I watched endless numbers of the rockets of the iron dome interceptor rockets fly overhead on October 7th between sirens, heard whispered reports of a terrorist invasion, and never dreamed reality was worse than my biggest nightmares.
I cried endless tears over people I’d never met who became part of my family. I lit a Shabbat candle every week for the hostages, prayed more tehillim than I thought possible, and learned their names and faces. I cooked for struggling families and donated to refugees. I mourned.
I spent nearly two years running in and out of bomb shelters and building stairwells, and lay on the street on top of my child when rockets and ballistic missiles were shot at us; by Hamas, by Hezbollah, by the Houthis, and by Iran. I thanked Gd when they were intercepted and tried to never take it for granted. I learned that the world could become curiously blind and deaf when ballistic missiles were shot at us by the Houthi. I learned that motorbikes can sound exactly like sirens.
I worried about terrorism, shootings, stabbing, arson, rockets, missiles, and nuclear bombs.
I watched in mounting horror as antisemitism became more virulent and open than ever; when a song called heil hitler could be released openly, Jews pushed out of universities, posters of our hostage babies defaced and ripped down, intifada called for openly on Western streets, and learned that October 7th could be ‘justified’.
I tried to reach out on a small corner of the internet and found a few friendly faces, on both sides. I tried to listen to both sides and open my mind a little, even if I recognised that I was always going to be biased. I gradually retreated back to my own little community, when the thoughtful voices were drowned out.
I got angry, I grieved, I felt hope and I felt despair. I felt closer to my Jewish brothers and sisters around the world than I ever thought possible. I retained and deepened my belief in Gd, and more and more prayed that He would bring peace for all, as I lost hope that humans could solve this.
I learned that many would see me as naive, sociopathic, psychopathic, evil, a stain on humanity, deluded, misguided. I learned that I didn’t care.
I won’t tell it to my children. They lived it.