Would never have had second child if I’d known about coronvirus

[Napqueen1234]

Just that really. Had a really bad day. 12 week old and almost 3 year old. We don’t have family nearby anyway but my mum often helps (like when DC2 was born) if I’m struggling. I feel so alone (I know we all do and a lot of people have it harder I just need to vent).
No nursery so older child bouncing off the walls. No groups soft play swimming etc to tire them out. No friends to meet up with and run around at the park. I have no mums to meet up with a have a natter.
Older DC just stopped napping so I have them 7-7 wanting to play constant entertainment (they struggle to play alone even with constant encouragement and trying). DC2 now wants a fair amount of attention when awake. Still doing night feeds obviously.
I’m just completely utterly exhausted. This isn’t what I signed up for when I had another baby. DC1 should be in nursery 3 days, I wish I had time to enjoy the baby instead of being an inconvenience, wish I could walk round the park or meet a friend in real life or get some help from family. DC2 has only met our families a couple of times and a lot of our friends haven’t even met them and it makes me so sad. I wish we hadn’t had them. I feel so low and sad can’t stop crying and HV aren’t visiting/running clinics and haven’t returned my calls.
I just want to say I know this is how it is, we all feel the same it’s SO much worse for nhs staff on the front line etc. I’m just struggling so much and it feels neverending.

I feel the same OP. DC2 is also 12 weeks and I often feel sad we don't get any time alone. I end the day feeling like I haven't actually seen her, because I'm so preoccupied with DC1 (who is 2 next month).

Even when I'm feeding her, I'm still reading to him or negotiating with him about something. I'm sure she doesn't mind - I think she lines the entertainment. Once she's fed, i need to put her down again because toddler will demand attention.

I feel like my time with her is going too quickly and just feel constantly guilty for not being 'present'.

Hang in there OP. I'm sure it will get better

Another one empathising. I've got a 4 week old and a ,3 year old. It's relentless and frustrating. It's crap, but it's going to end. X

OP when I had DS 1 (and 2 for that matter) I went stir crazy. In fact I was convinced at one point that DS2 was crying on purpose that's what sleep deprivation did to me. I was so tired I had days I didn't bring DS1 to school as I felt so shit in the morning.

That was without Lockdown.

So my heart goes out to you big time!!

I can only say things will get better, the DCs will get older and easier and thank you for the contribution you're making to society. I and many others value mums like you and the sacrifices you're making to raise decent children especially in these tough times! and hugs from afar!!

Oh OP I can really sympathise. I'm in exactly the same boat - DS has just turned 2 and DD is 12 weeks today. It's utterly relentless isn't it, and lockdown has made it 10 times harder. If I'd had a crystal ball a year ago, there's no way I'd have brought a baby into my life right now. I'm writing this at 4.30am while she feeds, in full knowledge that DS will be up in 1.5 hours and will want constant entertainment from that moment until bedtime. Like yours, he's normally at nursery a couple of days a week and my mum helps out whenever she can, but all that has gone out the window. I'm at breaking point and have no advice, but wanted to give a handhold and say you're not alone and we will eventually get through this.

I completely get this. I have a 15 week old and a 4.5 year old. My (much shorter than last time) mat leave will end before the schools go back, so I've effectively lost all the getting to know my new baby time. The first 6-8 weeks were awful due to tongue tie and reflux, so I'd only just really got to the point where we were enjoying going out of the house when this happened. It's really tough and I have no advice other than trying to grab even 30 mins for yourself every other day. I've been running a few mornings a week and having a short time when someone isn't touching me, needing me or crying is a sanity saver. I've hurt my leg now and can't see a run happening until at least next week and I notice the difference in how I feel.

really tricky to have kids that age during this, I feel for you and I would have been feeling awful if I was in this situation when mine were tiny like that. Don't be feeling you've got to be doing amazing activities all the time - nothing wrong with paw patrol in these difficult times.
Remember, this situation won't go on forever, at some point it will be over and you will have two lovely children and will be able to do nice things again, and see your friends and your mum.
Just take one day at a time and keep your expectations very low.

Solidarity OP. I've got a 2.5 year old and a 5.5 month old. It's relentless. The toddler is bored, difficult and exhausted because he refuses to nap or go to bed before 8. The baby is sleeps badly and just gets lugged about under my arm all day because I've got to be so focused on the older one to prevent constant meltdowns.
I was just about clinging on to sanity when we could go out to playgroup/the farm/friends houses etc every morning and I could visit family for some support. Now it's just an endless slog and I feel like I'm failing them both. I'm just so tired- and it's only getting more difficult. I often think about how much easier this would be if I only had one to deal with - and then I feel horrible for not enjoying them and wishing away this time.

Hey, it's a difficult time. Dont feel guilty about feeling bad just because the NHS workers are having such a bad time. Good mental health as times like this is hard enough to maintain and when all the support structures are taken away then life becomes shit quickly. Nobody knows what it's like unless they have lived it. Having to juggle 2 kids is hard especially with one young and one slightly older. Sleep is important and when we had our second it was hard in the nights until sleep became more regular. What about your partner as the burden needs to be shared and you need to sleep whenever you can to recuperate. Take shifts. If you are single then the burden is a great one and it is important that whilst you feel tired that you get out and take some sun and some greenery. The fresh air will help and it means that the kids also will be more synchronized with their sleep patterns as being in means the cardain cycle routine is lost and this causes mayhem. What you have to do is try to take naps as even a short nap when the baby is asleep is better than none at all. Of course with the older child, this is hard but year olds tend to be full of energy and then asleep the next minute. It sounds like you need some sleep to recharge your batteries and this must be your priority as lack of sleep degrades your abilities to cope. I know this is not that much by way of help and is stating the obvious.

You can see you're not alone. Another one with a 2 year old and 6 month old and it is a slog day in day out!

I am exhausted, with breastfeeding and toddler regression (there's always a bloody regression) I would give anything for a decent sleep to be able to handle the next day!

I've found forcing myself out for a morning walk breaks up the day but that's easier said than done.

I really really feel for you OP. I have a 1 year old and 2.5 year old, so not the same intensity of baby night feeds etc., but with the added fun of crawling, climbing things, pulling everything out and constant sibling fighting. It sucks!

I have often had the same thoughts - this would be so much easier if I only had one of them. If I only had the toddler, we could spend so much more time playing in the garden, do crafts, playing games etc if the baby wasn't around destroying everything. If I only had the baby, I could go on walks easier with him in the backpack, have some time to myself during naptime etc. If I only had one, I wouldn't be constantly breaking up fights and yelling 'share' every five minutes.

I feel awful for feeling like this as I love them both so much and couldn't be without either of them. These are abnormal circumstances, so don't worry about having abnormal thoughts. I can give you any help, but you are 100% not alone in the this. I'm just scraping by one day at a time on unlimited screen time, snacks and coffee - all my usual rules have gone out of the window!

Have you got a double buggy? I would take the out twice. Once in the morning to the park for ‘exercise’ and once in the afternoon for a walk only. Give the the 3 year old a packet of rice cakes etc and just do some laps. I know you’re not meant to go out more than once a day, but I would have gone loopy (I had 2 under 2, then 3 under 5 so I understand).

Really feel for you. Try and get our everyday. Does your older one have a balance bike or scooter? We got to the park everyday at 10 religiously. They rise round and round the paths. We stop for a snack on the grass and I take bubbles and a ball. We’re out for 60-90 mins and it really helps.

Just come on here in a tearful state as feel like I'm not coping and saw you're post which I relate to so much! I have a (just turned) 4 year old and a 15 month old and DH is a key worker so mostly on my own and still expected to work from home. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I've had good and bad days throughout this - today's starting out bad I feel trapped and like I'm not coping. But going off previous bad days I really think the key is taking 1 day at a time and not focussing on the long term as that feels overwhelming. You're in a tough place with the ages of yours and like others have said just do what you need to do to make life easier. I remember the early days when I'd had my 2nd - it's hard going even without this lockdown so I do feel for you but take 1 day at a time and this WILL pass eventually and you can enjoy your baby a bit more. Xxxx

I would have struggled too, that is disgraceful that a HV hasn't got back to you, I am terrified for a lot of women who are struggling.

You poor poor thing. It’s hard enough with lockdown.

You have absolutely got one of the hardest at home situations OP, I was in a similar position this time last year and even though I'm finding this hard with a 4 and 1 year old, I would've found it a million times harder if it had happened last year.

You're allowed to feel like this. Your hormones are also still raging. I would phone your GP, I suffered badly with PN anxiety and ended up on meds, and it was the best decision i made in the end.

Do you have a partner at home? Try and get out alone once a day if so, take your exercise alone if you can. You need the headspace. Brighter days will come, now do what you need to do to survive.

Sending so much sympathy and solidarity OP. It’s such a tough time anyway but add in the cabin fever and lack of support and it feels like an uphill struggle but you will get through this!
I say this as someone at home with a 7 week old, 4 and 5 year old. I’ve had some good and awful days as I feel I’m stretched so far trying to meet everyone’s needs. I was so looking forward to having days with the baby whilst the others were at nursery/school, going to baby classes, meeting friends and spending time with my parents. It does feel like I’ve been robbed of the maternity leave I was so looking forward to. But things will get better! Please do try and get some support; I’d keep trying the HV or see if you can get a telephone appointment with your GP. It sucks OP. Hand hold from one run down mother to another!

waves
I've got a 10 week old and a just turned 4 year old.
DS2 is a lovely easy baby and we're all so happy he's here with us but I'm so sad about how my maternity leave is shaping up especially as I completely missed all of last summer and autumn in bed with hyperemisis.

Holiday in August to Lombardy(!!) to meet great grandma - looking very unlikely
Driving lessons I saved up for - also looking very unlikely
Lovely baby classes - no
We're back in my home town with my DM and school friends, in normal circumstances I'd be out for coffee and playdates everyday.
The cherry on the cake is I still have to do my MSc dissertation I deferred due to hyperemisis - but there's no nursery and DH needs the laptop during the day. So dissertation at night then!
And I live in a flat sigh

Thanks for letting me share, I try not to moan too much to RL friends as I know lots of others are worse off.

My only bit of advice is try not to put too much pressure on yourself, I aim for 1 lot of exercise (usually a bike ride, though not everyday as we all have hayfever) and 1 educational activity a day for DS1, apart from that he watches cartoons and plays with his toys.

Thanks so much for all your messages it’s made me cry but also feel so much better. Good to know others in the same situation feel similarly (sending lots of love to you all) and thanks for all the practical advice.
I will contact my HV again and GP even if it’s just for a chat on the phone. I’m not sure if it is PND or just a response to the situation but I did that PND screening tool and scored quite highly.
I am trying to be positive and remember things will get better and we will get through it. I think what I find so sad is that this is time we won’t get back and the first few months of DC2 life I will look back on remembering my unhappiness and stress rather than my lovely baby. But hey perhaps we can make up for lost time soon.
Thanks again and keep strong all!

I found a playpen useful, put one child in, for five minute break to go to the toilet, while the baby is safe in carrycot or something.
You can make lunch in 10 mins safely.
It just makes life a bit easier.
A friend used to call it my baby prison, as my two/three year old, liked a sleep in theirs with lots of cushions, for their morning nap
But they let their child go wild, so just do what’s easier to make your life bearable

Some amazing advice.
I only have one DC so I can't relate.. but some great tips in regards to keeping the toddler busy.
Try and get yourself out for a walk. You are allowed to take food and a drink.
Even if it's for a few hours just to take up the day.
Film days for the crappier weather.
And if your eldest will sit in bed for a little bit just playing then bonus points.

@FluffyBlackPoodle

My DD play pen is a life saver.
I dont know how people cope without them.
Even just to pee in (relative) peace!

the first few months of DC2 life I will look back on remembering my unhappiness and stress

You won't op. I was totally miserable for various reasons when my DD was a baby and it was a difficult time. I still look back on it with fondness somehow, and barely think about it now 7 years later. Each stage passes and the next one begins, and you'll have loads of fond memories soon enough. Def get in touch with your HV it's important to keep a check on your mental health.

@Ploughingthrough thank you that’s so reassuring

I second @Ploughingthrough
Eight months of DS2's life was a really tough time for me. I don't regret it at all and I don't feel guilty. I am really proud of myself for getting through it and now on the other side he is the light of my life. I often think even if I died tomorrow I would still be one of the luckiest people on earth. Whereas in the first year of second DS I was just getting through each day waiting for the point where it would get easier and wondering what I had done.