Am I wrong to allow my boyfriend to move in for lockdown?

[Serendipity44]

Boyfriend of 2 years, doesn’t live with me but stays 2-3 nights a week usually.
My children like him and we have all been on holiday together and that went great.

His job means that he hasn’t had to work since before the lockdown was announced so he has limited social contact since then.

I made him wait at 10 days after finishing work and then said he could come and stay here for the duration of lockdown. It seems silly to be apart when he’s been in contact with no-one.

Family members have told me I’m being stupid and selfish. I feel terrible. Were we wrong to do this??

You should all technically self isolate to minimise risk of transmission elsewhere, including not going out to buy food.

Why? You’ve just made this up AGAIN. Households only need to isolate if someone has symptoms.

Who though, other than the people in her own house and him?

@MigginsMrs there is an incubation period where you can still transmit the virus with no symptoms. You've said that there's increased the chances of transmitting it to themselves which is true. If they then went out food shopping they could spread it to someone else before even knowing they had it. This could be negated if isolation took place when households combine, although seems often the case that people continue to go by food due to lack of online delivery slots or help from other people to do it for you and drop it off.

Also, let's not forget that we're not invincible whatever our age! Anyone can get seriously ill from this, of course elderly/pre existing conditions will make this more likely, but it's not impossible if you don't fit into these categories.

The government said move in together or don't see one another. You moved in together.

I would like those telling OP she has put lives at risk to explain exactly how, because I'm struggling to understand why her partner moving in has risked anyone other than the OP and her DC (and the risk to them is negligible, by the sounds).

It's one person moving into one house, I don't know why people are making such a big deal about it

And for the millionth time, it's only self isolation of you're showing symptoms or are extremely vulnerable. If you're not, practice social distancing. So as long as he and the rest of your family aren't going out every day and being in contact with others, I think you're fine.

Mumsnet has a higher than average proportion of people who live rules nearly as much as they love mindlessly berating others for not following them.

And this crisis has brought them out in force.

OP any sane person can see that the risk in you doing this is minimal. In fact the risk to the public may be less as only one of you needs to do shop runs for one household instead of 2 of you for 2 households.

The biggest issue IMO is whether this is a positive or negative for your DC, and only you can answer that as we don't know your DP.

Mumsnet has a higher than average proportion of people who live rules nearly as much as they love mindlessly berating others for not following them.

I was seriously hoping this was the other way round and MN had a much higher proportion of people who are mindlessly lax with the rules and don't understand that they're putting people at risk.

Whole point is a small risk multiplied by thousands of people doing it = higher infection rates and deaths. That's literally it.

Why do people keep making things up re the government advice and then berate people for not following their made up version?

There's no official government advice on self isolating when households combine because the government advice is that households should not combine. If their self isolating rules said do it if you're ill, if someone in your house is ill, or if you've decided to move in with a new household, then they're massively confusing people with what is and isn't allowed.

Surely it's common sense? A lot of people here have realised that the risk of spreading within the newly formed household has gone up, why not reduce the risk of then passing that on to others by self isolating?

Anyway, I'm done here.

@Serendipity44 - I suspect that moving him in goes against the spirit of the social distancing guidelines, if not the word.

I also think it is a bad idea, early on in a relationship. I have been married for nearly 27 years, and I am finding that having dh at home full time is putting stress on our relationship - I think it could put unbearable stress on a newer relationship.

For both these reasons, I would advise against moving your boyfriend in. He can keep in touch with you and your children via phone calls, FaceTime etc.

The more we can stick to social distancing measures, the sooner we will ALL be able to get back to a more normal life. Is it nice, being apart from people we love? No, of course it isn’t. But we all need to do it, for the sake of the wider community.

He’s already there.

Totally agree with STG, regardless of the social distancing rules it would be crazy to start living together now, it would put pressure or any relationship to be locked down together and it really isn’t fair on your children.

FFS OP is not throwing a party. They will still be a small bubble. If she caught it going to the shops, what would happen then, to her children? In fact, can you even shop without taking your DC, OP?

They have a happy relationship, they will be contained in a family home.

Is everyone really advocating that we all effectively isolate, individually, in our own rooms, with one allocated shopper, who needs to be disinfected and put in purdah for 7 dsys on their arrival home? Because that is where this argument is headed.

There needs to be some perspective here, surely??

“We may as well” isn’t great reasoning OP.

Did you have any plans to live together before this?

If this is a temporary thing, or doesn’t work out, how do you plan to mitigate the impact on your DC when he returns to his home?

What is your and your DP’s work situation? Eg is he likely to be required to attend his employer’s workplace? (This would increase your and DCs’ risks).

Is he going to contribute financially?

@MigginsMrs “How does him moving from his home to the OP’s put any additional people at risk, other than the people in OP’s home?“

Exactly the point. It is putting the people in the OPs home at additional risk.
Herself and her children.
OP said she waited a week after he stopped working. I’m of the understanding that the incubation period can be two weeks. So there is a risk. Not just to the OP and her children but if they require it, all medical staff they may come into contact with if infected.
It’s not a risk I personally would be willing to accept.

I would

Thank you for all of your replies. It’s been very helpful to read your varying opinions on this.

Surely it's putting society at less risk if they combine households as 1 person is doing shop runs for 1 household instead of 2 people doing double the amount of shop runs as shopping separately for 2 households?

If the only reason he’s moving in is the virus and you wouldn’t have done it any way then no.
If you were ready to set up home together presumably you would have.
Nothing to do with the virus. Just not letting people move in.

People are nuts I swear.

If he and you have both been practising social distancing and you're ready in your relationship to move in together then he can move in. This was a question asked and an answer was given! Why are people looking to put everyone down!?

As long as you stay this way for the duration of the lockdown and continue to practise social distancing then I don't see the issue?

Whole point is a small risk multiplied by thousands of people doing it = higher infection rates and deaths. That's literally it.

@TheHonestTruth100 that's literally not it. No one seems to get the reason we are social distancing is breaking the chains of transmission. One extra shopping trip could be far worse for viral spread than moving one person into a household for the foreseeable future. Because during that trip you could spread germs to multiple people who will then interact with multiple other people and it spreads exponentially. Moving one person into a household does not result in an exponential spread of viral infection.

I think its probably fine, if he's isolated apart from essential shopping and exercise and has practiced social distancing etc.
However big step moving in 24/7 , all those niggles and annoying habits will start to surface and very importantly how comfortable are DC with him? You wont have normal distractions of school or work.

Some people should get a grip. I’d say it’s fine. He’s social distancing, only jogging and shopping. FGS, we have to eat something and go to the shop sometimes. It’s not much more risk like you two were living together and you went shopping and he did the next time. You can’t eliminate the risk 100% unless you live in the cave far away from other people hand picking your food.