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Original poster

So low tonight I can’t cope

67 replies

Worriedmum999 · 09/05/2020 22:06

I have no idea why I am posting this but I feel quite desperate tonight. I am sitting upstairs on my bed literally petrified about the future. We had such lovely plans for this year. A holiday at Easter and getting a puppy in a few weeks. Neither of those happening now obviously.

I have had a few years of good mental health after a rough period from teens to late twenties and then again after 8 miscarriages before finally having my 2 children who are now 9 and 7 and my world. For years I felt as if I had somehow cheated nature and they would be taken away from me so I became over anxious everytime they were ill. The last 2 years have been great as these feelings finally settled down. And now this.

I’m massively overweight. Completely my own fault and not helped by years of depression and being almost constantly pregnant for the best part of 5 years. I’ve been trying to focus on getting my bMI from 45 to 40 as a starting point but everything I read now just highlights that fat is fat and if I get this virus I’ll die.

I’m petrified of going out. Luckily we have a big garden so the children have been playing out a lot but we haven’t been out. I disinfect all shopping, quarantine post etc. And it’s exhausting. Then reading that everyone will get it anyway so I’m just putting off the dying by a few months. I’m honestly tempted to just go somewhere and catch it and be done with it. I honestly think that would be better than the waiting to die. It’s like when I got pregnant. Over time the miscarriages came as a weird sort of relief rather than a life waiting for something terrible to happen. The actual pregnancies that survived were hell on Earth and completely traumatising as I waited to lose them every day for 10 months.

I’ve been putting on a brave positive face for the children but I’m at the end now. I’m so sad for them. All their friends and school gone, their clubs gone, their holiday and their puppy. And soon I’ll be gone. I would never have had them if I’d have known they would have to go through probably losing their mum so young.

OP posts:
TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 09/05/2020 22:11

I didn't want to read and run so have some Flowers from me. This is really scary and the media have encouraged everyone to be terrified.

You are still really unlikely to die if you get the virus. If you practise really good hand washing and you eat well and sit out in the sun to top your Vitamin D levels, that will help you feel more in control. It sounds like you could use some more support, though. It is worth reaching out whether that's to a charity or to your gp or to a private therapist. There are people who are wanting to help.

I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you. It is very difficult living with this situation.

Oly4 · 09/05/2020 22:17

I agree, you are highly unlikely to die from this even if you do get it. But please don’t try to get it just to get it over with.
It sounds to me like you’re suffering with anxiety, as millions of other people across the world are. Please phone your GP and explain your feelings, they will be able to
Prescribe something to help.
You are doing the best thing for your family- stay home, play with your children, try to enjoy them. It won’t be like this forever, it really won’t. Science is an amazing thing and people are working night and day to solve this.
And if you don’t want to disinfect shopping then don’t. There’s no evidence to suggest you will catch the virus this way. Deal either your shopping and wash your hands thoroughly afterwards. And wash them throughout the day.
You’re doing better than you think you are, you really are.
And well done for aiming for your next BMI down of 40. You can get there, keep going.

maleficent53 · 09/05/2020 22:18

Please practice good hand washing, eat healthy food and get out walking. This will be better than hiding at home

Mascotte · 09/05/2020 22:23

Oh @Worriedmum999 it's such a horrible time. 💐I've had awful dark ears too with all the fun stuff gone. It will come back though, no matter what the doom merchants say.

You can do this if I can 💪 Ring your GP and see if they can help . You're not alone

rossKemp · 09/05/2020 22:29

This reply has been deleted

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RJnomore1 · 09/05/2020 22:35

You’re still 99% likely to survive are you not? The reporting on this is fucked. Yes it’s dangerous and scary but most people will survive.

Keep going. Those kids need you.

ScarlettDarling · 09/05/2020 22:37

@rossKemp surely you can see how unkind your reply is. The op is terribly anxious and very down. She knows she needs to lose weight. She doesn't need you to point it out.

Op, these are hard times for everyone. As other (kinder) posters have pointed out, your chances of dying with this virus are still small even if you do catch it. The chances of you catching it in the community are reducing every day.

Try to contact your gp about your anxiety. I'm on medication for anxiety so I know how bleak it can feel. I don't know how I'd have coped through all this if I hadn't been on meds but as it is, I've coped ok.

Sending Flowers and best wishes.

Oly4 · 09/05/2020 22:38

RJ no, the death rate is higher than 1% and being obese makes you significantly more at risk of dying if you catch it. Those are just the facts from many studies that have now been done on Covid patients. The main thing is that the OP is trying to change her risk and she should be applauded for that.
Op those kids do need you, call your GP. Millions feel like you do, reach out. There is support for you

Original poster
Worriedmum999 · 09/05/2020 22:42

Honestly, I don’t mind people saying it like it is. I know I’m a fat, weak disgrace. That the children deserve better than me. If I could give them a better mother tomorrow I would. Maybe when I die they’ll get one.

OP posts:
Elmerrrrrrrr · 09/05/2020 22:46

Oh get fucked rossKemp

Whitestick · 09/05/2020 22:47

Rosskemp what a useful post Hmm
OP your feelings about your dc are entirely understandable. I've read that many suffers of rmc have some degree of PTSD - it has that big an impact. I know I needed counselling after mine.
My bmi is in the high 30s and I dealt with the start of lockdown in the usual way, by calming myself with food. This isn't sustainable and I am going for the approach now of trying to be as fit as I can be if or when I get the virus. Daily exercise and a 1000 calorie deficit. Don't know if it will work but have had one successful week so far - it takes about three weeks to change a habit I've heard.
I share many of your fears OP but even if you catch CV (you might not, and you are clearly being careful) you are still more likely to live than to die. High BMI makes it riskier but it's not a foregone conclusion - just like your pregnancies after mc were riskier but you still got your babies didn't you. Flowers

Mascotte · 09/05/2020 22:50

@rossKemp you should be ashamed of yourself.

letsdolunch321 · 09/05/2020 22:50

@rosskemp .... I have to assume you are a Kate Moss model ?????

Your non helpful reply will not help the OP who has clearly had difficult times in her life.

WinWinnieTheWay · 09/05/2020 22:52

Just take it one day at a time. Make yourself go out for a walk. Plan a tiny block first and you can always extend it is you find it enjoyable.
Try and view this is a golden opportunity to enjoy your family, eat well and exercise. Don't watch the news if it upsets you.

Patte · 09/05/2020 22:53

Please talk to your GP and see what help you can get, it's not right for you to feel like this. Do you have any friends you could talk to who might be able to support you?

The evidence on weight isn't clear yet (Source: BBC More Or Less). Even if you get this, you are still much, much more likely not to die from it. If it doesn't make you more worried, I would say try to spend some time outside in the garden yourself - it's not natural for humans to be inside all the time.

And I am sure you are an amazing mum. How much you love them is clear from your posts.

Mascotte · 09/05/2020 22:53

@Worriedmum999 honestly. They've blown up the risks to terrify people into staying in. You're young, you'll be ok even if you do get it. I'm quite old and very definitely not thin (😳😃) but otherwise fit and well so I think I'll be fine. At the moment I'm clinging to thinking of nice things I'll do when this eases, even just tiny things. If you're really feeling awful then please ring or email the Samaritans, they're lovely and will listen

HoyaFlower · 09/05/2020 22:54

Op this is the risk of dying if you get Corona in each age group. If you were 100% more likely to die if you were obese you'd double those numbers, (still small) but the previous poster said you are only 37% more likely to die, so even smaller. Plus some who died in the age figures will have had other conditions, so even less. Happy to be corrected if I've misunderstood the figures, but that still looks low.

So low tonight I can’t cope
RJnomore1 · 09/05/2020 22:54

I’d like to see your stats on that oly.

Germany seems to be at around 0.2% death rate, for example.

pigoons · 09/05/2020 22:55

I am overweight and trying not to pile more on during lockdown. I find it helps getting more sleep when I'm feeling down and going out for a walk. Really simple stuff but it works for me.

FWIW I too have a history of recurrent miscarriage and other medical stuff has happened which means my reactions to risk are really, really skewed. I tend to think the risks are greater than they actually are because some quite shit stuff happened in my past which is really rare but still happened to me ...

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 09/05/2020 22:57

@rossKemp ....and the prize for the biggest dick on the internet tonight goes to.....

bombaychef · 09/05/2020 22:59

Try and take control of the situation & change it. Get up tomorrow and go out for a long long walk with the kids. The next day do the same a bit quicker or longer. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we come back up. Your DC love and need you

RJnomore1 · 09/05/2020 23:00

Sorry op that really wasn’t useful of me to post.

But the point remains the odds are overwhelmingly in your favour if you get it. However that is not going to get people to stay in to protect those who are at risk.

Stay in, practice good hygiene, be as healthy as you can.

Confusedasusual78 · 09/05/2020 23:02

@rossKemp Really nice..at a time when the op is clearly scared and highly anxious.

Itwasntme1 · 09/05/2020 23:06

Op you are experiencing anxiety. I know the emotions and fear you feel is real, but it’s not based on the facts.

Take it one day at a time. Covid 19 is Highly unlikely to kill you. You are catastrophising, and have got trapped in a loop of negative thought.

Counselling would really help. Exercise too, for the boost to your mood. You need to give your ming time away from the dark thoughts.

The children will still get their puppy and holiday, just a little later. In the meantime they are getting lots of time at Home with their amazing mum🥰.

Try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. It will be fine, we are all feeling it, but this is only temporary.

Ithinkthis · 09/05/2020 23:06

I know we have all felt dire in this times, I can’t even say it’s not that bad now we have the figures we do. Here for a hand hold and to say you sound like a great mum. I’d encourage you get help as i know how bad living with constant anxiety is.