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Original poster

concerned step mum of of 2 children whos real mum works directly on covid wards

27 replies

gordy0 · 21/04/2020 19:09

Hi, i am a step mum of 2 boys aged 13 & 15 and i`m very concerned about them coming back and forth between our house and their mothers as she works as a ward manager on Covid 19 wards. Their father and i have raised our concerns with her as she did have a bad scare a couple of weeks ago thinking she had caught Corona virus, and she asked us to come and take them away immediatley after she locked herself in a bedroom to isolate. It turned out to be something else, which still lead to a spell in hospital and her going on sick leave for two weeks. She was tested in hospital for Covid 19 and was negative, so we carried on having our access to the boys. Now she has gone back to work we have asked for the boys to stay with us until things try and settle down with this dreaded virus. Her response was for us to mind our own business, her work commitments have nothing to do with us, the kids are her responsability and she will say what happens with them. I feel that this response from her is totally irresponsable and very unprofessional coming from someone at her level who should know how bad the situation is in the hospitals at the moment. The kids are both parents responsabilities, not just hers. All we want is the health and safety of the kids to come first, is that so wrong of us to want that for them. They to are frightened and concerned. I just dont know if it should be right to keep going from one house to another, but i do feel that they are more at risk staying with her though. Any thoughts or ideas please.

OP posts:
NurseJaques · 21/04/2020 19:13

What do the kids want to do?

And keep in mind this situation could go on for months (or longer!)

Amd finally, don't get too involved... This is for the childrens mum & dad to sort out

TabbyMumz · 21/04/2020 19:13

Was it you or their Father that made the suggestion?

AnyFucker · 21/04/2020 19:16

What does their other parent say ?

And actually you are correct about one thing....she is in a better position to assess the risk

SpudsAreLife84 · 21/04/2020 19:19

Are you proposing that they live with you indefinitely then, as this will likely continue for months/a year plus?!

Lindy2 · 21/04/2020 19:22

I'd think the children would be safer with you too. However, it has to be for the children and their mum and dad to agree on. It's a big ask for their mum to no longer see them for an indefinite period of time.

Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 21/04/2020 19:26

Do you children have any underlying health conditions?

If not I say they should visit. I would imagine it would be pretty miserable to be working on the front line and not seeing loved ones at all.

Yankathebear · 21/04/2020 19:27

I agree with you and have sent my own children to live with their father for this reason. I really miss them but the risk is too high.

Devlesko · 21/04/2020 19:29

What is so wrong is the "we", ffs back off and let the kids parents sort it out.
It's nothing to do with you, what does your husband and his children want to do?

Mintjulia · 21/04/2020 19:38

Agree, leave the parents to sort this out between them. |It is not your call.

PicsInRed · 21/04/2020 20:25

Unless they have serious, listed underlying conditions, their age makes them extremely low risk for severe illness. Your health may be more of a concern, but that will be the case will children going back and forth and it would be your decision whether you choose not to have the children. Not to take them away from the mother.

Think for a second though - if keyworkers started having their kids taken off them for the duration of the crisis, how many keyworkers would be left?

Why are you having this conversation with her? Where is the father?

SummerHouse · 21/04/2020 20:32

To be honest it sounds like she would have a lot on her plate and you are adding to it. Presuming there are no underlying health conditions I think you and the father should respect her wishes and do everything you can to support her. Not undermine her and suggest she doesn't have the safety of her children in mind.

Clymene · 21/04/2020 20:41

It's not got anything to do with you. And she's their mother, not their 'real' mother

SuperMumTum · 21/04/2020 20:41

The kids are very low risk of getting ill. If you don't want them to come to you then their dad will need to explain that to them but no reason why they shouldn't be with their mum.

tootyfruitypickle · 21/04/2020 20:44

I’d be completely outraged that you thought that my kids wellbeing would not be in the forefront of my mind!!

Fred578 · 21/04/2020 20:49

I don’t know why any Stepmum posts on this forum anymore... it doesn’t matter what you say you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t ... it’s not got anything to do with you Confused of course it has

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2020 20:50

I tihnk the problem maybe that you seem to flit between thinking she doesnt take COVID seriosuly enough (she is a ward sister) and not putting her children first

Its not wrong to put the health and safety of them first I am just not sure that you have gone about it well!

BetterAlone · 21/04/2020 20:52

You are going to get flamed here OP, as on MN only mothers are allowed to change contact for covid- related reasons.

When they do, it's completely sensible. When anyone else does, it's totally selfish.

I would say the risk is probably low, however, although working directly on the wards is obviously risky. No easy answer......

Devlesko · 21/04/2020 20:53

How long have you been with their father OP, and are you married? Who decided you were to become stepmum, their father, You?
Why are you so invested, have you had a parenting role agreed with the children's mother? Or do you just not like her, and wish the kids were yours.
My dh dads wife was like this. He was a teen and never saw her as a mother figure, he didn't dislike her but she'd wallow in the step mum role

Iloveknockknockjokes · 21/04/2020 20:57

Poor woman....it'd be so hard working in a v stressful job and then coming home to an empty house.......not seeing her children for months. I know people doing it and it's not easy. So I would try and give her the benefit of making that call.

BetterAlone · 21/04/2020 20:57

Legally speaking, you may find it hard to change the contact though.

Coronavirus: Custody fight parents told not to exploit lockdown
www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-52310034

Mustbethewine · 21/04/2020 21:10

My DP is a frontline worker and I have 2 DC from a previous relationship and share 50/50 custody with their DF. Me and their DF did think about sending them to live with him for the time being due to my DPs job but the DC were dead set against the idea and wanted contact with both me and their DF so we listened to them and agreed to continue the usual arrangement. None of us are high risk or have underlying health issues. Maybe not ideal. Like other PP have said this needs to discussed between mum and dad.

ChristmasCarcass · 21/04/2020 21:15

You seriously think nurses should have their children taken off them? Because it’s too risky for NHS staff to live in the same household as anybody else? What a nasty suggestion, I’m not surprised she gave you short shrift. Shows the other side of “Clap for the NHS” doesn’t it?

How about bus drivers, retail workers etc, should their children be removed from their care? Or is it just NHS staff who shouldn’t be allowed to live with their own children?

NurseJaques · 21/04/2020 21:18

@ChristmasCarcass yes let's take them all into care... Seems proportionate Hmm

NurseJaques · 21/04/2020 21:19

And it's not about stepmum bashing, I am a step mum! But this OP is Sad

DeRigueurMortis · 21/04/2020 21:59

You may have the best of intentions OP but the reality is we have no idea how long this is going to last.

Lots of HCP's are having to weigh risks of transmission vs the emotional impact of separation on their children.

HCP's are also very aware of good hygiene practices (better than the general population) and you can read the lengths they are going to (having strip down areas/boxes for "outside" clothes etc, showering as soon as they get in before touching anything etc).

Unless you've missed out that there are vulnerable family members in the mix then tbh you have to respect her decision and it's your DH's call to challenge it or not.

Even then it's not up to him to deny the children access to their mother (and I'd argue the same in reverse to a mother refusing access to their father under lockdown).

I say this without rancour as a SM myself.