Sacrifice my job for a job DH doesn't have yet?

[BombyliusMajor]

I can't work out what is reasonable and what is not anymore - please help me sort out what we should consider doing in this situation!

We have a 2.5 year old DS who normally attends nursery full time. I work 3 days a week at a job I really love and which is very fulfilling and meaningful to me. I trained a long time to be able to do the work. Although the nature of my job means I am unable to work from home with a child in the throes of the terrible 2s, I have not been furloughed (I think because my manager thinks it makes our department look better to say everyone's working). My colleagues without children and with private space at home have been able to keep working at about 80% capacity. I'm doing bits and pieces of admin, but I'm not really 'earning my keep' work-wise, and if nurseries don't reopen properly until September or beyond, I'll be for the chop, without a doubt.

My DH lost his contract (self-employed through a limited company) at the end of March and has been looking for work with no success ever since. He's been having several interviews a week, but the jobs keep being pulled because of hiring freezes. Each interview is about 4 hours long, and involves hours of technical tasks to do in advance. Trying to get a job in his field is more or less a full time job in itself. He is finding this all extremely stressful, and I am finding it very hard keeping our DS quietly occupied while the interviews go on upstairs in our relatively small house.

In normal circumstances, my DH earns about 7 times as much as I do. If he were in work, I would accept that my job had to take the hit and I would ask to be furloughed.

However, my workplace is re-opening around the end of May and want me go in to the office where I could return to some of my normal duties. There might full-time work if I wanted it, and though it would be very tight, we could live on that salary. As my DS's nursery looks extremely unlikely to be up and running on 1 June, I have asked DH if he would consider doing childcare 2 days a week in the first instance, so I can return to some productivity at work. He doesn't think this makes sense, saying the best way I can support the family is to look after DS while he finds another job, as he has the far greater earning potential.

I do get that. But, given that the economy is about to tank like never before in living memory, though, there is every chance that he might not find a job for months; it seems daft to me to risk the one income we do have when there is an adult at home who could look after DS.

My job is with a reputable organisation that will survive the pandemic with no trouble. Good pension, good benefits. I just worry that if I throw it over and DH is unemployed for the next year or whatever I will really regret it and probably be very resentful.

What should we do? Is a job in hand worth 2 in the bush, so to speak ? I am so stressed I don't feel like I can think clearly about it anymore.

You would be insane to leave a secure job that you actually enjoy which is pandemic proof during a pandemic.

It shows how little your husband values you that he actually thinks it makes rational sense for you to do that. A profession that's taken you years to train for?

What do you all live on in the meantime?

Then when are you allowed to get another you get another job (with an understanding manager with all the unknowns of covid)?

It's beyond ridiculous, it's absurd, you absolutely cannot leave this job.

It would be one thing to ask you to help him, for him to pretty much tell you he doesn't give a shit about your job.

He can prep and practice evenings and weekends or in a shift pattern. It's hard but we all have to adapt. Don't give up a job you value and love. Yes, he might blame you for his job woes but you are being the sensible one and it might just take time.

I almost think having something else that requires a bit of his time and not focusing so obsessively on the job hunt might not be a bad thing in his case? Both for his mental health and possibly for how he will come across in interviews. There is such a thing as being too intense as well in these situations.

Wow, just wow.

Keep your job and ramp up the hours!
I can't believe how blinkered and sexist your husband is being. Right now, it's about reliable income. If he is management material, he can learn to organise his time around his child, just like the rest of us do.

If he does get another contract shortly, you can talk - together - about sharing the childcare load. Don't forget, part if the reason his earning increased was because yours decreased and it's a researched fact that for every year out of work on the mummy track a women's earning potential decreases by 10%.

If it's any help, the Bubble babysitter app is now offering at-home help with nannies etc. They are allowed under the Government's recent announcements.

Keep your job!!
I speak from experience. DH has always out earned me significantly in high paying roles while I did fun, part time pocket money type jobs until 4 years ago when we moved to this country. All of a sudden the roles were significantly reversed and in a nutshell he's worked 4 different jobs at minimum wage with huge periods of unemployment in between including right now. It has destroyed his confidence and he is severely depressed.

I have had to step up as the main earner and recently moved jobs to a much higher pressure role on a par with the type of role he used to do. I won't lie, it sucks and has taken its toll on our marriage but we are at least staying afloat for now. I'm so glad I kept going as who knows how long it will take for him to find something else now in the current economic climate. He may be the best at what he does but sadly that's not always enough and the journey may be longer than you know. I sincerely hope not, but plan for the worst, hope for the best.

You had me until you said that he earns 7x more.
A long gap on his CV won’t look good, even given the current situation.
I think in your circumstances I’d do what it takes to get him another job.

Why is your child’s nursery so unlikely to reopen? Ours has already sent us their preliminary plans and sent surveys asking who is planning to go back and lunch requirements.

I'm still not understanding why he can't look after your child on the days you are working so you can give your all at work? I have 3 kids (2 school age and 1 toddler) and a job that involves talking to many clients each day about very sensitive issues on the phone, and I am managing! It's really hard and a massive juggle but it is possible.

Keep your job. It’s putting food on the table and the wolf from the door.
He can parent his child.
Should things change - he gets a job - then you re- evaluate plans then.

You seem to be making lots of excuses for him, does he do any childcare at all?

Given everything that is going on and is likely to for some time, I would not in a million years give up your job. I think recruitment freezes are going to be in place for quite awhile and what is your husbands plan in that case? Do you have savings that could carry for a year plus? Jeez he’s being arrogant and has his head firmly in the sand about employment prospects currently.

Agree with everyone else here. It is madness for your DH to expect your job to take second place to his job hunt. And if there is the potential for FT work when your office reopens, grab it with both hands.

He is likely in the current circumstances to be out of work for months.

Now it is his time to support your career.

Agree with other posters- keep your job.

Your DH may earn a good wage when he's in a job but he isn't in a job plus it may take ages for him to get one in the current climate. I work in recruitment and believe me it's a tough time to be job seeking.

I work 3 week days and my DH is a contractor currently working just 1 day a week (other work/ contracts cancelled due covid) and seeking other work. He does his 1 day a week job plus job hunting/ applications/ interviewing/ tests outside my work hours. It's not ideal as he's often working at weekends and after 5pm (when I finish work and he hands the kids over!) BUT he can do loads in 4 full days plus every evening and in our family no one's job or happiness is more important than the other- even if he earns way, way more than me!

No way should you sacrifice your job for the possibility of a job. Contractors are the first to go in a recession. I’m in a very stable industry not travel / tourism/ entertainment etc but we are looking at redundancies.

Even if he does get a job, you're still entitled to have a career of your own that fulfills you.

It's on him to figure it out, and take ownership of juggling his 50/50 childcare responsibilities - which you also do while currently working.

Keep your job.
Take holiday when he has an interview.

He can prep for interviews in the evenings. Tell him when he gets offered a job you’ll talk again but for now he needs to look after your son 2 days a week. He’s probably terrified you know..

I think you should try and get some clarity from your nursery and/or look at childminders - then you can both manage.

Good god please keep your job and have a serious word with your not so 'D' H about his misogynistic attitude to your career and childcare.
I'm gobsmacked..... really, this isn't good.

So he’s practicing for technical tests for hours a day, with the view that when a job comes up

Am I right that some (a lot?) of the time is spent practicing for a hypothetical interview?!

This is crazy! He needs to step up and help with childcare and let you get on with ensuring money is coming into house.

Even if he “only” devoted 5 half days that should be plenty and you’d be able to take on more than the “bits and pieces” you’re currently managing.

Remember most people look for a job when they are already in a job. It’s perfectly reasonable to say to recruiters I’m available any morning but afternoons are difficult.

He’s taking the piss!

So you are the only one working and the only one doing childcare?

He never wants to do childcare again from the evidence here.

He should be doing prep in evenings and supporting you the rest of the time. For all you know, he’s already burned through interviews at the only places likely to hire.

There will be lots of candidates like him. Not many reliable jobs for you. Do whatever it takes to keep that job.

He may have to realise that his identity isn’t permanently linked to ‘mr big provider’ who doesn’t have to do anything else.

So he’s practicing for technical tests for hours a day, with the view that when a job comes up there will be no chance he won’t ace the interview. He is def not pissing around - he is just very obsessive about his preparations, as he is about most things

He's presenting all of this as things he "must" do - but plenty of parents study in the evenings, and manage households or jobs during the working day.

My suspicion is that he's doing the preparation for pleasure, because he enjoys. And that he only values his work, and not yours.

He's very disrespectful of you, and your job, and the fact that it's the only income you both have at the moment.

And it makes me wonder - pre COVID-19, what did you do for him, or to facilitate him, being able to earn 7 times your salary? I imagine that you've sacrificed a lot (all?) of your spare time to enable him to learn & earn; have you had equal time to study to get ahead in your own job?

He's going to have to adjust to not valuing himself (and you) by your respective salaries.

He has always done really well in his career - but he gets terrible stage fright about interviews

He really needs to grow up emotionally.

• Learn some techniques to deal with panic & stage-fright. There are basic simple techniques, but he has to want to learn new patterns of behaviour

Stop valuing himself - and you* by how much he earns

• Think about your needs, rather than seeing himself at the centre of all family concerns.

These things are hard to do if you've built an identity through success at work, but - he's a grown up. At the moment, we all have to cope.

100% agree with everyone else, I think you would be mad to give up your job in the current circumstances. As others have pointed out his income may normally be 7x yours but at the moment it equals a big fat zero. Any chance you could increase your days?

Your DH is going to have to accept he is not in a position to earn money at present so the alternative is that you do and he looks after your child while this scenario continues.

I'm intrigued. What job interview requires hours spent doing technical tasks?

Any update @BombyliusMajor

You would be mad to give up your job. You absolutely must hang onto it.
I’m in your dps position. I am having multiple interviews per company with technical preparation required. Dp is physically at work every day, leaves about 6am and back roughly 6:30. Until very recently I have had the kids in childcare but not full time, so I’ve scheduled interviews around the days I don’t have them. I get them breakfast and to childcare and home and prep dinner and do the washing etc while job interview prepping. I’m often up at midnight to compensate for the all the admin childcare hours during the day. So I absolutely believe the prep is needed - it’s like an exam, which people obviously study for! But he has to fit it in around the job you have and childcare. Hobbies are off the table mostly as I don’t have time and I’m very stressed, but deal with it!!