Emmsy's weebles continue to grow.. Onwards & upwards

[bluesatinsash]

Come on over, its cosy now mermaid has bought the throws and insulated the greenhouse

Jools, MLS and Moon - I think you are all incredibly strong still posting at all on this thread. When I fell pg in April and had weeks of thinking I was about to mc I had already made up my mind to leave MN as I just couldn't have coped with going through a third mc/ttc on a thread where other posters - lovely and supportive as they were/are - were moving on with their pg's and all the lovely stories that entails.

Remember VillageMum? She posted every single day until her 2nd mc and just bowed out. Couldn't return to the place that had seen her through her first mc and tentatively through her early pg.

I know I've said before, but no other thread has woman who are stil raw and bruised and grieving having to post on a thread full of pg women, and I always worry that it holds you back from healing and having the space to move on

I had mild depression 11 years ago after moving into my first flat/splitting up with boyfriend. I found 'The Road Less Travelled' and 'The Celestine Prophecy' very helpful books on trying to find the joy again in life. Reconnecintg with friend's was also paramount as was going to gym and listening to songs that made me .

Lovely ladies

Wanted to come back on here cos was well aware poor MLS had just reached out & it was straight back to baby talk, Neeko touched the point the other day that it has been baby orientated on here lately & despite feeling like that monopoly analagy where some of us are reaching our goals before others, please dont feel that we dont understand totally cos we all started this journey together & we will finish together. I was one of the ones looking ahead with bump envy when MLS announced your last pregnancy, & I remember doing the same when Jools announced your last heartbreaking painful pregnancy way back when I first joined & we were still on the mc site, I also remember feeling guilty
when I announced my preg in jan that Barbie specifically was having messed up cycles, not knowing if she was ovulating or not. Sadly for all of us those pregnancies that were envied & made others feel sad, or 'left behind' all ended & left us back in our heartbreaking situations. I just want to say to each of you, MLS, Moon & Jools that although you feel 'left behind' we have all been at diffrent stages of our journeys together & so want to continue together, but realise how hard it is for you sometimes, cos lovely ladies, my memories are still fresh too y'know, & so are most of ours...

Jools you touched several points that were so poignant to me, in fact so did MLS & Moon - specifically the miscarriage re runs. Today I had my occ health & HR woman come for a home visit as signed off for so long. Iv been quite upset that I have to 'validate' my absence & have spent the last few weeks waking up in the middle of the night going through the conversations in my head that I want to have with them to 'make' them understand. I woke at 3.30am this morning & didnt go back to sleep til 7am. Its got to the point of obsession where I have re-lived each step of each pregnancy and miscarriage in every minute detail, over & over & over, getting angry & wanting to shout at them to make them realise what a traumatic horrible awful thing it is & why despite embracing the fact next week Ill be further along than Iv ever been, Im a bloody nervous wreck, scared shitless of things going wrong, scared to hope, scared to enjoy & embrace & how the hell do you make people that have never suffered this hellish ordeal understand that? Iv also cut off friends in the last 2 years, we have become reclusive wanting to shut out the rest of the world, struggling for enthusiasm for lifes simple pleasures even. Irritable & so very angry, proper dangerous & embarassing road rage incidents . I think I did manage to explain this to my work people, amongst the tears, as I relived it all again. I also echo, that despite watching my brother be ravaged by cancer & die 12 yrs ago this fri, despite watching my mum battle & survive breast cancer & a pulmonary embolism, despite losing my dad suddenly & unexpectedly to heart failure just over 3 yrs ago, these last 2 years of my life, losing our babies, have been the hardest & worst thing I have ever been through. I summed it up by saying its the literal physical & emotional pain that consumes like nothing else. I just really want to say to you lovely ladies that you are so not alone in your thoughts. I text mermaid today along these lines when she asked how my work vist went. Its amazing how raw it all still is. Im embracing as hard as I possibly can that there is a new life growing inside me & I pray every minute of every day that this ones gonna be different, I feel guilty when I dont have faith that it will be.. But, the pain will always remain, so please know for all the 'baby talk' we are all masking our painful memories & although you may sometimes feel unable to post & heartbroken, you most definately are not alone. Love you all lots & just remember, you've all got pregnant before, and it IS going to happen again... xxxxxxxxxx

4ever you've made me cry now.

me too, you have such powerful words 4ever

4ever - "But, the pain will always remain, so please know for all the 'baby talk' we are all masking our painful memories" - how very, very true . What we also have to carry with us is utter paranoia that our pg's go wrong at any moment, regardless of our gestation, that our babies struggle to be born, that they are born with something wrong, we daren't exhale of believe that once we get to 12/20/24/26/30/32/36/38/40 weeks that we are A-OK - that it life after mc and its shit.

I feel terrible now that we I didn't spend more time talking to MLS earlier when you reached out . We are all so excited for Buddha as this has been such a long road for her and therin lies the paradox of this thread...

Blue please don't feel terrible. You are one of the kindest & most thoughtful people I've ever 'met'. You couldn't be mean if you tried.

Hi all.
Just wanted to say that I'm glad things are being aired on the thread today and to send a huge hug to each of the lovely MLS, Jools and Moon. It takes guts to post honestly about how rubbish you are feeling when everyone else seems upbeat and it has to be a step in the right direction. Sorry I've not been around much this week. Finding it a difficult one due to family and work commitments, but thinking of you all. Nice to see that 4ever and Blue are full of wisdom and I'm sure Mermaid will have more to add when she comes out from under the bridge.
It's awful that miscarriage taints us all so badly. I've "only" had one and know that it has f*ed with my head in a way that I could never imagine. On here is one of the few places i feel comfortable talking about being pg as I can't ever imagine feeling the joy and excitement that's supposed to come with pregnancy. I started writing the week and day of this pg on the shower screen every morning when I got my BFP and can't allow myself to stop in case I kill my baby... so it clearly drives us all nuts. we maybe don't all feel the same but we do understand each other.

Take care all.

P.S. GO Buddha and prove that it's all worth it eventually!

Wow girls, another emotional night for the Emmsys...you've all said such beautiful things, especially your heartfelt words 4ever- we all know they come from a place of pain and real hardship and let me just say again that you're amazing for getting through it all with such positivity.

All you girls who find it hard to post here, I totally admire the fact that you do (trying not to sound condescending, sorry...but I really do.) I'd be so sad if any of you left us, as the lovely hoping has done because I want to support you all to the happy ending like you've supported me.

MLS glad Italy was lovely but meh about dh hope things are better now. Btw I bought the mama mio tummy rub on your recommendation and loving it so far I'l do some investigating for you re: mid-cycle bleeds

Iggy forgot to say yesterday huge well done on raising head out of sand long enough to book the scan first hurdle here you come!

So soooo excited for buddha but feel so sorry for her having to waitwaitwait... come on baby!

barbie I'm totally clueless about stuff too childbirth could be interesting for us!! Thanks for offering the rights to your life you may recognise some scenes in the book!!

4ever pleased visit seemed to go ok and I'm sure they saw how genuine you are about it all. Hang in there lovely. I can't believe it's only a few sleeps until you're the furthest you've been

Hi Neeko hope you and dh are doing ok.

The article I wrote about my mc has gone up today by the way..if you fancy a read it's here I was a bit disappointed I couldn't properly get across the feelings behind it all but the girl who runs the project said she found it quite moving so hopefully it might raise some awareness.

Evening Cupcake. Lovely article and made me cry. Even if it only helps one woman, you've done a good job so well done you!
P.S. Had a wee smug smile at your online friends who talk openly - do I know them?

Thanks, so glad you liked it.

Im really glad all this is being said, i cried when i read that you cried.. So glad we are all supporting each other together.. Nighty night lovely ladies x x x x x

X post so just had to look at ur article cupcake.. Me & dh read it & he said its like us at the beginning Well done for sharing & getting it spot on, very poignant tonight especially.. Wish my now ex bf had been like yours.. My bf is dh now

I do like the article Cupcake There is so much more to the emotional side, but this is a fantastic start in terms of getting thoughts "out there" without scaring people off.

As for this thread - the immense value to me is that, even when I'm completely shut down, unable to post or show happiness for anyone else, completely self-absorbed, I still get help and you lot don't give up on me and just assume I'm a stroppy, unfeeling cow, but understand on some level where I am in my head and know that, even if I'm not able to name check everyone, I'm still thinking of you and checking on you every day - that is what means SO, SO MUCH to me

xxxxxxxxx

Such lovely words on here from last night, i wish i could put down how i think and feel so eloquently as people like 4everbluejoolsmermaid etc (and those are off the top of my head, there are many more on here who say such beautiful and poignant things) but i know what i want to say and it comes out sounding 'wrong' sometimes, but i would just like to say what i really wish for on here is for everyone to get their 'happy ending'-wether it be the child they so desparatly crave, or the realisation they are happy with what they have got and can put some sort of closure on things.

As others have said, sometimes this thread can get carried away with all things baby, but i for one do not mean in any shape or form to upset anyone on here by being insensitive, so huge apologies if i ever come across that way. I do think about the ladies on here often, especially the ones who are in a dark place, as we know only too well what it feels like to be there.

cupcake-lovely article by the way.

Jools-i can really associate with you on the, when you are feeling really down you drag all the old buried away at the back of your mind memories, as that is what i did when i was grieving after my last mc, so i ended up grieving not only for the baby i lost but also grieving again for the loss of my parents, much loved pets(does that bit sound strange?)thinking about isolated bullying incidents-everything.

Please keep talking on here, we want to try and help when any of us feel down. Much love to all XXXX

And yes, it is only 5.27am, i cant sleep as having 'pains' and just had a 'show', so unless another 'false alarm' things look like the could be happening-ow ow ow......

Wow, Annie just doing a working lurk and had to comment - go girl!! YOu may beat Budha yet or we may even get two graduates on the same day - what a result that would be!!

Oddly, I hope the pains are continuing and that baba is on their way!

Good luck

Ooh. just lurked quickly and very excited for Annie now too. Come on Annie and Buddha -we're all with you mentally.

Morning LBM

4ever your post made me cry too.

I only have something small to add - I have so recently been in the commando list and feel as if i could be back there any day. I love this thread - but when waiting for 7 months to join everyone else i started to get more and more depressed and sad about being one of the last ones left. I could hardly post and I just felt like i was broken. I got hugely jealous when others announced their BFPs and left me even further behind - but at the same time was so pleased for them because we all so deserve it.

Also you ladies helped me through the worst time of my life - so i'll always be so grateful to you all for that.

I know I was oversensitive and miserable over the last few months and you were all so lovely.

I don't know if I'll make it all the way with this one or what will happen, but i know that I feel totally different this time. I can't even think beyond the first scan - whereas others on the antenatal thread I joined are all discussing what type of baby carseat to buy - i don't know if I'll ever get that far. Anyway - I know that you lot are always here for me whatever happens - so I do love the thread. Even if it is hard to post on at times.

cupcake that is a lovely article

Also thinking of annie and buddha - hope it's going well!

Morning lovely emmsys ladies! Im so loving this outpouring of emotions.. So very healthy.. Each of us has added their own unique but sadly similar points & feelings.. We are all truly united in this through every stage Now im hoping for an outpouring of births today! (paradox is such an apt word blue) So excited for annie! Come on girl! Let us kno whats happenin? Ill gladly be on tx/post duty for you! Hope buddha ok too? Will try & find out! Could be a monumental day for the emmsys ladies!

Hello lovelies, typing in between cx here-ouch ouch bloody ouch. 4ever i will text you sabs and MrsKate with news later, and if you would be so kind as to let everyone else know that will be marvellous.

Contractions now 4 mins apart and lasting 45 secs, havent contacted hospital yet as want to remain in my lovely comfy home as long as possible. CX are still bearable, have Tens machine on. Any idea when i should contact hospital as dont really need any pain relief as such yet?

Not sure when Annie but don't leave it too long as 2nd babies can be quick! MW in labour ward can generally tell by your voice so give them a call and see what they say.

annie I think you should ring the hospital!!!!

Thanks neeko-have just called and they said to stay at home until cx are every 3 minutes or so, as long as im happy to do so (which i am) but they said if cx get too strong and i feel like i need to go in for pain relief, just to go in and it doesnt matter if cx were not yet 3 mins apart. So im busy dancing to music i love, bit of general tidying and trying to stay calm and focused.

Yay for annie so so excited for u hon! My pho will be at hand all day! Id call into hon, hope ur not too far from hosp?! Bestest of luck lovely lady! Just heard from buddha & still nothing, she is feelin a bit low & fed up now, they are movin her up to delivery soon & putting her on a drip, i said we are all rooting for her & send our love.. Come on u girls! X x x x x

Well done you for being so relaxed and happy.