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Original poster

Dying alone

130 replies

SouthWestmom · 31/03/2020 20:26

I'm genuinely horrified at reports of people dying alone due to infection potential. It seems so inhumane. The latest is a child - what is being stored up in terms of mental health and emotional damage? I don't know the accuracy of this ; I can't understand this being the best or only course of action.
Does anyone have a better understanding of the reality from experience of the wards or hospitalisation processes?

OP posts:
Katie2017 · 02/04/2020 04:48

Really wish everyone wouldn't make out like it's so awful to die alone. It happens a lot and the effect it has on the family not being there is very hurtful because it's made out to be such a taboo thing to "let happen". My grandad died in hospital alone, he had terminal cancer but he was up walking about the night before and we had no idea he was so close to dying. Apparently he kept being sick in the night so they asked us if we consented to putting some sort of morphine pump on him to help so we said yes. Next day they ring and say "he's close to the end you better come in but don't rush"-I think they said that to hide the fact he'd already passed because my mum and gran did rush down but he had gone. I guess the morphine hastened it and we had no idea it would happen.

It's really hurtful to have comments like "so glad I was there for my mum/dad, can't imagine them dying alone"-just be glad you were there but don't brag about it, might not be so lucky the next time! It has nothing to do with how you feel about your loved ones or how much you care. Death can be really unpredictable and like others have said you can spend all day with someone for weeks and then the minute you step out to go to the loo or something that's when they go. I don't have a problem with dying alone at all, I'd probably prefer it, I don't want people sitting by my bedside waiting for me to take my last breath, I'm a very private person and I don't want to share that moment with anyone.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 02/04/2020 07:10

KatieI'm sorry you've been upset but I started this thread because by 'dying alone' the stories I'd read meant ' severely ill and dying people not allowed visitors' and this was a 13 year old boy. That's not the same as someone slipping away in the night or the odd half hour you've stepped outside.

OP posts:
Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 02/04/2020 07:29

I hate that people are dying alone.
If I get it and recover I think I’ll try and volunteer just to be with people when they die. If It’s allowed that is.

Sipperskipper · 02/04/2020 07:37

This is awful. Nationally there is NO guidance that says patients (adult or children) dying of Covid - 19 should not be allowed a family member with them. In fact, guidance by the Association of Palliative Medicine on Covid specifies they SHOULD be allowed one visitor, wearing PPE.

We have had similar issues in my trust, staff stopping visitors to dying patients with Covid, however this is not supported by any guidance, and has now been clarified.

I cannot see how this poses a risk to anyone except the visitor themselves (who in all likelihood is from the same household anyway!)

Sipperskipper · 02/04/2020 07:38

And it isn’t about the ‘moment’ of dying - that is almost irrelevant. Its the time leading up to it, saying goodbyes, holding hands, and relatives being reassured that they are peaceful.

I think a lot of people will suffer with very, very difficult bereavements because of these policies.

GingerScallop · 02/04/2020 07:43

I suppose they are a number of factors. Nurses could be trying several things at last minute and having family there wouldn't help anyone. More like lack of PPE. Most hospitals don't have enough for staff n might not have any for family. Then there is the death rate. 563 died yesterday alone. Imagine if even 200 of these had family at their bedsides while staff are trying to care for a couple o thousands more. I think it's a trust to trust decision and an sure they don't take it lightly

Aragog · 02/04/2020 07:58

I suspect that maybe they just couldn't get there in time as visiting is so restricted. It was one hour a day but then went to no visiting.

FIL died yesterday. He didn't have CV and died pf something else, though was tested at least twice. The most recent negative came back at the weekend though he'd been in known contact with someone with cv a few days before so had been moved back to isolation on hdu.

Although there was no visiting at the hospital as a rule, especially as he'd been in contact, the hospital had told us that they'd be able to arrange for MIl to be there at the end of at all possible. We never got to test out how it would happen as they managed to move him to a hospice 24 hours before he passed away.

But certainly at that hospital they were willing to make an arrangement to have someone with him if the time as come, even in icu and in the isolation ward.

We'd also been told that if mil couldn't get to the hospital in time they'd ensure he wasn't alone.

Aragog · 02/04/2020 08:01

Once FIL moves to the hospice mil, Dh and bil all got to visit. It was one hour a day in total and one person in the room at a time. When the time came yesterday though that was over ruled. I think that's why they moved him when they did as it made things a little easier without the need for full protection.

Artus · 02/04/2020 08:02

I think the issue is that as the visitor is probably from the same household then yes, they probably are infected. So they will come to the hospital and come in to contact with other areas and other people not all of whom will have PPE. Or they dont have it as they live elsewhere and will now catch it. And who decides how many visitors? Wife and four children and numerous grandchildren?

Artus · 02/04/2020 08:04

I should have been clear I was thinking of adults

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 02/04/2020 08:09

Aragog I'm sorry to hear you that but glad for your family they moved him.

OP posts:
Balhammom · 02/04/2020 08:11

All incredibly sad but, frankly, the right decision.

Completely wrong to further overload the NHS (and jeopardise more lives) by allowing visitors.

OneOfTheGrundys · 02/04/2020 08:18

It’s awful.
But it’s for all the other vulnerable patients in the hospital too. My DH was in hospital for a stem cell transplant. We weren’t allowed in to see him as he was so vulnerable to any infection let alone CV. Anyone can be a carrier. Everyone in that hospital is at risk.
My heart breaks for them now. And for all those it has happened to and will happen to. The pain of separation alongside all the grief of loss is agonising.

RoLaren · 02/04/2020 08:34

The news has changed its reporting now from 'died alone' to 'died in isolation' ie. all staff/visitors in PPE. Very different.

The media is being incredibly irresponsible spreading fear to an already stressed population.

maddy68 · 02/04/2020 08:36

My uncle sadly died yesterday from CV. He died alone, his poor wife wasn't able to say goodbye to him. We honestly totally understand why. But it's absolutely barbaric for family's involved.

Frangipanini · 02/04/2020 08:44

I am sure I read the 13 year old was put into an induced coma and didn't recover. I highly doubt he knew he was dying or that his mum wasn't there.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 02/04/2020 08:48

Well I've learnt from this thread that for adults it's a possibility/probability and for children less so.

I do wonder what the aftermath of all this will be - I was separated from my child while they were in hospital some time ago and it was soul destroying. (Very different reasons).

OP posts:
DisneyPlus · 02/04/2020 10:42

The hospital trust that poor little boy died at were very clear that a child can have a parent/carer at all times not only at end of life. There is no way any hospital in this country would insist a child was to be in hospital on their own.

With regards to adults, it can be a bit more variable. Sadly, some people pass away before there has been time to call the family. I do think at least one person should be able to be there, if they wish.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 02/04/2020 11:02

They've been discussing it on LBC this morning - a charity has said they need to change process apparently (Disney thank you for repeating the hospital specific info)

OP posts:
TheMagiciansMewTwo · 02/04/2020 11:17

I do wonder what the aftermath of all this will be
I was discussing this with DH yesterday. I think lots of people are going to need some kind of trauma counselling after all this.

Frangipanini · 02/04/2020 15:48

I think the boy had 5 or 6 siblings, his dad had passed away 5 years earlier and his mum was ill too. Probably went alone due to circumstances rather than he wasn't allowed anyone with him. Poor little guy.

Nekoness · 02/04/2020 15:58

That mother has 6 ADDITIONAL children to consider. When I read all the posters typing how they’d risk catching it just to be near their child.... wow, so you would risk exposing yourself and your other 6 children and possibly infecting your other kids and watch them die too. Aren’t you all just fucking full of emphathy.

Blue565 · 02/04/2020 16:21

The only way they'd keep me from my son in hospital with Covid19 would be a jail cell.

Katie2017 · 02/04/2020 20:38

That mother has 6 ADDITIONAL children to consider. When I read all the posters typing how they’d risk catching it just to be near their child.... wow, so you would risk exposing yourself and your other 6 children and possibly infecting your other kids and watch them die too. Aren’t you all just fucking full of emphathy.

Completely agree with this, people don't think these things through at all, just irrational and full of emotion understandably I suppose.

Katie2017 · 02/04/2020 20:55

KatieI'm sorry you've been upset but I started this thread because by 'dying alone' the stories I'd read meant ' severely ill and dying people not allowed visitors' and this was a 13 year old boy. That's not the same as someone slipping away in the night or the odd half hour you've stepped outside.

Yeh no I know, I wasn't having a go at the thread in general just some of the replies and the idea that anytime anyone dies it's usually "died peacefully surrounded by family" in the paper and it's just terrible to read for any family that couldn't get to do that for their loved one. I think it shouldn't even be reported at all how someone died-it's not necessary and it's such a personal thing I don't think the public needs to know. If the family got to be there then fantastic they can be so glad they were but why tell everyone else? I'm sure the family are feeling pretty terrible about it right now that's it's been made such a big deal of on top of the tragedy of the poor boys death.

Also i think the massive deal the news and everyone is making about people being alone not able to see family is going to make people not seek any treatment and just stay at home so they don't have to get isolated.

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