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Conception

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Original poster

Broody but dh not keen

26 replies

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 08:36

Hi all, I am have really been getting broody lately but my dh just doesn't seem interested.

I don't know what to do as i would really love another family member, but dh has said in the past that just the one is enough and that he wasn't even thinking about having any kids at all but ds came along not planned and we just sort of went with it.

We are still young and have plenty of time but I don't want the age gap between my ds and another sibling to be to big.
He is 5 is sept and will be starting school so I thought this would be a nice time to start trying soon.

Also I would love a April/May/June baby.
Also I love being a young mum and still want to be young with my second.
How do I get my dh to come round to the idea.

The thing is he says because of our ds's behaviour sometimes he dreads having another one, but ds's behaviour is nothing unusual for another other 4 yo.

He also said if it happens it happens, Does that mean I should "accidentally" "forget" to take some pills.
But I really don't want to do that as that's being deceitful.

What to do?

OP posts:

nancy10 · 22/06/2010 10:54

My dh sounds similar and we now have 3. (2nd and 3rd are twins!) He would have been quite happy with one but agreed that one more would be nice so ds wouldn't be an only child. Rather then 'accidentally' get pregnant, why not suggest coming off the pill and seeing what happens. Looking back I think my dh was put off by the whole trying for a baby thing and although I was desperate I played it really cool. In fact once he agreed to me coming off the pill I never mentioned having a baby until I was pregnant. I felt it took the pressure off.

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 12:25

yeh i agree nancy that is the best way to fall pg is to just forget that you are trying at all. i mean all these women that are despratly trying neve seem to get anywhere and all the teenagers get pg like that cus there not thinking they will get pg.

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AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 12:31

He sounds much more up for it than DH, if it's any consolation. When I recently suggested coming off the pill to DH, not to TTC but to use condoms instead, DH massively freaked out, yelling at me that I was planning to trick him into getting pg and flatly refused to even consider changing our contraception.

If anyone knows some magical way to win these reluctant men round, preferably within a five year period, then I'm all ears!

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 12:35

oh what a bit of a over reaction
Are you wanting another one then?

Ur dh must have been watching EE LOL

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 12:46

We haven't got any at all. And that's the way it's going to stay, apparently. I am massively obsessed with having a baby, even though before we were married we said we wouldn't. I think DH is worried I'm cracking up.

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 12:53

Some tactics must work better than others for winning guys round. Maybe I'm going about things all wrong. Maybe going on about it all the time is putting too much pressure on him. Maybe I should let it go completely until we've saved up some money, or until more of his friends have children, or until we're a bit older.

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 12:54

oh dear, hope things work out 4 you.

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 12:56

I sound mad don't I? Maybe DH is right.

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 13:02

women are programmed to have babys so its perfectly normal to fell like ur are obsessed sometimes.
But if you and dh decided on no kids before u married there isnt alot you can do, but hope he changes his mind too.

How old are you both if you dont mind me asking

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 13:17

I'm 32, 33 in November. DH will be 30 in October.

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 13:21

well then you are bound to feel like this a little it is only natural, maybe try to speak to dh, as i am 2night

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AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 13:31

I hope your DH comes round, I can imagine how much you want to keep the age gap between DC small. Your DH doesn't sound absolutely against it.

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 13:41

Does anyone know what i am in-titled to if i have another child. I know my child beinift but what about my Child tax credits and will i quilfy for the sure start grant ect..

Just thinking it might be cus of money my dh is reluctant. He works full time, and we arnt the most well off but who with kids really is

OP posts:

Original poster

pontypandy · 22/06/2010 16:29

bumpy

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 20:30

I guess everything's changed following the budget. I'm not even sure how you find out. Maybe ask on one of the other forums where more people will have 2+ DC.

AmandaCooper · 22/06/2010 23:02

Let us know how your talk with DH goes. Good luck x

Original poster

pontypandy · 23/06/2010 11:06

I did speak with him last night and well I don't think I have got any closer to a straight answer, but when do we with men

I didn't no how to start the conversation I was sitting on it all night hoping something would come on tell about baby's that would be a conversation starter

So anyway i took a risk and said You no what we talked about the other night, Do you want any more kids or not b/c if not I will just sell all of ds's old stuff and get some cash.

He said said "i dunno"!!!!!!
FFS all i want is a do you want more or don't you (well i suppose a dunno is better than a no)

So i started talking bring up some of your good points.

1.DS's behaviour could get better if he has a sibling to interact with
I got back "well what if DS is took rough and hurts the baby"

2.What if we have a girl she could be daddy's little princess
I got back "don't really want a girl, I wouldn't mind" (now I don't really mind looks like a opener )

3.I don't want the age gap to big between DS and another
I got back that "another couple of years wont hurt"
I then said that if we waited until DS was a teenager that it wouldn't really be a little brother or a playmate it would just be some annoying little baby that keeps him up and night.

He also said that with his job (he works 13 hour days from 6am-7pm
that he doesn't want to have broken sleep as he has to be up and 5am and its a driving job and he doesn't want to fall asleep at the wheel.
Now im not being funny but with DS he would wake up and night I would look over at DH and he was snoring his bloody head off.
But apparently he's not as much of a deep sleeper as he was when he was younger.

I may of brought up another couple of points but I think I have rabbited on for long enough
The one thing that has sort of given me hope is the "another couple of year wont hurt"
But even then its another couple of years and im broody now !!

OP posts:

loopydoopy · 23/06/2010 11:34

A no straight out is a good sign and the fact he doesnt seem to mind is another....i know it's not the answer you want now but it is a start! i know how you feel but i am getting NO from my DP and its breaking my heart, we have a six year old DD and i mmc at the end of jan at 10 wks and its really hard to imagine no more just on his say so and for him to be so blunt about it (long sorry but he wasnt keen when i told him i was pg the 2nd time)

DD/DP always have some reason not to and they can be so confusing with what they say most of the time as my DP says 'it would be a bonus if we had another, but NO' or 'i know how you feel and i went through the same as you, but NO'

you never know with them!!!!!!!

as another post said some tactics must work on men....i just wish and i am sure you do and others the same that we knew what they were!

Original poster

pontypandy · 23/06/2010 12:37

Am thinking should i compromise and wait a couple of years and maybe try when DS is 7 or 8.

What do you lot think, is that gap to great and have any of you got that gap and whats it like??

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 24/06/2010 08:42

These conversations never go the way they should do they, and then you have to leave it some unspecified amount of time because they know that, once they've fobbed you off, they are in the clear for a while and can resist any pressure to discuss the issue by complaining that you are "going on about it all the time".

I don't know about you guys but my problem is not that DH doesn't say yes, but that I always go away non the wiser and with no more information than I had at the start of the conversation. Pontypandy the conversation you had with your DH sounds very familiar. And Loopy your DP is sending mixed messages too, so you don't entirely know where you stand either. You can't say "no

AmandaCooper · 24/06/2010 08:47

more DC" and then in the next breath say "Another DC would be a bonus". Don't they realise how wrong that is?

I did have a fairly positive but lighthearted chat with DH over dinner last night over what gadgets we would get to accompany DC, primarily what brand of pram. DH always responds better to the idea of cool gadgets than the idea of babies!

Original poster

pontypandy · 24/06/2010 10:27

lol @ the gadgets idea.

As i said above we have agreed that in a years time we will assess our situation and then maybe we try then.

Im happy with this cus i would rather have a DC with a DH how wants one to, not just going along with it for my sake.

Plus DS is starting school in septemeber and i have lots of stuff to get organised and it would be nice to get DS into a routine at school before we consider any more.

Thank you all for you help, if you hadnt helped me confront my DH then we wouldnt of talked and come to this decision together.

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Angel83 · 01/07/2010 14:25

just stumbled accross this post and am amazed that i'm not as alone in my situation as I first thought.

I have a DS (4.5) and wanted to start trying for no 2 when he was approching 3. My partner was unsettled in his work and suggested we waited. We waited six months, he got new job, paid off debts, etc then agreed to start trying. 2 months into trying (not obsesively) he anounced was unhappy at work, stressed, etc and that we needed to stop trying. I was never happy with this as know how long it can take, didn't want big age gap, want to get kics settled at school then re-train in my career and cos just generally very broody but had no choice.

He then left job without consulting me, built up more debt whilst looking for new job and generally thought i was unreasonable for being so upset over whole 'not trying thing'.

Situation now is has another job, has paid off most of debt again(!) and has finally agreed 6 months ago can 'try again'. Problem is now feel like he's not bothered either way. I'm already stressing it might not happen (just have a feeling something is wrong), if it does happen may not end in baby (had a previous mc with diff partner).

Sorry for the long post but feel so alone in testing each month (usually have long cycle but cant help getting hopes up) and can't shake the feeling that if it doesn't happen I'll never forgive him (is this unreasonable?) although obviously may never have happened regardless of when started ttc or gap in ttc.

loopydoopy · 01/07/2010 21:14

Angel83...i don't think it is unreasonable for you to think that way as i feel the same way and i know it is putting a strain on our relationship. the fact that every month i get upset over AF arriving doesnt mean anything to him. although i dont test every month as i dont need to it doesnt stop me getting my hopes up with every twinge or strange feeling that i have. i know it wont help but you are not alone. dont worry about a long post as this is the place to do it and if you cant say the things you want to say to others even better to have here to do it (if you know what i mean)

lol to you AmandaCooper, if only mine was a gadget freak! and no i dont think they realise how wrong they are with what they say.

AmandaCooper · 14/07/2010 18:05

Angel I saw this thread when you first wrote it and started to reply because my situation is almost identical, even down to DH quitting his "unfulfilling" job without consulting me. But before I posted it, DH and I had a chat and agreed we would go ahead in December. So I felt it wasn't appropriate to post and deleted my message.

Now DH has, of course, changed his mind and now feels he needs two more years to develop his career before we ttc. It's so frustrating to not know where you stand.

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