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Original poster

Separated parents

63 replies

Cannybluff · 07/04/2020 17:52

Hiya, ex wife and I have daughter arrangements weekends, holidays etc. So she won't let me see daughter (5yo)... she is really worried (has OCD) and I sympathise... but going without seeing her rips me apart... interested to know other family situations and views on this

OP posts:
Guyonhere1 · 07/04/2020 17:53

If you have a legal agreement, she can’t stop you having them to visit

RandomMess · 07/04/2020 17:54

Depends on so much IMHO. If you or your household work outside the house, use of public transport etc all massively increase the risk.

Original poster
Cannybluff · 08/04/2020 11:04

We had an amicable agreement... the reason she cites is because my daughter works pt in tesco 8 hours pw

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/04/2020 11:17

I'm divorced and my 6yo is still going to his dad's and will continue to do so unless stricter lockdown is enforced.

RandomMess · 08/04/2020 11:26

Well tbh anyone working in a supermarket is at high risk of catching it so I do think her concern is valid.

My DH has a few health issues making him at a slight increased risk and health anxiety. As a result if our eldest gets a public facing job she knows she'll have to move out.

Original poster
Cannybluff · 08/04/2020 13:00

The guidance is here... www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/

I'm not sure it was a good idea me posting on here. I think this is one of those where people are going to either see one side or the other. I'm just a really sad dad missing my daughter. Thanks to all for responding, I wish you all well...x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/04/2020 14:11

I completely understand you are missing her Sad

If you were all WFH and being super careful and transport is via your own car it wouldn't be an issue.

Anyone with anxiety is going to find it very frightening though.

Wishforsnow · 08/04/2020 20:10

Of course you are missing your dd but by doing so you are ensuring she will be alive to see her again soon

WanderingLost167 · 08/04/2020 23:05

We are maintaining the current arrangements

PeachesAndPops · 08/04/2020 23:09

Mine aren’t going to their Dads, but their step-mum is an ITU nurse, so completely different.

purpleme12 · 08/04/2020 23:24

Well mine isn't going to her dad's at the minute. Because he's not working from home. I'm Too scared. He understands though

Unfortunately she has missed him.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/04/2020 23:32

Mine are going while he is WFH. He managed to not see them for two weeks while we were isolating.

Try reading her a story every day over video.
Chatting about her day. Etc.

It is about what is best for her, tough on adults as it is.

Original poster
Cannybluff · 08/04/2020 23:49

Its comments that I see like above "that ensuring she will be alive to see her again soon"

I read a lot of stats from the ons... now as horrible this is for the 5 u19s who have lost their life it is simply in proportion to any other illness, in fact significantly lower than most other causes you care to think of.

That thousands of over 60s have died is more telling.

I have an issue with the media, not for inaccurate reporting, but if you watch it you become immersed and think that this is the normality outside of your front door. So people get scared.

Also when will this end? Months? Years? Say the government relax the lockdown measures in may, they will only be doing it knowing they are over the worst.

I know this has drifted but it's all rational.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 08/04/2020 23:55

Well yes it does scare me

And no I don't want to take that chance

He hasn't fought me over it because he understands why

Original poster
Cannybluff · 09/04/2020 00:23

I know... there are no winners in this.. I honestly don't want to go telling people how they should feel. Just surreal situation I guess. Hope all of your families work through this. Take care x

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 00:27

I have to say that I’m a bit mystified why kids are allowed to go between houses when everyone else is to stick to their own household group.

Tessaraqt · 09/04/2020 00:35

For what it's worth, I think it's ridiculous you can't see your daughter and I would see if you can start the ball rolling to enforce it legally - courts are still operating with video conference etc.

This virus is only going to go away when we have either a) all caught it or b) have a vaccine, which is 18months+ away. It's not reasonable for a child to be kept from a loving parent for 18 months in order to prevent what will be a mild illness for most of us. If lockdown was for 3 weeks or so and was going to eradicate the virus completely, then sure, I'd understand your exes position. But it's just to flatten the curve so the NHS doesn't get overwhelmed and if your daughter is only going from yours to your exes, and neither family is shielding or vulnerable, then I think a child's right to see both parents should trump anything else.

JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 00:37

@Tessaraqt
In that case we should be able to pop to other family members houses then?
It defeats the purpose of limiting mixing with other households.

Tessaraqt · 09/04/2020 00:50

@JKScot4 No, that would be breaching the guidelines. But the guidelines do clearly state that children of separated parents can move between households.

JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 00:55

Yes I know they can, but it seems daft as no one else can mix households but kids can go back and forth between houses and ppl are reliant on their ex being honest to where the kids have been.
Schools were shut to protect and stop the spread but here we are sending them to multiple houses 🙄

Hannah021 · 09/04/2020 00:56

Im sorry u'r going through this. Some parents are too selfish to think of the child before themselves. The child must want to see you too.
I'd do everything legal to see my child.

Tessaraqt · 09/04/2020 01:00

@JKScot4 Yes, but the lockdown has loads of exemptions where people still need to go into others houses

  • social workers going into the homes of vulnerable children
  • care workers going into homes to look after vulnerable people
  • medical staff going into homes etc
Because these are things the government deemed essential. They decided it would do far greater damage to lives if you forbid these things, just as they decided it would do far greater damage to keep a child from a loving parent.

Of course no child should be kept from a parent for 18 months+, it would be insane.

PeachesAndPops · 09/04/2020 01:02

Yeah, even though mine aren’t going to their Dads, I think you should be able to have your daughter. I don’t think there is much risk. It’s a different situation for us because as I said before their step-mum is an ITU nurse. But also because they only see him once a month anyway which is his choice. It’s also a mutual decision not to send them now.

You want to see your daughter and you should be allowed to do so!

JKScot4 · 09/04/2020 01:02

Again I’m aware of these things 🙄 I don’t need your explanations, I’m just voicing an opinion 🙄
Kids can keep in touch via facetime etc, this is extraordinary circumstances.

RainMinusBow · 09/04/2020 01:07

I'm a separated parent (mum) and have court enforced 50/50 with my ex. It's been that way for 6 years. Having a Court Order in place means that legally both parties have to abide by it unless BOTH parties agree otherwise.

It does appear sadly that in some cases one parent may use the current situation to deny access to the child/children, citing the pandemic as a reason when in fact, the government advice clearly allows movement between two households if parents have separated.

But if a Court Order is not in place and a parent is denying access for no valid reason then really the only thing to do is to ask the courts for something legal to be put in place. Courts are still running but of course asking for an Order may take some time.

It's such a tough situation.

Cafcass give guidance though which is hopefully helpful. Basically they state it is beat for child/children to keep to usual routines and, providing common-sense rules apply, to continue to have contact with both parents.

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