Massive with with dp

[Cocoandclive27]

Dp had a call from his elderly father this morning who has very bad chest pains. As dp is classed as vulnerable with asthma himself I tried to very gently say he needs to stop and think before he goes to see him. What will he do when he gets there? He's potentially exposing himself. Suggested that his dad call 111 to see what they advised. He completely flew off he handle told me to get a fucking grip and punched a door on the way out. He quite literally screamed at me.

I'm absolutely stunned. He has never behaved like that. I realise this is a horrible stressful time but I'm livid. I was only trying to offer advice. Was I wrong to suggest this? I understand he's worried about his dad. I really wish there was somewhere else I could go

[Cocoandclive27]

Fil is ok. He had a call from emergency gp. They suggested painkillers and rest. He wasn't admitted to hospital. I don't know whether this is right or wrong but it's a professionals opinion after assessing him.

It's clearly not a good time to be unwell with anything.

For the last time for those too dense to understand, I never told dh not to go. I just wanted him to think things through since were all being told to be so careful. I just hope we will all be ok

[madcatladyforever]

You did no wrong at all.
Your husband could end up killing his father by going there, if he gives his father the virus as well as the possible heart attack he will definitely die.
He needs to calm down and stop and think - we all do before rushing to the bedside.
Nothing is cut and dried anymore.
You have done your best OP, if your husband goes off the rails and acts without thinking whatever happens next is on him.
Hopefully it will all be ok but equally it might not be.

[Elieza]

Any word back re fil op?

[minipie]

If one of my elderly parents rang with very bad chest pains I would be there like a shot. And I wouldn’t take kindly to my spouse trying to stop me tbh. I’d like to think I wouldn’t swear scream and punch a door but I’d certainly shout a lot. I’m not surprised he reacted angrily.

[Quartz2208]

@Cocoandclive27 how is your FIL?

[SnoozyLou]

Not a row, OP. Just presenting a different opinion.

[Cocoandclive27]

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude yes I think you're right. Now more than ever it's important to try and keep a rational head on. It's very tough with so much uncertainty and extreme circumstances. We have spoken. His dad is waiting for an emergency gp to get back to him and to take advice from there. They have been advised not to to to hospital at this point after assessing his symptoms.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think you both let your worry get in the way of rational thought. Your worry about CV lead you to immediately link your FILs issues to it. Your DH’s worry about his Dad (plus a does of worry about CV presenting as denial) led him to blow up.
Your DH was wrong to be so aggressive but I think he is far more worried than he is letting on.

[Quartz2208]

Chest pains is a sigh of a heart attack though OP not CV? Its important I think that even though CV should be at the forefront of our minds not to automatically assume everything is it. It is and always should be a 999 call

What job does he do its difficult to gauge whether he is being irresponsible or he has no choice

[Cocoandclive27]

@SnoozyLou I was livid at the way he reacted. Would you be happy if your dp swore, screamed and punched a door when you were doing was trying to help? That doesn't mean I'm not concerned. I'm allowed to be pissed off at his behaviour and worried about him and his dad at the same time.

You're clearly here for a row and I'm really not in the mood for it this morning. I've admitted i maybe gave the wrong advice, I didn't mean to. I'm just uncertain and worried. Thanks for the comments.

[Cocoandclive27]

@chatterbugmegastar my initial response was to ring 111 as that's all we've heard over recent days - if you suspect you have covid19 stay at home, if your symptoms get worse ring 111. I thought I was reiterating government advice. When it became clear he was bad enough for dp to feel like he needed to go to him I simply said ok that's fine but think about what you're going to do when you get there. I appreciate it maybe was the wrong advice. I'm not an expert on dealing with global pandemics.

And yes initially I was worried about dp and his asthma but he could totally be passing stuff on as he's been out for work quite a lot this week.

He has reduced his time in the office but is still attending certain meetings that in my opinion should be cancelled unless really urgent. He is vulnerable due to his health condition and people like him have been told to socially isolate as much as possible

[SnoozyLou]

OP, your opening post showed zero concern for your husband, or his father. 50% of it was complaining about your husband's behaviour. You were "livid", remember? Not worried sick, or slightly concerned, or upset. Livid.

[diddl]

Ah, so it sounds more as if your FIL needs protecting from his son tbh!

Is he someone who could work from home & won't?

[chatterbugmegastar]

What will he do when he gets there? He's potentially exposing himself. Suggested that his dad call 111 to see what they advised.

So. - your sub text says 'don't go or you might get covid, let your elderly dad ring 111'

You're back tracking in your later posts but you DID expect your dp to leave his dad to cope.

[Cocoandclive27]

@Elieza thank you, that's all I meant. If he was going there he should have maybe been prepared to wear a mask or whatever. To protect his elderly father as much as him. And since he's been ignoring advice and going to unnecessary meetings that could be a risk too.

I'm so sick of people on here acting as if they have all the answers when this is uncharted territory for everyone. In hindsight I probably did give the wrong advice but in the panic of the moment I was just going back to everything we've heard on the tv for the past few days.

And yeah it's going to be a long quarantine period if he is losing his shit at this stage but I do understand and have told him it's fine and not to worry about it. Just to focus on his dad and keep me updated when he can.

[diddl]

How will he get there?

Has his dad been out & about lately?

Perhaps you both needed to stop & think?

[Elieza]

I hope the fil is ok OP. Not a good time to be unwell. It could be anything. Angina, indigestion, pulled muscle, a regular chest infection. You’d DP shouldn’t have been so freaked out as you were only trying to help.
He does sound like an arse. If he’d cancelled those work meetings or held them by phone he would have been less exposed to bugs and would have gone to his dads knowing he wasnt a silent carrier if a deadly disease.

The punching thing just shows he’s frustrated and isn’t handling things well. It’s not a good sign. I would t want to be around someone e getting violent in my own home. We are only a week into taking covid 19 seriously and he’s losing the plot already.

I’d prob have gone to my dads too, but stayed well back from him and not touched anything and seen how bad the prob was myself before knowing what to do.

[Cocoandclive27]

Ffs I don't want sympathy. I've been in touch with dp.

We are living in extreme and unique circumstances, nobody knows what the right things to do are. Of course I was worried about his dad but I'm also scared for dp. I'm scared for my kids. I'm scared in general.

Maybe I did act wrong. I didn't know what to do. Thanks for the support as ever

[SnoozyLou]

Everything seems to be LTB territory on MN. If everyone listened, we'd all be living in separate houses.

I think if I were in your situation OP, I'd be more concerned about how my husband and his dad were doing than starting a thread on here looking for sympathy. It shows a lack of empathy.

[Quartz2208]

To be fair suggesting his Dad who has chest pains calls 111 was not the right advice at all - he would spend hours on the phone and if it was serious well he could die. He should be calling 999 but having someone else there could save his life.

At the moment saving lives is the priority and difficult choices have to be made. Here going to see his Dad (who presumably has been self isolating) and taking precautions has the potential to save a life far more than leaving him to call 111 because there is a small potential for infection

[lowlandLucky]

I thinkOP you need to find some empathy and quickly. The world is not about you

[Cocoandclive27]

Again, I totally understand why hes gone. I didn't tell him not to to although perhaps that's what he heard in his panic. He has shown general disregard to the whole pandemic in terms of going to work and not cancelling meetings and when I've tried to highlight that he's vulnerable and at risk he's met it with frustration so maybe he thought it was another one of those conversations. I'll not bother in future.

I would go to my dad too. But I would have a plan in my head first.

In any other instance a man punching walls and shouting and swearing would be LTB territory on MN. I realise these are not normal times and it's out of character for him but it's still not pleasant

[SnoozyLou]

"Very gently" telling him to get his dad to call 111 is not proportionate to the urgency of an elderly gentleman having chest pains. And warning him he could catch it - again - there are many other conditions out there apart from cv that are in fact much more likely - some of which need immediate treatment or his dad indeed could quite possibly die.

Again, telling him not to put himself at risk wouldn't go down very well with me either.

And for the record, someone reported a wait time calling 111 and having a wait time of over an hour, before getting cut off anyway. I've used 111 under normal circumstances, and found it very good, but it's under immense stain now and certainly isn't the number for emergencies.

[JKScot4]

Another example of rational thinking disappearing, none of the 3 ppl here have symptoms, none are isolating, we are not on lockdown, your DH going to assist his father is not going to result in him automatically getting Covid 19.
Seriously calm down.

[MummyPop00]

If it was your own parent, you wouldn’t leave them to call 111 would you?

No, because ultimately we are emotive beings and primal urges take over (just look at the runs on the supermarkets)

Heart attack & death today or take your chances with CV?