Really struggling with my DD's lack of motivation to entertain herself

[thepeopleversuswork]

Hi everyone, I know a lot of people are struggling with this and its difficult but I can't help feeling my DD, who is 9, is unusually unwilling to self-motivate at this time.

I'm a lone parent and am wfh (more or less all the time). Need to be on calls and zooms constantly dealing with client stuff. I spend my entire life moving from room to room to avoid the background noise she makes. It's a constant process of bargaining with her just to get half an hour of quiet, uninterrupted time for long enough to speak to a client or get some work done. She's prone to popping up and shouting in the background when I'm speaking to clients and colleagues. It's incredibly stressful. I've explained to her numerous times why it jeopardises my job and she can't do it and she just doesn't get it.

Inevitably, this has led to my having to resort to screen time -- she's had waaay too much of this over the past four weeks. Every time she's left alone for more than half an hour she creeps back and asks if she can play on the tablet/watch tv/insert whatever here. With the best will in the world, active play requires a degree of supervision or parental input and I simply can't provide enough to create the level of direction and stimulation she needs.

I'm both absolutely at my wits end with it and wracked with guilt. On the one hand I feel she's become incredibly over dependent on screens and its impacting her ability to self-motivate. on the other hand I literally can't work if she doesn't go on screens.

I'm becoming incredibly irritable and am struggling and just about managing not to lose my temper with her when I'm interrupted for the fifth time straight when on a client call with a call of "what can I do?" But it's incredibly stressful. I feel that I'm constantly on edge, I never ever have any down time at all and I'm a constant state of trying to get enough clear head space just to be able to do my job to a standard where I don't lose it.

I know there's a limit to what I can do, but is this something which will damage her long-term? Is there anything I can do to alleviate some of this? It's just an endless cycle of guilt, boredom, depression and stress.

Shouldnt you be looking to changing your job? It doesnt sound like you have enough time to look after your daughter! I commend you as a single parent and all, but I feel sorry for her really! She wants time with you and its not ideal that she has so much screen time. She might grow up really resenting you and your job.

She needs a routine. It'll take a while for you to set up. Bags with activities in where she can choose which to do. Look up teacher time fillers.
Then have scheduled in two screen times one am one pm.
Then have a star that you can give her at lunch and end of day which gives her another twenty minutes, this is for you to reward her for being grown up and getting on with her work.

She should get a new job because of a global pandemic?!? Good lord!
Life has had to adapt for everyone.

I think if you end up in a circumstance where it's made clear to you that your employer considers your work more important than your family, then it is time to consider whether you are in the right job.
Obviously now is not the time to go job hunting, and earning money is vital, but it is putting into sharp relief our work/life balance.
The adage that on their death bed nobody says they wish they had spent more time in the office remains true.

@NikeDeLaSwoosh *I know it’s a bit of a sweeping generalisation, and I don’t mean to offend at all, but this parenting dynamic seems really common in single parent/only child families. (I have an only too btw, it’s no judgement,)

It’s almost as if you have somehow become equals, rather than parent and child. I’d suggest reasserting the fact that you are in charge and perhaps think about some consequences/discipline? *

You're right, it is a really different dynamic with a single parent and an only but it's not really because you've become equals. It;s just a very intense relationhip that I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been in it (that's not a critisism - I certainly wouldn' t have before I was a single parent of an only!).

It takes a lot to give them enough emotional connection when there are just 2 of you in the household. It means things end up looking a little different but I think it often works out OK in the end (even if they drive us slightly crazy in the meantime ). Fwiw, although my DS is fairly demanding in the time we have together (not generally badly behaved, just intense), he is great at school, childminders, with friends, good at sharing, popular etc. He just craves that connection from me, particularly at the moment.

That's my experience anyway and similar to a few other single parents of only children that I know. Sorry - didn't mean to derail the thread a bit! Just felt like there was another side to add that is maybe part of what OP is currently experiencing.

Oops, bold fail there.

I agree with the timetable thing. Also, stop moving around. Laptop gets set up in one place and stays there. Door closed means on a call, no interruptions. Otherwise open the door. Build in time to see her. I'm not working today, but mine get 30 minutes housework, and a 30 minute break with a parent, (but there are 2 of us tagteaming).
My colleague is terrified of having her kids interrupt a call. I've had mine interupt 2. Neither of those people know not care whether it was a one off or if my kids interrupt every single call. Speak to her about this stuff and have her help build a timetable that works. Print off worksheets for the week, plus pick a project you will help with in between times! I never used to allow screen time in the morning. If they've done what is required and the weather isn't great, I do now! It is a hard time for all of us. Kids are used to being a priority when parents are home, now they aren't (I try hard to not blur boundaries of home and work) - obviously we keep them safe, but our attention is on something or someone else.

@Tsubasa1 not sure there are going to be many jobs going during a pandemic? 🤔
Sounds like the nature of the OP’s industry in general is intense, not just that specific work place.

OP, I hear you and feel for you, I really do.
I was a single parent to DD (also now 9) until very recently. The first few years of being a single parent, I had to work my arse off in the most stressful role I’d ever had, in an industry (Fashion) dominated by people who work crazy hours, never switch off, everyone has to be ‘on it’ at every hour of the day and night.
At that time, I worked for a single gay guy who just didn’t understand that people had lives outside of work. I’d run from dropping DD at nursery to try to get to the office for 9.30, dash back to collect her at 6pm, diet dinner, put her to bed, then was often expected to begin working again until about midnight (our clients were in lots of different time zones).
As it was a new role, and I’d been there less than a year, like you I felt I couldn’t rock the boat or say no to things my boss asked.
I did that for nearly 3 years, and it almost broke me, so I TOTALLY understand how you feel.

Back to solutions for now, though:

My DD is exactly the same as yours. She’d be watching TV, on my phone or laptop all day if she could. She’s an only child too, and struggles to play by herself.
Having said that, I’m not hugely bothered by screen time, as long as it’s not just mindless stuff.
DD is very into nature documentaries and things like Race Around The World.
Could she maybe watch things like this, then do a little project based on what she’s watched? Eg, DD is doing fact sheets on the countries they’ve been to on RATW...

The best thing I’ve found to give me a good hour of uninterrupted time is to get my parents to ‘babysit’.
Clearly, this only works if your parents are still around/have the capacity to do so, but every few days, DD does an hour of history work with my stepdad, based around her usual school work. He sets texts for DD and one of her friends to read over a FaceTime video call, then they all discuss it together, answer questions etc.

On other days, we set DD up on a video call to my mum in the kitchen, and mum teaches her how to cook something for dinner. Mum has the same ingredients at her house, so it’s like they’re cooking together.
So far, DD has made lasagne, burgers, pasta sauce from scratch...
Perhaps she could do that just before you’d have dinner normally, so you get an hour or so of work time, then dinner is also ready for you?

Excellent post @tigerbear !

@twinkledag thanks, I really hope it helps OP in some way.