Massive with with dp

[Cocoandclive27]

Dp had a call from his elderly father this morning who has very bad chest pains. As dp is classed as vulnerable with asthma himself I tried to very gently say he needs to stop and think before he goes to see him. What will he do when he gets there? He's potentially exposing himself. Suggested that his dad call 111 to see what they advised. He completely flew off he handle told me to get a fucking grip and punched a door on the way out. He quite literally screamed at me.

I'm absolutely stunned. He has never behaved like that. I realise this is a horrible stressful time but I'm livid. I was only trying to offer advice. Was I wrong to suggest this? I understand he's worried about his dad. I really wish there was somewhere else I could go

Massive row that title should have said obviously...

Your husband is the reason we are gonna end up locked down for a year or more.

You married a prick.

@BananaChocolateLump thanks that's really helpful

According to official advice, if he wears a mask and thoroughly disinfects himself after visiting his dad, he should be fine, no?

look he's worried and upset

if its out of character then its likely due to all the corona upset and its hitting home hard for him.

she did not 'marry a prick'

@Potatobug I don't know, other than the basics I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing. I don't blame him for wanting to go see his dad, I just wanted him to calm down and not panic and have a bit of a plan in his head before he rushed off there. Absolutely no need for him to shout and scream at me and punch the door. Genuinely if we weren't in these isolating measures and everywhere wasn't shut I would leave for a bit.

It's all well and good calling the dp a prick etc but if either of my parents called and said the same I would want to rush over there.

I know I can't but I would probably lash out if I thought there was a possibility of my parent dying alone without me being able to see them too.

This is a very surreal situation, people are going to act out of character, especially in situations like this.

Would you leave your dad to ring 111? He could be having a heart attack. If he's having chest pains, he should be ringing 999. And I'd be pissed off too if I were your husband. It's one think not putting yourself at unnecessary risk. It's another telling him to leave his dad to it when he could be having a heart attack.

People do know that there are other illnesses elderly people can suffer still right? CV is not the only disease out there, in fact at this stage, it's still relatively rare. This is from someone who has kept their child out of nursery for over a fortnight, so yes I am careful. But saying OP's husband is a prick and putting everyone at risk - I think you need to give your heads a little wobble.

I didn't tell him to leave him! I understand why he's gone there I just wanted him to calm down and have an idea in his head first. If dp gets covid19 he could be very unwell with it as he has severe asthma. By no means was I telling him to abandon his dad but take measures if he has to go there. We are going to all find ourselves in awful situations in the next weeks or months. Where none of us really know what the 'right' thing to do it. Screaming at me and punching holes in the door isn't exactly going to help.

An elderly Father with very bad chest pain is absolutely an emergency and despite the risks your dp understandably wanted to be with his Dad.There is no excuse for punching walls and he needs to apologise for that heat of the moment response.

I sincerely hope he apologises to you when he gets back home. If not I’d be thinking about my future.

If it was your own parent, you wouldn’t leave them to call 111 would you?

No, because ultimately we are emotive beings and primal urges take over (just look at the runs on the supermarkets)

Heart attack & death today or take your chances with CV?

Another example of rational thinking disappearing, none of the 3 ppl here have symptoms, none are isolating, we are not on lockdown, your DH going to assist his father is not going to result in him automatically getting Covid 19.
Seriously calm down.

"Very gently" telling him to get his dad to call 111 is not proportionate to the urgency of an elderly gentleman having chest pains. And warning him he could catch it - again - there are many other conditions out there apart from cv that are in fact much more likely - some of which need immediate treatment or his dad indeed could quite possibly die.

Again, telling him not to put himself at risk wouldn't go down very well with me either.

And for the record, someone reported a wait time calling 111 and having a wait time of over an hour, before getting cut off anyway. I've used 111 under normal circumstances, and found it very good, but it's under immense stain now and certainly isn't the number for emergencies.

Again, I totally understand why hes gone. I didn't tell him not to to although perhaps that's what he heard in his panic. He has shown general disregard to the whole pandemic in terms of going to work and not cancelling meetings and when I've tried to highlight that he's vulnerable and at risk he's met it with frustration so maybe he thought it was another one of those conversations. I'll not bother in future.

I would go to my dad too. But I would have a plan in my head first.

In any other instance a man punching walls and shouting and swearing would be LTB territory on MN. I realise these are not normal times and it's out of character for him but it's still not pleasant

I thinkOP you need to find some empathy and quickly. The world is not about you

To be fair suggesting his Dad who has chest pains calls 111 was not the right advice at all - he would spend hours on the phone and if it was serious well he could die. He should be calling 999 but having someone else there could save his life.

At the moment saving lives is the priority and difficult choices have to be made. Here going to see his Dad (who presumably has been self isolating) and taking precautions has the potential to save a life far more than leaving him to call 111 because there is a small potential for infection

Everything seems to be LTB territory on MN. If everyone listened, we'd all be living in separate houses.

I think if I were in your situation OP, I'd be more concerned about how my husband and his dad were doing than starting a thread on here looking for sympathy. It shows a lack of empathy.

Ffs I don't want sympathy. I've been in touch with dp.

We are living in extreme and unique circumstances, nobody knows what the right things to do are. Of course I was worried about his dad but I'm also scared for dp. I'm scared for my kids. I'm scared in general.

Maybe I did act wrong. I didn't know what to do. Thanks for the support as ever

I hope the fil is ok OP. Not a good time to be unwell. It could be anything. Angina, indigestion, pulled muscle, a regular chest infection. You’d DP shouldn’t have been so freaked out as you were only trying to help.
He does sound like an arse. If he’d cancelled those work meetings or held them by phone he would have been less exposed to bugs and would have gone to his dads knowing he wasnt a silent carrier if a deadly disease.

The punching thing just shows he’s frustrated and isn’t handling things well. It’s not a good sign. I would t want to be around someone e getting violent in my own home. We are only a week into taking covid 19 seriously and he’s losing the plot already.

I’d prob have gone to my dads too, but stayed well back from him and not touched anything and seen how bad the prob was myself before knowing what to do.

How will he get there?

Has his dad been out & about lately?

Perhaps you both needed to stop & think?

@Elieza thank you, that's all I meant. If he was going there he should have maybe been prepared to wear a mask or whatever. To protect his elderly father as much as him. And since he's been ignoring advice and going to unnecessary meetings that could be a risk too.

I'm so sick of people on here acting as if they have all the answers when this is uncharted territory for everyone. In hindsight I probably did give the wrong advice but in the panic of the moment I was just going back to everything we've heard on the tv for the past few days.

And yeah it's going to be a long quarantine period if he is losing his shit at this stage but I do understand and have told him it's fine and not to worry about it. Just to focus on his dad and keep me updated when he can.

What will he do when he gets there? He's potentially exposing himself. Suggested that his dad call 111 to see what they advised.

So. - your sub text says 'don't go or you might get covid, let your elderly dad ring 111'

You're back tracking in your later posts but you DID expect your dp to leave his dad to cope.

Ah, so it sounds more as if your FIL needs protecting from his son tbh!

Is he someone who could work from home & won't?