Really struggling with my DD's lack of motivation to entertain herself

[thepeopleversuswork]

Hi everyone, I know a lot of people are struggling with this and its difficult but I can't help feeling my DD, who is 9, is unusually unwilling to self-motivate at this time.

I'm a lone parent and am wfh (more or less all the time). Need to be on calls and zooms constantly dealing with client stuff. I spend my entire life moving from room to room to avoid the background noise she makes. It's a constant process of bargaining with her just to get half an hour of quiet, uninterrupted time for long enough to speak to a client or get some work done. She's prone to popping up and shouting in the background when I'm speaking to clients and colleagues. It's incredibly stressful. I've explained to her numerous times why it jeopardises my job and she can't do it and she just doesn't get it.

Inevitably, this has led to my having to resort to screen time -- she's had waaay too much of this over the past four weeks. Every time she's left alone for more than half an hour she creeps back and asks if she can play on the tablet/watch tv/insert whatever here. With the best will in the world, active play requires a degree of supervision or parental input and I simply can't provide enough to create the level of direction and stimulation she needs.

I'm both absolutely at my wits end with it and wracked with guilt. On the one hand I feel she's become incredibly over dependent on screens and its impacting her ability to self-motivate. on the other hand I literally can't work if she doesn't go on screens.

I'm becoming incredibly irritable and am struggling and just about managing not to lose my temper with her when I'm interrupted for the fifth time straight when on a client call with a call of "what can I do?" But it's incredibly stressful. I feel that I'm constantly on edge, I never ever have any down time at all and I'm a constant state of trying to get enough clear head space just to be able to do my job to a standard where I don't lose it.

I know there's a limit to what I can do, but is this something which will damage her long-term? Is there anything I can do to alleviate some of this? It's just an endless cycle of guilt, boredom, depression and stress.

just sending you hugs!

I have a 14 year old son that is also unable to do anything besides screen time.... I wish I knew what to do!

The obvious answer is to let the be bored, but until (or if) they manage to get to the other side life can be impossible!

How can you be expected to work all the time? You need to have set work hours and stick to them. My DS is on screens a lot while I'm working but then I stop, and we interact. She needs your attention, now more than ever. I know it's tough but she's lost her school life, her friends and her stimulation and you're expecting her to be able to entertain herself on top?

Just give up feeling guilty about screentime. There's very little evidence that it is bad for children, so just try and let it go. Spend some of the non-working time doing something together that you both enjoy and that's parenting done!

Seriously, we all need to get through this in whatever way we can. No harm will be done to your child by letting them enjoy themself watching tv / playing games, whilst you work.

CodenameVilanelle I can't set work hours. It just doesn't work like that in my industry. I am expected to be on hand all the time. If I "set work hours" I'd be fired. What do you expect me to do about it?

Well then, let her watch the screens. What else can you do?

www.today.com/parents/child-regression-signs-regression-kids-what-do-about-it-t177861

My daughter is a bit younger than yours but what I have found helpful is having a plan/timetable. Very loosely anyway and use it as a guide.
I've found one thing about school is the security and schedule of knowing what they need to do and my daughter is def missing that even though she has no special needs around routine etc.
Can you sit down and plan what she can or has to do on what days?
A mix of fun things, school stuff to be done, obviously would have to be things she could do independently too.

Set her a long list of chores/tasks to do 'when she's bored'. Every time she comes to you, just point to the list. When she's completed the list she gets her screen time.

Mine are spending a lot of time on screens, making things in minecraft, drawing and making animated films, speaking with cousins and school friends, playing times tables rock stars, and watching some crap on YouTube too. It really doesn’t bother me.

I have this too! I am WFH in full on job whilst DD (also 9) is mostly entertaining herself. We have reasonably good days, and some bad days too.

I have decided all bets are off re screentime.....she's an only child, screens are the only way she interacts with other kids at the moment, e.g. she often plays a game online with a RL friend and they are on skype or whatsapp chat at the same time...it's the COVID equivalent of a playdate.

And not all screen time is equal....I try and encourage her to play different games, and watch a movie or TV....just to avoid spending too much time with eyes and brain completely immersed in one thing.

Some of the games she is playing, they're actually great, solving tasks/challenges and practicing to be better at something....it's not all bad just because it is screens.

And she reads a lot as well, and uses youtube videos to learn or practice a hobby. We try and get out once a day when I can. Also I have re-allocated my annual leave so I have one afternoon off a week for the next 12 weeks, so that we always have that time away from work and screens.

I can't really expect her to spend hours just playing in the garden on her own, or with toys on her own (and at 9 she's grown out of littls kid toys).

For us, I'm just trying to focus on the variety of different activities, even if many of them are delivered via screens of one sort or another. And we'll get through this, it won't be forever, and we are all doing our best.

You need to challenge your assumption that you can work a full normal day as well as homeschool/care for a 9 year old.

I realise it is frightening to make your needs known to your work but you need to.

I think this idea that you will be "fired" for being in a situation which all working parents are in at the moment, is something coming from inside you. Are you making your work out to be more of a monster than they really are? Is it really your work that is so harsh and unable to understand, or it is it a part of you doing it to yourself?

Your user name suggests you have a kind of masochistic attitude to your work, that no kind of understand or cooperation will be possible.

Perhaps you prefer to assume that, and be wracked with guilt and irritation towards your DD, than to have to tell your work that you need something from them.

I speak from experience as someone who used to relate to my work as a persecutor but who has over the years realised that this is an internal state of mind.

It's not your job to entertain your child. Through boredom comes creativity (Google it) They have to get bored to find their way to something to do. It will take a few days to wean them off screens but they will stop asking.

Bumpsadaisie I understand this in theory. In practice it just doesn't work like this in my industry. It's very much a culture of having to be seen to be always on. If you're not ready to drop everything to deal with clients, you're not seen not to be pulling your weight and at this particular time, when people are threatened with job cuts and we're not actually visible to our employers there's an added impetus to being seen to be able to drop everything.

You may partly be right that its a state of mind I impose on myself. But I can assure you its also very real -- I've had to do a call for the last three nights running at between 8pm and 9.30pm with a client. If i said to my boss I am not prepared to do it because its outside of work hours I would literally be facing a disciplinary over it.

You may be right that there's a conversation to be had about imposition of work time into personal time. But this is probably not the best time to be introducing this theme into discussion with my boss.

I would literally be facing a disciplinary

Would you? Or is that that you think you would?

You imagine that you know how your employer would respond. And then form a view on what you absolutely HAVE to do, based on what you imagine. But you actually don't know how they would respond.

If i said to my boss I am not prepared to do it because its outside of work hours

Hmm. It's how you talk about it with them isn't it. If you make a pronouncement that you will stop doing all evening calls chances are they will be frustrated with you. But what if you said "I will do this call because obviously we can't let the client down. But it's going to be very difficult for me to arrange things in future for this time of night...."

You may be right that there's a conversation to be had about imposition of work time into personal time. But this is probably not the best time to be introducing this theme into discussion with my boss.

Hmm, yes. It is a difficult thing, to firmly state your needs in a non-confrontational way. It's never going to feel easy or the right time to have that kind of conversation especially if you view your employers as such tyrants and you are expecting such a lack of understanding from them. But employers respect people who can calmly advocate for their own reasonable needs. You might be surprised.

If it really is the case in reality that your employer truly expects all this at a time like this and that if you don't provide instant compliance with their demands, you will be in disciplinary, then you need to think about why you are doing this job when it is not meeting your needs or those of your family and find an exit route.

Difficult to hear I guess but trying to be helpful.

2 things-

1. Employers and clients understand that there will be children and noise in the background. It's just how it is at the moment.
2. Don't feel guilty about the screen time. That's also just how it is at the moment. Circumstances are extreme. Go with whatever works. We're all in the same boat.

I have the same issues.

My DD is having way too much screen time even her school work is all online!

My thinking is that it's a few weeks out of her life, once this is over I will be a lot stricter on screen time (by then she will probably be bored of it).

I have found that giving my DD something to do eg printing out a crossword, starting a craft or something gets her more engaged than when I expect her to just find something by herself

What about time tabling her day? And as part of that building in breaks from work when you can be together. So eg

8-9 breakfast together, child loads dishwasher, mum puts on laundry

9-10.30 English worksheets, if finished read 3 chapters of book x
10.30-10.45 tea break and chat together
10.45-11.45 mathletics and maths sheets
11.45-12.15 educational tv
12.15 -1 lunch - help make and clear up

Etc etc

I hear you OP. I HEAR YOU and I empathise. I have a 9 year old only child too and he's driving me insane at the moment.

Sit down and have a Serious Talk with DD tonight. Get a bit of paper and make some rules. i.e if the door is closed you are not allowed to come in unless an emergency. Explain why. Again and again!

I have a points system with DS that is pure bribery. If he entertains himself for 30 minutes without screens he gets a point. Which equals 50p. Paid weekly and he can spend this on Roblox.

Just let her have as much screen time as she wants during this time. When you've finished working you can do something with her. without having to ask for screen time she may even direct herself to other things voluntarily. Have colouring stuff etc within in view and easy reach too.

It is a hard situation, OP.

As hard as it is to hear, Bumpsadaisy is right on the money here.

I know it feels scary to advocate your needs here, but you need some sort of boundaries around your work so that you can be available for your daughter. Her behaviour is seeking attention, because she needs you.

Just posting for solidarity OP. For my 9yr old, life doesn't exist except screens at the moment. I don't know what the answer is but it's not forever. I think it's going to be a losing battle fighting screen use right now.

My 9 year old also needs constant input but im not a loneparent and only work time. It must be so hard for you.
I have found alot of stuff on face book. She does a maths lesson at 10 then tweedy the clown at 12 watches the aquarium feeding and listens to david walliams at 11. She seems happy to do these things.
Can a family member or friend spend some time on face time with her reading books or playing games?

It's so stressful and I really feel for you. I would just allow plenty of screen time. I started off trying to work and ensure lots of educational non screen time with a fairly demanding 8 year old (also a single parent) but it was just so hard so expectations have slipped!

I try and vary what type of screen and make some of it social time. Can you find any clubs that can be attended via Zoom? Or just vid chatting with family or friends while they do a hobby/craft? DS is playing minecraft with a friend just now while they simultaneously zoom chat.

Maybe try and have a few mins whenever you can in between calls where you're fully engaged with her. DS loves it when I play a quick game on his tablet with him and am fully into it or we sing a silly song or do a clapping game as quick as we can ("A sailor went to sea, sea, sea...."). Something that will make us both laugh. I'm trying to be mindful of the fact that he doesn't have any siblings and has lost all his friend interactions. A few weeks or even months of screen time won't ruin them forever.

Time to become fully at peace with screen time, all the screen time that will get you both through this crisis :)

A couple of thing, firstly explain to her that if this was school and the teacher was constantly interupted during lesson time and wasn't able to teach the children, the teacher would get in trouble with the head teacher. She should be able to understand this is the same for you and she wouldn't want to get you in trouble with your boss (head teacher)

Secondly, please don't sweat the screen time. I have a disability so my own children have had way more screen time than the government would suggest. But the emphasis is on quality stuff, entertaining but educational.

Minecraft has seriously taught my children a lot, not just names of gems or hardness of gems but automated systems, such as self watering farms and the use of redstone which is technically electrical circuits. My sons are now 17 and 14, academically in the top sets and at the top of those sets.

It is difficult when there are no other children to play with, you need to cut yourself some slack and screen time will not fry your DD's brain. This is hopefully something that will not go on for years. Just do your best.