to get a job in his field is more or less a full time job in itself. He is finding this all extremely stressful, and I am finding it very hard keeping our DS quietly occupied while the interviews go on upstairs in our relatively small house.

In normal circumstances, my DH earns about 7 times as much as I do. If he were in work, I would accept that my job had to take the hit and I would ask to be furloughed.

However, my workplace is re-opening around the end of May and want me go in to the office where I could return to some of my normal duties. There might full-time work if I wanted it, and though it would be very tight, we could live on that salary. As my DS's nursery looks extremely unlikely to be up and running on 1 June, I have asked DH if he would consider doing childcare 2 days a week in the first instance, so I can return to some productivity at work. He doesn't think this makes sense, saying the best way I can support the family is to look after DS while he finds another job, as he has the far greater earning potential.

I do get that. But, given that the economy is about to tank like never before in living memory, though, there is every chance that he might not find a job for months; it seems daft to me to risk the one income we do have when there is an adult at home who could look after DS.

My job is with a reputable organisation that will survive the pandemic with no trouble. Good pension, good benefits. I just worry that if I throw it over and DH is unemployed for the next year or whatever I will really regret it and probably be very resentful.

What should we do? Is a job in hand worth 2 in the bush, so to speak Grin? I am so stressed I don't feel like I can think clearly about it anymore.

OP posts:
Monkeymilkshake · 15/05/2020 18:04

Can't he set up his interviews when you're not working? Surely if you work 2 days a week he could set up interviews for the other 3 days!? Seems silly to give up your job now. How does he expect to pay the bills if neither of you have a job?

Powerof4 · 15/05/2020 18:04

The priority should be keeping a secure income in these times, I’d have thought.

BigChocFrenzy · 15/05/2020 18:05

Keep your job
It's the one actual job in the household right now

The nursery may not get going for a few weeks, but your DH may be years looking for a job

BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 18:05

Part of the issue is that he has had an easy ride for much of his career until now, coasting from contract to contract, and has not been prepared for the intense hiring processes that go on for permanent jobs in his industry. So he’s practicing for technical tests for hours a day, with the view that when a job comes up there will be no chance he won’t ace the interview. He is def not pissing around - he is just very obsessive about his preparations, as he is about most things.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 15/05/2020 18:08

No way should you give up an actual job for the sake of a currently non existent job!

Clymene · 15/05/2020 18:08

If he is looking for a job at the moment, he's on a hiding to nothing. I don't know any company that doesn't have a recruitment freeze.

The most sensible thing for you to do as a family is for him to do the childcare so that you can be 80% productive wfh like your colleagues are.

The fact that you're doing all the childcare when he doesn't have a job is jaw-dropping frankly.

Sauron · 15/05/2020 18:12

He needs to step up and do his share of the parenting whilst you work. Don’t give up your job.

TARSCOUT · 15/05/2020 18:12

So this is interview prep, not actual interviews! That's even worse! Definitely keep y6job. If he doesn't know it now aft6all these weeks on lock down, he isn't going to. Sounds like he's panicking?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/05/2020 18:15

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!

Good old cliche, but never truer. We are in a recession, you have a job with potential to work more hours. Do not give it up, you would regret it.

Your husband needs to be realistic.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 15/05/2020 18:18

DH can organise his interviews around childcare responsibilities.

Just like you would OP Confused

Funny how so many men are all for joint parenting etc until it actually has an impact on them

BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 18:18

No, he's doing several interviews a week, but prep all the other time. Plus fielding calls from recruiters, etc.

I can't be up to my colleagues' work capacity until the office re-opens due to the nature of my work and my house. My manager acknowledges this and has been very understanding, but I'm not sure how understanding she will be if I don't get into the office when it opens, on the grounds that I need to be home supporting my DH's job search.

OP posts:
BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 18:20

Part of the trouble I think is that my DH is denial about how long it will take him to find work. He keeps saying I'll have to scale back my hours again if he gets a job and nurseries aren't open. Whereas I think we cross that bridge in the happy event that we come to it!

Thanks for all your replies, it has been helpful to think this through. He's not being slack, he's just extremely anxious and obsessive.

OP posts:
LivingThatLockdownLife · 15/05/2020 18:21

Can't resist the gender flip on your update OP..

but I'm not sure how understanding she will be if I don't get into the office when it opens, on the grounds that I need to be home supporting my wife's job search.

Imagine a man saying that, oh my days!

cheeseismydownfall · 15/05/2020 18:22

You need to keep your job, and you need to work together as a team to facilitate your DH being able to prepare and carry out interviews, even if you have to tag team so that his prep time is in the evening after you have finished work.

My DH works for a international company that has always relied heavily on contractors to supplement permanent employees - many contractors had been there for years and they all contracted out of choice. Within a week of lockdown they had all gone and there is absolutely no prospect of any hires any time soon. It is a really shit position for your DH to be in and it is no wonder he perhaps isn't thinking clearly. But please, please keep your job.

CrocodileFrock · 15/05/2020 18:29

Hold on to your job.

If your DH gets other interviews or a job, he can do what the rest of us have to do and manage it around his existing responsibilities.

Mistressiggi · 15/05/2020 18:32

So is he being unsuccessful in these interviews?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2020 18:35

Are you sure he actually has all these interviews? Two companies a week are interviewing him for how many weeks? And then suddenly none of them can offer him work but the next two companies are desperate to interview?

BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 18:37

He was unsuccessful in one (he had a panic attack and cut the interview short). The rest he's had good feedback saying they'll be in touch as soon as the hiring freeze is lifted. Some have got 2 interviews in and then the recruiter has been furloughed; and since he's been put forward by that recruiter, the employer can't recruit him directly or through another agency by law. I know it sounds nuts but he's not making it up - I hear the phone calls as they're all on speakerphone. He has always done really well in his career - but he gets terrible stage fright about interviews.

OP posts:
BombyliusMajor · 15/05/2020 18:40

It's not two companies a week, it's 3 and 4 stage interviews. So the initial chat with the recruiter (30 mins) then the hour-long initial interview with the employer, followed by the technical task (2 hours), then the technical test (2 hours), then possibly another 2 hours pair programming or system design, then possibly an hour's interview on leadership or management skills.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 15/05/2020 18:40

Your DH needs to step up with the childcare on the three days you work so you can perform at your best and hang onto your job. There are four other days in the week that he can prep and do interviews.
I think it is very disrespectful of your achievements to load the childcare onto you on your three working days. Protect yourself and your own earning potential. He sounds like he has a serious sexist attitude problem. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and you love what you do.

PicsInRed · 15/05/2020 18:40

If the sexes were reversed here, your DH's idea would be considered laughable madness. Yes he has earned more, but right now he earns zero, with few prospects.

Secure work, a good pension, you actually have a job in the greatest UK economic crisis since at least the early 1700s...yeah, you need to keep that job.

DO NOT GIVE UP THAT JOB. 💐

The one caution I would add, be careful he isnt technically the primary parent if you separate. Just keep that in mind and get childcare and a job for DH in place asap.

Butterymuffin · 15/05/2020 18:40

A woman would be expected to find some way of managing looking after her child and also doing an interview IF the two happened to clash. The idea that her husband should give up his job so she could prepare for interviews uninterrupted is ludicrous.

I also think his interview prep schedule is very odd. Plus, since the funding is being pulled for all these jobs, while in theory he might be very well paid IF he ever got one, in the real world wouldn't you all be better off if he got himself a supermarket job for now?

Elieza · 15/05/2020 18:42

Keep your job.

He should manage the childcare in between his studying. You don’t work every day. He’ll just need to make his interview dates when it suits you both the childcare.

Worst case scenario take annual leave if needs be as a one off for the day he gets a really good chance of a fab job that he’s always wanted. But not for every damn interview.

He just needs to stop being an arse and have a reality check. You’re the one bringing home the bacon now. That needs to continue.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/05/2020 18:45

Shocked at his expectation and even more shocked that you're thinking about it

Love51 · 15/05/2020 18:46

I work for a very family friendly organisation. I could take a half days leave to cover childcare for my dh's interview. I could possibly WFH in the current climate, during an actual interview. I couldn't ask to WFH to cover interview prep.
He needs to be doing the prep outside of your working hours.

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