Really struggling with my DD's lack of motivation to entertain herself

[thepeopleversuswork]

Hi everyone, I know a lot of people are struggling with this and its difficult but I can't help feeling my DD, who is 9, is unusually unwilling to self-motivate at this time.

I'm a lone parent and am wfh (more or less all the time). Need to be on calls and zooms constantly dealing with client stuff. I spend my entire life moving from room to room to avoid the background noise she makes. It's a constant process of bargaining with her just to get half an hour of quiet, uninterrupted time for long enough to speak to a client or get some work done. She's prone to popping up and shouting in the background when I'm speaking to clients and colleagues. It's incredibly stressful. I've explained to her numerous times why it jeopardises my job and she can't do it and she just doesn't get it.

Inevitably, this has led to my having to resort to screen time -- she's had waaay too much of this over the past four weeks. Every time she's left alone for more than half an hour she creeps back and asks if she can play on the tablet/watch tv/insert whatever here. With the best will in the world, active play requires a degree of supervision or parental input and I simply can't provide enough to create the level of direction and stimulation she needs.

I'm both absolutely at my wits end with it and wracked with guilt. On the one hand I feel she's become incredibly over dependent on screens and its impacting her ability to self-motivate. on the other hand I literally can't work if she doesn't go on screens.

I'm becoming incredibly irritable and am struggling and just about managing not to lose my temper with her when I'm interrupted for the fifth time straight when on a client call with a call of "what can I do?" But it's incredibly stressful. I feel that I'm constantly on edge, I never ever have any down time at all and I'm a constant state of trying to get enough clear head space just to be able to do my job to a standard where I don't lose it.

I know there's a limit to what I can do, but is this something which will damage her long-term? Is there anything I can do to alleviate some of this? It's just an endless cycle of guilt, boredom, depression and stress.

Thanks all, I appreciate the ideas and the kindness.

Some useful advice from people about ways to structure the day.

I realise a very large number of people are in a similar position. Generally speaking I'm just very grateful to be able to work from home and protect our health.

Today it just got to me. It's just the absolute relentlessness of never ever being able to focus properly on either of the two jobs I am supposed to be doing and feeling that I am constantly CONSTANTLY being asked by someone to do something for them - I can't go to the loo without being followed and I can't do half a job without being asked for something to do -- on the flip side my employer thinks nothing of asking me to interrupt meal times to do non-essential work.

I know most parents feel like this to some extent but when you're own there's no one else to pick up any slack and no safety valve. And the fact my colleagues (all of whom have either a spouse or a nanny or both) are constantly giving me jobs at antisocial hours and yet demanding "child time" during the day. It just really got to me.

Those of you saying I need to put down a bit more with work, long term you're right and its not sustainable. I guess because I'm still fairly new in my job (less than a year) and because of the precarious economic situation we find ourselves in, I just don't feel I can rock the boat at the moment.

Give her the tablet. These are not normal times. She is being particularly needy because she is missing the direction of school and the social input of friends. Don't feel guilty about prioritising your job; it is more important that you keep your job.

These are exceptional times .. stop beating yourself up .. my kids are 23 and 19 now .. one has a first.. the other is at uni ... I used to regularly shove them in front of teletubbies !!! .. IPads weren't invented !!! We are all just bumbling along so don't worry about arts and crafts and timetables ..

Just let her use her screen. You can't be everything to everyone. If she's happy on her screen then let her be.

Single parent here too. It is literally impossible so cut yourself some slack. Let her go on the tablet.

If it puts any of this in perspective, my colleague’s 8 year old was seriously ill a couple of years ago. Spent months in hospital. Gruelling treatment. The only thing that got him through was his tablet - on it the whole time to the point of obsession. The parents figured ‘whatever it takes to get him through’.

And he is through and doing well physically and emotionally and no more screen addicted than his friends.

Needs must I say. It’s not ideal but we are just trying to get through.

Is she into crafts, can you get her to make you something for when you've finished work.
Maybe tell her she can have a treat for being responsible and being quiet whilst you work, as it really helps.
But screen time isn't so bad, especially if you encourage her to do something educational.

My 8 year old is very similar - always has been. It's broken me earlier in this lockdown, but we (touch wood) seem to have got into a relatively stable pattern now.

What has helped has been:
-accept standards will be less than normal. It's a global pandemic, the likes of which we've not seen in over a century - the only difference is now we have shit like instagram to make you feel shit about surviving
-we have a semi-timetable going now... PE with Joe... 10 min break... 15 mins reading time (either to herself or doing a reading journal school have them doing)... 15 minutes break or so - then two 30 minute stints on the online learning stuff school have - with a break for a hot chocolate in the middle.

We use the kitchen timer to time it and she knows she has to focus on that stuff for that time - and then I let the screen time roll the rest of the time - but she's actually discovered powerpoint and making presentations on that, and got really really into animation on an iPad app (like on Art Ninja) so a lot of what she's doing is actually very very constructive, and even when she's watching stuff on it it tends to be drawing videos she's working along with.

I don't know wo is worse, your daughtr or your colleagues. I tinkk you need to put boundaries in place that they aren't to interupt you if you are eating. I think that being seen as dependable lets others view you wit contempt - it is why I don't have that many friends.
If they ask why, justify yourself in baby steps, even if its ''I am eating food because if I don't eat food I'll get sick and starve. I cannot function if I don't eat food" . If they are interrupting toiletting then they'll back off if you break it down to them...

We’re wfh and the only reason we’re surviving is with unlimited iPad and telly for the kids! It’s not forever...
Give yourself a break

However bad it is for you, it sounds like it is ever worse for her. She's only 9.

JohnMcCain'sDeathStare
You're being a bit literal about this - its not that they would actually over-rule me if I said I wanted a break for lunch. It's more a constant drip-feed of stuff coming in with a "you wouldn't mind doing this would you?" combined with passive aggressive comments about how stuff isn't getting done fast enough. Yes in theory I could say I can't do it. But in an environment where its last in first out, and where they are looking for efficiencies, its much harder to do this.

Its life, I have to suck it up. But it does irritate me that the people with the best childcare support seem to be able to shout the loudest about their "needs" for downtime with their kids. Those of us who never ever get any downtime with our kids are the ones who seem to get asked to do the shitty jobs late at night and the endless conference calls at antisocial hours.

I think there is a part of you that really looks down on and resents those people who make their needs known.

It is like this harsh part of you tramples all over the part of you that might say "I need something, too".

You're also choosing to live a nightmare of feeling guilty about your daughter and running yourself ragged because you can't tolerate the discomfort of a few passive aggressive comments. And I think you catastrophise the potential outcome of making your reasonable needs known (ie "but I'll be fired!!!)

Who cares what passive aggressive comments they make if you know in your own mind that you are doing what is reasonably possible terms of balancing the needs of your job against those of your daughter.

I know it's difficult and I know it must be really hard to be a lone parent with job anxieties and no one to share the responsibilities of life with. I'm not saying it's easy or that I don't have every sympathy.

But you are playing a big part in this problem situation you're having and it's clear as day to the outside observer.

You don't have to "suck it up". You can make your reasonable needs known. If that is to no avail then you can stay with it but plan your exit strategy to protect yourself and your family.

You'd feel a lot better if you didn't go through life thinking you have to suck up whatever is thrown at you.

And in fact it is also a a defence against having to have the conversations that you will find stressful and uncomfortable.

Those conversations are hard for everyone to have (including your colleagues I don't doubt) but you do feel much better and like you have agency over your life if you tolerate the discomfort and have them.

I must say op your last post is a bit odd. There isn’t any special treatment for people with nannies or people who are married (I am a single parent too). If that’s what you mean - sorry I wasnt too sure. People who say what they want though do tend to get what they want - to the extent that it’s possible.

I think you are new in your job? That makes things scarier but I think you need to do a little bit of ringfencing. ‘I’m not going to do a call after 6pm tonight as I need to spend some time with DD. Be back on line tomorrow at 9am’ or whatever. See how that goes and then start assembling a few rules like that around yourself. My bet is that’s what everyone else is doing.

My dd is 10 and exactly the same.

It is so hard! She has even reverted to speaking in a baby voice a lot.

Things I have done to try to alleviate this:

•she isn't allowed a screen until 4pm
• she does Joe wicks every morning ( she loves this)
• she has a zoom with some friends every other day
• I buy her one creative toy a week through lockdown, so far she has had modelling clay, those big pegs and sheets to make an outside den, pavement chalks, and Ive just ordered her some coloured wool and a potato peeler for forest school based activities i researched .
• My dad has been writing to her as pen pal
• my mum has been sending her a new book a week

These new things would'y normally happen but I've found they help to provide excitement and stimulation and me a little bit of peace!

I’d have to agree, the issue here is that you aren’t asserting boundaries in any part of your life.

You could be a lot firmer with your DD, when I skimmed your OP I thought she’d be a toddler or something, but 9???

You need to be the boss of your relationship with her, she is very much old enough to know not to interrupt you while you are working.

I know it’s a bit of a sweeping generalisation, and I don’t mean to offend at all, but this parenting dynamic seems really common in single parent/only child families. (I have an only too btw, it’s no judgement,)

It’s almost as if you have somehow become equals, rather than parent and child. I’d suggest reasserting the fact that you are in charge and perhaps think about some consequences/discipline?

I think you would both benefit from this rebalancing. Oh, and don’t sweat the screen time!

I don’t know why you’re beating yourself up about the screen time. If it works who cares?! Seriously a few weeks of being glued to an iPad isn’t going to do any long term damage and if it saves your job and your sanity go for it!

I never understand why people get so uptight about screen time. My kids - aged 7 and 17 - always have unlimited screen time. The irony being that because it’s always available they actually don’t always want to go on them.. they do lots of other stuff too and at the moment we always make sure we go out for a very long walk everyday as well.

I really don’t think - especially at the moment - these things are worth getting stressed about.

OP i work in professional services. I've changed role recently but the job security in my previous role is so bad now I absolutely would be taking anything thrown at me. What you are describing is the nature of the role. Some people work harder than others. In normal times I would completely agree you need to carve out a distinction between work and family time, but I disagree with previous posters to do that now. You should work on making it very clear how much you are doing though and try to make sure you're doing the work that counts rather than the shit that no one's going to care about when considering redundancies (in my profession, being busy doing actual billable work rather than faffing around with presentations, articles and proposals that aren't going anywhere except to make a partner look better).

What has worked a bit for me is a timetable as others have suggested. My kids have a whiteboard with their schedule on and a clock that they can check the time on. It's not perfect and I still get interrupted a lot but it's far better than before.

Also, just stop stressing about the screen time. It's not going to have a long term impact (but discuss with her what she's watching of course). Do what is needed to get both of you through this, with (if in your control) a job at the end of it.

I am also working full time in a demanding job with four children. Youngest is 10.

What I have realised from earlier in, is that you have to lower your expectations all round.

Clients will understand having a child in thr background, it is actually refreshing for this to happen without panicking

Use of screens, well mine are all in a lot, but doing different things? For example, talking to their friends, doing online revisiin/schooling, Minecraft etc... I don't see anything wrong with it as long as they don't get addicted to one thing.

My 10 year old has a loose timetable too where she has to do some hoise chores, half an hour reading a book, practise some songs ans she also spent hours doing some crafts for Easter. It does require me setting it out and have her sat with me to start with, but then I can just walk away.

It's not easy and I do empathise.

You are creating a viscous circle for yourself. Colleagues cannot demand child time for themselves but not let you have a break.

What do you do that is so demanding?

I think everyone understands. I was on the phone with a lawyer yesterday having v serious and important conversation and all I could hear was the guy’s child in the background shouting “Daaaaaaad I need a POOOOO”

I think you need to be firmer with your employer and firmer with your daughter. There is a global pandemic going on, your employer can not expect the same level of work out of you, it's just not going to happen. Be realistic as to what you can achieve and relay that to your manager. Your daughter is 9, that is old enough to know better than to pop up on phone calls when you've explicitly told her she can't do that, I have a 9 year old (and an WFH) and I'd be livid with him if he did that. But if you're planning on working long hours in the day with no interaction with your daughter, she will play up, so this is where we circle back to your employer. You can't be full on SAHM and you can't be the FT employer you were before schools shut, stop putting pressure on yourself to do both, negotiate with them both.

My tips would be:

1. Re-organisation of space Where do you currently work? I suggest that you somehow organise your space so that she can be with you but not be on top of you, if you see what I mean. Could you set yourself up on a larger table so that you work at one end and she 'works' at the other? Get masking tape and tape a square on the floor which is the protected zone in which you sit for calls etc - aligned with your camera view of course.

I don't agree that screen time is the only solution - personally I find it very addictive and it makes me zoned-out and irritable, which of course can only be solved by more screen time... By all means use it, but you might find it better to keep it for specific times. Table activities could include:

colouring
simple paper crafts
puzzles
jigsaws
small toys
lego
reading
writing a diary or newspaper
playdough - yes, she will still enjoy it

But, whatever the activity I think that you need to spend even a couple of minutes beginning it with her and then check back in at the end. Interaction with you is clearly what she is craving.

1. Setting boundaries with work

Speak to your manager ASAP and say that the current arrangement isn't working. You cannot work alone at home without childcare - something has to give. At the moment you are where the buck stops and you need to firmly send it on elsewhere.

Get up early and get a good bout of work done between 6.00 and 9.00, while your daughter is waking up and getting dressed. Then spend some time with her and be back online for 10.00. Schedule in another gap at lunchtime. Don't answer calls or agree to calls after 6pm. Be firm but friendly with your colleagues.

'Sorry, I am not doing evening calls anymore with children at home. Nightmare! I can do 11.00 or 2pm tomorrow if that works for you?'

You will be surprised by how much people respect someone who puts down firm boundaries.

My number one rule at work since having children is 'never agree to something that you can't do', whether that is a 9.00 meeting somewhere inconvenient or a call on a day when I don't have childcare. It took a while for me to get to there but I have been working that way for about 6 years and haven't been fired yet.

@CodenameVillanelle Thanks you for linking to that article. My five year old is being hard work and I keep reminding myself to be patient, but that article really articulated why he’s behaving like he is. I’ve shown it the DH too.

I am working from home with 3 kids, one who is learning disabled. A lifesaver for me has been using my son's gaming headset for work video calls which means people on my work call do not have to listen to too much background noise. If you use Microsoft Teams you can blur your background, although I have discovered that if someone behind you gets too close they will come in to focus ( my disabled son has been peering over my shoulder).