I made my little girl cry

[XxrosesxX]

So today my DD school sent out the rough plan of action for June 1st. Up until this point I had been hopeful my five year old could go back to her "normal" school life for a term before summer and year one.

I knew they were going to perhaps have less kids in. But opening the email today I just feel it's wrong to be opening. They are removing alot of toys, books and furnishing from the classroom. There will be strict rules in place and social distancing will be in place but they are warning us now it won't happen! Then it goes on to explain they may be in different classes with different teachers. They will be in smaller groups. All this will depend on the staff levels. Also they won't be allowed near other year groups and pick up times will be staggered.

My DD has been fine. I've kept it light. There
are germs. They are being cleaned. Then you can go back to school. I tried to gently explain and talk to her today. I explained she was allowed to maybe go back to school in two weeks. I explained how it might be different. Her eyes welled up. She nodded at Me. I asked her why she looked sad. She burst into tears and asked me if she will ever be in her classroom again and she didn't want to go into year one. I told her I didn't know who she would be with but some of her friends will be there. She carried on crying. I told her she was ok to stay with mummy until September. She wiped her eyes and said I'll stay here I think until the germs are gone.

I'm just sad for her. Isn't it horrible having to try and do the best for your child. One option is to go 5 months without her lovely school routine. The other is to send her to a strict place where she could pick up allsorts if anxieties.

I really don't want her worried,anxious and emotional. I feel like I can't fully protect her from the truth. I think she is starting to realise today what's going on and it's making her sad.

I'm sad for her. All that routine she had built up. Her relationship with her teacher. Her little friends who has started inviting her to parties. She will never be with those kids again in her first class again. Theres 3 classes next year so only 1/3 will be in with her.

I know she will be ok. But tonight Ive sent the form to say I won't be sending her. So therefore it's official. She won't be going back into reception. That first year is over. Whilst it's not the most important educationally it sets the foundations.

To be honest I'm not hopeful that schools will be running normally in September either. It's all a mess. All the money we've wasted on uniforms etc.

I know we are lucky to be home and safe. It's just ridiculous how Boris is reopening the schools! Not good for mental health at all.

Children are far more resilient than adults where change is concerned and will adapt to new situations readily without all this hand-wringing as long as all their friends in the classroom are in the same boat ... it’s being different that makes your life hard as a child. Schools haven’t always been touchy-feely huggy places. Teachers and LSAs can still be kind and engender confidence in children without touch. We use our voices, both the tone and the content. That won’t change.

Too many parents make a big thing of long and detailed explanations. Children won’t know it’s completely new to us all unless you tell them. They haven’t been alive long enough to have their own clear expectations!

Pass “ let my school in each morning and a huge amount of children hug me before they go in...am I meant to put me, and my children, and my very elderly parents at risk by letting them hug me..or do I tell them not to, and for my little ones recoil. ”

Interested to know what your parents think about this?

Mine have been going approx 2 days a week while I work and my 5 year old will go back in June. They both like it now but were very wary at first. My eldest cried a lot after lockdown started because she knew she had to go back in to school the following week. She now bounces out of bed, desperate to get there. Yes, its different they have different teachers every day, they don't have all their friends or the same toys and they are in different classrooms but that's ok. It didn't take them long to adapt. They've learned quickly not to cuddle or hold hands, to play with different groups and make new connections and to get on with work when required. They are playing a lot of hide and seek, running races (not tag!) and sporty games that don't involve direct contact. Our school has a lot of outside space which helps and the support and communication from the school has been excellent. At the end of the day they come home and tell me about it. We discuss what is difficult, what worked well what its like having different teachers. I still home educate them 3 days a week so they get that input as well. They have ups and downs but it hasn't damaged them at all and we work through the emotions. I try very hard to ensure that any anxiety I have is not transferred to them and they are pretty robust little people. I hope the plans for June include the option of part time hours and I think the positive, can-do, attitude from the teachers and senior leadership team has helped immensely.

She will be fine, children are adaptable. She is familiar with the school and her year group.

They will try and social distance but it won't be possible.

I have 2 going back in June and you just have to see how it goes, it won't be as bad as what you are imagining.

Is it a done deal op as in you can’t change your mind?

If not I’d send her in for A day and see how it goes. Her friends will be there, she will see them, and it might put her mind at rest. I’d also be telling her it will be fun etc.

It is sad isn’t it? My reception boy was loving school. His is a one form, and very small and cosy. He regularly played with his year 3 and 5 siblings too, so he was always happy.

I am still sending him though. It’s not going to be the same but this is life now, he will adapt and being able to adapt to change is how you build resilience. I am sure he will be okay, I’m very positive about it and he hasn’t picked up on any negativity from me. I think that’s key to be honest, if they pick up on you feeling sad it will rub off.

And I do feel sad, I just don’t show it.

I have approached this slightly differently with my 4 yr old. I have of course told her it will be different, she won’t be able to play with her best friend but she will have a small group of friends to play with, ‘isn’t that exciting I wonder who’s in your group’ etc etc. I am still undecided about sending her back but she definitely needs professional teaching with her reading (she can’t read at all not even simple words) and it would give me more time to home educate my 6 year old who is working a year behind her peers already. I have a toddler too so at the moment I can only do the bare minimum. I am planning to send her back and see how she goes. If she hates it then I will pull her out again. She is so excited to go to school and keeps asking how long

My children have been in 2 days a week for the key worker provision. They have loved it. It's different, not all their friends are there, it's not always familiar teachers as they are on a rota, but they've so enjoyed the routine and activities. They haven't been falling asleep easily in lockdown but they sleep so well after their school days.

It's going to be different but restrictions will get less and less as the R rate does so this won't be forever. They'll see their friends, learn some fun new things and adapt to the new situation quickly. I understand teachers hesitations too but until they've tried it, we won't know what it will be like.

I think talking about germs with a 5 year old is too much and could scare her from school in September as there is still likely to be some social distancing in place then too. I'm going down the positive route of 'how exciting school is starting, I wonder who will be in your bubble, maybe you'll get to play in the bigger playground with all the space!'.

I do understand your concerns though for me it's slightly different as DS is in nursery and they're not social distancing. They're doing everything else but not that because it's pointless.

They post on a group for parents to see and from what I can see the kids still attending seem happy.

The big thing for me is, it might very well still be like this in September. So it's not just a decision about now. And I don't think come September the gov will be as lenient about attendance.

For Ds he starts school in September so he won't get any of the usual settling in etc. I am massively concerned about how he will cope but in reality the alternative is quitting work and pulling him out of school and we can't do that.

Sent too soon...

Just wanted to add that children are very adaptable and are too young to know this is not a usual thing. I told my 6 yr old that they didn’t shut the schools ever before in my lifetime. She was amazed and it reminded me that they really have no idea! As other have said, it will be not much different in September which is why I thought we’d give it a go now anyway.

Hi yes I'm aware that kids are adaptable.
I'm not sure there's anything healthy about kids learning not to touch eachother or hold hands. What sort of message is that for five year olds

I've kept it very light but I can't lie and say normal school is reopening. Most of her friends are not going back actually anyway. So I don't think many will be in. It's not he right time to open. September is far away and by then it will be better or worse.

All kids will be on different levels. You could be destroying a child's mental health by presuming they are resisiliant and it's ok to keep changing the rules. But some kids take it on the chin. I think it will be th workers kids as always that adapt the best. Kids with sahm etc tend to be more sensitive. Well they are in my group of friends. My sil child who's always been in childcare doesn't care about change because she knows no different. She's looked after by an adult and that's her norm.

@hopsalong can we remember that they haven't missed 6 months of education? If some children don't go back until September at most they will have missed 3 months. I'm not saying that's not noteworthy by any means, but it isnt the same, as missing 6 months. Your friend's son is very lucky that he has had the attention to accelerate with his reading skills. This is absolutely not the case for many in school settings currently as schools are offering childcare not education.

We also can't directly compare the environment of the key worker/vulnerable children to the environment in schools going forward as it will presumably look different again.

A lot of people I know, who work in school settings, have made the decision to keep their children at home after seeing the guidance and reality of how schools wi be operating (and yes they will be returning to work).

Completely agree... I want schools open as soon as it’s safe but I just cannot stop thinking about how the reception kids in my placement class probably will have just been expecting everything to be normal... and then they’ll come back to something so different? I think we are keeping same classroom/teacher but very small groups, we have access to free flow outdoors as well which makes it easier. And only using resources that are easy to clean.
I just know there’s children in that class who will not understand what’s going on now let alone why school is all different.

My kids in. Yes it’s different but she still loves it.

She has her cuddly which only she touches for hugs so that’s nice.

Hard toys all still there, like then building blocks, toy cars, etc I think they Then chuck them in a bucket of Milton overnight. Sensory play with pasta also happened and then I guess they throw it away.

Lots of craft, lots of outdoor games like races and football.

Guidance says that the littlest don’t have to social distance as it’s not possible so they aren’t. Lots of hand washing Tho and discouraged from hugs and hair platting etc. No parents in the building.

She’s loving it, maybe not quite as much as she loved it before but it’s not damaged her at all

I think the guidelines are a disaster.

Either it's safe enough to go back or it's not.

Or you prioritise the kids who need the education / pastoral care of school most.

Simply because the requirements in the guidelines are so different from normal that it's going to end up with the endless questioning of "but why?" in terms of things missing and things they aren't allowed to do and why it's different.

That raises more problems than it solves. The teachers are put in the position of having to deal with that.

Reception is designed and set up for learning through play but that's going to be drastically cut back and that will impact on how and what they learn too.

I do think it will be more crowd management and looking after the emotional needs of kids than schooling. Especially given TAs who usually give one to one support for special needs are going to be asked to look after a large group.

And yet it's the teachers who are being demonised for being concerned about the impact of all this rather than those who have written the guidelines.

Going back under those conditions absolutely won't be in the best interests if all kids. For some it will, but others it will cause more problems.

I wish it was being framed in this way rather than the full on demonisation of teachers and the suggestion that they don't care about the interests of the kids they teach. It couldn't be further from the truth.

And what happens in September when the "germs" haven't gone away and what you are seeing now is what they have to do in september anyway?

I can totally understand the anxiety about all of this. My 3 year old will be going back to nursery in June, the risk to her mental health is bigger than the risk of the virus at the moment. She is struggling a lot, very emotional, very sad about not seeing her friends etc....... she is our only child at home so is missing the social skills that she learns at nursery. She has been there since she was 8 months old!

@Redtoothbrush

Agree. It's either safe or not. It's ridiculous. Ofcourse we have got to prep the kids.

Example. We usually get to the school gates. My child has walked to school with her bestie. They then run up to another kid they play with. They all talk. Grab eachothers hands, bags, arms and laugh and talk. They walk around to the classroom together. They mix with many others at school. My DD has her hair pulled out most days and played with my her friend. Sometimes several of the girls come out with their hair down and it's because they all touch eachothers hair. They also ask for eachothers snacks after school. My DD often hands over a crisp or a piece of fruit to a friend. She then walks home with her friend. They collect sticks. They run. They hold hands.

Also in the school day. My DD gets a hug. She sits with a ta one on one because she's one of the ones that needs some help with work. She also helps a little boy carry the book folders. She loves eating her lunch with the infant's and mixes with some year ones at dinner.

Even if I don't tell her how it might be. She will go back and go to walk to her class. I'll have to say no not that way. Then she will try go to her friends and I will have to tell her she can't. That's not healthy

It's probably fine for the few kids in right now. But when you add another 200 (250 at my child's school if we all say yes) then it becomes alot less one on one. Alot less relaxed. Alot more risk.

Tbh I'm less worried about Corona and more worried about my child being taught everything from before is no longer the case. There is no way to tell a five year old she won't be with those children again, in that class with that routine. She will hopefully never really notice. It's a crap first year at school for her. It's crap for all eyfs. I get fed up of reading they don't matter because they are resilient and don't learn much at this age. They have feelings and they understand what they have done up until now. Why do we presume they don't notice any changes in a negative way?!

And yet it's the teachers who are being demonised for being concerned about the impact of all this rather than those who have written the guidelines.

Quite.

Just to add to my point. My sister is very much a I tell my kids what they are doing and they get on with it. She refuses to see that children might have fears, worries and anxiety about the changes around them. She writes on FB that other parents are being pathetic having chats with their kids about what they want to do. We were raised like that. Our mum didn't ever listen to our feelings and just told us to get on with everything. I've taken the other approach with my child. I try and talk more. But I protect her from things. I only say things in a pleasant way. I told her yesterday that it will still be fun but it just won't be the same until the germs have gone from everywhere. I told her they are gone from the school. She's not stupid. The teachers were telling them about it before they broke up. They were washing their hands until they bled! It's not that easy to not tell her. I would rather have a talk with her and reassure her than discredit her feelings and presume she will adapt straight away.

Also children come in different personalities just like adults. I have seen it on Mumsnet so many times. But she's 4. He's 5. Reception is so irrelevant. They don't learn at this age. They don't do much at this age. 5 year olds are adaptable.

You can't compare two children and stick them all in the same box. Some are shy. Some are sensitive. Some are confident. Some are rude. Some are bossy. Some are funny. Some are timid. Some are just balanced and seem to be polite and clever and way ahead in every subject. Some can't even write their names. They are all different. Therefore parents need to handle it how they feel their child will cope best. I don't want to send her into such a controlled environment. It won't be anything like she remembers. There won't be pe on Fridays. There won't be assembly. There won't be class parties or sports days. There won't be teamwork and messy play. It's really different what they are proposing.

Children are far more resilient than adults where change is concerned and will adapt to new situations readily without all this hand-wringing as long as all their friends in the classroom are in the same boat

Totally agree with this and all the handwringing will be a factor in your child not coping.
They learn from you.
Your child crying is entirely appropriate btw
Trying to avoid upset wont help.
Gentle acknowledgement of their feelings and reassurance .
Im a bit at all the worry about no hugging, I didnt think it was allowed anyway .The idea that each child brings a teddy for hugs is genius.

They hug the kids at my child's school. I think it's lovely. To be fair. We've never had to get our kids through a pandemic before. So we shall see. They are resilient in everyday life. But months and months of stress and change. Being aware that germs (that just used to be a cold and calpol) are now making the grownups act different.

You can't compare this to anything from the past really. We will see. But it will affect kids. It's a shame some parents feel kids feelings are not valid enough to worry about their mental health. I'd of been worried as a child. It would have been made worse by my mum just ignoring how I felt.

OP - I’m afraid your daughter is picking up on your anxieties. Children are adaptable and it is much better for them to get on with it and adapt to new rules.

Staying at home for 5 months will lead to massive anxiety for her to then have to go to the ‘germ-ridden’ year 1 in September. Can you imagine how that will build in her head, much more than saying you’re going back, it’ll be a bit different but you’ll see your friends and just follow the new rules.

Little children are basically immune to this and it is beyond insanity that any 5 year old is crying about being afraid of germs. They need to be told the truth which is that this bloody virus does not affect children but is bad for their grannies and that it is good for them to get back to school and see their friends.

It is not too late to send her back and reassure her that it will be fine. Do not let this build in her till Sept.

I think you need to manage your own anxieties and not project them onto your DD. Be positive about it and she will be too.

I worry about my kids mental health from being socially isolated. I do not damage their mental health by saying that I am scared of a virus that does not impact children!!!!! Or by saying that it is not safe!!

Honestly, if the virus impacted everyone the way it impacts children everything would be open. School is perfectly safe for children now, it is shut because of the fear of the virus spreading in the elderly and late middle aged.

Instead, we look forward to when we can do fun things again. I say, look there are some things we have to do, it’s over the top as it doesn’t impact children but that’s just what we have to do. That means that they have zero anxiety about the virus but follow the rules.

She won't be picking anything up from me. I have not been talking about it. We've had fun at home. My thoughts are in my head. She doesn't hear them.

Yesterday I had a chat with her about going back. I explained how it might be. She cried!

As for my anxieties. I was sending her back. Until I read she likely won't be in her class with her teacher. She won't have most of the toys and no books. She won't. She won't be able to touch her friends.

I'm sorry but I think it's too strict and they are asking alot from the teachers. Theres nothing wrong with my thinking and I'm not passing fears onto her lol!