um, embarrassing sex question...

[Unbuffy]

Please please any advice. To come straight to the point (iyswim) I don't seem to enjoy IT anymore and haven't for quite a while. End up lying back and thinking of England as it were. Things are tricky at the moment as I recently m/c BUT this predates that by more than several months. And m/c has in fact brought us closer. Does anyone have any suggestions ? Particularly as are / will shortly be ttc again and I'm just so tense and nervous all the time and it's uncomfortable and so on and so on...

Have you spoken to your partner about it?

If you discover the reason you don't enjoy it anymore, you may be able to work at solving the problem.

I think the answer to this problem lies within, you just haven't found out yet.

I often find I am much more amorous following a glass or two of red wine. I always imagine the smell of hubbys skin when I am kissing him and the feel of us snogging. This gets me in the mood. Thinking about actual sex does nothing for me.

Try and think carefully about exactly what you don't enjoy, any more.

Are you mostly having sex just to get pregnant? You might need to capture some of the old passion back. You could take a weird approach and not have sex. Just be physically close, remember how nice it is to hold/stroke/kiss/be close to each other, without having to go any further. The more you do it, the more relaxed you should feel about just being physically close, then you can slowly build up to the whole having sex bit.

'You could take a weird approach and not have sex' yep Muser..not doing it and having no obligation to do it will really helps and sometimes the actual act is not what turns a person on..but all the things leading up to it..

talk to your partner Unbuffy

It's just weird, I get so nervous and scared and wound up that I can't relax at all. We're not just having sex to get pregnant at all, after m'c we're both a bit, 'if it happens, it happens' and not actively trying (although it might come to that if nothing happens this year!) We're just trying to feel close to each other - but I can't do it (feel close I mean). The very idea that it might lead to any kind of physical intimacy makes me scared. And I have tried talking to dh about it in the past, but it never seems to make any difference - except that he gets afraid that it's hurting me and loses all will to, um, do anything anyway. I think that that's what led to us being distant over the past few months in the first place.

aww Buff ...

Do you think the pregnancy is in the back of your mind though?

i just want us to be close again. and i want to, um, be able to, um, y'know... . That's a lot more important to me than being pregnant. And an awful lot more difficult too - conceiving ain't apparently the problem, so that doesn't worry me...

I thin from what you've said that Muser's advice is spot on. Be intimate and cuddly without it leading to sex, it should take the expectation out of it, and hopefully the nervousness too. And hopefully that will lead to you being more comfortable with the physicality.

Some suggestions:

Invest in some pre seed (sperm friendly lubricant) so no pressure to be turned on and wet.

Have shower together. Shampooing each other's hair is sexy. So is patting each other dry in bed.

Imagine you are with someone else. Seriously. Nothing wrong with a secret fantasy life. Or if you want, share your fantasies.

Watch porn together. Or better still, sexy films. Nine and a half weeks etc

Start with massages...

Sometimes I secretly use my vibrator on myself earlier that day. So if I've made myself climax earlier then no pressure to do so with dh so can just enjoy it and any extra climax is a bonus.

It's not easy I know to change loving couple sex. I def had a spicier sex life when it was one night stands, shorts flings and naughty moments. But we're struggling ttc and to have sex ten times a month or so for two years means you have to try some new things.

Oh and sometimes I do lie back and think of the household chores. I think this is ok if it's only sometimes.

Wish I was a cosmo columnist...
X

Hi Unbuffy - we've met on one of the other threads!!

I just thought I'd echo some of the other things said - and also thought I'd just say you're not the only one (if that helps) - I've had similar, and so have several of my friends (and their DHs - sometimes the roles are reversed). I don't know if this helps actually (so ignore if it doesn't) but I liked to remember that it's not always going to be like this, this is a phase in the longer picture.

With these sorts of things it's sometimes hard to "break out" of the pattern, as it's to do with emotions. But I did separately read up on this and I remember one piece of advice being to abstain from sex, and only have massages or cuddles, etc. for a while - to take the pressure off. If the massages and so forth still feel uncomfortable, you could take it a step back from that.

And take plenty of time!!

xxxxxxx

Hi GLB, yes we've met on another thread. I agree it's very difficult to break the cycle, and it's not the first time I've had this um, problem. In theory, I'd love sex; naughty dreams and so on, but when it gets down to it (small snigger) i just sort of... freeze up. Or i take the initiative and don't get much payoff. Sorry, way tmi. And in the first instance dp gets worried and in the second there's no time for him to get worried but i can't help feeling a bit left out!

Hi Unbuffy

The nervous thing struck a chord with me. A few years ago I had some problems whereby sex became quite painful - turned into a vicious circle where I'd be tense because I thought it was going to hurt, so even after the medical problem was sorted we still had problems.

I ended up having three sessions of hypno therapy which absolutely changed my life. I was lucky in that I could easily identify what was causing the nerves, but hypnotherapy would help with that anyway.

Literally following the sessions, my attitude to sex changed completely and I started to enjoy it more than EVER before.

Good luck