So low tonight I can’t cope

[Worriedmum999]

I have no idea why I am posting this but I feel quite desperate tonight. I am sitting upstairs on my bed literally petrified about the future. We had such lovely plans for this year. A holiday at Easter and getting a puppy in a few weeks. Neither of those happening now obviously.

I have had a few years of good mental health after a rough period from teens to late twenties and then again after 8 miscarriages before finally having my 2 children who are now 9 and 7 and my world. For years I felt as if I had somehow cheated nature and they would be taken away from me so I became over anxious everytime they were ill. The last 2 years have been great as these feelings finally settled down. And now this.

I’m massively overweight. Completely my own fault and not helped by years of depression and being almost constantly pregnant for the best part of 5 years. I’ve been trying to focus on getting my bMI from 45 to 40 as a starting point but everything I read now just highlights that fat is fat and if I get this virus I’ll die.

I’m petrified of going out. Luckily we have a big garden so the children have been playing out a lot but we haven’t been out. I disinfect all shopping, quarantine post etc. And it’s exhausting. Then reading that everyone will get it anyway so I’m just putting off the dying by a few months. I’m honestly tempted to just go somewhere and catch it and be done with it. I honestly think that would be better than the waiting to die. It’s like when I got pregnant. Over time the miscarriages came as a weird sort of relief rather than a life waiting for something terrible to happen. The actual pregnancies that survived were hell on Earth and completely traumatising as I waited to lose them every day for 10 months.

I’ve been putting on a brave positive face for the children but I’m at the end now. I’m so sad for them. All their friends and school gone, their clubs gone, their holiday and their puppy. And soon I’ll be gone. I would never have had them if I’d have known they would have to go through probably losing their mum so young.

OP I am so sorry for you.
You have suffered dreadful repeated loss which means your brain is programmed to expect the worst and to not trust any kind of hope or reprieve.
But your children are living proof that sometimes things can work out okay.
You won’t always feel this awful.
Tomorrow is another day, just keep on keeping on.X

Op please come back. Are you ok?

OP turn off the news. Try and enjoy time with your DC. Try and focus on creating happy memories for them in hideous times. Do not entertain diets but try and get active with DC - just playing outside.

It’s very hard to keep a sense of perspective when the press splash sensationalist headlines around like ‘killer virus’ ‘death toll rockets’ etc etc, especially when (like you and I OP) you suffer from anxiety. Yes the death toll is frightening and yes it can be dangerous so we need to take it seriously, but the vast majority of people will survive it.

Generally I’m statistically low risk - mid 30’s, female, no health conditions, but typically I’m obsessing over the 2 risk factors I (potentially) have - I’m about a stone overweight and type A blood group which supposedly is slightly higher risk. I spent a week or so obsessing about that before accepting there’s literally nothing I can do about my blood group and concluding that in any event the risk is probably small.

What I can do something about is my weight so I’m doing my best to increase my exercise and improve diet - although I have just eaten a massive slice of carrot cake 🤦🏼‍♀️

I completely recognise the feeling of inevitability and the uncertainty / anticipatory dread being almost worse than the reality - I too have thought I’d almost rather just get it now and be done with it.but we might be lucky enough not to get it and if we do, the further down the road we get it the more understanding there will about the virus,treatments etc.

I know it’s easier said than done but you need to try to focus on what you can control - some gentle exercise, do your best to eat healthily, focus on enjoying your kids and making plans for when this is all over, and definitely seek support from your GP.

I

When I read your post my heart went out. What an incredibly strong woman you are to have overcome such a heartbreaking time with all those miscarriages, and then to have successfully had two lovely children.

I too have health anxiety and ups and downs in life, and a history of mental health problems, as well as difficulties overcoming obesity.

I've been very spooked by the reports of increased risk for obese patients, exacerbated by our society's delight in blaming people for their health problems as if force of personality should solve health issues.

It doesn't help that we feel terrible ourselves about being overweight and so we willingly add to the burden of guilt we carry around.

The additional risk of obesity is only 37%. So slightly more, but not anything like as bad as being make, or older, or many other factors, some of which we don't know.

There are loads of smug, self-righteous health freaks out there who take
great comfort in being superior because of lower body weight. Which is ludicrous, if you think about it. There are thin psychopaths, there are fat angels. Our worth isn't determined by body weight.

For what it's worth I've felt very low today. Our street had a street party yesterday for VE day. I made a (socially distanced) appearance, during which time someone took a picture of me. Now that picture is all over social media and I look enormous. I have decided not to try losing weight during lockdown - whether this is an excuse or not I can't tell. I just can't get the motivation now of all times.

This latest round of self-flagellation will pass!!!

How are you doing today OP?
I hope you're ok, lots of us here want to give you some support
This is such a weird and shocking time isn't it, we feel you girl❤️

Thank you for all your kind words. I’m sobbing like an idiot here. I don’t deserve them.

You absolutely deserve them. Crying is therapeutic. Throw yourself into it. Then get some sleep.

Have you picked a name for the puppy? My friend had to delay a new puppy. They are spending the time researching training techniques and the kids are crawling round the garden looking for potential escape routes😂. It won’t be long.

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I understand your fears. I'm also very overweight but have managed to get my bmi below 40 since lockdown started, mainly through walking for around an hour each day and trying to eat as healthily as i can. I haven't lost loads of weight (probably about 5kg) but I'm definitely feeling fitter and I reckon every little helps.

Like you, I have been really anxious about my weight putting me at higher risk, and I'm very scared of leaving my dc motherless. However, I can't totally avoid the risk of catching the virus so I'm trying to be as careful as I can while also trying to reduce the risk if and when I do catch it. Tbh, there are lots of other risks associated with being obese anyway, so it had to be addressed sooner or later. This is just the extra kick in the arse that I needed.

Now that I've got into the habit of daily exercise, I'm trying to up the ante a bit by pushing myself harder. I'm walking faster, and I'm going to start doing an exercise dvd every morning. I wouldn't have been fit enough to contemplate this a month ago. I'm also trying to eat more fruit and veg, and little by little, I'm reducing portion sizes too. I'm also taking vitamin c and d to boost my immunity and I'm trying to get plenty of sleep. (Failing on the latter tonight as it's too flipping hot!)

I've struggled with my weight for years and I've got a very long way to go, but for the first time now, I actually feel like I will be able to do this. I'm fed up of my health anxiety and feeling like it will be my fault if I get sick. Yes, I'm too fat right now, but this is the opportunity and motivation that I need to change that for good. And I'm going to. You can too.

I'm lucky that my super-fit and super-positive dd is very encouraging and supportive of my efforts, and this is really helping me. Is there someone who could be your cheerleader? Maybe even an MNetter if you don't have anyone in RL?

I know how scary this is right now and it's fine to feel low sometimes, but your children need you, so try to stay calm and focus on positive actions that you can take to try and promote good health.

Also, please read HoyaFlower's post above, I found it really reassuring!

Walking is great, walking while listening to an enjoyable podcast (preferably not about the crisis!) is even better, or maybe music is more your style?
We all deserve a helping hand OP and that includes you😊☝️

Just had to chime in and say the weight gain is not your fault and you're not weak OP. In fact you've just laid out the reasons - external factors! Sounds like anxiety talking to me too, a bit of catastrophising and black and white thinking. Current situation is taking a toll on everyone's mental health, take care

Of course you deserve kind words. Your family needs you. This is your depression or anxiety talking, and depression lies. You won't always feel this way. You really won't.

Please, please, please ring your GP asap and get some medication sorted - it can be a rough start with them but they really can make the world of difference. If you're at the end of your tether, The Samaritans are there - 116 123 from any phone.

As much sunshine as you can manage, short walks if you can manage, especially if you can find some green space or are by the sea. And try to be gentle with yourself. You are using very harsh words about yourself - if you wouldn't talk to your children or loved ones in that way, don't do it to yourself.

Hang in there OP

@Worriedmum999. Please don't take RissKemos post personally, they're frequently a complete bitch/wanker

Your thoughts about not being a good enough mum and being undeserving of kindness makes me think you are in a depression that is not just to do with the virus. Can you phone your GP?

I'm also overweight, as well as other risk factors, and have been doing what I can to prepare.

I'm taking high dose Vit D and C, getting outside and moving as much as I can. I've bought a pulse oximeter and am stocked up on medicines.

Your chances of dying are still very low but maybe preparing in case of the worst will help.

Oh bless you @Worriedmum999 you sound like a lovely person who has been through a great deal. The way everything is being reported in the press really isn't helping the situation at all. So much misinformation, half truths and misinterpretation of the facts is going on, it is no wonder people are getting terrified.
Obviously we need to know what types of people are at higher risk from the virus but that is so that those who are in higher risk groups can take extra care of themselves and that the researchers can look into how the risks for those people might possibly be reduced. That information isn't meant to be used to terrify you or to make you feel bad about yourself. Nobody should be making mean comments to you. Remember that even if you do get it, you are far more likely to recover than you are to die, whatever your BMI is. Just carry on taking the sensible precautions that you already are doing but try not to let it be the focus of all your thoughts.
A few days ago I suddenly got into a dreadful panic because I got it into my head that if either I or my adult daughter were to catch it I might never see her again, as she lives at the other end of the country. Days when something nice should be happening are bad. I know that I will feel low at half term when we should be going on a holiday that we had planned ages ago. But then on other days I feel quite calm and optimistic. Talking to my friends and family I think these kinds of feelings are really common.You are definitely not alone.This is all so strange and unfamiliar to us all. Don't feel bad about feeling bad!
I agree with everyone who has suggested that you talk to your GP about your mental health. Of course you deserve kindness and you also deserve any professional help that you need. But in the meantime there are a few things that help me. They might help you too.
Focus on positive things and things that make you happy. I sometimes find writing things down helps. You clearly love your family and I am sure they love you back just as much. And there will be other happy and postive things in your life too, I'm sure. Remembering a happy event or a time or place when I have felt really peaceful and content sometimes helps me when I am feeling panicky. Also listening to relaxing music is good.
Keep busy. Try to get outside as much as is safe and take your daily exercise as that will help both your physical and mental health. Also you are more likely to sleep if you have done something physical and been out in the fresh air. But also try to exercise your mind and keep it busy with good stuff. I've taken up embroidery recently.I'm not much good and can only do simple stuff but its nice to do something creative and its quite soothing. Maybe you can do some crafts or similar with your children? Anything really, as long as you enjoy it.
Try to think of things as delayed, not cancelled. You will get the puppy and have your holiday. Better times will be back. And in the meantime give yourself a pat on the back for all the great things you do. You have been through such a lot and you will get through this too.

💐 and hugs for you op
You sound like a lovely lady and a wonderful Mum.
Echo what all the other pp have said
💐

You can cope though OP, you’re proved that already. You are strong. The puppy will arrive, if slightly delayed. You have amazing children, and they are amazing because of their mum. You have already shown how strong you are, you deserve any good wishes and praise shown, don’t deny them

OP you are not a fat, weak disgrace - please don't think that. Your children love you and need you, and you need to be kind to yourself. If you take precautions you might not catch the virus, and even if you do it isn't an automatic death sentence. As for the life your children are living at the moment, they will get over it, children are resilient in the main. This is only a small hitch on their journey through life. Take it one step at a time, try to enjoy any small moment of joy, and if you are really struggling maybe call your GP. Hugs

If it helps to put things into perspective. I am obese and very nearly 60 so age isn’t on my side as well and I am waiting for the antibody test because I am sure we have all had it in our family. (Including Dp who is also obese and is on the vulnerable list because of his age and cancer /diabetes status)

Dd managed an event with a Chinese delegation in early December and was the first to get ill in our family.

Even my mil has had it and she is well into her 90s, has dementia and is living in a nursing home

All you can do is wash your hands, practice social distancing and be sensible.

You might get it or you might not. It isn’t an automatic death sentence if you did get it.
All I can say is if you can avoid getting it I would. Some people have a very mild illness. Some have a full blown illness. From what anybody can see is that they don’t really know how it affects different people

Fwiw someone we know abroad had to be put into quarantine because they tested positive for Corona.

The only indication that something was wrong was a few days before they lost their sense of taste and smell for about 24 hours.

Please ignore people on other threads who say we are all going to get it. That isn't true. Continue what you are doing, practise hand washing and disinfecting surfaces. Your anxiety is totally understandable but don't try to catch it to get it over with. Every day the medical/science community around the world are making progress in better understanding it and making progress in anti-viral drugs to combat and cure. Plus there will hopefully be a vaccine.
I posted this on another thread today, but regarding getting your BMI down, please read up on insulin resistance and Dr Jason Fung's Obesity Code. It recommends a low GI diet or keto and 16:8 to stop the spikes in insulin causing weight gain despite dieting. I'm doing it myself now to get my BMI out of 'overweight' and into 'healthy'. I finally understand that I can't eat any sugar (natural or added) if I want to lose even a lb of weight.
Be kind to yourself OP. You sound like a great mum!

I hope you got some sleep op and you feel a tiny bit brighter today.

This is all so hard, isn't it?

I used to be very overweight. I felt disgusted with myself. It puts you in a very dark place at worst, doesn't it? I have now lost a lot of weight and the truth is I'm exactly the same human being with the same flaws and strengths and quirks. I'm happier for having taken a bit of control back but it's just weight. It's not you. I bet you're lovely and you are worth just as much as anyone else is (which is a lot). Your children, in particular, need you very much. You are irreplaceable to them.

I was thinking about you overnight and wanted to post a few more things that might help you.

Have you found the 'Fuller Figure Fuller Wardrobe' group on Facebook? If not, have a look at it. It's full of larger people photographing themselves in some really beautiful clothes. You can't change your weight overnight but you could look to them for some inspiration on loving yourself a bit more as you are. A bit of makeup can give you such a boost and there are some utterly lovely clothes for bigger bodies these days.

Katie Piper wrote a book on confidence and that helped me massively. She has a facial disfigurement and suffered a dreadful sexual assault and yet the book is about how she had to work to find a way to be ok with herself again and it's just fabulous. It helped me no end.

I'd also look up Jason Fung on YouTube. Intermittent Fasting and the paleo diet/low carbing have changed my life. Switching to that way of eating got rid of my hunger and 99% of my cravings (because your blood sugar stabilises). I am a different human for it. I was always hungry before and that's now gone. Getting into that community also made me realise being overweight wasn't my fault. (It isn't yours either). Food companies pour MILLIONS into not only producing food that is highly addictive taste wise but into lots of advertising to hook you in. Lots and lots of overweight people have experienced trauma and food is such an easy way to comfort yourself. These companies exploit that. Low carbing isn't for everyone, you have to do what's right for your lifestyle, but at least check it out so you can decide if it's right for you. The Diet Doctor is a good website too. It Starts with Food is also a wonderful book.

And read Brain over Binge - that helped me a lot even if it wasn't the whole answer for me.

I'm sorry I can't drop by and give you a proper hug and tell you you're doing amazingly well. You are. Keep talking to us here if that helps and day at a time. We'll get through this.

@Oly4
RJ no, the death rate is higher than 1% and being obese makes you significantly more at risk of dying if you catch it
I noticed that someone asked you yesterday to provide a source for your figures which are obviously higher than the ones i posted (attached) but you haven't done so. If you are going to post things to a depressed and terrified woman that make her feel even worse, please can you provide an accurate and reliable source for your higher figures.

This is controversial on mn but low carbing is bullshit. Demonising an entire food group is SO damaging. Yes it works. Of course it works. It is calorie deficit. Like all diets. It's nothing to do with "sugar addiction" or nonsense like that. I lost 3.5 stone a few years back (after losing weight on multiple diets including low carb but never keeping it off) and have kept it off. You know how? Portion control and no snacking. That is literally it. I eat pasta, bread, full fat dairy and -shock horror - sugar.

Naturally it takes some mental work to get to that point and this is not me having a pop at the op but I do get very frustrated with posters peddling low carb diets.

Food companies pour MILLIONS into not only producing food that is highly addictive taste wise but into lots of advertising to hook you in

Not sure how that works with those of us, like me, who got fat on home cooked food. I've never eaten a ready meal in my life.

Op something I learnt in therapy is the no feeling is final. Today you feel hopeless. But it’s just a feeling. And everyone has felt hopeless over the past couple of months at some point
Tomorrow may be better

You’ve had lots of fantastic advice on things that can help with your feelings. I’ll add yoga to that list. Yoga with Adrienne on ytube had a lot of classes focusing on yoga to deal with anxiety. They might be helpful.
Best wishes and strength